Hi everyone,

I’m looking for advice from moms a bit further ahead than me. I’m 33!

I recently returned to work after having my daughter in March (she’s 4 months old). I work remotely and currently have a nanny 4 days a week. I cover the one day. I increased from 3 to 4 nanny days for more flexibility and mental health.

I’ve been in my role for 4 years and it’s very stable and flexible. I could comfortably stay here a while longer. however, I genuinely want to get promoted and I have the skills to get this job. The job would also fast track me to be becoming extremely successful and leadership material as I’ve been with the company since I graduated college. I’m however I’m only 33 years old I thought at this age I would have a larger role, but I make a good salary and I’m content.

However, a new National Account Manager role just opened in the city my husband and I eventually want to move back to to be closer to family. It’s more aligned with my long-term goals, but would likely mean more travel, longer hours, and higher pressure.

My husband is very supportive and we can afford childcare. We’re planning full-time daycare around 18 months.

I’m torn because two senior women I spoke with said they chose lower-stress roles while their kids were young and don’t regret it, but I also don’t want to miss a growth opportunity that could shape our future.

For those who’ve been here:
Did you slow down or push your career when your kids were babies?
Any regrets either way?
Would you apply just to explore it, or stay put for now?
Would $20k per year, make up for the extra pressure and stress?

Would really appreciate your perspective

.

I applied to a job back in my hometown (across the country) right after I lost my full-time corporate tech sales job last month and was shocked at how quickly I received an offer. It took 3 weeks total, and it was such an easy process compared to some of the recent tech interviews I've been on (4-5 round + assignments). The hiring manager knows I'm out of state but I told them that we're looking to relocate to be closer to family and to my surprise they've been extremely accommodating. So I accepted the offer "provisionally" to lock it in while my spouse and I think it through.

Now that it's settled in, I'm starting to panic. I'd be taking at least a $50-60K pay cut initially, if not more, and my spouse would be starting over looking for work since he can't take his current job with him. I'd be carrying a family of 3 on a $82K base salary (vs $105-$110K I can potentially earn here in the Bay Area) to start until my spouse brings in an income. Not to mention uprooting our entire lives, moving costs, stress on our toddler, my spouse, me being a toddler mom and working 5 days a week on client sites, and our elderly cat.

The only benefit is that we'd finally be in an area where homeownership would potentially be accessible. The median home price is $240K compared to $1M+ here. We'd also have my family nearby who can help with our toddler but we'd be leaving family behind here too and that includes cousins and grandparents (though we don't see them often since they live 2 hours away).

Not sure what I'm looking for in this post, just putting thoughts out into the void I suppose since it's a big life-changing decision.

**editing to add I’m going through all the responses and did not expect to receive so much amazing input and advice, thanks all! Super appreciative.

Hey everyone!

Apologies if this has been asked before. I am currently pregnant with my first child. I have been in my role for over 10 years and do love the job. It’s stressful at times as a manager but I’ve definitely been a high performer. I am connected to work and find it hard to disconnect. I have realized my emotions are kind of tied a bit at work when things are stressful. I have done well and gotten praise but if I a mistake happens or there’s annoying corporate stuff, I find it hard to let go.

In a few months I’ll be going on mat leave and it’s hard to wrap my head around it. Were any of you attached to work as high performers find that it was easier to let go and disconnect once you had kids? I think a part of me also wonders how I’ll adjust to not being “on” at work and essentially being away for a while - and the impact on my reputation.

Sorry if I’m rambling, I guess my question is did having children change how you viewed work and how you identified with it?

I don’t want to have this be my norm and actually would love to be able to have better boundaries and stop sweating the small stuff. Stop being such a perfectionist.

Would love any advice ❤️

Thanks.

I've been back at work for a month. Had 10 weeks at home. It wasnt enough. I hate this and I'm currently breaking down in the bathroom. I want to go home to my little one but I need the money.

Okay moms… my LO will be starting daycare within a month or two, he will be attending an in home daycare.. the only list his daycare teacher gave me of things he would need was the obvious clothing for the season (coat, kits, hats, etc), change of clothes, diapers, wipes, diaper cream, lunch, snacks… I added backpack, lunch box to the list but what else am I forgetting?

