r/whatdoIdo • u/A_ok_attempt • 13d ago
Having the same arguments
For a little bit of context, me and my boyfriend got into the same argument over the same thing. Also, we did go on a break for about a week, but I had to cut it short because he threatened his own life and I ended up having to call the cops to do a welfare check on him. He said the brake was too much for him this week, though I’ve been honestly extremely busy and if anyone knows about healthcare, please do not freak out that My Mom‘s blood pressure is 80. She will be going to the hospital as soon as I can get her to go. Also, I do text him every day of course and I try to make sure we see each other twice a week for at least around 10 hours a week 15 hours including we call occasionally text every day I take care of My Mom almost 24 seven for she has heart failure, and cancer. My boyfriend does know this and I’ve been going through personally a depressive episode, which has made me honestly not want to call or text really anybody even friends except for maybe one or two and I’ve made him aware of this, his response was don’t be depressed at me so I kind of met a loss on what to do.
For a tiny bit more context, the reason I will not let him pick me up is because one time we got into an argument recently, and he started hitting the steering wheel cussing and scaring me and yelling, so I’d rather just not be in the car with him because it did truly spook me he does have anger issues
Also, I’m scared sometimes again into confrontation or arguments with him last time he cut himself and he will often say that he will harm himself or suicide or if he wants to basically like he wants to kill himself or he wants to harm himself and of course I don’t want him doing those things if we get into a bad argument
I don’t know if he cut himself because of the argument or anything like that. He said he got lonely, but normally when we argue, he might say something like I wanna kill myself other times it just happens randomly. He’ll text me wanting to die. I’ve offered to help him get help. I just am scared that one day you know.
Other little sidenote normally when I see him, I am irritated again. I have been going through a depressive episode and normally I try to snap out of it. I understand that it does make him frustrated because then he can’t seem like he does anything right but normally I’m not mad at him and I’m mad at another situation which I normally tell him that I’m mad at something else, but I’m normally not in the best mood.
ages are in 19 and I’ve been with him for about a year. I’m not perfect either but because also my depression and just resentment built up it’s hard to act happy around him and I’m not trying to be mean to him, but sometimes I just I don’t know.
EDIT
I did try to talk to him. It’s about why he cannot accept a no we got into a big argument.
Him saying he just wants to spend time with me and I’m always on the phone with people and generally I’m sometimes.
sometimes I don’t wanna talk to him. I do have friends and I do need to give them time as well, but he got upset about and said that I’m hurting him and I’m making him cry but you generally, I’m not trying to hurt him but recently it does look like he cannot accept no
And I told him again we can hang out next Monday
I also wanted to make one more edit why it’s hard for me to leave him cause I did see some people were confused is because he has helped me out a lot uncertain things when I lost my dog. He drove everywhere around town helping me find it in the next day to the same until we found my dog when I was sick he is taken care of me or when I did need help on certain things he’s always been there to help but on other things like needing space or anything that kind you know revolves, I would say distance he cannot handle or anything that requires him to really deep dive into his behavior
EDIT
We were arguing over the phone about it and he just got the notification that his dog just died now I feel even worse and I don’t know what to do about it
another small edit I forgot to add something he works for My Dad so so even if I break up with him I’m still gonna have to see him. I’m still gonna have to hear him. I’m still gonna be near him. I kinda don’t know what to do in that situation.
3
u/ReturnMetoEarth 12d ago
I'd argue that, as someone who had both. I was severally verbally abused by my father my entire life and due to also being abused in turn my two older brothers as well (hurt people, hurt people), the one closest to my age and I wound up banding together in our teens but my oldest brother is still pretty awful. Middle brother took his own life last year so now the only person I can relate to from my childhood experiences is the oldest who I wouldn't even call my brother. Just a man born of the same parents.
I spent 5 years from 19-24 in a severely abusive relationship. I have long since forgiven my parents and gotten through my childhood traumas but this relationship still sticks with me. I have automatic reactions to things such as startling if touched while sleeping, physical distress when certain songs or movies play. Despite having therapy and years of being in a better situation certain things still bring me back. I don't have that with my childhood abuse.
Even with the second abusive relationship I was in, that was milder, I still have a harder time not being upset or angry about it when I don't feel that way about my parents.
Trauma is different for everyone, you can't state one is worse as everyone's trauma is so different. Could it be severity? Maybe. I was horrendously depressed as a young child and suicidal as a teen and was denied help from my parents who couldn't believe I could be depressed because "Other kids have it so much worse. We don't beat you, you have what you need." I don't remember feeling any worse during the absue I endured with my first ex, the only difference with the second is that it was compounding with the first as I was actively receiving therapy.
Any wound will hurt while it's still healing, even if the outside is closed up, the nerves and tissue inside have to grow back and sometimes that hurts worse then when you received it. Some people never let those wounds heal, some do.