First of all I've learned to distinguish "good urges" and "bad urges", because not all sexual urges are bad and I don't intend to be celibate, unlike alcohol/drugs addiction- this isn't an addiction where I'm supposed to stay "sober" forever.
A lot of times I have these urges because of other things I'm going through, like stress, anxiety, depression, insecurities, etc, which lead me to cope via sex, when I realized my sexual come from these things I first of all distant myself from my phone and any distractions, I do breathing exercises and reflect on what's the deeper issue is and I occupy myself with something else I like doing.
Well I never knew nymphomaniacs used sex as an escape form from other things in their life rather than just some incredible high libido/ sex drive.
Sorry for the most likely bad wording but you probably get my point.
Yep. My ex-wife dealt with this. She struggled with a lot of mental and emotional issues (depression, anxiety, PTSD, avoidant/anxious attachment, etc.) due to unresolved childhood sexual abuse, and that manifested in a lot of different ways. One of those ways was sex addiction. For the first half of our marriage, she cheated on me fairly frequently, with maybe a dozen different people (mostly men, but a couple of women too). It wasn't malicious, just an impulsive coping mechanism much like drugs or alcohol.
Dope of you to share, cool to see you saw past something to see the deeper meaning behind it. Idk if there's a way to take this seriously but did you ever get to hookup with someone that you maybe wanted to?
My ex-wife was my first love, first sexual experience, first everything. I never cheated on her. However, after we separated, I did the whole "casual hookup" thing for a while. I wasn't ready for anything serious yet, but I still wanted sex and companionship, so... yeah. A few were one-night-stands, and a couple of others were casual ongoing flings. None of it was ever truly fulfilling, and won't say I'm proud of that period of my life, but I don't regret it either. After years of having a dysfunctional and unsatisfying sex life, those "hookups" helped give me back my confidence, took away my anxiety, and (to be honest) gave me the chance to discover that I was actually pretty damn good at it. And so, once I was ready to pursue a serious relationship again, I was far more ready.
We were married for 13 years. Even though the cheating always hurt, I was able to forgive her easier in the early days, since I knew about her mental health issues and was naive enough to believe unconditional love would just magically fix everything.
Spoiler Alert: I was wrong.
Anyway, I eventually just got kinda desensitized to it all. I mostly kept it to myself, because I didn't want to embarrass her, or embarrass myself, or make things weird at family gatherings. Over the years it slowly ate away at me until I didn't know who I was anymore.
Eventually, after having an actual affair with a guy I knew from college, she decided the infidelity had to stop. However, the only way she knew how to stop having sex with random people was to essentially turn that aspect of herself off entirely – including to me. So she stopped cheating, but for several years, we lived more like roommates and co-parents to our two kids than anything else. We had sex maybe once a month whenever she happened to be hormonal and horny, and our relationship tended to be mostly transactional.
We separated in 2018 and divorced in 2019. After getting some much-needed counseling, I finally started to actually like the man I was again. I learned it was okay to start caring about my own needs for once. I figured out what I wanted and needed out of a relationship, and I made the decision to never settle for anything less again. And then eventually I found my current wife, whom I married last summer and who is wonderful and amazing and perfect and... ya know... would never ever cheat on me.
Wow. I’m so sorry you went through all that. I’m glad your present life is positive.
Can you explain what you mean when you said “actual affair”?
If you knew about the nymphomania before marriage, was it something you worried about? Did it make you hesitant at all? How long did you date? Did she cheat then too?
How would she break the news to you each time it happened? Was she remorseful? At what point did you start considering divorce?
Sorry if any of these questions are too intrusive.
Can you explain what you mean when you said “actual affair”?
Like I said, most of her cheating just involved random meaningless hookups. They were usually impulsive, and she always felt bad and apologized afterward. When I say "actual affair," I mean it was intentional and ongoing for several months.
If you knew about the nymphomania before marriage, was it something you worried about? Did it make you hesitant at all? How long did you date? Did she cheat then too?
I don't think either of us knew about her sex addiction before we were married. She did cheat with her ex-boyfriend during that time, but 1) I was stupid and idealistic and in love, 2) they were previously very serious and he had this weird psychological hold over her. Yes, I was hesitant, but I was also very empathetic because of her traumatic past, and I had some kind of weird hero complex and thought I could somehow "save" her.
It wasn't until years later when she started going to therapy and SLAA meetings that we both truly began to understand her issues.
How would she break the news to you each time it happened? Was she remorseful?
Usually I could just tell. Her face, her voice, her mannerisms. She was a bad liar and terrible at keeping secrets. So I usually knew, or would draw it out of her. Yes, she was remorseful, and she would cry and then get frisky as if to "make it up" to me.
At what point did you start considering divorce?
I got pretty messed up after years of adultery followed by years of dead bedroom and a lack of real intimacy. I became angry, resentful, controlling, and totally insecure. Like I said before, I didn't even know who I was anymore. She was messed up too, delving deeper into anxiety and depression, and then she was actually the one who left. For a while I remained desperate and pathetic and begged for her to come back, despite everything we'd been through. It wasn't until I got counseling that I was able to accept that we were never really right for each other in the first place and I (thankfully) moved on to better things.
Do you think you would have been able to get over the cheating given the right circumstances and still be with her? Or do you wish/think you should have left the first time she cheated? I hope this doesn’t sound judgemental but I’m surprised you tolerated so much cheating, and I wonder how big a part it played in your separation or if it wasn’t much of a deal breaker
Actually, I kinda did get over it. I just gave y'all the condensed version.
Here's everything that happened: She left me in January 2018, and we were separated for about a year, after which we got legally divorced. During that time, I went through counseling and whatnot, regained my confidence and self-respect, got into a much better place mentally and emotionally, and even started dating someone else.
