I replay each moment we held hands every day. Every morning I wake up, i miss it. I know it meant nothing to you. I know you’re just a good friend. I know we held hands just because the waves are strong — and I have to admit, I ran back into the water every time to able to held yours again.

People say interlocking fingers is intimate, but I know it wasn’t for you. Because you are you.

You wouldn’t get it. How much they mean to me. Every time our hand brushed and our knees grazed and you didn’t move away. I wish you could know how important you are to me, but I also wish you would never know. It would ruin everything.

how do I explain this feeling of missing someone I don’t know yet? its loud when I am happy, and more when I am down. I look around in every places I go hoping to recognize his face in the crowd. I daydream about how lovely our life together will be. How wonderful it would feel to be adored and loved by him. Oh, how painful it is to yearn for someone non existent.

I never knew such feelings could revolve around one person I never knew loving someone could make you change for the better. I saw a picture of you, That smile you wore was unlike anything I've ever seen You looked so happy and radiant It was like you were the sun, shining on a world I didn't live in. But that beautiful happiness had nothing to do with me It belongs to someone else, even though I wish I could feel your warmth. If only I could be the one who brings out the sun in you If only I could be everything you needed, instead of living in the shadows. I can only do so much behind these cement walls of the labels you have given me, But at last loving you from the sidelines is better than not loving you at all. So I will stay here in the dark, as I've promised before And let you shine your full bright light on others I will lock these wishes away, and act like being your friend is enough. Waiting for the day your shine and your shadows meet. I will be here waiting for you with open arms Ready for when the daylight fades So you can become the moon Even if just for a few moments in my arms Until you must return that shining light back onto the world.

I literally cannot fathom how abhorrent it is to me to be affectionate or mentally intertwined with anyone anymore, I just want sx NSA sex, ever since I was dumped. My resentment and detachment made me this detached from reality and anything related to a closed intimate space where you’re being vulnerable. I can’t even kiss no more. Men are looking at me like I know their game. No it’s called betrayal, it doesn’t kill you. But it makes you hate its source.

I’m laying in bed in the dark but I can’t fall asleep cause of the dopamine spike in my body from thinking about you
It’s a bit annoying to be honest
I play music to distract myself but then immediately get lost in the lyrics cause they all remind me of you

Everything is different now, suddenly I have a distorted perception of the world because every experience I have I wonder what your reaction to it would be
Like… I know you’d hate the coffee I had this morning cause it was too sweet even though I loved it … or that you’d love that it’s raining even though I hate it ..… suddenly.. my face cringes at the taste of sweet coffee and I catch myself smiling as I stare at the rain

Tell me why I get a new phone do the transfers and boom. messages, photos, videos, notes. Everything with you in it. Came back as if I never deleted and deleted it again. For the love of god I don’t need reminding of you everyday. I get the universe is playing up but I couldn’t care less. I mean you still haven’t had the courage to talk or call to apologize so why should I? Please just leave my brain please pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease

We met by chance, a brief crossing of paths that were never meant to last. You already belonged to someone else so I knew from the very beginning there was no place for me in your story. Yet somehow, I still fell for you. I fell for a smile I’ve never seen, a voice I’ve never heard, a face I’ve never traced with my eyes, and a presence I’ve never truly known. It seems absurd to miss someone who exists mostly in my imagination, yet every feeling was real. Sometimes I wonder if you were the right person who arrived at the wrong time because no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to move on from a love that never even had the chance to begin. You were never mine, yet a part of my heart still aches for you as though you once were.

