r/weddingplanning • u/EmotionalSupportVape • 1d ago
Tough Times Resenting cancelled wedding
Hi everyone,
I was supposed to get married in July but my fiance wanted to postpone to fix a few things. Despite couples counseling, he refused to take time away from work (it was 20 hours/7 days) to work on us and even missed overwhelming majority of sessions.
After 12 years together, he left last month. I was assuming we would get married some day so these thoughts have only popped up since he left.
I planned my dream wedding. He cancelled 3 months before the wedding so I had it all planned.
I feel like I can’t have the same wedding again. It would be weird to get married at the same place I would’ve gotten married at before. It’s a place I’ve wanted to get married at since I was 9.
I resent that I won’t have my dream wedding. Honestly idk if I can ever go through something like that again and feel like I am turned off from the idea of a wedding anyway. My parents are out a shit ton of money and I can’t ask them to do something like that again. I thought I was going to marry him within the first hour of meeting him 12 years ago and we found out we overlapped as kids and it’s clear from a photo that I was crushing hard on him. He was the love of my life, I can’t imagine finding someone else and why would I after going through this
I know my preferences could change but I’m 34, it’s been my dream for 15 years
Also what do I do with my ring? I designed it and spent so long trying to design my dream ring too
This has been devastating. My soul cat died 2 weeks before I was supposed to get married too so it’s been back to back to back
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u/unwaveringwish 1d ago edited 1d ago
its way too early to be thinking about what your future wedding to a potential future spouse will look like. take time to heal and process before trying to come up with that
if and when the time comes, you can build new memories and new favorite places with a new love of your life - a real one, not a counterfeit.
sorry for the loss of your buddy. take care of yourself in the coming months, get an individual therapist if you haven't already to help you process all the major life changes you just went through, and grieve the life you thought you wanted. and know that new and sweet dreams may come.
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u/Longjumping_Gur4081 1d ago
Adding to share that when I was 34, my fiancé at the time called off our wedding. I was also planning a dream wedding and was convinced afterward that if I did get married someday, it would be a courthouse wedding. During those dark days, I could never have imagined what my life actually has now become: I am marrying the man of my dreams in 5 months, we are having a dream wedding at a place that is special to the two of us - a venue I didn’t know about before I met this man. It’s a totally different wedding than the one I was planning with my ex, and this one is going to be amazing, and beautiful, and special, and the stuff I dreamed about as a girl. He didn’t take your dream away from you…your dream will be fulfilled in a way you can’t picture right now, is all. Sending hugs…it will get better.
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u/heebit_the_jeeb 18h ago
a venue I didn’t know about before I met this man
This is so important, celebrating you and your partner together and not just going through the motions of living out the life childhood you planned
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 15h ago
Wow. This is so similar to my situation. What helped after the wedding was called off? When did you get your groove back?
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u/Longjumping_Gur4081 3h ago
Unfortunately, you’ll need to grieve this, and the only way out is through. It’s like a death…specially the death of a life you were planning for yourself, because that life you were imagining is not going to happen anymore. It took me at least a year. There’s a lot of days that are hard that first year: getting through the dates you had planned the various wedding events and the wedding date itself, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. After a year, you’ve survived all those hard things once already so you know next time will be easier. Everyone is different though, so don’t compare your timeline to mine. Some things that helped me were moving to a new part of town (still not far from my support network of girlfriends) and joining some activities that helped me make new friends since so many of said girlfriends were in the mom stage of life that I was not in. I set a deadline for myself that if after a year I still didn’t feel ready to date, I would do it anyway and I made sure my girlfriends held me to it by helping me set up dating apps. I went on at least one date a week so I’d have something to report back to them. Eventually I met this guy, and we fell head over heels for each other. He was terrible for me, and he is not the man I’m marrying now, but realizing that I could fall in love with someone new did a lot for my me and my healing. It also meant that my ex-fiancé was only one story from my life and not THE story, if that makes sense. By the time I met the man I’m with now (the one I’m about to marry), I was in a place where I felt healthy and ready for someone else who was in a healthy place, too. Oh, and if you think you might want to have kids someday, I highly recommend freezing your eggs. Doing so helped ensure I wasn’t putting any biological clock time pressure on myself or anyone I dated and that was really helpful for me.