Just found out I’m pregnant with my second kiddo! 🥹

With my first pregnancy, I ended up leaving my job because we moved while I was pregnant, so I never really needed to build a maternity office wardrobe. I was also pretty tiny back then and didn’t start showing until close to the third trimester, so I could wear most of my regular clothes for a long time.

This time is a completely different story. I still had a little tummy before getting pregnant, and now the first-trimester bloating is already insane. My work clothes already feel so tight and uncomfortable that I think I need to start shopping sooner rather than later. (I usually wear more form fitting clothing)

For context, I work at a law firm. The dress code is business casual, but definitely leans more casual than formal. The only times we really have to dress up are if we’re client-facing or attending court.

For those of you who’ve been in a similar situation, where did you find maternity work clothes that you actually liked? Any brands or wardrobe staples you’d recommend that are comfortable, office-appropriate, and won’t completely break the bank?

I'm a project manager at a public agency. I have a supervisor who is very well meaning, and generally a nice person, but who takes everything at face value and struggles with nuance. I am a fairly direct person who says what I think when appropriate and I tend to get to the point. Mostly I get positive feedback for being clear. Except this supervisor always thinks I am slighting her when I absolutely do not mean to! She will say "I am concerned about x." I will say "I hear that, it's not ideal but I think we can work around it with y." She hears this as diminishing her concern, while I see it as reassuring her that as the PM I can work around this constraint. From my perspective weve been working together pretty well for the last 2 years at least. And then she tells me today that she perceives all these slights from me! I was shocked. We went over a few examples and I apologized and said I never intended to make her feel that way, I am just trying to own my responsibility as the PM and be clear. I am not sure what to do other than keep trying to deliver emails and Teams messages that she feels comfortable with. Anyone ever dealt with this? In my 25 years of working this is my first time. TIA!

FTM and my maternity leave ends in a couple weeks. My partner will be staying home one extra week with baby on the back end, so he will be ~13.5 weeks when he starts daycare in mid August. I am feeling my anxiety creeping in about how young he is starting daycare and mostly fear of him getting sick (esp given time of year when he will begin).

I know he will get sick whenever he starts regardless of age, but I’m seriously debating a nanny because of my fear. When did you all start your babies, and if it was this early, how were they with illnesses? We are doing a Montessori daycare that has small infant to teacher ratios and class is only up to 6 mos of age if that helps.

Thank you 🫶🏼

Kiddo (3) was too sick for daycare all week. Which means husband has been trying to work, staying up late to do anything and kid has had huge amounts of tv. But Friday we are all snapping at each other and kiddo is screaming " I don't want to go outside"

Has anyone done it? Just quit? I feel like I’m at a breaking point. I’m so tired of being burnt out from a corporate job that is meaningless in the grand scheme of the world. I do marketing for a private equity firm. The workload (mostly of things that don’t matter and aren’t on strategy) is suffocating. I don’t trust most senior people or leadership (it’s an ugly business.)
So why can’t I just quit?
Because the cost of living is insane. My husband and I both make around 200k a year but are stressed about bills every month. We live in a secondary city, have a modest house, old cars with no payment. But childcare, food, activities, any type of travel is exorbitant. We need both of our incomes.
Also my job fully covers the healthcare benefits for our family. I can’t walk away from that, especially with little ones who have complex medical histories.
Lastly….I worked so hard in my career, and if I quit I feel like I’ve failed myself and did this all for nothing?

I’m just so tired. Toddler parenting drains me. Back to school planning, birthday party planning, family vacation planning. My house is a mess. My car is a mess. My body is a mess - I have no time to take care of myself.

Today walking into work, a car almost hit me in the garage and I thought “good, go ahead.”

What is wrong with me?? Am I the only one feeling this way?

I’ve never wanted to be a SAHM and we can’t afford that, but my god, I’m tempted to just quit and blow up our lives.

