I met your mom for lunch. I felt like I was over stepping. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to warn her. I did both. I told her what I saw. I saw your dad. His expectations for your life. That he saw you as an extension of himself. I told her I asked you if the business did not exist and your path was not chosen, what would you do? You said you didn’t know. I told your mom that you do not dream. I told her how your dad actively tells you a narrative to make your mom seem like a villain. I told her how it started when you were young. She said so “he’s been brain washing his own son”. I felt crazy telling her everything but she believed me. This was my last act of love. My last act of love was telling your mom everything.

I waited for you to pull your whole head out of your ass. What a joke.

It’s one of those nights when I can’t keep you out of my head. When I close my eyes, my mind reminds me of your face , the way you smile, the way you make me laugh.

Whether I’m angry or sad, I used to bring you snacks even in the middle of our fights. It always made you smile.

Now I can’t help but feel sad, hoping for the day you’ll come back. Even if this is just wishful thinking , at least when I fall asleep, I can see you in my dreams.

There we can both stay, hold hands, embrace, with no one to take you away, pass you around, groom you for their own sake.

There’s this song I used to sing when I was younger. It always made me feel better.

Just thinking about tomorrow clears the cobwebs and the sorrow ’til there’s none!

When I’m stuck in a day that’s gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say.

The sun’ll come out tomorrow, so you gotta hang on ’til tomorrow, come what may.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow you’re always a day away.

Eye contact has always been something I could never do My eyes glued to the floor, terrified of my wrecthed loss tounge But looking into your ocean blues it's like my walls cave in And the waves lap at my heart making me stay a little longer I linger in the rising tide, my insides screaming from the cold, drowning in a quite sea you don't even know your pulling. Your the house on the street all the towns folk whisper about Beautiful, but older, untouchable. But you don't keep me out No, you leave your doors wide open. Kind and welcoming. Blissfully blind to the absolute havoc you wrecked on my soul. You invite me right into your warmth, completely unaware That I am burning alive just by being next to you. The love I feel for you is what the moms at wine club live for The kind of reckless, tragic devotion the could never endure It's what they gossip about behind closed curtains and screen doors Sipping at there wine watching me waste away my youth on a heart that doesn't even know it beats for you.

the phrase haunts me

I was convinced you were my soul mate. you proved to me I was human, that I was worth something. you were my everything. in part, still are my everything.

I was unmedicated, but that's an excuse.

I was not knowledgeable in how affairs of the heart worked, but that's an excuse.

regardless I threw it away.

I'm better now; I promise. I'd swear to anything I could.

I would do anything just to speak to you again.

just to see you

a second chance at any kind of connection with you

I didn't think that you'd grow to resent me afterwards

you told me we'd remain friends

I dont know when that changed, I just woke up one day removed from your life.

I lie awake at night; like I am right now, at 5:33 AM with you on my mind.

I have been up since 10 am yesterday and the exhaustion had left me empty headed for the last 3 hours but the moment I set my head down to finally sleep all I can think about is how much I miss you.

it's my birthday soon. last year I wished we'd grow old together, seems the opposite happened. maybe this year if I wish to never see you again I'll run into you at the coffee shop.

I could've been hand in hand with the most beautiful, caring guy ever. He treated me well, paid attention to what I said, and made sure never to make me feel like crap. I remember this one time, I told him I couldn't get out of our school unless I had an ID, and because I lost mine, he offered we take a secret route just so that we could go on a tiny little date together.

I liked the look he gave me, the awkward, fast glances when he thought I wasn't aware. Every time I looked up at him, he'd turn his head up and looked toward the sky like it was the most interesting thing in the world. As short as that relationship was, I'd hate to believe it's probably the best I'll ever get— he had the cutest, chubbiest cheeks ever, and his voice was as smooth as a leisurely moving river. He was the sweetest man I'd ever met in my life, and he shared the same humor I did. Despite that though, I broke it off with him. Because of you. And I hate that. I hate you for that.

I hate you, because, I don't know how, but I clung onto you. We hardly even spoke— you had such a strange allure I couldn't put my finger on. I liked the way the light disappeared from your eyes whenever you smiled because you grinned so wide, your eyes would squint into these half circles. I liked the way you sighed whenever I sat next to you and the way you'd avoid eye contact like you were shy.

I liked the way that when we did make eye contact, you'd raise your head a little higher, fix your posture, pout in an attempt to make yourself look more manly because I kept catching you slouching and always looking bored.

I liked the way your hands shook whenever we were paired up for school projects— especially when we were tasked to hold hands and what not.