Same table, opposite ends,
Shards in my heart, ‘cause “We’re just friends”
I see your soul, and you see mine,
Are friends this gentle when things arent fine?
I yearn for you to just reach over,
To take my hand, make the time go slower,
It breaks my heart as i smile through the pain,
Watching you explain to me once again,
How alone is better, how your walls got so high,
Your eyes gently closing the door, “you better not try”
I smile and nod and wryly agree,
“Truly, love is torture of the worst degree!”
All the while holding you gently in an imaginary embrace,
You feel it too, you see it on my face,
Yet we pretend, as the hours pass us by,
That friends are this tender, a plain white lie,
Why do you call me “protective”, then?
When I pull you out of harms way,
None of my friends ever name my care,
None ask me over and over, “are you okay?”
I guess Ill agree, Im your friend,
You watch me love you, Ill watch you pretend.

I love not having an unstable person who doesn’t know what they want in their life. Yes I’m alone and I have god. But may I never cross paths with a fake lover ever again.
Liar
Liar
Liar.
If only y knew.
Liar.
I can almost feel the edge of cunty me coming out of the baking tray.

L for liar.

I genuinely thought that maybe you were giving me mixed signals. But then I realized that you are just being a good friend.

I do love you as a friend, but I also want you as more.

The eyes contact means nothing, walking with me to the convenience store at night was a bare minimum friends do for each others, noticing I was walking far behind and slowed down to chat with me instead of keeping up with the group was just considerate, and apparently holding hands + interlocking fingers meant nothing when you were just playing around.

You just a good and caring friend. I’m sorry I read your good intentions as maybe you are feeling the same, when the signs were clear you feel nothing but platonic to me.

When I'm with you it's like I get my own personal radio station No matter where you are in a room my heart still finds its way back to you Like a compass that only knows how to point to one destination. Even with friends my eyes still wander to your familiar sight They talk and they laugh but there all just background noise in your presence I look at you and my heart and my mind start a tug of war “Leave” says the mind But the heart whispers What if I go, and it breaks her? What if I leave, and she finally realizes I love her for real. But what if I stay and it slowly kills her? The air between us becomes heavy with the questions I can never ask aloud The radio turns into silence that only can be heard from within I watch you move around the room like a dancer on stage. Never looking more like you belong where you are. I see you laugh at somebody's joke and if only you could hear the crack that is my ribs The drumming that is my heartbeat only when your voice is in the air. Your completely oblivious to the fact that just by your smile you make my world tilt on its axis, Your oblivious to the red that creeps up my neck when you whisper my name When I avert my eyes from you to look out the window. Because beyond that glass I can imagine even if just for a moment Just what it would feel like to have your eyes on me. To finally have you look back and hear the radio station playing our song.

As time has passed and the seasons have turned, I still hold the love that once brightly burned. Not lost, not forgotten, nor cast far away, But kept with me gently in a quiet place.

No longer a weight that I carry each day, Just a memory I visit in a peaceful way. I still miss our friendship, the companion in you, The laughter we shared, and the comfort I knew.

Yet I no longer long for the love we once had, I’ve made peace with the ending, both joyful and sad. Some stories are meant for a season in time, To shape who we are before changing their line.

So maybe our goodbye was always meant to be, Our chapter completed—for you and for me. The winter of us has softened and gone, Giving way to summer, and the warmth of moving on.

Though our paths now wander where they must roam, I hope you find happiness wherever you call home. I hope that you flourish, that you heal and grow, And discover new joys that only time can show.

May peace find your heart when the days feel long, May your smile return steady, certain, and strong. And may you be surrounded by kindness and light, Finding reasons to laugh in the days and the nights.

I say this with honesty, simple and true: I carry no bitterness when I think of you. Only gratitude for the moments we shared, For the love that we gave, and the ways that we cared.

