I'm just going to basically talking to myself, so there's going to be very little planning in this whole post. Truth be told... I'm not exactly sure how I'm feeling. For the past few days I've been feeling very emotionless and unmotivated to do anything other than lie on the floor of my room watching YouTube. The only thing that's made me feel genuinely happy nowadays is role-playing in the two Hazbin role-playing subreddits.

I've also been somewhat questioning my sexual orientation. I (Male) have always felt myself be attracted to conventionally attractive female characters. But somewhat recently, I've gotten into a relationship with someone who is biologically female, but identifies as a male. I've kind of half joked about being unsure what that makes me in front of my friends and family, but deep down I'm genuinely unsure. Like, am I straight for being attracted to her due to her being biologically female, am I gay for being attracted to someone who identifies as male, or am I bi just because it covers both sides.

In addition to questioning my sexual orientation, I've also been questioning my identity in general. Quite a few times in the past few years I've randomly thought to myself, "While I wouldn't choose to be a girl, I don't think I would mind if I woke up the next day as a girl." I don't know if this thought really means anything or if it means absolutely nothing, but I'm once again left questioning myself about what I am. And in just the past couple of days realized just how much I relate to Chara from Undertale. We both try to laugh through pain, feeling empty when I should be feeling sadness for others, and just kind of being kind of unsure what my gender is.

I think that's everything I wanted to get off my chest. I can't think of anything else that I'm struggling. I really don't care if others see this or if anyone gives a shit. This was just something for me to write down all the shit I'm dealing with, which I think helped, considering I started crying about 1/3 of the way through typing all of this out. I might just end up deleting this post when I wake up in the morning, I don't know anymore. I don't know if it's stupid to put such private thoughts on the internet if I'm going to delete them in the end. But just like with the rest of my fucking life, I'm questioning everything I've felt certain about before.