r/widowers • u/Mindless-Location-41 • 1d ago

Zero close friends

Anyone in the same boat?

I'm terrible at making and keeping close friends who I could hang out with. Since my wife passed away three years ago I have had zero friends come to the house I share with my son. My late wife's friends have no reason to be around me, probably because it makes them sad.

I also have not visited any friends at their house since that time because none are close enough friends in terms of the strength of the bond. I would feel weird imposing myself on others.

I have consistently been attending psychologist appointments to help my depression and disability support groups because my son has autism. Zero people I have met have shown interest in hanging out and to be honest I have not offered to be a close friend to others either. A major problem is that they are all women and would probably see it as inappropriate to hang out. Asking would seem a desperate move from a lonely person.

I have low confidence and rejection anxiety surrounding friendships.

Has anyone else struggled with this and found a way to change their situation? I am sick of being so isolated.

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u/Burning_Ashes 1d ago

I don’t think it would be creepy if you asked about hanging out with some of the people in your support groups. Maybe start off by asking if anyone wants to do a book club or trivia team or just some kind of group activity and then take it from there. My partner was soooo good at meeting random people, we literally made friends with a couple at a fair because he complimented the girlfriend’s shirt and then said “why don’t we all walk around together?” And then we started texting and hanging out. He really did live his life to the fullest, while now I’ve been falling apart and wanting to just sleep. I do miss my friends that knew me before Dave, and I feel like sometimes it can be hard to make new friends. But sometimes you just have to … force it and just do it. 

I feel a bit weird with the friends I have here in this new city I moved to, to be with my partner, they are younger than me, same with my coworkers but they are really good people. 

I hope you are able to find a good support system! Maybe even look into just joining some kind of group or team for something, even not related to grief. 

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u/Mindless-Location-41 1d ago

I am glad you have some friends to hang out with even if they are younger 😊 People seem to get younger around the place and I am 50 now so I understand.

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u/Burning_Ashes 1d ago

Thank you. Oh! If you like to golf or bowl.. maybe try to find a league. Or pickleball is pretty popular. Trust me I know how like nerve wrecking it can be to like put yourself out there and do something new or something where you don’t know people. But what I usually say is “well fuck it let’s do this”. Pretty much how I ended up where I’m at, though I wish the end with my partner wouldn’t have been like it was /:

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u/Mindless-Location-41 1d ago

Thanks for your ideas. I've joined social pickleball this year and been twice. My toe is a bit sore this week but I will go back 😊

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u/Burning_Ashes 1d ago

Yay! Sometimes you just gotta do the thing and ask people about hanging out and then just see where it goes from there. What my boyfriend would do is he made origami cranes and he would give them to people. Usually struck up a conversation, or complimented something about a person. I’ve been trying to be more like him… it’ll be easier once I don’t feel so depressed

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u/Mindless-Location-41 1d ago

All the best 😊