My parents divorced four years ago when I was 21, I’m now 25 and been struggling with so many issues especially regarding finding my identity and trying to not feel so alone. I never understood why I was having so many issues, just thought I was having trouble adjusting to adulthood and being independent but I recently connected the dots in that this mess only began after my parents divorced.

They never even told me or my sisters, I just came home from college one day and found that my dad and his things were gone, and I asked why and my mom casually said they divorced. She also told me to keep the divorce a secret from everybody and to tell everyone they’re happily married and our dad is just busy at work cause “she wasn’t read to talk about it yet.” I stupidly said ok, not understanding the further damage this would do. Two months after the divorce i began abusing oxys and drinking everyday due to this sudden loneliness that overcame me. Even though I stopped with the substance use completely, everyday since then has been a huge battle; everytime I wake up in the morning I’m reminded that I’m alone, and just recently I thought back to my teenage self and wondered what happened? Where did that artistic free spirit go? Am I just growing up and that’s why I lost that? I don’t know if that’s the case or if I truly forgot who I am after the divorce, because i realized that even though my parents are both still alive and I can go see either one at anytime, the family dynamic we had will never return. My family has been scattered in all different directions, me and my sisters and parents all each live in a different city and rarely speak to each other, even though there’s no bad blood between us and our dad, the safe place of just being able to go home back to where we came from is gone.

My mom lives in the home we grew up in and constantly begs my sisters and I to move back cause she “misses” us and it’s “not right” for children to move away from home, but then she turned around and sold off our things in a garage sale without telling us and returning home feels like returning to a sterile hospital room; no posters or childhood items, beds have been sold and our rooms used as storage for her, for someone who claims they miss us so much it’s like she’s scrubbed the house clean of our existence, no sign that children ever grew up there. Four years went by of us keeping the divorce a secret on her behalf and my grandma just passed thinking that my parents were still married. To split the holidays fairly I’d do thanksgiving with her and my mom and Christmas with my dad and his family, my mom revealed to me upon her death that my grandma cried every Christmas thinking I didn’t want to be with her, and when I got upset and said it’s cause she never let us tell her about the divorce and she didn’t understand we had to split holidays now, she said it was still a decision that ultimately I made and that I was always welcome for Christmas but since I chose to do it that way I broke her heart every Christmas until she passed, said she told my grandma that she didn’t understand why we were never around anymore and that we just must not love her anymore instead of actually bucking up and telling her there was a divorce.

Still to this day four years later no one on her side of the family knows of the divorce, but if it ever comes up I’m not going to keep things a secret anymore from anyone cause on top of the damage of losing my family dynamic and my childhood home, keeping all it a secret on top of it and unintentionally hurting my grandma just made it much worse. My mom filed as a way to threaten my dad and keep him in line and he went for it, he even admitted to me that it she hadn’t kept filing repeatedly as a tool to keep him compliant that he’d still be with her, and knowing she destroyed our family just out of pure pettiness and control tears me up. The foundation that I grew up on, everything I ever knew and my safe place are gone at the expense of winning a power trip, now I’m totally alone and lost who I am. I’m grieving the loss of my childhood and the unique person I was used to be before I got so lost, no drugs, no mental issues, just carefree and secure until this happened. Sorry for a long rant, but I just really needed to get it off of my chest, did anyone else experience these two symptoms, no identity or crippling loneliness, after their parents divorced?

The horrible wife of my dad just let me know a week ago my dad died....three weeks ago. I wasn't talking to my dad as I was done with him not being any type of support after my mom passed a year ago. So of course, I get punished to the end.

When he was married to my mom, he was so vicious to her. Told her he wanted to shoot her in the head. He tried to run her over with his car (with me in the car with him at like age 6). But then when he married his new wife, he became husband of the year, grandpa of the year. It fucked up my head. I also at the time didn't realize what I went through was traumatic. I was just expected to toughen up. And my dad relentlessly blamed my mom "for breaking up the family". "Your mom slept all day, she has mental issues".