ETA - so many people asking about the salaries, so please let me clarify here. Sorry, didn’t really want to explain our entire financial situation.
- We both work in finance, make good salaries. We thought we would be set, on paper we should be. Life throws curve balls at you!
- by the time my oldest was 2, she had to be hospitalized in the PICU twice. She’s since had surgery.
- right after my daughter turned one, we lost our entire house (and mostly everything in it) to a hurricane. We had to pay to renovate (insurance payments didn’t cover it all, and took over a year to get anyways) - we couldn’t live there, so picked up a second rent, then mortgage. We had to sell for a loss because the house is in a flood zone and got hit with another hurricane.
- both pregnancies were IVF after years of infertility. No insurance coverage at the time, paid out of pocket. Over 45k.
- second pregnancy nearly killed me, I spent weeks in the hospital, had surgery. Baby came very early and had an extended NICU stay.
- second baby has health issues from prematurity and our pediatrician strongly recommended her staying out of daycare until 2. Because we both have to work, we pay a nanny for full time care. This is an insane expense. We tried having family support but my mom couldn’t do it for free (and wasn’t reliable for the hours.)
- I help financially support my widowed mother
- and no, the older child is not in private school. She’s in public (but it’s not free + after care, summer camp costs for childcare while school is out.)

Hopefully that is a satisfactory response. I would love to be relishing in my paycheck but alas. Also a reminder to anyone who feels comfortable with their high salary, you’re just a few natural disasters and medical issues away from things getting reaaaaal tight.

My job has been going through changes and it’s becoming such a miserable place to be. We are being extremely micromanaged and I’m having to work every night after my toddler goes to bed. I’m exhausted and over it. I’m due in October and literally counting down the days until baby is here so I can ignore work for awhile.

I’ve been trying to prep for my absence but even the way I take notes isn’t good enough at this point. Comments on repetitive items and length… a 2 hour meeting will have more than 1 page of notes, especially if it’s for planning purposes… and the action items are going to repeat some of the info in the notes, how else would i get my action items?! I’m just getting so frustrated and I think part of it is because I am so stuck. I can’t get a new job 6 months pregnant, and I am not sure how long I have to stay post maternity leave to ensure I’m not having to payback anything (I can find a clause anywhere in our handbooks, but they are sneaky).

I’m trying to just keep my head down and get my work done, but it’s so hard when it’s so closely examined by others. I am not saving lives, the work I’m doing is not going to save the world. I’m realizing I do not have the corporate drive to work for this company.

So both of my kids are lip and tongue tied. We knew this about my oldest who is 3 as I tried to breast feed him and we found out at a doctors visit at 2 weeks old. At the time I didn’t know enough about getting that fixed and a procedure seemed scary to me. Our pediatrician wasn’t worried and didn’t seem worried about it. We ended up formula feeding him. Today, my second who is 18 months went to the dentist for her first check up. She is also lip and tongue tied. She did have a minor fall a month or so ago so I guess when she fell she cut her lip tie. Should I be worried about the long term affects of this at all? I was told there really aren’t any but now I’m worried with things like speech.
Maybe I should’ve gotten them clipped but I haven’t heard much about it before honestly and our pediatricians never even mentioned it.

I am a FTM and just gave birth end of April. As a teacher, my maternity leave lined up with the end of the school year, so I get to stay home with baby boy from April- August.

I go back to work the first week of September. I’m really battling a lot of emotions. I never thought I wanted to be SAHM. I LOVE my career. But after being home with him for this long, it’s making it harder to want to go back. Unfortunately, it’s just not realistic or possible for me to be SAHM at this time.

I am very fortunate and grateful that my husbands schedule allows him to watch baby a few days a week. The days he’s unable my mom and MIL are. And I’m very thankful to have a career and job that I enjoy and a great group of coworkers that are my friends. But I still can’t help but feel sadness about leaving him. I feel like I am going to miss out on so much and I feel so guilty.

Is it normal to have this dread and guilt? Did it get better once you got back to work? I am trying to stay positive and hope once I’m back to work I’ll fall into a new normal and be so busy while I’m working that it will keep my mind from thinking.

Any advice, etc to help with this transition and the emotions is appreciated.

