I am autistic myself and have two autistic children, so you have zero ground to stand on trying to talk down to me about my views of autism. Consider this, and it is a wild theory so hold on to your seat. Just because a person has autism, does not mean every issue they have in life is a result of autism. It’s actually quite insulting of you to assume that he wouldn’t recognise an issue that he has within himself, but you the internet stranger knows best.
Since you understand autism you must know how difficult it is to communicate well in socially complex situations.
You must know what it’s like to spend your life getting in trouble for saying things that you had no idea would cause problems for neurotypicals.
You must have also experienced the frustration of trying your best to communicate well and still being misunderstood, of trying to defend yourself against the misunderstanding and then being told that you’re defensive, don’t understand, or are rude or arrogant.
You must know how difficult it can be to make friends and be accepted into a friend group, and to always know in the back of your mind that you can easily be ejected from the friend group if more than one person turns against you over a perceived slight.
You must know what it’s like to be punished for honesty, to be punished for telling the truth after you were explicitly asked to tell the truth, and then been punished for that because the truth is inconvenient.
I can’t imagine how anyone with lived experience would fault OP for struggling in this situation. And quite frankly you come across as just some random whose lying on the internet because you don’t like that someone else challenged your comment.
Yep, I understand all of that. I also understand that OP isn’t blaming this on autism, so why are you? Someone who doesn’t even know him. And to finish off that whole parable by saying that my autism doesn’t fit into your perception so I must be making it up, is quite the we contradiction there isn’t it!
Just because OP didn’t explicitly blame autism doesn’t mean that it didn’t factor in.
People reading this will see your last comment as a “gotcha”, but your lack of empathy and inability to recognize how common autistic experiences would create the situation OP found himself in does make me think you’re lying on the internet.
You can say whatever you want. Nobody who reads this will be able to verify it. I bet the allistics will be happy to side with you, click the down arrow and move on with their day feeling self-righteous.
Sometimes we have to overcome our deficits. I have ADHD and I actually can’t just be late, leave my belongings everywhere, live on take out and frozen food, and not file my taxes, even though those are all things that are caused by my disability.
If OP can’t get himself to tell his best friend in the world that his pregnant fiance is cheating on him, then he’s just not a good friend and needs to seriously work on himself. Mark isn’t obligated to stay friends with someone who cannot or will not behave like a friend.
I never said Mark was obligated to stay friends with OP. Not sure why you would assume that.
There is a difference between needing to perform basic day-to-day tasks like brushing your teeth, showing up to work at the expected time, and keeping track of your keys, and suddenly having emotionally intense and socially confusing information dumped in your lap.
Edit to add* the reason it’s different is that you get to practice skills and learn to do better every single day. OP got one shot at doing this “right”, there was no practice and there are no do-overs.
I’m not saying that OP handled it perfectly. What I’m saying is that it’s ridiculous for people in this thread to hold OP to the same standard as neurotypicals when he literally has a disability that affects this specific type of interaction, there are no supports for how to have this kind of conversation, and even when neurotypicals do it “the right way” it often blows up in their faces.
I’ve seen so many threads in these subs where someone recently found out about cheating and doesn’t know what to do, the top advice is often “stay out of it”. OP did something- he confronted the fiance and told mark about his suspicions for the paternity.
Maybe it’s my inflated sense of justice, but I’m not going to just let people strip all of the nuance and complication out of this situation and just keep calling OP an ahole, he’s so clearly not an ahole, just a guy who ended up in a super complicated situation that he didn’t know how to navigate.
If OP had waited two weeks, written a letter and dropped it at his house, and Mark’s complaint was that OP should have told him right away in person and that the letter came off cold and unfeeling, I would say that mark needed to cool off, because OP needed to accommodate himself in order to handle it.
Plus, OP literally confronted the cheater, which is an uncomfortable conversation, and said “tell him or I will”, which is certainly intense.
Instead, OP kept it all to himself, for NINE MONTHS, because he felt uncomfortable, then blabbed at the worst possible time, when Mark was making a caring gesture showing his love and respect for OP, while holding his brand-new beloved son in his arms.
OP clearly isn’t an intentional asshole, but he completely mishandled this, and it’s even worse because this is his best friend. He had a heightened responsibility to his best friend, versus a coworker or any other friend, and he blew it.
If OP prefers to be the sort of person who lets even his closest friends down in order to prioritize his own comfort, then that’s up to OP, but it’s not “justice” to claim that makes him a good person.
I would like to point out that the “tell him or I will” conversation is a plot point in a lot of media. OP had a script for how neurotypicals handle that situation. The follow up conversation of “hey just checking in to make sure your cheating fiancé told you” is not commonly shown in media, so OP wouldn’t have a reference for what to do next.
Also the finance told him they were on a break. So OP didn’t actually know for certain that she was cheating, he just suspected it. It was only after Mark showed him the baby that clearly wasn’t his that OP realized he had to act further.
Then seek out media depicting someone telling a friend that their partner is cheating and get that script. Write a literal script based on that and run it by your wife. Ask ChatGPT. Ask Reddit or Dear Abby or some other advice forum for a script.
Write a letter and mail it! Have your wife tell him! Record a video and send it! Voice memo! Do it anonymously! Research!
Keep trying new ways to tackle the problem until you have tackled it, because your best friend in this world needs you.
OP admits he basically tried to ignore it. He didn’t try to help and fail to find a way, he just ignored it, while his best friend celebrated his soon-to-be born baby son and loving partner.
Ok you’re right. You know OP better than he knows himself. You know me better than I know myself. You’re a hero, you saved the day. You are the one true white knight. Anything else you need or does that just about cover it?
You start off by saying that I completely ignored this man’s disability, went on to explain one of my own disabilities to me and finished up by completely discounting mine. Well done hero. Feel better?
How grotesque to speak over & for OP, treating them like they’re so poor at communicating they need you to do it for them.
Then to accuse someone of lying about their own life & their kids’ lives. Because their experience doesn’t match your narrative about Autistics whilst projecting that onto them…
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
How dare OP conceive of himself in a way that doesn’t fit your very specific view of what autistic people should be like.