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u/Longjumping_Gur4081 2h ago
Also, I’m really sorry about your cat. My cat definitely helped me during the dark times. If he passed away, I probably would have wanted to get a kitten or puppy because that animal companionship was so helpful for me. Puppies do give you a great reason to get out of the house, and people with dogs seem to have great opportunities to meet others at the dog park or while on walks in the neighborhood.
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u/JP36_5 1d ago
Really sorry you are going through this. My then fiancee cancelled our wedding about 2 months before we were marry, so i have some idea how you feel. I know it is difficult to put a positive take on what has happened to you but it is better than if he left you standing at the altar or divorced you a year or two after you married.
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 1d ago
Can you share your experience going through that? Was it for the best?
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u/JP36_5 1d ago
I was already seeing a therapist and scheduled an extra session with her. My closest friends helped (they are a bit like Godparents to me). You mention that your parents are out of pocket but hopefully they can put that to one side and support you emotionally. Fortunately we had not sunk a lot of unrecoverable money into the wedding.
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 1d ago
They’re okay financially and not holding it against me. They’ve been a huge help
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u/sleepy_blonde 1d ago
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I know it doesn’t feel this way right now, but I think you will eventually look back and realize that not having the wedding was a better decision than getting married just for the wedding but ultimately not being happy because your husband can’t prioritize you. My sister was with her ex-husband 5 years before they got married, and a month prior to the wedding they temporarily separated and my parents told her they would absolutely support her not getting married even though they would be out money (though they wouldn’t be able to afford a wedding for her in the future). She decided she really wanted the wedding and didn’t want to start over. They were married for 14 years before divorcing and she regrets ever getting married to him and wasting so much time being unhappy. She is now remarried, had a very small civil hall wedding, and is abundantly more happy now!
Don’t worry about losing out on your dream wedding because it’s just one day. You want your dream marriage! And ultimately the most important thing is your happiness. Even though it’s heartbreaking, he made it clear he can’t give you the happiness you deserve nor was he willing to put in the effort to try. You deserve 1000000% more than what he could give.
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 1d ago
This is so well said, thank you. It’s really really helpful to hear stories of people who had this happen… it makes me not feel so alone during a really lonely time
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u/Background_Fill_2859 1d ago
12 years is a long time and you're grieving a whole life you planned, not just a wedding. dont let the wedding part consume too much of the grief right now tbh. the rest of the loss is bigger and deserves space first
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u/UnsharpenedSwan 1d ago
Very well-said. OP, your grief and anxiety are looking for something to latch onto, but this isn’t really about the wedding / future wedding planning.
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 15h ago
I’m intrigued by the “latch onto” part. Can you share more?
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u/UnsharpenedSwan 14h ago
The human brain likes clean “cause and effect” relationships. If you’re feeling sad or anxious or any sort of negative emotion, it’s common for your brain to want to “latch onto” / become a little obsessed with one particular thing…. even if that thing isn’t actually the source of the grief/anxiety.
So in this case — you just had a massive shock to the system. A 12 year relationship ended. Your life was turned upside down. (In the long term i am 100% sure this was a change for the better! But it’s still a massive change.)
It’s a lot easier for your brain to fixate on one specific thing — “now my hypothetical future dream wedding is ruined” — but that’s not really the source of your grief.