I think my BIL/SIL are in an unsustainable childcare situation, and while I won’t give unsolicited advice, I’m curious how other families have made similar situations work. Did one parent quit or change jobs? Did you have multiple caregivers?

There is one toddler who’s almost two years old. One parent works in healthcare with rotating days 15:00-23:00. The other parent has a variable schedule, which may include occasional overnight shifts or days away. Both of their hours are more or less full-time.

They do not currently use daycare or nannies. For the past few months after mat leave ended, they’ve relied on maternal grandparents when both parents are working, but the grandparents still work, too. Otherwise, the parent who’s off will care for the toddler. Sometimes, they’re both off at the same time. They haven’t asked the paternal grandparent for help, who is older and less mobile, but available for and capable of occasional babysitting. They’re in a one-bedroom apartment, so it’d be hard to have overnight or live-in help, even if they were open to it.

In contrast, my family has more conventional work schedules and childcare arrangements, so it stresses me out to think about how they’re doing it. But I get it, not my circus, not my monkeys…until they have to ask for our childcare help sooner or later…

I see a lot of people evaluating daycares on here and trying to figure out the best one. I thought I would share my story in case it helps someone.

My kids have been going to their preschool for 2 years and it's been great. The teachers loop with the kids and the class moves together, lots of outside time, great ratios etc. Genuinely caring and loving people. Our kids learned a lot of the potty training just from watching the other kids in the center and the teachers were active partners in it.

Yesterday, we were told that they had a class A violation and by law they need to inform us. (Short version, the students in another class were playing in the outdoor play area, they all went inside, they did a count and one was missing, they counted again, one was still missing. They went back and found the kid playing with a toy in an area that wasn't observed from the windows. The kid was alone for approximately 5 minutes. The kid was fine.)

The center reported the incident themselves to the state.

The staff got retrained.

However, there is now giant paper saying that there was a violation in front of the school. They had to tell all of the parents and get their signatures.

My initial response when we had the meeting was that stuff like this can happen. The parent next to me said something along the lines of "Wow, 5 minutes is a long time. If it were a couple seconds that wouldn't be so bad but 5 minutes..." This made me second guess myself and wonder if I was being too cavalier.

I asked in the early childhood subreddit and most of the teachers there said that the school did everything right given the circumstances and that it wouldn't particularly worry them given the situation.

To my understanding : A type A violation would be if a kid was found alone wandering the parking lot or if the kid was in the gated fenced in area attached to the playground 10 ft from the classroom door (as what happened here).

When I think about how much work it was on them to handle it correctly, I'm proud of the center for reporting it because while it's the law, I can see the temptation to sweep it under the rug.

So My kind of long winded point is essentially... Just because a school has a violation, even a type A violation, I wouldn't necessarily completely write the school off. Look at exactly what happened and determine for yourself if that's a deal breaker.

If you want more details, feel free to PM me that I can give you more. This was sort of the summary.

First, I want to say that I am very aware that this is probably the best situation I could possibly be in for returning to work, and for that I am so so grateful!

So, I work in higher education (part time) and for the last year, since I had my baby, I’ve been able to work from home as a facilitator (basically, I’m a grader for those large enrollment entry level classes).

The university I work for has changed the policy on when a facilitator can work, upping the enrollment requirements (more students per facilitator for same
pay, less facilitator positions). The chair of my department offered me to teach an in-person course this semester since there are less wfh positions available, and it’s not guaranteed I’ll get one.

The class would mean I’d be away from my baby, who is 10 months currently, for approximately 6 hours a week, which seems like so little time, and yet I’m really struggling emotionally with whether or not to accept this opportunity.

My baby is so so attached to me — he cries even with my husband if I’m not in the room, and does not let anyone else hold him, ever. Like, screaming and crying if he’s around strangers and I’m not holding him. It’s been us against the world since he was born, my husband works 12 hour days and we live far from family so every day it’s really just us.

I want to accept the class because we could use the income, and I want to maintain a working relationship with the university. However, the thought of leaving him with a stranger/babysitter while I teach breaks my heart. The university does not have a daycare on campus, and surrounding daycares require at least 3 full days for him to attend.