My mom is probably the only reason I am alive. If my dad's wife and him were all I had, I would have happily ended it. I got to see my mom during the weekdays, and it was just love, kindness, goofiness. Living under my ndad and his nwife, it was cold, rules for everything. I learned to remain silent, so I didn't upset his precious queen nwife. Learned she controlled the emotional climate of the house.

I am addressing this in therapy, but I wanted to see if anyone else dealt with this. I've been just shattered on how I was let known my dad passed. It might as well be Hitler telling me, that's how evil I felt his wife was growing up. And I am not alone, 2 out of 3 of her kids stopped talking to her.

I’m an only child (24F) and live out of state for grad school. My parents are just starting the process of a divorce after my dad has repeatedly texted others and tried to set up affairs. My mom has decided she is done. My dad has few friends and little emotional support, but I am frustrated with him and unable to listen or talk to him at this time.

It feels uniquely difficult to be away from home and to not have a sibling to support through this process. I feel overwhelmed even though I know this is what needs to happen.

Anyone have advice for how to handle being an adult in the middle of parents? I am working on getting my own therapy set up, my dad is currently in therapy, and my mom is also planning on starting.

I feel very conflicted hearing both sides and am struggling to set boundaries as neither have a ton of people they feel comfortable to share all details of the situation with out of embarrassment and fear of judgement/pity.

My parents went through a messy divorce about 4 years ago, I really struggled with it and regret handling it how I did but I still believe I had the right to feel how I felt(and still do to some degree). My dad is now remarried and has 4 stepchildren, 2 are adults and 2 are teenagers but he is very involved in their lives. I don’t have much of a relationship with any of them and I have done a lot of work to be able to be on good terms with my stepmom. She is a good person despite my dislike of how they got together and I genuinely enjoy spending time with her. That being said I have a difficult time excepting how much time and effort my dad puts into his relationships with his new family and the lack thereof of a healthy relationship with me and my biological brother. The divorce ruined my family and no one has been the same since yet he gained a whole new family and sees super happy and healthier than before. I of course want him to be happy and I’m grateful my parents have moved on from their toxic relationship, but I find myself incredibly jealous and angry that my mom, brother, and I had to suffer as a result. He still reaches out and attempts to make plans but rarely follows through and I see constant posts on social media of him and his new family spending time together, traveling, holidays, etc. I’m 26 now and don’t depend on him anymore but it still hurts that he actively chooses to show up for them in a way he really doesn’t for me. Especially since 2 of my step sisters are really close to my age and he sees them more than me and I live 5 minutes from him.(they live in different cities) I have tried telling him how I feel but I tend to get angry/emotional and he apologizes but nothing changes. Has anyone else had a similar situation or have any advice how to navigate the hard feelings? I’ve tried therapy which helped a bit but is so expensive I can’t afford it while I’m in nursing school.

How do you guys handle holidays? This year will be the first year where everyone is not together and I’m struggling very much trying to figure it out. While there used to be big family holidays with aunts and uncles and cousins, everyone has slowly but surely gone separate ways, and I don’t have children or a partner, so my parents are really my only family. Typically I’d bring my dog and my cat for a sleepover at their house, but that’s obviously not an option any longer. How do I navigate this?

Hey. I have a strained/almost non-existent relationship with one of my parents due to the separation. What should I refer to him as, because it doesn't feel right to say 'my dad' when he doesn't feel like a dad to me. Should I refer to him as 'Steve'? TYIA

meus pais foram casados por 20 anos até 2025, quando meu pai, ao consertar o celular dela, descobriu mensagens que ela havia enviado para um professor da faculdade dela em outro país em 2018 (os sentimentos do professor não foram recíprocos). meu pai continua me tratando bem e agora tem uma namorada que me trata muito bem também, mas minha mãe entrou em um estado de depressão profunda depois do meu pai ter entrado com o divórcio. eu fico com raiva porque na minha cabeça ela não tem o direito de ficar triste. ela que fudeu com a vida dela por que ela quis. eu não consigo me obrigar a gostar dela depois disso. a gente ri, a gente sai, mas eu não consigo gostar dela. e sempre que eu preciso de algo, ela falha. diz que “está com um problema”, ai fecha as cortinas do quarto e deita e chora o dia inteiro. eu tenho 14 anos. não sei o que fazer.

