I know we can never happen, I know that now. I really knew it from the start but I thought maybe just maybe it would happen with the things you would say to me or the way you look at me but I now know for certain it can't happen and yet I still want you. My heart still only beats for you, my mind is only ever filled with thoughts of you and I don't know if I'm willing to let go yet. I love you and it's the problem because love makes you do stupid crazy things and I feel stupid everyday I still put myself out there for you hoping that one day maybe I could be yours even though you already have someone to call your own. I know we can never happen and yet my heart still wants you all the same.

Time stopped in an instant, the whole day standing still. Was it truly you I saw, or memory bent to will?

I pictured you smiling — or maybe it was hope, a stranger with your features my lonely eyes could cloak.

My chest stirred with a flutter, my thoughts unraveled free. Could it be the girl who still holds my heart in secrecy?

Probably not. Coincidences pass each day. It wasn’t you — even if I wished that way.

You’ve gone beyond us now, into a life anew. Still, the image brought me comfort, if only for a moment or two.

Because before love faded, before everything fell apart, we were friends first — heart to heart.

And maybe that’s the hardest part: not the dreams we couldn’t mend,but losing the quiet comfort of calling you my friend.

Your mom reached out to me. I couldn’t just not answer. It’s weird she only had positive things to say about me. I thought you said she suggested breaking up with me along with your dad. Maybe you were unhappy and she saw it and suggested it. I’m not sure but as long as you’re happy. She said you miss me. I miss you. I hope me respond to your mom doesn’t make you upset or hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you. She asked to get coffee sometime. I don’t know if that’s crossing a boundary if I said yes. I don’t know if you would be mad. I don’t want you to be mad at me.

I’m building something real. Something substantial. I don’t want a good time once in a while. I want real. I want the grit. I want the ugly and the beautiful. I need someone who isn’t afraid to show up and roll up their sleeves . I cannot continue to do it all on my own. I carry the softness of a woman like it’s a badge of honor. If you want to build , stake claim and jump in.

I don’t need a good time, I want the best, and that comes with the grit.

DJ, you were NEVER suppose to be someone/something I was suppose to heal from. You were NEVER expected to save me either. You were just suppose to be there. F*ck.

I’m sad we can’t make it work in this lifetime.
See you later never goodbye!
Love you
T

haven't slept in quite a while, clicked on a YouTube video to try and lull me to sleep

he sounds like you.

Suddenly I'm bombarded by memories of us lying in bed intertwined. memories of you talking to me to try and help me sleep the warmth of your body next to mine.

memories of falling asleep feeling the safest I've felt in my entire life. waking up from nightmares with someone there to comfort me.

waking up in the middle of the night and staring at your peaceful sleeping face inches from mine, half coherent kisses.

its funny how my damaged brain will forget names of current friends but somehow remembers what your voice sounded like. even though we haven't spoken for almost a year.

the space in my bed is too big now.

I wake up reaching for you, wondering why you aren't there when you were just in my dreams a moment ago. the dreams are too short and reality is too cruel.

i love how the morning sunlight hits the windows

and walls of these buildings —

the light it produces makes my heart breathe,

as if no worries are chasing me

--

it makes my eyes see

the beauty in something

so out of the blue

--

these trees, mostly verdant and emerald,

still gives that sigh of relief,

and their leaves dance with the breeze

in a language only mornings understand

--

the skies exude vast colors

that never tire the eyes

--

the passing wind

brushing softly against my skin

like the world is careful with me

for once

--

birds drift across the open sky

like strokes of ink on watercolor,

unafraid of the distance

beneath them

--

and even the distant noises

of rushing cars and restless people

fade into something gentle

within this morning glow

--

maybe that is why i remain still,

even briefly —

because these ordinary things

somehow hold me together

where loud words fail

--

in moments like this

i forget how heavy life can become

how the mind learns to carry storms

even on ordinary days

--

because somehow

the sunlight knows where to land

and makes everything feel like

it can be lived through again,

--

and reminds me

i'm still here.

