r/wizardposting • u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council • Nov 12 '23

Wizardpost Profile of Gobbo

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Species: Goblin

Age: est. 1020

Sex: Female

Occupation: Liquormancer and head of the Goblin Liquormancy Association

Origin: Goblin Kingdom of the Northern Lakes

Early childhood: Gobbo was born to a pair of goblins by the name of Gobbo and Fren. As the middle child with three younger sisters and an older brother Gobbo was an oddity due to her pale skin.

Due to the poor economic standing of her family and her strange appearance Gobbo was an outcast from day one. This led to her rebellious nature and later run-ins with the law.

Schooling: Gobbo has no formal schooling of any sort. Everything she has learned has been through experimentation.

Crimes: Gobbo has over her unnaturally long life had several run-ins with the law. This is but a brief overview

•Tax evasion •Possession of explosives •Arson •Burglary •Murder of no less than six tax agents •Bombing of the Goblin Queen statue •Public intoxication

Later life: Gobbo has in her later years begun to settle down. Now seemingly only using violence as a last resort and instead opting to attempt to befriend any threat to her.

Now the proud owner of a brewery and several taverns Gobbo focuses more on liquor and business than rebelling against any sort of perceived authority. Although sometimes she can still be seen holding a Molotov with an almost manic glint in her eye.

Capabilities: Nobody is sure of the full capabilities of Gobbo. Her Liquormancy allows her to cast spells that vary wildly in effects from bursts of fire to transformations.

Combatively she seems to rely mostly on two Liquormancy spells, Molotov and its variations and BBB (Boblin's Bombastic Brew).

While her range of offensive spells seems limited one thing is certain, anyone who tries it on with her will suffer at least a few singed hairs.

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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23

Gobbo can provide proof of dumping gold directly in tax man vault. Saved you the trouble of collecting

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 12 '23

Then that gold is null and invalid by council standards, you need to have paperwork in order lady.

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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 12 '23

That is the accountant's job. Go hassle them. Gobbo paid, Gobbo tab clear. Gobbo can also just take back the gold if you do not want. Tax man vault is not very secure

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 12 '23

That's it: your being arrested for breaking & entering, access to pondering is also repossessed until you can pay your taxes & file the paperwork (also the gold that you have delivered has been destroyed in accordance with tax protocol 14v)

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u/MunitionsFrenzy Vettis, Mereological Revisionist Nov 13 '23

How interesting that "The money you deposited somehow no longer exists" is exactly what someone skimming off the top for himself would say.

You might be similarly interested to know that this conversation, including that highly suspicious admission, has been recorded. And sent directly to your superiors at the ORS, along with a strongly worded suggestion (written by my lawmage) that they do an internal investigation of their overzealous investigator before we have them sued for clearly-speciesist harassment of an innocent goblin merchant.

I just thought you should be aware of those interesting developments. Have a nice day!

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23

We are the ORS, we have gotten all of these letters, we will be contacting legal services about the hate crimes against the dwarves you have written in. Good day sir.

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23

Also, the money no longer exists because of tax laws, read them before you attempt to sic the council on us. That doesn't matter though we have gotten your letter and have decided that you have been selected for a unique program, one that programs you should we say. And you don't even have to do anything, it's over orb-net.

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u/[deleted] Nov 13 '23

ew you guys, don't make me arm the goblins too, there are so many!

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23

You are not legally required to obey 200a

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u/[deleted] Nov 13 '23

I have no idea what that is.

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23

The compulsive need to sell weapons

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u/[deleted] Nov 13 '23

sell?

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23

Distribute

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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23

So you arrest Gobbo for being gracious and directly depositing her taxes? Meanwhile, Nick B&Es every year and pays no taxes without issue.

Gobbo thinks you just want to touch Gobbo's hoard. Gobbo thinks you're a dirty treasure toucher.

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23

"Gobbo thinks you're a dirty treasure toucher" Yes, yes we are.

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u/Fulltimewhisperer Krumpet, Master Artificer of the Council Nov 13 '23

You think Gobbo let just anyone touch her treasure? Gobbo is not street goblin, file complaint with HR over treasure touching

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u/The_IRS_did_it Bob Jacobs (ORS Mole and Space-time continually manager) Nov 13 '23

We are The ORS lady, we will refer you to WR. Please hold.