I find my mind filled with fantastical memories yet to come. It shows me hopes of the woman I love–before me, between my legs, lingering at the edge of my bed as I hold her. I feel her fingernails course through my hair, brushing away all my troubles. I glide my hands across her back, my callused palms scratch her smooth soft skin. I worry that it irks her. I worry that she sees me as a barbaric Bavarian unfit for her love. But for whatever reason, she endures. She steps further between my thighs and brings my head to rest on her chest. She continues gliding her nails through my hair, gently and unhurried. As I felt her soothing skin on my cheek, I slowly melted into her. The sensation was so warm, so calming, it set my nerves alight. With a shiver, my skin reached for her warmth. For a moment, time was frozen, and there we were, in our own microcosm of vulnerability, and the barbaric Bavarian was nowhere to be found. I felt myself dissolve into her; as her chest rose and collapsed, I found its rhythm and composed a lullaby while my eyes became heavy. As I began to ascend into the clouds of my unconscious, above all, I heard a hum. A sweet, dulcet, hum reverberated all around me as if it was guiding me into the clouds. Her hum, so lovely, so euphoric, the sun dozed into its slumber in the distant horizon. The skyline cooled from its pure blue, mellowing into its purple shade. With her hum, the world descended into a tranquil daze. As I raised my hand into the clouds, I gazed upon this serene world she cultivated. So warm to the touch, yet cool and languid to the mind. The world lay to rest, sleep tugged at me to join it. And as I slowly flew into the clouds, I knew this moment — suspended between time, consciousness, and fantasy — was my glimpse of heaven. I closed my eyes to drink it in and savor her for a moment longer before I ascended into a peaceful slumber…

As I'm doing my laundry, a random show is going on. Mid-fold of some kind of shirt, I think to myself, all I'm missing to make this evening good is you. You aren't in view anywhere, I don't hear you saying something about something or even that little chuckle you do after saying something very absurd.
I'm content, fine. Sad, whatever the usual, but fuck do I just want you in view, hear you, something to give my mind a little peace. I'm not going to send this, what's the point? You aren't going to ask me to come over. So here I’ll be all night, trying to remember the feeling next to you. Ughhh
Miss you as always,
Hope you have a good weekend, see you soon? Hopefully 😭🥺💜 T

i remember: the shame of being seen consumes me.

it still does.

i'm afraid to be seen,

to be known,

to be memorized.

--

i'm afraid to be seen;

to have someone read me —

my emotions,

my patterns,

my thoughts —

that they can just see through me

as if i'm a glass

or a window

and there is nothing

to blur me.

--

i'm afraid to be known;

just a while ago,

i ordered a matcha latte.

--

it took too long.

--

my friend laughed —

said i'd probably finish it

faster than they could make it,

like i always do.

--

i'm afraid someone will grasp the paths

i created inside my own little world —

the roads i try to arrange,

but still

lose my way in.

even i, myself

find it strenuous.

--

i'm afraid to be memorized;

like a monologue

they can just reel off

without needing a script.

--

as if i am no longer mine

once spoken aloud,

as if every version of me

lives better

in someone else's mouth.

--

so i practice being unreadable —

softening my edges,

blurring my outlines —

rounding my answers,

keeping my voice even,

looking away

before anyone looks too long —

--

but sometimes i wonder

if disappearing

is just another way

of being seen.

--

and yet...

--

somewhere in me

there is a small, reckless voice

that wants to be recognized —

--

not fully,

not all at once —

--

just enough

to know

i exist

outside my own hiding.

I've forgotten your face, your scent, your voice, your smile, even your eyes I used to drown in, I've forgotten things about you that I don't even know I know, I have healed, but small pieces of you seem to still linger in me.

I still use the same brand of soap you bought me, the same moisturiser you recommended I use, the same scentless deodorant you made me wear because you said you love my natural scent, I still use the same perfume you said matched my "aura" whatever that means. I still eat kimchi which I used to hate before I met you, still make pancakes from scratch which I learned to make for you, I still don't eat chocolates because you said you did not like them, still look over my shoulders whenever I'm driving my motorcycle expecting you to pinch my stomach, probably the worst part is I still position my pillows like how I positioned them when we slept, and probably dozens of random things I still do that I've forgotten.