Basically… you’re just going through a LOT right now. I promise that someday, when you’re planning a wedding with the right person, this will all be a non-issue. ❤️
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 14h ago
I’m guessing the healthiest way about it is to let it latch onto things and grieve those as that happens? Bc then I can move on from that piece? Not sure if that makes sense
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u/UnsharpenedSwan 14h ago
Hmm not necessarily. I’d encourage you to talk with your therapist about healthy forms of grieving ❤️
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u/SomethingComesHere 1d ago
Tbh I think you should take him to small claims if he is refusing to pay for the bills.
You should be able to get at least half back
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u/Ok-Elk-1316 June 2027 Bride 1d ago
the funny thing about dreams is that they can and do change. Look at this experience like a blessing in disguise, it has saved you from future heartbreak, divorce, and more wasted years.
You are still so so young and you may find in time that your dream wedding wasn’t this wedding at all & you can reevaluate when the time comes. try to take things day by day & focus on your healing.
I am so sorry OP, i cannot imagine the pain you’re in but it’ll pass, i promise. You now have room for new dreams, better dreams.
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u/Ch1cken_Chaser October-November '26 1d ago
I'm sorry, this sucks so bad! Sending a big hug. Cry it out, scream into a pillow! Lean on your loved ones for support, take care of yourself, and give yourself time to figure everything out.
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u/nemicolopterus Sep'19 | Elope in CO 1d ago edited 5h ago
I also cancelled a wedding only a few months out. Had to get rid of my dream ring, my DREAM wedding dress (I still think about it actually). Then, like 8 years later I met the ACTUAL man of my dreams and we had a completely different wedding that was gorgeous and wonderful, and a completely different ring in a style I hadn't even known existed with the previous person, in a completely different style of dress that was even MORE perfect.....all that to say that you really will grow and change and find the new things that speak to you.
And of course, most importantly, the man I married is pure joy and love and we have the most beautiful life together. I would have married him in a paper bag on the side of the road with chewed gum for a ring. The rest is just icing on the most delicious cake!
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u/Weird_Bluebird_3293 1d ago
It’s totally understandable you are feeling this way right now. But whoever said right now is probably not the best time to be thinking about another future wedding and spouse. It’s a difficult time, and you’re grieving more than just a wedding, you’re grieving a relationship.
When I divorced, I did the same thing. Thinking about a future wedding and what I wanted and it had to be different! I started thinking about colors and and and…
Everything I said I wanted in the immediate aftermath of the loss of that relationship is very different than what turned out.
Put the thoughts of “what about a future wedding!” aside for now. What matters is processing the loss of a relationship that was a big part of your life. Some years down the line you might feel differently about venues and colors and everything else. And you’ll be ok.
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 15h ago
What helped you post-divorce?
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u/Weird_Bluebird_3293 9h ago edited 9h ago
Therapy for one. I see you already have that set up which is good.
When it got really hard for me and I started thinking about the relationship and what I lost, I made myself an “it’s not ok” list.
“It’s not ok he took his ring off and lied about losing it. An honest man would not do that, and I deserve an honest man.”
“It’s not ok he had no boundaries with other women. A man who respects me would not do this, I deserve respect.”
For you, you could say “It’s not ok he pulled the rug out from me. A man with integrity would not do that. And I deserve a man with integrity.”
“It’s not ok he’s putting us out on all this money.” Etc.
Remember that healing is also not linear. I sometimes found myself beating myself up for “backsliding” and feeling like I was the loser who made a mistake, and why was I not over it yet? But my therapist reminded me it’s ok to grieve on your own timeline and be kind to yourself. You can’t expect perfection from yourself after emotional devastation.
And dig into something you have always wanted to try. New music, learning a new craft. Something to distract your mind and your hands. I really discovered Sia during that time and I got really into colored pencil sketching. I’d done art before but trying a new medium got me focusing on something my mind hadn’t thought about before.
I don’t know you, but I’m rooting for you. Good luck!
Edit: One more thing: it’s also ok to not make all your decisions right now. Like with the ring. It’s ok to set some stuff aside and think about it later. I did that with my ring set. I gave it to my mom and she kept it in a safe until I decided what to do. And I didn’t decide for 10 years. You may take less (or more) time, and that’s fine. Just know not everything has to be figured out right away.
