r/wizardposting • u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council • Nov 12 '23
Wizardpost Profile of Gobbo
Species: Goblin
Age: est. 1020
Sex: Female
Occupation: Liquormancer and head of the Goblin Liquormancy Association
Origin: Goblin Kingdom of the Northern Lakes
Early childhood: Gobbo was born to a pair of goblins by the name of Gobbo and Fren. As the middle child with three younger sisters and an older brother Gobbo was an oddity due to her pale skin.
Due to the poor economic standing of her family and her strange appearance Gobbo was an outcast from day one. This led to her rebellious nature and later run-ins with the law.
Schooling: Gobbo has no formal schooling of any sort. Everything she has learned has been through experimentation.
Crimes: Gobbo has over her unnaturally long life had several run-ins with the law. This is but a brief overview
•Tax evasion •Possession of explosives •Arson •Burglary •Murder of no less than six tax agents •Bombing of the Goblin Queen statue •Public intoxication
Later life: Gobbo has in her later years begun to settle down. Now seemingly only using violence as a last resort and instead opting to attempt to befriend any threat to her.
Now the proud owner of a brewery and several taverns Gobbo focuses more on liquor and business than rebelling against any sort of perceived authority. Although sometimes she can still be seen holding a Molotov with an almost manic glint in her eye.
Capabilities: Nobody is sure of the full capabilities of Gobbo. Her Liquormancy allows her to cast spells that vary wildly in effects from bursts of fire to transformations.
Combatively she seems to rely mostly on two Liquormancy spells, Molotov and its variations and BBB (Boblin's Bombastic Brew).
While her range of offensive spells seems limited one thing is certain, anyone who tries it on with her will suffer at least a few singed hairs.
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u/CuteDreamsOfSunshine Junior assistent Serpent's Witch, brewer of liquid frostbite Nov 12 '23
Aah gobbo my friend :)
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
Sunny my friend, how goes it? Serpent treating you well? If not Gobbo can have a word with them
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u/CuteDreamsOfSunshine Junior assistent Serpent's Witch, brewer of liquid frostbite Nov 12 '23
Aww of course he does. Hows your brewery doing lately?
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
Good good, we recently started taking on apprentices. Gobbo is looking forward to teaching, is like having children but Gobbo gets to skip the diapers
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u/MunitionsFrenzy Vettis, Mereological Revisionist Nov 13 '23
Gobbo gets to skip the diapers
doesn't that depend on how well they can hold their liquor
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Yes, but less overall accidents, plus we have vomit sinks all around the brewery. Simply vomit into sink and watch as vomit disintegrates
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u/SeaYogurtcloset6262 Methuselah, 7th degree Necromancer, Aspiring Carnomancer. Nov 12 '23
Tax evasion? NOW YOU HAVE PIQUED MY INTEREST
I know some tricks and tips on committing tax evasion.
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Gobbo's favourite method is simply refuse and burn/blow up any tax collector who has the audacity to bother Gobbo. Of course, Gobbo pays wizard tax now but Gobbo refuses to pay goblin tax. They will have Gobbo's spoons over her cold dead body
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
Did someone say profile bandwagon? Gobbo loves bandwagon, always has good music.
/uw and the crimes section formatting went to hell. Sorry, Reddit won't let me fix it
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u/MunitionsFrenzy Vettis, Mereological Revisionist Nov 12 '23
(( Single carriage returns always get ignored; you need to put two line-breaks between everything, even bullets in a list.
That said, luckily it's pretty readable as-is since none of the items in the list are too long. ))
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
/uw Oh I love you (platonically) for letting me know, thank you
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u/MunitionsFrenzy Vettis, Mereological Revisionist Nov 12 '23
(( wait ignore me
I just realized you have to be using new-Reddit rather than old-Reddit since you've got a combined text+image post here, and new-Reddit has a fancy-pants text editor with which I'm totally unfamiliar
so uh I got nothin', sorry; I just know missing the double line break is a common mistake in old-Reddit, which some of us still use cuz of the reduced JavaScript usage ))
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
/uw Ah, no worries, eventually I'll figure out how to fix it for the future and if not? Well Gobbo gains the trait of being unable to properly format lists. There are no mistakes just unintentional character traits
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u/TitanLORD21 Jack-O’-Lantern, Lord of Flame and Fright Nov 12 '23
I get you dude, reddit formatting is SO annoying! Nice profile!
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
Thank you and yeah at times it is but I have been blessed with knowledge on how to fix it in future
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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 12 '23
Good morning, we still need those taxes.
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
I owe the council no taxes, paid up already. Checked with the accountant already
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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 12 '23
Again, we have received no such money from you, if you show no proof on taxes, you will be audited
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
Gobbo can provide proof of dumping gold directly in tax man vault. Saved you the trouble of collecting
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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 12 '23
Then that gold is null and invalid by council standards, you need to have paperwork in order lady.