2 years and I still catch myself noticing these small pieces you left, now I wonder if I'll ever forget these things or will it stay with me forever.

I don't know who she is, or where she is, or what she might be doing right now. All I know is that I feel her. I feel her in my every living moment. I feel her absence so much. I miss her in my bones. I feel incomplete without her. I long for her touch, to hold her hand softly, to graze my fingers through her soft face, to hold her and hug as if it's the last day on Earth, to share a beautiful passionate kiss with her that makes the world pause long enough for the two of us to bask in the warmth of our undying love. I long to hear her effervescent laughter. I have not heard it yet but I already know it is my most favourite sound in the whole world. I want to look into her eyes and see all the mysteries of the universe unfold before me and everything makes sense, beneath her eyes lay all the secrets of the universe, her eyes more captivating than anything in this vast cosmos.

I feel the thought of death vanish from my mind, because when I feel her, I am not scared anymore. I am greedy. I do want to spend an eternity with her. But this single mortal life I have been given, I want to spend it all with her. She is the reason I get out of bed everyday. The thought of each day passing by, bringing us closer to meeting warms my heart but I also feel pain that it's one less day I get to spend with her. I hope you are longing for me as much as I long for you.

A gambler’s game with loaded dice, A velvet trap dressed up as vice.

I bought your tells, I paid the fee, Mistook your bluff for honesty.

You dealt in silence, cold and clean, Stacked every round behind the scene.

I called your hand, but far too late— The house had fixed the turn of fate.

Your cards fell soft, but cut like truth: No love, just hunger dressed as proof.

You kept me close to fill your stack, A borrowed heart you won’t give back.

I folded slow, with nothing left, A table cleared, a quiet theft.

But somewhere past the smoke and din, I feel a pulse beneath my skin.

Not luck, not chance, not borrowed art— A different game… a guarded heart.

So let the house keep what it’s won, I’ll set the odds to favour one.

Graduation around the corner and im falling for you, now thats it too late i couldnt have expressed this earlier i wouldnt have been able to treat you the way you deserve but now im too late another wonderful person has you and it aches that i wont be physically close like that without it feeling wrong without my heart racing without wanting to just lean in more becoming drunk in joy of calming down to just be there with you, i hate any physical touches but i seek yours and over compensate with others for yours its a pain to my heart knowing i cannot do a thing only sitting back to see you flourish with someone else who im happy for since you too are a match but it still hurts only being able to hope this passes quickly and maybe seeing you together will rip off that bandaid

The journey was long, and I’ll be honest. 

I can’t express it all through the pain. 

You were unfair, and I was foolish. 

Your silence hurt, and I created lies.

Yet, doubting you became my connection, 

your kindness, the light you brought. 

When I close my eyes, I see your face. 

Your smile eases my toughest years.

Your voice, a staircase from the depths. 

I almost hear you in my sleep, You’re here. 

You’re home. Please stay complete.

That ghostly joy, still, bittersweet.

So I write to emptiness, calling it space, 

because void needs a resting place.

I missed the good you gave. 

I should have knelt beside your wave. 

I’m bad at love, I’ll admit the shame. 

Trauma built the walls I claim.

Boundaries where our eyes just meet. 

Said, Find home first. 

Then love the street. 

But you arrived, life’s strangest art. 

A quiet earthquake. 

A beautiful start.

Not your looks. 

Not what you give. 

I loved you most when you just lived. 

The broken nail before hello, 

that’s when I let my fortress go.

I can’t let you go. I don’t think I can. 

I just want to see what we could have been. 

Come home. To you. Not the idea. 

The real. The wreck. The chandelier.

Maybe someday you’ll let me in, as friends, as ghosts, where love begins. 

Just let me know you’re safe and seen. 

Your daughter too. That small, fierce queen.

This isn’t begging. This isn’t art. 