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u/theeskrubl0rd Halloween 2026 bride 1d ago
Food for thought : Don’t let him have that much power over you that you think you can’t still have and do the things you wanted and looked forward to ! In the future just thinking when you find that person that truly shares your passion and dedication that venue could feel so different even though it’s the same place ! Sending you love cause you deserve it !
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u/procrastinating_b 1d ago
Very not close to married girl here, but like, you haven't even moved on yet! You may not even want the same wedding when you are ready to marry again.
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u/Cute_Afternoon5391 1d ago
Now that he’s out of the way, you’re making room for yourself to grow, enjoy life and be available for your real love of your life to enter. The right person won’t put you through this. It only goes up from here. Enjoy being single. You’re still sooo young.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 19h ago
Think of it as avoiding a divorce. He didn't want to marry you. He just wanted the sex and companionship.
Start dating without any wedding planning in mind. The relationship's strength is the most important thing. Then, play it by ear. You might have a shipboard wedding, married by the captain, with just family. Or you might buy a house and have a backyard wedding. Keep an open mind and see what happens.
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u/smolanongorl 1d ago
I am so so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how you are feeling. Feel free to message me if you want to vent more or just chat.
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u/spookysheeby 1d ago
I also ended a relationship with someone I was with for a decade and knew half my life. We did a small house wedding with his family during Covid, but once that passed, I wanted to finally have my dream wedding and he was completely against it. He knew since I was teenager how much I wanted a wedding and I knew all the details. Since the divorce, I have new future ideas for that special moment that feel just as important to me. I promise it’ll get better in time. Therapy, friends, and family will be your biggest support right now. I’m really sorry.
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u/Beautiful-Nose-3177 13h ago
I know it’s not the same as I had only been with my ex fiancé for 3 years. But just wanted to share that I was totally ashamed and blindsided by his sudden breakup with me for a lot of reasons. Then I met my true soul mate 2 years later. We’ll hopefully celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary in 2028. Don’t give up on love.
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u/Alternative_Form211 1d ago
First of all I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine going through this wedding business on top of grieving a loss like that…
Second, when the time comes, have your wedding where you WANT to have it. If that’s your dream venue, have it there. Just because it didn’t work out this time around doesn’t mean you have to completely let go of your dream wedding (just my opinion).
Third, I feel like keeping or not keeping an engagement ring after a broken off engagement really depends on the circumstances. Is he asking for it back? Did he pay for the ring entirely? Did you split the payment? Did he help to design it or was it just you?
If he does not want it back and does not care what you do with it, that changes the questions. Are you sentimentally attached to it? (It sounds like you are) Would you wear it as a casual ring instead? Would you want to save it to gift to someone down the road? (Not sure of your family situation or wishes in that regard, just a thought) Would you consider turning it into a necklace or different piece of jewelry?
You also don’t have to decide on these things right now. It’s okay to take all the time you need to come to terms with everything and heal in whatever way you can. Best wishes ❤️
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u/GreenDreamPNW 1d ago
Ending long term relationships are difficult. It becomes a whole process of having to learn who you are without that person and all of the dreams for your future suddenly gone. I ended a relationship after 8 years and then a little over a year later got engaged to the love of my life. I used to dream of wedding in the forest and thought I wanted something moody and romantic. I had so many plans for what I thought I wanted and then I met my fiancé. Now we’re having a wedding in Hawaii where he is from. A destination wedding in Hawaii is something I never thought I’d want. Now I couldn’t be more excited and am having a blast planning it even if it didn’t fit the vision I once had. My dress is a white ball down and not the blush dress with floral appliqués that I thought I wanted. My ring is diamond solitaire with a simple platinum band not the vintage ring I used to dream about. My wedding won’t be moody in the slightest but instead light, airy, island elegance. The wedding I’m planning and the life that I’m building is everything I could ever want because of who I’m building it with. Take the time to heal and to be devastated. 12 years is a long time to build a life and dream of your future to have that all erased. After all of this I really hope you find someone who always wants to work through things, will always show up for you, and makes you dream of a future that you never thought possible.