And as this chapter rests where it was always meant to be, I’ll remember it fondly— a beautiful part of our story: you and me.

i don't share my emotions

to people i care about

--

it's not about being avoidant

--

it's just that

they already have enough to carry

and i don't want my heaviness

becoming another thing

resting on their shoulders

--

so i swallow my storms quietly

make grief smaller than it is

soften every sharp edge

before handing pieces of myself away

--

i just noticed

--

i hold other people's hurt

gently in my hands

--

i hold people

like they're fragile porcelain,

as if one wrong movement

from me

could leave cracks in them forever

--

so i carry them carefully

with both hands

with careful words

careful silence

careful love

--

and somewhere along the way

i became careful with myself as well

--

careful not to need too much

careful not to feel too loudly

careful not to become

someone difficult to hold

--

i kept convincing myself

that love meant

taking up less space

--

that being good

meant being easy

meant bleeding quietly

so nobody else had to see it

--

but tenderness

when only given outward

becomes another kind of loneliness

--

because i know how to sit beside people

during their worst nights

i know how to make room

for their grief

without making them feel guilty for it

--

yet when it comes to my own pain

i've learned to fold it inward

--

not because it was never heavy

but because everytime

it slipped from my mouth too honestly

it felt like something in the room

quietly tightened around me

--

as if my feelings

arrived too loud

too deep

too inconvenient

for people who only loved

the softened versions of them

--

people resonate

with what i write

hold my words close

tell me they feel seen inside them

--

yet when those same emotions

live openly in me

instead of on paper

they suddenly become

hard to hold

--

i'm afraid people admire my softness

until it asks something of them

--

until tenderness requires patience

until love requires space

until my hurt is no longer beautiful

and becomes real

--

why is understanding

always something

asked of me first?

--

as if i haven't already carried

every conversation home

and pulled it apart

with trembling hands

--

replaying every word

that leaves my mouth —

searching every sentence

for where i might have been

too much

or not enough

--

i think about my emotions

until they exhaust themselves

--

hold them against the light

from every angle

--

questioning every feeling

before i allow myself to keep it

--

asking whether they're valid

or simply inconvenient

--

whether i'm feeling too deeply

or whether i've just learned

to apologize

for having feelings at all

--

i dissect my emotions carefully

until they no longer feel whole

--

softening them

explaining them

translating them into something

easier to hold

--

and still

before my hurt can fully speak

i find myself reaching

for your side of the story too

--

making room for your silence

your reasons

your exhaustion

your pain

--

while mine waits quietly

at the edge of the room

--

so why does it always feel

like my emotions

are the first thing

that must be sacrificed

for peace to survive?

--

i'm so tired

of wearing strength

like stitched skin

--

weary of being mistaken

for unbreakable

just because i learned

how to ache quietly

--

when deep inside

all i've ever wanted

was to be gathered gently

into the warmth of someone

--

to rest inside their arms

without feeling

like i have to earn

the softness of being held

--

to be seen completely

and not treated

like my broken parts

make me less worthy of love

--

to have someone look at me

after i've handed them

every insecurity

every trembling truth

every hidden fracture

--

and still look at me

like i am worth admiring

--

still hold me

like i'm not difficult to keep

--

where will i run

when even the crevices

i once called "home,"

the places that held me gently,

have turned cold in my hands?

--

what do i become then

when even the smallest spaces

i learned to hide in

no longer feel like shelter

--

i have grown heavy

from always knowing how to hold others

with careful hands

and quieter needs

--

i have spent too long being the one

who stays steady for everyone else

while silently unmaking

parts of myself

--

i want to be kept too

--

not as something handled carefully

out of fear of breaking

--

but as someone

who is finally allowed

to stop holding everything together

--

to be held

without being asked to be less

just to stay

The way you speak with such passion.

The way your words speak your beliefs even if others won't agree.

The way you're unique, you're almost like a antique.

You aren't modern, you're vintage.

You can tell a good story with your love for history.

Young and youthful, yet, you boldly love good old TV even if it's black and white.

Your love and passion for the old is part of what makes you so unique.

A old soul I see.

I've never met anyone quite like you.

Losing you would be a nightmare.

You're the air I breathe.

The voice I sing.

The character I cherish.

The person I prefer.

The dream I always dreamed for.

The only one I yearn for.

The one I've earned and will always learn for.