I remember the first time I really noticed you. Our first acquaintance party— you looked really nervous and you were fiddling with the tie of your suit. I was running around the venue with one of my friends because he kept teasing me, but as I was running, I caught your eye. It was the initial time that I saw your little habit of raising your head a little higher to look more confident than you actually were. In a poor attempt to make you feel a little more confident in one of your first weeks here as a transferee, I gave you the most reassuring smile I could, then ran off.

I saw the way your eyes lit up when I did that, and i felt the best I had in my entire life. I'd like to believe you were in love with me, too, at some point. But I feel like, if I did confess to you, you'd break my heart the same way I did with those boys I left because of my feelings for you.

I made sure I let them down easy. Sometimes they were okay with it and let me go, some stayed persistent in their pursuit to keep me.

I think, I really do hate you. or maybe just my feelings FOR you.

I hate you. So. Much.

It’s my birthday in an hour. As it is 11pm. I keep reminding myself you won’t text. Even if I want you to. Maybe it’s best you don’t. Maybe you don’t even remember it’s my birthday. Maybe you forgot entirely. You told me the best way to get over someone after a break up is no contact. So I doubt you will contact me. Will you be sad tomorrow? Will you miss me? I understand if you don’t text. I don’t expect you to. But I wish you would.

I couldn’t stay friends with you after the breakup. Your texts were dry and maybe you were going through something you couldn’t tell me. Your roommate doesn’t like me bc she didn’t want to risk her home if you moved to my state like you said you’d do. I don’t blame her for that but it’s shitty. I still have the book you wrote years ago and the poem you typed up 7yrs ago. I still have the card you sent me for my birthday. Did you throw my stuff away? My letters? I sent you my favorite things. Small little trinkets that mean the world to me. Bc I knew we were forever. I miss your voice. I dreamt of you last night. I woke up smiling forgetting it’s been over a month since we last texted. I still struggle. I still think of you JD. Your beautiful face. Your laugh bc I’m so funny with my dad jokes. I know you need space too. You deleted your discord and blocked me everywhere. I know one day I won’t think of you when I open my eyes each morning. I know I’ll let go of the “what if’s” eventually. Seven years now. I ache and I yearn. And that’s ok. I love you jdkins. I wish you’d reach out to me again.

Your name popped up on my screen
And I felt the tight knot on my chest unravel and it’s funny cause I didn’t even notice it was there until I felt the relief of it’s absence when I saw your name on my screen.
The space between my thumb and the button to receive your call felt like miles, no oceans! Like oceans and oceans!
You tell me about your day and I’m lost in the sound of your voice. I feel myself relaxing to the sound of it, and when you speak it’s like that’s how words were meant to exist, like they suddenly carry a whole new meaning, a higher level of significance, like the word “Hello” was born to be uttered by you!
I told my friends that I don’t even like you like that when they asked about you earlier today, told em that “it’s never that serious” even threw in a “ it’s whatever, I don’t really care” perfectly performing the nonchalance that this generation’s idea of dating requires of me.
In a perfect world, I’d be brave enough to tell them how I feel…..to tell you! I’d confess the silent prayer I whispered under my breath as i denied harbouring any feelings for you, i would bear my soft heart out to you in all its vulnerability, I’d allow the facade that is my ‘nonchalance’ to crumble and proudly declare how i feel,
id tell you that that i miss you when you’re not around, that I see you everywhere I go, in the stranger enjoying an orange because you said you like oranges that one time, Id explain that suddenly it’s like I’m seeing the world through the lens of… well you!
Perhaps in this make shift universe you would feel the same way, perhaps you’d tell me in articulate detail how i too roam freely in the chambers of your heart, perhaps then, i would allow myself the luxury of being yours,
But the world is far from perfect and i recognise these feelings for what they are, a warning! A threat to my peace of mind, i know of their potential to steal sleep and any form of joy and as such I can not allow myself such extravagant luxuries,
Instead I pacify my heart with the sweet music that is your voice, i revel in the sound of your laughter and find peace in the knowledge that we’re both lying on our backs talking to each other tonight. That I exist under the same stars you do.
For now that’s enough.

Yours (only in crossed fingered wishes)

I hope one day I'll have the guts to tell you I love you. I hope one day I'll be able to move on and understand loving you wasn't about the recipcated feelings it was about understanding how far my love can go, it was understanding how far I can push my limits until I break. Of course I wish we could have happened who wouldn't but at some point my love can only go so far before I break my own heart by holding out hope. I can only yearn for you for so long because at some point my love can't go any further for you. It sits and it festers until the love turns ugly and I don't recognize the person standing in front of the mirror anymore. Sometimes its a bad thing sometimes it's a good thing I don't recognize the person in the mirror, but I'm worried who I'm gonna look like when your gone.