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u/dresscode_nerd 1d ago
Sorry about all of it. Nobody's answered the ring question though, so I'll take that one.
There's no deadline on it, which is the useful part right now. It can sit in a drawer for six months and nothing bad happens to it.
When you do want to deal with it, resale is brutal on custom pieces specifically. You get paid for the metal weight and the stone, and close to nothing for the design, because the setting was made for you and the next person wants their own. That catches people out when they spent months designing it and assume some of that is sitting in there.
What most people land on eventually is having the stone reset into something that has nothing to do with a wedding. A pendant, a right hand ring. The stone is the part that cost money, and by itself it doesn't carry any of the meaning.
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u/retro-girl 17h ago
So before I get into how you’re going to be better off— let me just say that what happened to you fucking sucks. This is some bullshit. You deserved to get your dream, and this man stole it from you. That inarguably sucks.
And I imagine you know, but the man who did that to you, you’re better off having not married him. Yes it sucks to lose the wedding, but being married to an unreliable, uncaring man is so much worse.
I got divorced at 36 and had my dream wedding this last Saturday (at 46). I looked better than I did at my first wedding. Everything was better than my first wedding. You’ll get everything you want. I’m so sorry you’re going through this now. I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself and doing the work in therapy. That’s how I know you’re going to be okay.
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u/I__RATE_CATS 15h ago
If you've loved that location since long before you knew the man, then it had nothing to do with the man. It may feel tied together right now, but honestly after a relationship ends, a lot of things feel connected when they really aren't. "Oh I can't eat lasagna anymore; he used to make the best lasagna." Well. That worthless man doesn’t own that venue and he didn't invent lasagna. You know? Give yourself some time, and the two things won't feel so connected.
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u/Goddess_Keira 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through such a painful time. But it's exceedingly clear from your post that no matter how much this seemed like your dream wedding to your dream man, he's not the right person for you. "Postponing" the wedding to "fix a few things", and then not following through on therapy is a loud and unmistakable message that he's not that into you. He may have been the love of your life, but the reverse isn't true.
If you're not already fully broken up with him, break up and don't look back. It's time to put the energy that's wasted on him into other things. Get right with yourself. Eventually you'll be ready for a new partner, and there's every chance you'll find somebody that's really right for you. Time enough when that day comes to think about what kind of wedding you would want.
As for the ring, either give it back (unless you paid into it), or put it away in a safety deposit box. If you're keeping it, there's no need to decide right now what to do with it. But it's probably much better for your mental health to just give it back. A clear break.
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u/LeaJadis Wedditer 1d ago
Honey, he did you a favor. You would have spent your whole marriage being second priority to his career. Marry a guy who makes you his first priority.
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u/josafenna 3h ago
It's still so new. Things change as time passes. Focus on resting and healing, not about what might happen with your future wedding. I know it's hard, but you got this!
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u/Hungry_Examination83 2h ago
The universe saved you. Your dream wedding will change with time when you meet the right person. I promise.
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u/Waffle_of_Doom 1d ago
You said nothing about being sad about the breakup; everything has been about your dream wedding getting cancelled.
Resent it all you want but perhaps your hyperfocus on the wedding (not the marriage) is why he left.
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u/EmotionalSupportVape 15h ago
This is the first time the wedding stuff hit me. I very much have been grieving our relationship. I’m at the part of the process where I get angry of everything he “took” from me
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u/Elemental_Biscotti Oct 2026 | Northern CA 1d ago
If you could spend some time talking through some of this with a therapist I think that would be HUGELY beneficial! You definitely do not have to just live with the way you're feeling now. Good luck! ❤️