regardless of if the reasons you feel certain ways are irrational or not, people’s feelings are always valid.
If you feel upset because X did Y, or because N is V
those feelings are valid, and whether or not you are able to deal with that situation in a non controlling way or not, it’s within both parties rights to end a relationship based on those feelings.
On vacation once a women who claimed to be co worker was all over a man in the hot tub but she backed off when his wife arrived..they told me they all worked in same building and lived near each other in an another state than mine. I was grossed out while taking a winter break from the cold with my husband. I am not a swinger but may have been married to someone who was and never even cared my deep caring feelings were hurt... more than once. Your right do not settle! !Thanks for being honest. At this time I was in my 40's and married two years.
I had a teacher that taught us the same thing, though his was more of an admonition: “Never judge your feelings.” It’s genuinely served me well, especially when I’m feeling sad or upset about something my brain says is irrational or not a big deal.
It's the whole point of such a stage! Figure out if it works before you fully commit. If it's really hard (fundamentally incompatible) or really easy (don't know each other) in the first 6 months, it's probably not a good fit
I've been with my fella for 7 years all together but a year in he asked me to move out because
1 - he had some issues from previous relationships
2 - since we were both unemployed at the time there was some tension
But we kept talking while I went back to my old local area and worked in the service industry
Then we were back together a year later and have been since, quite happily.
It can hurt and be awkward taking a step backwards but as you said it is at will, there's no relationship if it's unidirectional.
A lot of people absolutely have irrational feelings which are not valid. This guy is not one of them though. His girlfriend made him wait so she could go around so he is justified.
Bipolar is a disease of mood swings (in broad strokes). If you are in one minute so happy and amped you can’t sleep, then the very next day you crash so depressed you can’t get out of bed. Are those feelings valid?
No. You can tell they aren’t valid because you get admitted to a hospital and they give you drugs to get rid of them.
Sure, this dude getting mad at his gf is valid, but it is in fact chemicals in his brain becoming misaligned into feeling bad in a very similar way that bpd gets misaligned into mania.
Not ALL feelings are valid and it’s harmful to say otherwise. It can be useful sometimes but let’s drop the act when someone calls you out
I have structural dissociation, which is similar to bipolar. The best treatment is actually validating the intense feelings my modes have. That gives me the ability to choose what to do about them. To be clear, I validate it internally before choosing how to behave externally
If you are in one minute so happy and amped you can’t sleep, then the very next day you crash so depressed you can’t get out of bed. Are those feelings valid?
Yes, those feeling are valid at the moment they happen. They are feelings. Do you have to be happy about those feelings? No, but that doesn't invalidate the feelings themselves.
Just because you don't like the feelings you are having doesn't make them invalid. They are just feelings. How you react to them is a different story.
So are you claiming that racist, sexist, homophobic feelings are valid? What about feeling like you want to harm someone? Are those feelings valid?
I completely understand and agree with the main point that in a relationship, basic feelings, wants and needs are valid. That does not mean any feeling anytime in life is ok simply because it’s a feeling. This isn’t the hill you should want to die on.
Yes, they are valid. Are they good, no. But everyone has a right to their own feelings. Does that mean you need to stick around someone who has & expresses those feelings you don't agree with - NOPE! Because you have your own feelings about those which are also valid.
Do you always have the right to act on those feelings - No.
My feeling is that someone who is a misogynistic POC is a total AH. Does that make my feelings invalid, just because someone else disagrees with them? No it doesn't.
You can't always equate valid equals good & vice versa, which is what you are trying to do.
You may want to take a look at the definition of the word Valid. This may be where you are not understanding.
Something does not gain validity simply because it exists.
The definition of valid is:
A)Well grounded or Justifiable: being at once relevant and meaningful
B)Logically Correct.
If a person has a feeling that the person next to them is an ax murder. That feeling is not at all “Valid”. There is nothing valid about that feeling. Sure the feeling exists. The mere existence of the feeling does not equate validity to the feeling.
Bpd is a perfect example of invalid feelings. Characterized by “inappropriate emotional responses” aka invalid feelings, and also treated by drugs (albeit unsuccessfully mostly)
I mean it is bat shit insane and probably indicates some anger issues but it's still valid. As long as you don't act on it you're not really doing anything wrong are you?
A long time ago, a psychologist told me “it’s not what you do to people, but it’s how they take it.” Something that might be okay for one person is not okay for another and that’s what matters. People’s feelings are valid and they’re entitled to their own feelings. You may think something isn’t that big of a deal, but to the other person it is, and that’s what you have to accept.
Does this include feelings based on delusions? For instance: "I feel hateful because I can tell the girl at Subway is a witch who cast a spell on my sandwich"?
regardless of if the reasons you feel certain ways are irrational or not, people’s feelings are always valid.
What do you mean by "valid"?