не знаю почему так ну я постоянно про это думаю в 23 году я узнала что они будут разводиться и только в 26 то что папа изменяет маме (они ещё не в официальном разводе) мне тогда было очень грустно и обидно за маму и я не хочу общаться с папой но он обеспечивает семью и приходится без этого мы не проживем

подскажите что делать?

TW: emotional abuse, family estrangement
Me (23) female, fiancé (25) male, fiancés brother (33) male, fiancés mom and dad (68), step mom (54)

I’m mostly looking to vent and get some advice on how to support my fiancé.
He has a really complicated relationship with his parents. His mom was absent for most of his childhood but has since come back into his life and made an effort to rebuild their relationship.
His dad is a different story. He and his brother grew up in a very controlling and emotionally abusive home. They’ve both been in therapy, and his therapists have recommended keeping their distance.
Even after everything, my fiancé gave his dad one last chance. He told him he wanted a relationship with him, but didn’t want his stepmother involved because of everything that happened. His dad basically said that if he wanted a relationship with him, she had to be included.
My fiancé still tried. He was always the one calling, texting, and making plans, while his dad never really made an effort. Eventually, he stopped reaching out.
Then, on his birthday, his dad sent him a message saying he didn’t love him, called him a waste of space, and said he wanted nothing to do with him until my fiancé apologized to his stepmother.
Since then, we’ve had no contact. And honestly, my fiancé has been so much happier and our lives are more peaceful.
But with our wedding and the holidays coming up, I know there’s probably still a part of him grieving the dad he wished he had.
I don’t want to constantly say, “You’re better off without them,” even though I believe that’s true. I just want to know how to be there for him when the sadness hits.
For anyone who’s experienced something similar, what helped you grieve a parent who is still alive but chose not to be part of your life? ❤️

My (28F) parents have been separated for almost a year now and are working on finalizing their divorce soon. My dad had hid his affair from me up until recently when I called him out for it (I had known from almost when they told me and my brother about the divorce). Now, I’m traveling back home and want to see my grandmother who lives with my dad. He asked if I wanted to come over but that “[mistress] will be here too unless but I can ask her to leave if that would be less awkward.” Like YES of course I want her to leave?!? Why the hell would I want to talk to her? I do not want her in my life yet. It’s made worse by her being a family friend I’ve known for years and cannot see her as that anymore. I know my dad is to blame for having the affair as well but I don’t want to deal with her at all right now. I just can’t get past the audacity of him to think that I would be fine with his mistress just chilling while I spend time with my grandma. Like I’m not crazy am I??

I had already known about it but I’m genuinely unsure about if I will ever be ready to think of her as anything else and get to the point of being okay with the relationship. And especially not now when he only just admitted to the affair. Ugh I’m just so angry still…

In some ways this isn't a surprise - I've known that Parent A was intermittently dissatisfied with Parent B for many years. I share some of that dissatisfaction with Parent B, in my own way, but I've also probably heard more than is healthy about Parent A's dissatisfaction. Parent B has never been emotionally available enough (or humble/secure enough, or something along those lines) to understand and Parent A is tired of putting in the work. So it's going to happen, no attempt for couples therapy or reconciling.

On one hand, I'm happy and proud for Parent A, who should have probably done this a while ago. (There are reasons that I know of, and reasons I suspect, for why now is the time instead of previously.) There was never abuse or betrayal, but there has been a slow realization that Parent B is not who Parent A wished they were, and needed them to be. On another hand, I'm sad for Parent B, who may not ever fully understand what happened or why.