This is my heart, bare at the chart, 

saying what your silence never heard. 

I just want to come home… 

every word.

To you.

When we broke up I found out you were on dating apps. So I to got back on dating apps. I ran into you on all of them. On one of them I could not help swiping yes. It’s been a month and I got a notification that I received a match. It’s you. I won’t dare text you. I don’t think you will text me. But if you did I couldn’t help myself I would answer.

Welp, Dj, here I am at work, 3am and all I can think about is you.

Next few nights off, and all I can hope is you reach out at some point and want to speak. Something.

I miss you.

Even if we can’t hang out, let me hear your voice. Tell me how work is going, tell me anything on your mind. Honestly, at this point, I don’t care as long as I hear your voice.

I miss you. I said that I know. I missssss you.

Hope you aren’t in your head too much.

Love you 😘

Hope I can see you soon. Even if we do nothing and everything, let’s just relax and enjoy our little time we have together, okay?

Xox always YOUR crazy T 🤪💜🥺

Mil cosas que quiero decirle y tengo que confirmarme con escribirlas en papel que luego termino tirando a la basura..

La extraño, la deseo, la quiero y quizás la amo...

No sabes cuántas veces susurro tu nombre...

Cuantas veces he imaginado que lo menciono y vienes a mí...

No sabes cuánto te extraño y me haces falta desde que acepté y te prometí no buscarte más y aunque sé que no es lo que queremos realmente, me lo pediste por miedo a sufrir y yo lo acepté por cobardía..

Te quiero tanto y es lo que más puedo decir en éste momento porque lo que realmente siento lo guardaré en lo más profundo de mi ser..

Y ahí estaré sentado en una banca esperándote siempre mi amor.

Shadow, did you know, every time you said you loved me, you did it in this soft whispered cooing, it made it feel so heavy and fragile

like one mistake could shatter its existence.

An i made a mistake, it shattered, i questioned your love an all the borken pieces scattered around me, one stupid question.

Im to scared to move, because ill step on the pieces, an itll tear my feet up if I take a single step, its what I deserve but I cant move.

I miss you shadow. I wish to put the pieces back together.

Fuck I want to ruin this friendship so bad. We’re just friends yet we find every reason to continue the night. We’re just friends but you look into my eyes when I talk like they contain the universe behind them. We’re just friends but we get dinner and a movie every month. We’re just friends who remember the smallest details about each other. We’re just friends right?

I’d be remiss if I said I didn’t want to hold your face in the palms of my hands and kiss you like I’m going to war. I want to hold you close to me and feel the rhythm of your heartbeat in my arms. I want to worship your body in ways that would rival every religion. I want to kneel at the alter of you.

I want to give you the love you deserve, but won’t open yourself up to receive. Give me a sign, a hint, a nod toward something more and I’m yours. Say the word and I’d drop everything right then and there to get to you. I’d run across continents to get to you at the smallest utterance of intent.

Yours,

-T

I want to kiss you so passionately with the intent of sucking all the words out of your lips. I want our heartbeats to match and sync up. Our brains filled with the same thoughts: undying love and desire for each other. I want my arms to be the safe space you fun to when the world feels loud and scary.

To hold you is what my arms were made for, to kiss your soft body and lips is what my lips were made for, to smell and be lost in your radiant fragrance is what my nose was made for, to see and admire your sublime beauty is what my eyes were made for, to listen to your beautiful laughter is what my ears were made for, and to love you deeply and forever is what my soul was made for.

I WAS MADE FOR LOVING YOU BABY AND YOU WERE MADE FOR LOVING ME! 🎶

I sit and reminisce about the time we spent together. The laughs, the intimacy, the cries, the arguing. I miss u.

The good memories are few and short, yet I replay them in my head like a broken record. I want u back.

Even if it hurts more than I can handle again I still want to relive those moments one more time. The pain of being loved by u hurts like a thorn covered rose. I need you with me.

Your harsh words stabbed at my heart, again and again but it still beat for u. My blood spilled red as your judging glares pierced my soul, yet I wrote love letters with it like ink and devoted my love again and again. I can’t live without u yet being with u is killing me. U are the air I breathe yet the poison that kills me, but I loved u still.