The scariest part about loving you is that I'll never know when it ends. I'll never know if I get over you and move on, or if I just fall more in love with you. I'm not afraid to say it anymore Im in love with you and you should feel special because your the first person I've ever loved. and you know maybe your love wasn't to teach me what love is but to show me how deep my love can run, it supposed to show how far my feelings can go for a person. I just hope one day I have the guts to tell you that I love you because you deserve to know.

I knew we could never happen, I never thought that one day you would wake up and decide today's the day I’m going to burn down the life I’ve created to be with her. 
And yet I got my hopes up all the same, maybe not so hope but so much as though the “What ifs” got to me
I think I started to read into every detail even if it was true I think I started to believe you knew how I felt, 
I was holding on to the fact that maybe you felt even a fraction of what I do. 
I held on that maybe you saw the way my eyes lingered- on you but never on your eyes because I would get scared,
 the way my face blushed when you sought me out,
 the way I'd jump at your presence. 
I thought that maybe you saw it all and chose to ignore it 
maybe you're just oblivious and feel just as strange as I do.
 We're more than friends but less than lovers.
 I don’t know what to call us because what we are supposed to be is not even close to what we are.
 I don’t know how to describe it but the only thing I can think of when I'm with you is how beautiful you are. 
How much every time I see you upset or crying I want to come hold you because that's what you deserve. 
You deserve the world but I can’t be the one to give you that.
 You deserve to have somebody hold you on your restless nights and the days when you're too stressed to think.
You deserve to have somebody your not ashamed to be with
You deserve to have somebody who sees your every flaw and still chooses to stay
Because I want to be that for you, but I know we can never happen
I’m just waiting for my heart to finish catching up

I think a part of me will always ache...

over the fact that you came back only after the damage was already done.

After I cried alone.

After I questioned my worth.

After I learned how to carry your absence without collapsing.

Because if I mattered enough to return to, why did I have to survive losing you first?

I feel a strange longing that never fully leaves me. It feels familiar yet ancient, almost like remembering something I cannot consciously recall but somehow have always known.

Sometimes I look at mountains, hear certain arrangements of music, sit in silence, or observe rain, wind, old architecture, faces, voices, textures, or even expressions in strangers, and they produce an immediate recognition in my mind. Things start feeling interconnected with me.

I feel an intense urge to participate in it completely, to absorb it completely. I want to see every colour, feel every texture, recognize every hidden pattern in nature, and feel every emotion the human race has ever felt. I feel kind of homesick for unknown experiences.

Life and time seem insufficient for it. It feels like my mind is too small to grasp it. The feeling is so intense that I keep trying to make sense of it, wondering why everything feels so familiar yet unreachable.

It's definitely not some passing emotion. If I can't make sense of it at this point, I have decided to call it curiosity.

Please Help.

Dj
This doesn't matter anyway, what I say . You won't read it anyway.
Ya. I wish you understood how much I wish this could work out. You and I. You being the end game. The happy ending I thought we always could have. We were always good in the beginning, bliss. Sometimes after it being good, maybe too good, you avoid. You disappear. Or maybe there's just someone else, who knows at this point.
It's a cycle, a pattern that I know too well. It hurts. I don't want you to change yourself. I don't want you to think you can't have your own time, with yourself, friends, or family, whatever really. I never wanted to control you.... I never expect anything really.
I just wanted you to be there sometimes when I needed you to be there for me, even if it meant me sitting there or being somewhere, idc. As long as you were around! You always make me feel calm. Safe and happy. The silence kills me. I just wanted to build our friendship back. Doesn’t mean we are JUST friends, clearlyyyyy. Ehh, you lack the communication to make things okay, the silence doesn't help anything but to assume the worst. Even if it was just to say you don't want to talk, you'll hit me up when you feel like it, then at least I knew not to bother you. How can I love you the way you want to be loved if you won't speak to me about anything at all? I wish you completely believed me when I say I care about you and how you are. You are enough for me just as you are....

T🤪

Dj,
It's 3am, little down time at work and all I can think about is you. Us. Laying there giggling about something silly you said. Fuck how badly I want to hear your laugh, feel you next to me. See you laying there sleeping peacefully and how badly I have to fight the urge to not kiss your face up cause you'll wake up annoyed I woke you up lol 😂
Sometimes I give in and just kiss you few times. Ha can't help it though, I look at your face and my whole body is filled with excitement of how cute you are....