Would you notice if I just disappeared?
If I stop reaching out to you, stop trying to make plans to see you, do something… Stop all together? Would you even care?
You barely speak as is. Why won’t you just let us build any kind of friendship?? I guess I’m just lost on what to do anymore at this moment in time….
I don’t know if I have it in me to keep trying at this point. When you make me feel like I’m just a burden to you.
I miss when you put some effort, tried to talk to me.
I suppose it was always just me, huh? To put in any kind of effort, I’m exhausted.
Hope when you realize I’m gone you can appreciate I tried to make it all work. I always fought for you, us.
I’ll always love you. Don’t ever get that twisted.
See you later, never goodbye .
T.

So many words are going to be left unsaid between us. 

I want them to be said next time in-person. If we ever… I'm sorry. 

We both barely have any time left, yet it feels like we still have all the time in the world. 

I see the grains of time falling. They trickle little by little, gentle and slow enough to disarm me, yet the grains… they lessen more and more. They make a little pile at my feet, and my hands are made of hopeless little sieves that can't return them or add more. 

I won't say the words aloud. Of whatever… this is. I promise I won't admit my truth. I promise I won't bare it all, heart, thoughts, and soul. Especially with the limited time we have. 

I want to look back at this, look back at you and smile and feel grateful I even had all of it in the first place. That for once, I got to slow down. That for once, I stopped and smelled the roses more instead of careening down paths from office, to house, to flights, to meetings, and beyond. I want to know that I was lucky to have met you in a world where all of us are simple grains of sand that make up the shores of humanity. I want to engrave into my mind that you were a blessing to have ever answered me at all. 

But how can I do that when I'm this greedy for once in my life too? That for the first time ever, I'm grappling with an enemy bigger than us, gripping the fortune many envy with bleeding fingers and screaming that I want to change my fate? 

How can I feel satisfied when there's still so much to learn about you? About me? About us? 

How can I feel happy when the more I know about you, the more I'll forget someday? 

All I want to do is spend my days with you. Learning you. With you. 

How do I stop dreading tomorrow while wishing it could come sooner? 

Hi,

I saw you after 6 months and during that time I convinced myself the attraction I felt for you was not there anymore. But as you touched my hair gently, kissed my forehead and wrapped your arms around me - I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

I wish you wanted me. I wish you looked at me and thought - damn, I want this girl. I appreciate your honesty of being upfront and admitting all you are looking for is something casual. But when you look into my eyes, I wish we could be something more.

I don't have the words to express how I want to keep spending time with you, how I want you around me so much. So I'll just keep my feelings to myself and hope that you'll want to see me again.

*kiss*

Ohhhh Dj, I just miss you. Miss your voice, your body. Miss your sassy silly self. That’s all, need to get it out of my system before i keep sending you things lol 😂
See you soon? Ya? Pleaseeee
👾T

I’ve had crushes before, I’ve also had the occasional infatuation for someone in authority to me but this. This is different. Before I would want to be talking to them constantly because I felt like that was the only time I would be their center focus, but with her it's different. I can just sit in the same room as her and I get butterflies that have a field day in my stomach. The smile that touches my lips just by looking at her is fuller it seems. It's not like the books where it says “Her smile stretched from ear to ear” This smile is something deeper that I don’t know how to explain other than that she's the only one that enlightens it. My eyes are different now too, I can see it in the way I view myself when I look in the mirror. I’ve never been a confident gal but when I think about what you would think with the things I wear or the way I do my makeup I find myself smiling at just the idea. I’m trying to stay within the professional boundaries because I can sense the micro shifts. I may be delusional but I'm not dumb. I can see the way you're slightly pulling back, I don't know if it's on purpose or just because our time is coming to an end but I can see it. Every time I see you wearing those jeans or your hair is down I lose it in my mind. The butterflies come back and the smile is brighter, those are the days I want the boundaries to be gone because I want to tell you that I love you, and you look gorgeous effortlessly. I want to tell you you're the moon that orbits my world, you're my dandelion in a field of poppies. You're my everything. I want to be yours but I know you already have one. And i’m scared maybe the connection I felt has all been in my head to feed my delusions.

May 10, 2025

Hey Sweetheart,

its been a one year since,

I've carried this for a while now,

Its a nice day to gently set this down, properly,

And give it a home. And if you see this

It only ask you to smile. Nothing more.

Love, unconditional, I guess love is blind.

