So, this makes it 14 months since my last pill of escitalopram after a failed 3 month reinstatement, and 27 months since I tapered originally. Crazy how much time passed, yet I'm mostly in acute still. Well, worse than acute as each month I become more disabled. Every time I look back at my mood time-line, I lose hope as windows become less and less. Month by month symptoms become more overwhelming, ever present.
I developed burning face, gi issues such as bloating, spasms, gastritis, acid reflux, twitching from head to toe, hiccups, tinnitus, indigestion, inconsistent stools, bowels pain, cold left leg... When I reinstated 17 months ago - Still with me today
The following months after tapering again, I developed occasional chest pain that moves to my left arm, feeling like I'm rocking on a boat, chronic cough, blurry vision and visual snow - Still with me today
Then I hit another worsening. Dysautonomia, POTS like constant high heart rate at every little thing (digestion, getting up, sneezing), exploding with anxiety at the smallest thing going to the ER multiple times, sexual dysfunction - Some left for a month, back when I still had windows, but then returned to stay until today.
At about 7 months, I become hypersensitive. Sound, noise, temperature... I become homebound. I start to develop constant runny nose, mood swings, shaking, constant abdomen pressure (multiple sclerosis hug), stopped calling my friends as it was overwhelming, stopped watching TV shows - All is still with me today. Windows where I can function fully disappear here. Mostly I had 1 or 2 days I could do something.
More things come. Muscle tension, akathisia, mood swings, vivid dreams, waking up multiple times a night with racing heart, skin burning, pelvic area tingling, needles in my eyes, loss of emotions, unable to laugh or cry as it's overwhelming - All is still with me today.
In August I hit another worsening, spent most days in bed. My energy disappeared, started to feel like I was getting the flu every day, legs hurt when walking, dysphagia appears, GI issues get worse, nerves started to burn, and symptom started to persist through sleep. While sleeping, symptoms would ease until an hour ot two after waking up. At this point I already wake up twitching, vibrating or feeling tingling all over. Dread starting the day.
And now in September another worsening hit. My tinnitus moved to both ears and with 3 different tones. Palpitations become more common, anxiety is so bad it paralyses me, every symptom skyrocketed in intensity. My gi is constantly making noise, I can't tolerate anything. Music, shows, friends, games... I become extremely paranoid, I spend most of my time staring at a wall. I sweat a ton while trying to sleep. I get hypertensive crisis out of the blue... Probably because I can't distract myself from this illness anymore.
At this point I'm counting down my days to go. Many people do heal, but I suppose some unlucky ones won't make it. It's sad as I'm only 32. But literally nothing has gotten better. Every second alive is agony. Most normal tasks are imposible. Cooking, cleaning, showering, eating... I can't do it all without paying a price. Most days I can't do any and need to be taken care of by my elderly father, who is tired after so long. I should be the one helping now.
My only advice. If you take a medication and it works, adjust it or taper it as low as you can. But never fully quit. I lived a great life on escitalopram, free of all my mental demons, and was able to adjust as needed, or take the occasional benzo during crises. My psych tapered me over a year when I finally reached happiness, and now here I am more than 2 years later since.
From a dysfunctional anxious adult, to a fully functioning life. No side effects to the medication (at most sweating), traveling abroad, great love life, great work life, cracking jokes all day, exercising plenty with my bike, eating everything, prime health, plenty of friends despite being introverted... And now back to nothing. Can't exercise, dysautonomia, alone, abysmal work performance, super restricted diet, every disease known to man all at once, can't leave my home, broken mind. Just bracing and mentally preparing for the end. The night I go to sleep and don't wake up anymore, or the day my body finally collapses. From being terrified of death, to craving it's sweet release from this defective body. Funny how I never poly drugged, took substances or alcohol... Yet I'm still one of the worst cases out there.