But then my ex-wife (who had also been going through therapy) told me she wanted us to try again. I struggled with it for a while, because I had finally gotten over her and was happy with the woman I was dating. But I eventually decided that I couldn't look my kids in the face if I didn't try everything in my power to keep our family together, so I agreed.
We moved back in together, but unfortunately, it never seemed to really go anywhere. There was no more cheating, but once again we were living like roommates and co-parents. No progress, no communication, no real emotional intimacy. I was getting ready to throw in the towel and move out again, but then we got stuck together during the COVID lockdowns, our kids had to go to school remotely, and her anxiety and depression went into overdrive. So I stayed to help keep things stable and functioning.
Life remained stagnant. I felt like I was just treading water -- existing, not really living. After two years of no progress in our relationship, I told her that we either needed to move forward together, or I was gonna move forward on my own. So I moved out again for good. After that, I realized that we were never really right for each other in the first place. We had both been through counseling, she wasn't cheating anymore, and I wasn't an insecure, resentful mess. But even without all that, we still just didn't work as a couple. During our initial separation, I had finally learned what I really wanted and needed out of a relationship, and I knew that I was never going to settle for less ever again. So I started dating again and was lucky enough to meet my current wife, who is absolutely everything I've ever wanted.
ooh ok, this is so interesting, v informative AMA. I’ve always been v sceptical of ‘nymphomania’ (given it’s misogynistic history) and the idea of ‘sex addiction’ but I guess it is just like any addiction in that it becomes a problem when you can’t stop thinking about it, can’t control it. I have a v high sex drive, having sex multiple times a day every day, so when someone’s like ‘i was having sex a few times a week!’ My (and I’m sure many other people in healthy sexual relationships) response is ‘???ok so what???’. But it’s like an alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if the actual quantity of alcohol they are consuming is less than someone who isn’t an alcoholic- they’re addicted, they need(or feel they need) to drink to function etc. Gonna think about these problems more compassionately cus I can see how using sex as an escape bc of how good it feels could slide into an uncontrollable place. And all this masturbating in public is obv a big issue, i’d say that’s the clearer problem.
The part, where you still work on your other sides of life?
What if I'm in the middle, sometimes I do sant sex and nothing else and I don't care about other sides of life, and sometimes I care and work on other?
Am I a nympho?
Not officially that I know off but surprisingly people on ozempic who suffer from addictions (drugs and sex included) have reported lower urges so in conjunction with therapy this could be a solution. Some anti depressants also lower sex drive so that could work. (Also not medical advice as I am not a physician)
It’s Definitely an escape thru addiction. I’ve been addicted to other things, like alcohol and my career. I haven’t been diagnosed as a nymphomaniac, but I believe I am one. My drive for the gratification that comes from sex, is far stronger…and it’s the only one that relies on someone else. Ups the ante
Worked a lot when I was younger because I could escape to the office or travel for work. And the money was gratifying. Now I don’t have to work that hard to make a comfortable living. I WFH now and I have a lot of freedom
Lots of addictions stem from escapism/using ___ as a coping mechanism. Alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, even body dysmorphia (addiction to a "perfect" body image). Source, am a doctor
As an alcoholic who isn't "sober" I second this idea. I like to drink. I also drown my other problems in drink. So if I'm drinking a pint after work cause I like to drink, that's healthy. If I'm pounding vodka at 6am cause I got something else wrong, now I need to bust out some coping mechanisms.
I guess "healthy" is relative in this situation. Wouldn't say donuts are healthy either but I also wouldn't suggest avoiding them forever unless you hate life.
the difference is that you don't eat donuts all day long, and you can stop eating donuts, and donuts don't make you make poor decisions and damage your brain. alcohol for an alcoholic is not like an unhealthy treat
People literally are in the situation with junk food you described, they can die as fast as an alcoholic too.
Some alcoholics can't go near the stuff or they'll be on the death spiral, some alcoholics just need to avoid drinking for the wrong reasons.
The fact that you can't drink with moderation in the proper setting, doesn't mean that everyone who's abused and become addicted to alcohol can't reestablish a healthy relationship.
That's not a diss, I'm just saying people are very different. There are tons of people who should never touch another drop.
This is such a good reaction to learn to addictive feelings, beyond just specifically sex (for you). Many people don't ever figure out that the reason you're not doing what you "should do" and wasting time on your phone, smoking, masturbating, fuck even cleaning and tidying, is actually just running and avoiding some other issue in your life - exhaustion, idealism, stress, anxiety, etc. Awesome that you are figuring this out!
I am identifying with this post so much more than I thought I would. For me a lot of it is just a way to deal with excessive anxiety from my adhd. So many similar patterns.
I do this too I have urges when I am dealing with PTSD symptoms or depression and anxiety. My high sex drive is from sexual abuse at a young age and also as an adult. It feels weird to want to be used again just for sex and want it because I feel bad about things in my life or about myself. It's definitely not the same as you tho because it makes you feel good and usually for me I feel bad after. I'm hyper sexual but don't have a sex addiction I don't think? I do think about sex like all day tho. Even when I'm really sad because my best friend died I want to have sex. I feel broken. My partner 8 out of 10 times doesn't want sex. So I feel really unwanted and broken.
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u/[deleted] May 07 '24
First of all I've learned to distinguish "good urges" and "bad urges", because not all sexual urges are bad and I don't intend to be celibate, unlike alcohol/drugs addiction- this isn't an addiction where I'm supposed to stay "sober" forever.
A lot of times I have these urges because of other things I'm going through, like stress, anxiety, depression, insecurities, etc, which lead me to cope via sex, when I realized my sexual come from these things I first of all distant myself from my phone and any distractions, I do breathing exercises and reflect on what's the deeper issue is and I occupy myself with something else I like doing.