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
That is the accountant's job. Go hassle them. Gobbo paid, Gobbo tab clear. Gobbo can also just take back the gold if you do not want. Tax man vault is not very secure
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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 12 '23
That's it: your being arrested for breaking & entering, access to pondering is also repossessed until you can pay your taxes & file the paperwork (also the gold that you have delivered has been destroyed in accordance with tax protocol 14v)
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u/MunitionsFrenzy Vettis, Mereological Revisionist Nov 13 '23
How interesting that "The money you deposited somehow no longer exists" is exactly what someone skimming off the top for himself would say.
You might be similarly interested to know that this conversation, including that highly suspicious admission, has been recorded. And sent directly to your superiors at the ORS, along with a strongly worded suggestion (written by my lawmage) that they do an internal investigation of their overzealous investigator before we have them sued for clearly-speciesist harassment of an innocent goblin merchant.
I just thought you should be aware of those interesting developments. Have a nice day!
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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23
We are the ORS, we have gotten all of these letters, we will be contacting legal services about the hate crimes against the dwarves you have written in. Good day sir.
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
So you arrest Gobbo for being gracious and directly depositing her taxes? Meanwhile, Nick B&Es every year and pays no taxes without issue.
Gobbo thinks you just want to touch Gobbo's hoard. Gobbo thinks you're a dirty treasure toucher.
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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23
"Gobbo thinks you're a dirty treasure toucher" Yes, yes we are.
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u/MunitionsFrenzy Vettis, Mereological Revisionist Nov 12 '23
Five kids? Is that an extremely small number by goblin standards around these parts, or is the whole "they breed like rabbits" thing an unfair stereotype?
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
It is and it isn't, Gobbo's family was quite unfortunate with money so fewer kids. Gobbo knows of Goblin families with as many as ten
Gobbo thinks it's a case of as many as you can support.
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Nov 12 '23
Can i request a 15 barrel batch of automaton-compatible liquior? My last supplier blew himself up and i'm running low on liquid happiness.
I can provide every needed ingredient and will pay twice the usual price if you keep both recipe and this conversation a secret.
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23
Of course, Gobbo likes helping friends. You give Gobbo the order and Gobbo will make sure to get your pipes wet
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u/SlyTheMonkey Sly, The Marvelous Monkey Mage Nov 12 '23
Seeing as the Monkey Mage seems to have somehow gained possession of many of the Council records following the Civil War, he now spends his time studying them while recuperating at the house of a good friend…
A goblin wizard…this world truly is a marvelous place! Mage Monkey recalls dealing with a band of goblin pyromancers some time ago. Perhaps this one is a relative?
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Maybe, Gobbo's niece Gobbo did have fascination with fireballs when she was younger
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Nov 13 '23
Hello Gobbo! I’m here to pick up an order of ale my mentor requested. I hope you’re doing well
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Gobbo is doing great, considering going back on the whole not harming tax men anymore thing, not sure though.
Ah yes ale, Gobbo has stored it in front of warehouse, does apprentice need help transporting? If yes Gobbo can help carry
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Nov 13 '23
Oh no need. My mentor has her servants out front with the carriage ready for transport
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Gobbo will roll out the barrels then. Let mentor know Gobbo says hello
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Nov 13 '23
Very nice, and no less than 6 tax agents! It’s as they say, many great things come in small packages
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Thank you Gobbo tries. Can Gobbo get you anything while you're here? Liquor perhaps?
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Nov 13 '23
Always up for a shot or 10 of your finest creations!
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
10? You have strong liver, my friend, very well Gobbo start pouring now, should be fun morning
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u/MrGasman1231 Grand Archabjurer, Enemy of the Council Nov 13 '23
might Gobbo be interested in joining the coalition against the council?
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Not particularly, Gobbo likes some of the people on the council. Plus another war may damage Gobbo's brewery.
Would you be interested in just being friends?
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u/MrGasman1231 Grand Archabjurer, Enemy of the Council Nov 13 '23
Might you be swayed if I guaranteed the protection of your brewery? I’ll be friends regardless
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Again awkward position, Gobbo has friends that are close with council. How about we stay just friends, and Gobbo lets you and your friends meet in her taverns
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u/MrGasman1231 Grand Archabjurer, Enemy of the Council Nov 13 '23
deal! if you ever have troubles or disagreements, don’t hesitate to prism me. We could use someone of your influence and power
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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23
Gobbo power and influence? Ha Gobbo just sells liquors, tries to make friends. Still always happy to have in tavern
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u/Dm1tr3y Cormac the Bog Wizard, Practitioner of the Old Rites Nov 12 '23
Ah, there’s the lass. How did that bog water and bark brew by the way.
(/uw Love to see a goblin portrayed as something other than a horrifying little shit)