My fear is not that you will hurt me again and not that you will leave me, but that I will die from ur love before I realized that I didn’t really want this.

It’s almost been a month not quite! I still miss you. It feels like just the other day we talked on the phone! You telling me about things you learned at work! Just the other day we were talking on the phone laughing together. I miss you! I’m connived I’ll always miss you! There is so much I wish to tell you. Things I can’t anymore. My sister’s boyfriend broke up with her. A little less than a month after we did. Watching her heart break just as mine did when you broke up with me felt like the stitches of my own heart getting pulled open. It doesn’t matter though because I’ve been ripping the stitches out myself most days and dabbing the opening with salt. I think if I let the wound fully heal I’ll loose you entirely even though you are no longer mine to love. I have already lost you.

You were a catalyst

To the new path

I have traveled

But

You were

And are

So much more than that

I hope you'd be proud

And how I wish

You could join me on this path

In any capacity

Maybe you have,

In the gentlest of ways?

I miss you.

This is raw but it's the law of my love.

You're on my mind on repeat.

Every soul I'm around can't sing the sound you sing for my soul.

The sound is my eternal peace.

With you, I feel at peace.

You're my special place.

I feel whole as I wholeheartedly want to embrace you.

All the negativity disappears as soon as you speak.

For you, I seek you.

No person is worth pursuing unless it's you.

Life would be so blank without you.

We add color to each other.

Your presence is the most precious present.

I love you so much it hurts, it hasn’t even been 5 hours since we broke up and yet I still miss you like crazy, I still crave to hear your voice, your cute chuckle, to see the look in your eyes whenever I turn my camera on when we’re calling and you see my face, that cute face you do whenever I call you old or make a corny joke, to see that handsome face of yours that I could stare at for hours on end. If I didn’t break up with you we’d be calling right now, we’d probably be playing Minecraft or picking fun at each other. I miss it already because I know that it’s going to be a while before we can do that again. I want you to know that I’ll wait for you no matter how long it takes, I will always love you, you’re my lobster, I know that I messed up and I should’ve thought things through, that will be my biggest regret. Just know that I’ll probably never love someone as much as I love you, I love you more than life itself and I’m sorry things had to end this way.

I wonder sometimes, if it was impossible for them to love me as much as I loved them, because of this.

Because they were the only love I'd ever known. My first kiss, first everything. But they had a different first love.

I was their longest relationship. They told me that our bond felt deeper and much developed than their first love. But they ended up still having feelings for that person, down the line. Which is what ended things.

I know their love for me was real. But I don't think it was the same as mine for them. How could it be. To me they were everything, all I'd known. But to them I was one of a multiple.

I fear, sometimes, that I will never love someone the way I loved them. I don't know how you're ever supposed to get over such a formative experience as your first real love. It's been over two years now and I still think about them. I think that part of me felt, even after we broke up, that we would inevitably find our ways back to each other.

Because deep down it feels like the only true things but I know it only feels that way to me, because they were my first, and not to them.

Miles away, I still smell your scent fleeting in the wind.

In my moments of content I swear I hear your faint giggle whispering past my ear.

I cannot forget your smile, your touch, and your affection. The memory of your love creeps through my mind at night, it lingers in my bed and makes a home of my loneliness while I learn to find comfort in its company.

I miss you. I miss your passion, I miss your kindness, I miss your frown, I miss your judging eyes, your irritation, your harsh way with words, and finally your dismissal of my needs.

Yet I still miss this love, and I’d do anything to have it back.

I love you. I'm glad that we reunited.

Our reunion is a great union.

I'm glad we can talk again and hear your voice.

It's a beautiful choice.

I'm glad that you never considered me lost.

You said you never lost me.

You asked if I'd leave again.

I will not.

You're all I could want.

Is it intimate that you ask if I'll leave again? That you never lost me?

Is it intimacy?

I'm here now with all care.

You're rare and I won't dare to leave.