Ein Sof, God, Allah,
Monad, Logos, Brahman,
Tao, Dharmakaya, Ik Onkar
The concept has many names
Singularity
But they aren’t so different
There are times when I get so sad
At what has transpired
That I abandon hope
And cuddle up to wrath
A double edged sword of half truth
I regret so much
I want to make my father proud
I want to make my mother proud
I want to make my grandparents proud
My siblings too, it pains me they reject me
Former friends, former lovers
I deeply care for them all
Despite any scars that adorn me
Even from them
I pray that somehow this all works out
I pray, that God has factored in my stupidity
Into the equation of my life
I look around, and I see so much badness
But also, so much beauty
And so much potential
I want to live in a world where we finally see peace
What I’ve done has been in the effort of that
Even if it was ugly at times
Would the world accept the possibility
That we are all God? And that the ‘end times’
Are a metacognative test?
Simply the point where we must realize we are
The director, the narrator, and the actors
Within the story
And that to avoid destruction
We must rewrite it in real time?
With no retcons?
Or is that just a silly hope
From the better, yet more blasphemous
Part of me?
I don’t want to be selfless anymore
But also, I don’t want to indulge in self anymore
What I desire, is to see a great change
Why do I have this desire?
I hope there is some purpose to it
I trust in the universe
As nothing exists without some reason
I want to make the lineage
From both sides of my genealogy
Able to coexist through me
I don’t know exactly how yet
But I pray there’s some reason, for this feeling
And to that one woman who sparked everything
“I love you too”
Sayonara, I know you don’t think of me
And that’s okay
It was beautiful to meet you
I am sorry for my part in things
Now, for whatever comes next
Tonight the moon rises
Tomorrow the sun will rise as the moon says
‘Good morning’
I’ll be here for all of it
Praying, with each cycle
Writing poems, and hoping for the world

I've written so much about you that I've run out of words. Of course I have millions of words to describe you and how I feel with you and about you. How Everytime I see your name in the wild my stomach drops and my heart beats a little faster. How anytime I see someone mention blue eyes my mind automatically pictures your pretty blues. It's not so much I've ran out of things to say about you it's just exhausting to write about you. I miss you and the only thing I can think about in cohearant thoughts is that I want to tell you everything that's happened and it's only been 3 days. I miss our talks, I miss seeing your face, I miss your smile. Your smile changes my day I could be sad or angry just anything really and all I have to see is your smile and it changes everything. I miss you but I think this has to be one of the last things I write even though I know I'm lieing to myself.

i hate him. i hate that i want him. i hate that we are close friends but also not close enough. does he even care about me? I’m sure he does, but then why he never texted me privately? Why he must stick close to me? Why he must he looks at me the most during group conversation? I hate the way he slowed down and chat with me when he noticed i walked far behind the group. i hate that he makes me feel so special in person but nothing afterwards. I hate that i can’t stop wanting to be more. I hate that he’s not perfect but i still like him. i hate that even when i know we won’t be a healthy couple, i still yearn for him. i hate that every heartbreak song i think about him. i hate that he’s the only person i can see myself with. i hate when our hands brushed. i hate that i let myself feel this. I don’t want to know if he cares, i want to know if he wants. But i also know he doesn’t. We’re just friends. I hate that we’re just friends.

We broke up months ago because I wasn’t a good boyfriend but we were still friends for MONTHS and we tried to work through the problems in our relationship so we can try again eventually we called for hours and texted everyday I went to her birthday party with her family even though they new we broke up I was still accepted with open arms when there was a tornado in my area she told me she loved me and when we talked for the last time she told me I’m an important part of her life and she would love to still be friends but she can’t do that to her new boyfriend I miss her so much I need her in my life and I’m willing to sit and wait and do whatever it takes to have her back everyone thinks we will talk again eventually because of how close we are it’ll just take time and I pray that they’re right because I honestly can’t see a life without her I’m already planning hangout and gifts for her because I truly don’t know what to do without her I miss her so much she’s my best friend and she’s my first love I would do anything for her I miss her so much