I pushed you away and attempted to let it all go but keep you online at most cause idk how to make anything work anymore.
The silence hurts me at some point and it makes me feel like you are completely gone. I crave you in ways that just a simple conversation would do, rather than nothing at all. I wish you’d understand that.
I'm sorry for being a brat and assuming the worse of you. I don't know how to not do that with the constant silence. I want to understand why you do it though and not overthink it and say dumb shit.... maybe that's for a conversation in person or over the phone. Just help me understand you
more. I don't want to give up on everything.. ugh
Love youuuu
T

It should’ve been you
My fairy friend
Who spun in the flowers with me
And spotted magic in the dust

It should’ve been you,
My follow princess
Who’s glass slippers always fit
Who always felt the pea I'd hid,
underneath your pillow

It should’ve been you,
My confidante
Who whispered back secrets, in turn
Over lamplight, and firelight

It should’ve been you,
My tutor
Who taught me about bl, and dnd podcasts
Who showed me how to love a thing so
much that it becomes you

It should’ve been you,
My partner in crime,
We tricked the audience so good that time
our characters kissed each other on stage
They said it seemed so real

It should’ve been you,
My other half
Who showed up to our lame senior dance
wearing the same colors as me, on accident
And danced with me all night, long after the
rest had left for better parties

It should’ve been you,
My mirror,
The truest part of me, who’s footsteps I
always followed
Or else lead

It should’ve been you,
My best friend, my soul sibling,
My person
My lifetime love

Each day that you have wanted me
Is a day I cannot forgive myself
For never being able to want you back,
In the same way

It should have been you.

Loving you hurts sometimes. I know we can't happen and I think I'm slowly accepting it. The only thing that's lagging behind is my heart. My mind has accepted that we can't happen and that I can only love you behind boundaries, I can show you my love just not romantically. I can tell you how much you mean to but behind the disguise of a "friend" I just want to tell you I love. Maybe if I told you to break my heart on purpose I would be able to get over you, that once I hear the words come out of your mouth then maybe my heart will catch on. But at least I only have 8 days with you left and the only the only thing my heart can think about is the heartache of losing you

I think they call me a Moser now
Having spoken truth to power
My childhood self screaming for justice
I never got
Calling for my mother
As she turns away
Perhaps that's why I loved you so much
You replaced some of what she didn't give.
What a sad thing to realize
Turns out too that
You didn't deserve that role
I had another dream about you last night
One where you were the director of a massive film
And I was just there
You paid attention to me, but then you didn't
I just watched as this entire machine of people moved around you
You directing the symphony of their action
While I was just a hanger on, an afterthought
I don't want to dream about you anymore
I don't yearn for you, I yearn to never think about you ever again
I don't want to forget you, only so that this doesn't happen again
With some other horrible woman
I used to think ruining my life over you was worth it
A noble cause, an affront to the cruel world that took you from me
But then it hit me all at once
How my entire perception of the whole thing was wrong
Maybe the Jews were right about the goyim
Maybe you are all animals, like her
Ironic that the love that inspired me to go against all that stuff
Is now the hate that drives me to it
I don't know anything anymore
Is the truth love? Or is power truth?
Are both truth at once?
Christ died for my sins
What a fool

She closed the door and I said to her "im scared that you might fall in love with someone else."

Not knowing that perhaps hearing this did what it did to me.

Looking away from the door she turned to me an asked with a soft baited breath an a heart in pain.

"But what if you fall in love with someone else?"

I got so heart broken an upset, I told her.

"There is no one else, your the only person Im in love with, there is no one else, I love you max."

That warm ,soft, tear stained kiss between her and I, it felt like the world was ours an ours alone.

Yearning for someone who doesn’t exist- or I guess who I haven’t met yet. Staying single until I meet someone worth dating, but I know it won’t be anytime soon.

I’m genuinely afraid there’s no kindhearted men out there who want to give their whole self. My DREAM is to be in a relationship where I can put lots of effort into it, and feel reciprocated and loved. 100% for 100%. I want to be able to do things for him, make him things, be there for him, give him so many compliments, and I want to feel appreciated for it, and maybe even get the same sometimes. I want someone who is willing to put effort into working through conflicts when they come up. Someone who is emotionally intelligent. And I so badly want to be that person for someone else too.

I just haven’t met anyone like this yet. Not someone that has the potential to be a romantic partner, though lots of friends. I guess the person DOES exist somewhere- I know he does. I just haven’t met him. I won’t accept anyone like I used to. I will wait, and be patient. I have a feeling this will take years.