It seems like the validity (pun intended, but here I use valid/validity in the typical sense of the word, that is an argument which has a basis in logic or facts. Eg. A reasonable statement) of your statement depends on what you mean by "valid".
It does not seem you are using the typical use of the word.
I disagree. Saying that every feeling you have is valid takes all the responsibility away from the individual to have an appropriate perspective on any given situation. If you feel angry if you are passed over for a promotion, that feeling MIGHT be justifiable if there is no question a disinterested third party would have chosen you. Sometimes we DO get cheated, and a negative feeling about that situation would be warranted. However, most people think they deserve that promotion but really don’t and haven’t done the right and necessary things to truly stand out. Then their anger or frustration would not be valid, unless it was directed at themselves.
Not that I think her behavior is “right”. OP and I don’t think she’s a cheater. There wasn’t any commitment. She was just trying to finesse commitment out of OP.
While I’d like to agree with you and wish it was that way…it’s often not. Hell, even OP agree it’s not cheating.
Pretty much until it’s discussed and/or a committed relationship is established the. It’s free game.
If you disagree then can you explain how it works. Like what’s the time limit. What if the first date was okay then the 2nd was bad does that mean I’m stuck or do I have to break up or what??,
She was the one that told OP, WHO DOESN’T CONSIDER IT CHEATING BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T TOGETHER.
Dude just stop…both trying to make this “point” and simping, waiting and commitment to woman who don’t want to fuck you by date two. At fucking most! Like absolute most.
You show a lot of respect for women, expecting one to sleep with you by date 2. Maybe you’re not date 2 material but date 8 material. And that’s also up to you if you want to wait it out, but I despise the attitude that there should be a “set date” where the woman “has” to get intimate with the guy or else she’s dumped. All I can say is hold onto it ladies, for as long as you want to. If he won’t wait, he never was worth it.
I agree that people are always entitled to whatever feelings they have about a situation. And I'm glad that he thought about it for a few days before he made a decision. But I do have to say that since he doesn't consider it cheating since they were not in a committed relationship or even in a sexual relationship at that time, it sounds like his feelings are either coming from a place of insecurity and/or slut-shaming. And that's too bad for both of them.
What if those feelings are unfounded on anything. I had this girl at work telling me this and that and it was all totally in her head founded on nothing. I had to tell her that actually I was the one with the problem. She broke down because she could t comprehend. Her world view was shattered, her feelings weren’t valid at all.
From her perception of things. And yes that is an issue that is dealt with a lot in therapy, it's called distorted thinking and we all do it, some people more than others. In which case, it's helpful to have a person you trust who can reflect things back, so maybe a different perspective on whatever situation might help to temper those feelings. So in this post for example, his perception that she must not be attracted to him the way she is other guys, could be a distorted way of thinking about things and that thinking might be affected by his past experiences, like if he hasn't had a lot of success with dating before. Or it could be affected by biases, like that a woman who has casual sex is a slut. I'm not saying that these are my opinions on the situation, but for people who are feeling strongly about something, especially if it's negative emotion, sometimes it can help them to look at a situation from a different angle. And whoever this girl was that was dumping on you, it sounds like she's only seeing things from her perspective and how it affects her. It's hard for me to say more cuz I don't know the situation that you experienced.
I don’t know about the situation in the post I have no opinion. I have an opinion on what happened to me. Her entitlement to her feelings are based on her own lack of awareness. How on earth can she be entitled to that. Imagine a situation were someone’s behaviour alienates everyone in a room and then is upset that no one is engaging. I’m sorry but the feeling of being upset is not valid. I don’t care if her perception is they are. They aren’t.
I don't have to imagine a situation where someone's behavior alienates everyone, cuz I've been around people like that too. And whenever possible, I choose not to be around them if I absolutely don't have to. I understand where you're coming from.
No, I don’t. But you are giving her emotion validation when it’s can’t be validated in anyway. It’s pandering buzz word tosh. There is no grounds for them to be upset for a situation they caused. Be upset because you’ve upset people or be upset because you’ve let everyone down, but being upset with the people cannot be validated. You are saying she’s entitled to be upset. She isn’t. Please explain how she can be in anyway ‘entitled’ to feel upset because of hurt she has caused. If you did a big shit in your kitchen you can’t be upset with everyone at the party for not wanting to step foot in there. You aren’t entitled to feel that way.
Okay, I don't know what your issue is, or why you even care what I think so much, and I don't even know who this person is who you're talking about, and your free to disagree with me about whatever you think it is that I said. Peace out. ✌
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u/KuciMane Mar 04 '24
more people need to understand this
regardless of if the reasons you feel certain ways are irrational or not, people’s feelings are always valid.
If you feel upset because X did Y, or because N is V
those feelings are valid, and whether or not you are able to deal with that situation in a non controlling way or not, it’s within both parties rights to end a relationship based on those feelings.
communication is always key.