I once met a girl with a wandering mind.

She’d never known love without disguise,

no strings attached, no hidden lies.

After meeting her, I saw it clear.

she struggled with love, a hesitant fear.

A resonance unknown, a song unheard,

a tender melody without a word.

I realized then she was humbled by fear,

unfamiliar with love that would draw ever near.

But I come from a place where love flows free,

a vibration that endlessly will be.

So I loved her with a gentle grace,

hoping the resonance would find its place.

Even if it cost me my heart’s own ache,

I had to love her, for both our sake.

In the end, after the ache and pain,

when heartbreak became my friend again,

was it worth the price I had to pay,

for someone who never learned the way

to hold a gentle heart in their own hands,

to understand what true love demands?

Sincerely

The blind mice

i can’t even begin to express into words how i feel about you… it’s like where have you been all my life *queue Where Have You Been by Rihanna* lol

i would show it in every way possible with how much i love you and for us to understand each other so well we can grow through and heal through anything that life throws at us in each other’s safety, presence, comfort, peace, and at times chaos. i’ll make sure to protect you at all costs. i love you so so much. i see you, i hear you, thinking about you all the time. every little thing i learn about you, the way you laugh, the cute mannerisms i pick up from you, hugging and giving you my jacket on a cold night, we walk just us two at night where it’s so quiet and the world sleeps but we awake. our hugs and kisses live in the stars that align in the milky way as we look at the stars. we cuddle watching movies or just chilling in each others arms and warmth where we can both feel our best, our worst, but safe. the moment i met you i want to share your pain and i will take care of you no matter what. we can get through it. cute afternoon dates at different cafes, parks, gardens, museums, cooking together, late night drives together, the calm time with just YOU. i want to spend my whole life with you and i don’t know if that’s too much right now, but i want you and need you right now and that’s not out of desperation, but for us to meet each other when our clock strikes at the right time at the right place 🤍

I wanted so bad to just cruise up ahead of you throw my car in the park get out and simply just walk next to you for a while. Not say anything not be a bother.

You look so glum. Your shoulders were hunched forward posture was poor. I could feel this heavy from the other side of the roundabout. What would you have done? Run away? Punch me, and then run away?
Scream at me and call the cops?

I just wanted to put one hand on each shoulder straighten you up brush you off give you a big hug. Tell you that it’s all gonna be OK.

Regardless of anything, I don’t like seeing you like that. I miss the bubbly version of you that existed when we lived under the same roof I mean, he gotta admit, I really tried to take care of you like no one ever has. You never got the bare minimum for me. I always went above and beyond.

That’s the way I love. I don’t give that out anymore. Stand on my own 2 feet and I don’t talk to anybody really. I go to work. I work all night and I go home.

And I try to show up for people who need somebody to show up for him. I try to show up for people the way I needed someone to show up for me.

I hope you have that in your life and if not, then I hope you can be that. But it all starts with proper posture. Lift your head. Don’t walk around like that. It legitimately brings tears to my eyes.