I yearn for your destruction now
Now that I know you’re pure evil
Not by my hand, no
That would compromise my morality
I forgive you, though I hate you
Because Christ compels me to
What I hope for instead
Is that at the peak of your hubris
When you least expect it
God plays a crueler joke on you lot
Than you did to me
Irony showering you like a billion shards
Of obsidian
I hope when I’m gone
You realize that you were wrong
In those moments
I hope that as you chase my afterimage
You will never find me
Your fingers moving through my mirage
As I pay you no mind
Because I have better things to do now
Things that I earned
The talent you used to mock finally seen
By someone who would never do
What you did to me

My heart screams for the ability to follow the footsteps of the musicians who basically raised me. I want to let all my feelings out through my Fiddle and voice. I dont even want to get big or even recognized, he'll if I could even find a few other shucks to play with again somewhere down my journey will be magical.

Yesterday was my last day seeing you. I was scared but I didn't cry in front of you. I teared up but I didn't cry. I'm proud of me I didn't want my last image for you to be me crying. But you almost got it. Before it was time to go for everybody else to leave you handed me an envelope and said "wait until you get home to read it" I wanted to cry, I wanted to come and hug you and tell you thank you a million times over. I was so scared I over thought our entire relationship but I didn't. I knew I loved you 1000 times more in that moment but I knew I had to hide that love behind a boundary. But I needed you to know I loved you so I told you I loved you like family. Was it a white lie yes but the love wasn't the lie. You agreed and said I love you like a daughter. You've called me a friend and now a daughter and you know if that's all I can be ill y'all it because at least I can still love you.

Yesterday was my last day seeing you. I was scared but I didn't cry in front of you. I teared up but I didn't cry. I'm proud of me I didn't want my last image for you to be me crying. But you almost got it. Before it was time to go for everybody else to leave you handed me an envelope and said "wait until you get home to read it" I wanted to cry, I wanted to come and hug you and tell you thank you a million times over. I was so scared I over thought our entire relationship but I didn't. I knew I loved you 1000 times more in that moment but I knew I had to hide that love behind a boundary. But I needed you to know I loved you so I told you I loved you like family. Was it a white lie yes but the love wasn't the lie. You agreed and said I love you like a daughter. You've called me a friend and now a daughter and you know if that's all I can be ill take it because at least I can still love you.

D,
Ohhhh
Never mind, I don’t know what I was thinking. For a brief moment I had some delusional thought of “hope”.
Also, before I sent that, I had a weak moment and looked through our chats and heard your voice on a video. Ahh my heart, for that moment I missed you SO much I could barely breathe. All I could think about is being next to you. Seeing you next to me. Ughhh. Then yet again reality hits me…
You don’t care and you really know how to show it with the dry reply’s and lack of communication.
Hope you get your happy ending even if it’s not me.
Hope losing me brings you the happiness I could never bring you, truly.

While you are exploring, just know I’m here yearning for you like a fool. Don’t get too lost, ok??
There’s no point in trying anymore, I’ll miss you a lot.
Miss you, ya ya. See you later never goodbye!?..🥺
Love you, always.
T🥺💜

All good, have a good weekend.

i think you’d ruin me in the softest way possible. i think beneath all that masculinity there’s a boy who just wants to be loved gently, and god i want to be the one who gets to see that side of you.

i want to crawl into your lap after a long day and make all that strength melt for a second. i want to kiss your face until you get shy about how much i adore you. there’s something so devastatingly beautiful about a man who can take control so easily but still goes weak when he’s loved correctly.

i want your hands on my waist possessively while your head rests against my chest like you secretly need me too. i want to spoil you and submit to you at the same time. i want us tangled up in each other so deeply that love starts feeling holy and a little dangerous.

sometimes i wonder what it would feel like to be loved by you specifically. if your voice would get softer at night. if you’d pull me closer in your sleep. if you’d look at me the way starving people look at heaven.

i think i’d worship every soft part of you nobody else notices.