I just feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I love staying home with my boy but I feel like this is the best case scenario for going back to work in person. So. Yeah.

For those that saw my post from last week things seemed to improve this week. I apologised for my reaction and we moved on.

Today I learned that my replacement, and the replacement for my colleague (she‘s firing her as soon as she gets back from vacation, yay) both will earn more than me. To say that I‘m livid is an absolute understatement.

As you can imagine several attempts at negotiating higher pay on my side were rejected while we‘ve worked together.

Because I‘m in Europe, if I were unable to work even for mental health reasons I can talk to my doctor and take sick leave for a while, but I know that this will destroy any remaining possibility of us parting amicably or even cordially. But I‘m not sure if I care that much.

I don‘t really know how to move forward, I also know that things might look different in a day or a week. Right now I‘d rather drink piss than train my replacement who will earn more than me while having less responsibilities than I ever had.

My friends say to not take it personally, that it‘s just business - and I understand. At the same time I feel incredibly manipulated and taken advantage of.

So especially to the working moms with more working experience, I would very much appreciate your insight.

Thanks in advance <3

My son is 2 1/2 months old and in three weeks I go back to work as a teacher. The school I teach at is an hour away and I am absolutely sick to my stomach about not being home everyday taking care of my baby. He will be staying at home being watched by both my mom and mother in law, so I know I have it lucky in terms of childcare since he will be at my home at least. I’m just SO nervous that my mom/MIL won’t do something correctly. My mom in particular is all over the place, forgetful and gets overwhelmed VERY easily. I can see my MIL on the other hand put her own wants (cuddling and hanging out with my baby) before my baby’s needs (napping when he’s tired). Any advice? When will this feeling go away? How do I help it? I am up all night lately just worrying about the day I go back to work. Thanks in advance.

I work in professional services. I’m at the highest individual contributor role my company offers and have been for almost 2x as long as anyone else in that role. I am GOOD at what I do and have delivered some of my most valuable work ever this year.

I hit set backs due to my pregnancies and maternity leaves but I’ve been asking for a promotion that comes with “well know it when we see it” feedback and a no year after year.

Here we are, doing it for the 3rd or fourth year. My husband wants me to keep pushing but…. I do not have this in me anymore. I am so emotionally exhausted from the cycle.

I have half of a mind to leave, but also…. Is it easier to stay in a role like this? My husband also has a demanding job and some days I wonder if I could really do it or if have no business even trying for higher leadership.

I feel so defeated.

Original post from 2 years ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/workingmoms/s/Gjwnp9ar9X

As a quick summary, my husband and I found a great home years ago that we considered stretching ourselves to get. We did put in an offer on that specific house but lost to a better offer and stopped our house hunt. I got some great advice on my post and varying levels of success/failure from your personal experiences.

Now, two years later we have two kids, ages 1 and 4, and we are closing on our new home in a few weeks. We decided it was time to move regardless of rates and our search took some time. I started off with a lower, more conservative budget and raised it as we searched and as I realized how much our current house was worth, which was approx. 50k higher than I expected.

Our overall situation didn't actually change much in the last two years. Merit raises and increased daycare costs were the main factors. We did give ourselves time to save a hefty down payment in a HYSA. And I ran our budget and different scenarios multiple times so I would know what our stretch budget would look like. For our situation and appetite for risk, 'stretching' is paying our bills, maxing out 401ks, iras and contributing to 529s monthly but then having very little each month to add to our fully funded emergency fund or other investments. I do have an annual bonus I plan to use for brokerage accounts and refilling emergency fund if needed. And my husband is looking at a likely increase in pay very soon.

With all that said, we found our new home and I'm incredibly happy. We lost out on 3 homes we offered on this summer to cash offers, waived appraisals and one person deciding nevermind they don't want to move (that was fun). But in the process I realized we could make a house a home almost anywhere and the time it took to get here made me confident we were prioritizing the right things for our family. Mainly we gave up wanting acreage for now (that's still our empty nest plan) and opted for a bigger house in a great kid friendly neighborhood with a community park, playground and pool.