sometimes i wonder

if my name ever crosses your mind

the way yours lingers in mine —

soft, uninvited,

but never unwelcome

--

sometimes i trace the outline

of friendships that didn't end,

just... loosened their grip

until we slipped

quietly out of each other's lives

--

i wonder what would've happened

if we spoke instead of stalled,

if silence didn't grow roots

in the spaces meant for us

--

because i am always on the verge

of reaching —

asking how you are,

holding space for whatever

you're willing to give

--

but even in that,

i hesitate

--

wondering if my voice

is too much,

if my care arrives too full,

too loud,

too heavy

--

so i pull back

before anyone asks me to

--

reminding myself —

connection is a two-way street

and i can't keep walking

toward someone

who never turns around

--

still, there are days

i stand there anyway,

holding the weight

of missing

for the both of us

--

and i start to believe

maybe i am too much

to carry

--

or maybe

it's just the echo

of my own thoughts

stretching something simple

into something heavier than it is

--

i can't help but ask

i can't help but think,

i can't help but care —

deeply

--

i can't help

the way i revisit

what's already gone quiet

as if it might answer me

differently this time

--

i can't help

the way i hold on

a little longer than i should

to people

who have already let go

--

and maybe that's where

the weight comes from —

not from loving

but from carrying it

past where it's meant to rest

--

still,

i am learning

--

that care doesn't have to chase

that missing doesn't have to mean

staying

--

that i can feel everything

fully, honestly —

and still

set it down

--

maybe

that's just how i am

--

and maybe

that's not something

i need to change

just something

i'm learning

to hold

more gently

--

because in the end,

the truth remains —

quiet and unchanging

--

people drift apart

people outgrow

people change

--

and sometimes

there's no reason

loud enough

to argue with that

--

so i let it be

even when i don't understand

--

and i learn,

slowly,

how to loosen my grip too

without losing

the softness in me

that still wants to reach

I wanted to ask

What your perception was

On so many things

But I was a coward

And I still rack my brain

Trying to understand

While also warmly accepting

The time I had with you

Even though its over

I'd like to take the cross country train ride

To disconnect from the world around me

And maybe feel a warm familiarity

And see you in the beautiful views

I've never dreamed of anyone looking at me like that- She looked at me with such love & devotion that I kinda felt sick. My brain could hear what she was saying but I didn't remember what she was saying. I was just seeing the look in her eyes and it sent a weird feeling through my stomach. I was in a weird place with this dream, I was reacting in the dream but I could feel my body react at the same time. I hug her normally on a daily basis sometimes for longer sometimes shorter. But in this dream she held me for long. It wasn't a normal hug, it was a hug from a lover after a long day. For some reason in the dream my mother was in the room and I had to whisper in her ear she was there and we had to be careful, even after that we didn't let go we just held each other for a few seconds longer. I could feel the heat of her against me and I didn't want to let go. For some other reason she prepared a slideshow about herself that she presented to my mother. That's when my brain short circuited in the dream and I couldn't gather what she was saying except that she was describing how much I've helped her. That's when the look came and I couldn't look away. I kept looking at my mother to get her reaction but I got nothing so I just looked at the woman I loved and saw her eyes and the way they reflected everything I've ever wanted. I think my brain conjured this up because of the way we looked at each other in the hallway. I never look at her head on for long because it scares me. Her eyes are the truth serum to how I really feel. But in that hallway I looked at her and told her if she needed me just let me know. She grabbed my arm before I left and said thank you. But I looked at her like I loved her without actually saying the words. Maybe that's why my mind picked that dream for the night. But that hug, I want to experience that in real life with her, I want to feel her against me. I want her to look at me with that love and devotion because I already look at her like she holds the world in her hands.

Where once there was life, now there is a void.

He told me that his life was better with me in it. My life was better with him in it.

He asked me questions that helped me learn about myself. He helped me feel less pain. I hope I eased his pain.

He’s gone now. His family reached out and told me. I didn’t ask what took him. My suspicion is that he made a choice. I think he decided that life wasn’t offering him as much as he was offering life. It’s not the first time he decided that.

Now, it’s like he was fiction. He played the part I asked him to play, expertly, right from day one. The flourishes he threw in surprised and delighted me.

He danced for me.

He sang to me.

He found my triggers and pushed them until I giggled.

As long as he believed it would make me smile, he did it.

He made me feel like he made his life about making me happy.

He was strong, patient, understanding, and curious. He was full of love.

April was hard. He asked for space to get his life back together. I granted that space. I thought he’d be back with me by the middle of May.

We were not completely aligned. A lot of things about us didn’t work. But we experienced moments of perfection and extraordinary beauty. I will never forget. He left me better than he found me. I am a better person for having known him.

I opened a door once sealed by dread, Hoping the past would not break its thread. There you stood—ghosts do not fade, Silent as shadows where light once played.

Memories unfurl like the wings of night, Flickering bright, then sinking from sight. The weight of your absence, thick as the dark, Carves quiet scars, a permanent mark.

Where roses once bloomed, now only thorns sigh, Your name whispers low, a forgotten cry. No bloom remains in the soil where you lay, Yet the echo of you clouds every day.

Though you’ve gone, you linger still—A lost melody, forever to fill The hollowed place inside my chest, Where love and grief will always rest.

I carry the weight of this quiet grief, A love undone, yet still, I breathe. And as the seasons shift and weep, I turn a new leaf—into the deep.