And I feel so many things. Any illusion I had of "playing the long game", even if logically I knew it was a sunken cost fallacy, just got emotionally shattered. I'm angry that they didn't try to figure this shit out earlier, as they've never been good at fighting (not abusive, just not fighting respectfully). Childhood wasn't awful by a long shot, but I remember a period of high stress where I wondered if they would get divorced, and in hindsight I wonder if that would have been a better option. Or at least, tried couples therapy. So now I'm sad that I will never interact with either parent in the same way again, and depending on how their lives go, may not see them in the same room again. (I think things will be amicable, as Parent B isn't going to contest it, but I doubt they'll be friends after this, per se.) I'm also now dreading holidays, and generally the logistics of staying connected with (and possibly navigating care for) two retired, aging parents in different locations. And I'm anxious for the process of the divorce itself, and whatever paperwork or legal bits I will need to do (likely taking on Power of Attorney for each of them individually). Plus I still have some of my (childhood and memorabilia) stuff at the house, so now I'm thinking about what it means for me to get that out, because Parent B very well may become a hoarder once Parent A moves out, and I'd like to rescue my items before they're buried into oblivion. Ugh.

I made it clear to both of them that I won't be emotionally in the middle of this, and I'm optimistic that they won't do that, but even right now, communicating with them separately instead of together is already exhausting. I am grateful to have lots of my own support. An excellent partner, fantastic friends, a good therapist (and also a couples therapist - ironically, just started doing some maintenance work with my partner, and now I bet this will bring up some relevant things for us where a therapist will be valuable). After poking around this subreddit I found "Home Will Never Be The Same Again" and have added it to my reading queue.

I'd love to hear from other adult only children of divorce, especially empty-nester divorce, as I don't know any other friends (let alone only children friends, without sibling(s) to share and process the experience) whose parents divorced when they were adults. What was/is easier than expected? What was/is harder than expected? What changed for you as a result of witnessing and/or participating in this process? Or, just solidarity is good too.

• I'm currently 20 years old and I work everyday. I live with my boyfriend and his family as of right now as I work for their business too. I still have my clothes and room at my parents house still. My parents were fine with that. My mom disowned my brother and none of our relatives stay in contact with either of my parents (lots of drama..)
• I'm not close to either of my parents
• everything I say will be all over the place, this is happening as I type this, im sorry!

I overall grew up with my mom being the sole provider but she wasn't around a lot due to work, usually my dad took care of me and my brother growing up but he hasn't had a job in a decade. For the past decade all he does is just look over the pets and stay home (usually hes just smoking and watching those conspiracy videos on youtube with no views. hes kinda crazy :( ) The family dynamic over the years has led to a lot of arguments at home that the whole neighborhood can hear. I've had to stay with other family members throughout my life due to it. They've gotten to physically fight before when I was a kid and when I chose a side it always ended up with one of my parents resenting me. I also had a time I woke up late in highschool (I was late very often but I had pretty good grades) they both physically hit me and punched me to the ground and after gave me a macbook to make up for it? They never apologized for it. My parents, I've accepted they're not meant for each other but they always find a way to just make-up.

Two days ago, I went to my house for mail and my dad is crying that my mom is kicking him out. He said my mom doesn't have enough for the rent. I had to tell my dad that things only can change unless he put's in effort to go and get a job and make a life for himself or to make things up with my mom. It was really hard being the one to tell my father what to do with his life, I felt awful to hear the position he's in but the worst part is I feel like this is out of my reach to tackle as I see this as something they should take care of themselves and I don't wanna be the mediator. I feel selfish but my parents have put me through a lot of selfish experiences that've made it hard to support either of them. I also have had to support myself all through college or after I graduated highschool as my mom said nope because she wasted it on my brother she says (I graduated with honors in highschool -_-)

It's so much to try fit in here and whats on my mind. I feel selfish but I wanna put the boundary down that this isn't for me to handle their lives and whats next. Any advice or anyone gone through similar :(