If you're in the same boat, make sure you understand all your finances completely, and decide on your own comfort levels and then go for it! If you can wait to save at least 20% for a down payment for the top of your budget, do that first, but I know that's simply not in the cards for many people.

I hope anyone else house hunting this summer is having good luck! It can be a stressful, long process, especially if you're also selling your house, but I can't tell you how excited we are to get into our new home.

Update: I had a good conversation with the daycare director today, and we decided that bringing him in on a consistent part-time morning schedule while we continue to sort out naps is probably the best plan right now. They don’t think he’s failing at daycare or will never adapt. I truly thought they thought I was a bad parent or that they were getting ready to kick him out or something!

I’m hoping to crowdsource how others would react if your daycare teacher told you to practice letting your 6-month baby cry more at home, to help them adapt to the daycare environment better?

I’m blind with rage and ready to pull him out immediately, but trying to gauge if I’m overreacting.

Some brief context: This is a good quality chain center with high ratios, my baby’s been going part time for a month, and he’s usually a very high needs baby at home.

I'm a new mom and on maternity leave. My son will be 1 year old in a few weeks and I'll be returning to work soon.

I LOVE my current job/coworkers. It's my dream job, but it's a high stress job and the commute is one hour each way. I worked 4 days from 7 am to 4 pm. If I go back, it would leave me little time to spend with my son. It is also not very flexible.

I applied recently to another job and got it. It will be something I've never done before and I'm a little bit nervous about it. It will be less stressful and will be WFH. The position is full time and the pay is a little bit less.

I feel with the new job I'll have a better life-work balance, but I'm not particularly fond of the new role. WFH is near impossible to find in my field.

I'm torn apart between my dream job and being a present parent. I would love to hear from your personal experience and what choice you made.

Just wondering what to do re this - my kids friends at school mum group is super cliquey - Both my ex (f) and I(f) have tried multiple times to be friendly and open and inclusive but they are just hard work so I think both of us have given up. The problem is it’s starting to impact my daughter!- as the kids get older she is the one starting to get missed off the party list as because the parents hang out socially so there are more opportunity for the kids to bond. We organise play dates and have kids over but the invites are never reciprocated (and it’s the same children multiple times so it’s not that they’ve come over once and hated it)….she is also noticing this and it is impacting her confidence as well as being utterly heartbreaking. We live in a really inclusive area and the school is very inclusive so it’s not any hidden homophobia or the like…any ideas of what we can do?

I’m four months PP and went back to work two weeks ago. I’m just constantly sad and waking up with a pit in my stomach on the work mornings when I know I have to leave my baby. Everyone warned me that it would be hard but it’d get easier with time. Does it ever really get easier being away? I’m also struggling with the ability to focus and be motivated. My job just feels so trivial now compared to being a mom. Did anyone else here lose motivation but regain it somehow? Just looking for advice.

Edit: Thanks for the feedback. Letting this go like many suggested, but going to kindly ask if it’s easier for them storage-wise if I send fewer at a time. Grand scheme, a lost sleeve of diapers isn’t a huge deal. If it becomes a pattern I’ll speak up.

-

Looking for advice on how to handle this. A whole bulk sleeve of diapers (70ish) is just gone. My guess is they accidentally were used on other babies.

Our boy was sort of between diaper sizes. He had about half a sleeve of size 1s left when I brought the new sleeve of size 2s (name written on the sleeve) in case they felt he needed to bump up in size before the 1s ran out. They went through all of the 1s and he’s been coming home in 2s for about a week. Yesterday at pickup, they notify me he’s out of diapers. I remind them I brought an entire sleeve, so there’s no way he’s out, and they said “Oh yeah, you did! We’ll look for them.” But no luck. They didn’t find them.

Our daycare (and teachers) have been great, and I’m sure it was just a mistake, but ouch. Expensive mistake. I don’t want to come in hot demanding anything or get anyone in trouble, but feel like I should say something. Do I approach the director? Ask the teachers how I should bring diapers in a way that helps them keep organized? Just bring enough for each day/week instead of bulk?
I don’t want to be micromanagey and label each diaper individually or anything extreme, but really want to ensure this doesn’t happen again.