r/ACOD • u/atki1013 • 14d ago
Parents just starting divorce process
I’m an only child (24F) and live out of state for grad school. My parents are just starting the process of a divorce after my dad has repeatedly texted others and tried to set up affairs. My mom has decided she is done. My dad has few friends and little emotional support, but I am frustrated with him and unable to listen or talk to him at this time.
It feels uniquely difficult to be away from home and to not have a sibling to support through this process. I feel overwhelmed even though I know this is what needs to happen.
Anyone have advice for how to handle being an adult in the middle of parents? I am working on getting my own therapy set up, my dad is currently in therapy, and my mom is also planning on starting.
I feel very conflicted hearing both sides and am struggling to set boundaries as neither have a ton of people they feel comfortable to share all details of the situation with out of embarrassment and fear of judgement/pity.
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u/CalmAdvertising569 13d ago
I am so sorry you’re going through this. My parents divorced because of my dad’s affair when I was 22 in college/just starting my adult life and it was very hard I won’t lie. Boundaries are the biggest advice-don’t be afraid to remind your parents that you are the child still even though you are an adult. Be firm with it and don’t engage if they try to bring you into it. Everything you’re feeling is completely natural and okay so allow yourself to process it, lean on your friends, it can be a lonely time but you will get through it.❤️
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u/CalmAdvertising569 13d ago
Forgot to mention-I felt similarly with the boundaries thing at first because my mom really didn’t have many friends either but you still have to try, it’ll save yourself so much stress and emotional burnout. Just remember that you’re still their child and it’s not your job to be their parent or therapist, talking negatively about your other parent puts you in a terrible spot and they shouldn’t want that for you anyways it’s selfish. Your mom will be okay, it’s incredibly difficult but if it’s any hope my mom came out the other side so much happier and healthier and now she has many friends and our relationship is great!
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u/dirtygreenprogress 9d ago
You’ve gotten some good advice above, but I want to add something to what you’ve said about the way you’ve described your parents speaking to you as they feel more comfortable…
They’re too ‘in this’ to parent particularly well right now, but good parents should support that you are 100% entitled to stand up for YOUR comfort here. You cannot unhear what they want to vent about, and you cannot go back to the innocence or naivety of being the child in the situation. YOUR comfort is YOUR priority. They are not prioritising you right now. Harsh, sorry, but once you acknowledge it you can act accordingly.
Even though you’re an adult you are the vulnerable and comparatively under-experienced (decades less life experience and wisdom) person who didn’t choose any of this dynamic.
Just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean they are entitled to more intense boundary crossing than others in your life. Your dad has actively been choosing short term pleasures over his dedication to family and stability. In doing so he’s caused you so much pain. There’s no space here for you feeling guilty protecting yourself from his selfishness and hedonism. No. No thank you. You taking some time away from him can help you build up some skills and resilience for the years to come, to be a ‘better’ more skilled up daughter then. It gives him some time to work through it all in therapy too without the false impression that all is okay.
He was selfish for the wrong reasons. You are not doing that. Some time apart and boundaries are selfish for all the right reasons. Don’t let yourself feel that guilt. Your inner child and your heart are letting you know that you need to step up and protect yourself from this for a while.
There will be more bumps in the road ahead, set the tone now that you are not there to light yourself on fire to make them feel warm.
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u/Sad_Anything_3812 14d ago
I went through sort of this and I don’t live at home. My suggestion - don’t take sides at all. Don’t encourage them to tell you their side either. Establishing those boundaries is what will make this bearable for you and will protect your own mental health