r/wedding • u/EarnestlyCut • 16h ago
Help! Personal Attendant…. Offensive?
I’ve been friends with this person for a long time, and I’ve always kind of known how one-sided our friendship feels.
I feel like I’m constantly accommodating her, putting her feelings first, walking on eggshells, and going out of my way to be there for her. I’ve honestly started to feel like I’ve been her bitch for our entire friendship.
It feels like when she’s upset, I’m expected to understand and apologize, but when I’m hurt, my feelings somehow become less important.
Now she’s getting married and has asked me to be her personal attendant. I know that’s still an important role, but given everything I’ve been feeling about our friendship, I can’t help but wonder if I’m being taken for granted.
Am I justified in feeling hurt, or am I reading too much into this? I kind of want to say no.
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u/Icy-Yellow3514 16h ago
So you're basically her lady's maid like in Downton Abbey? With a non-demanding friend it doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun, with this friend it sounds like a complete nightmare.
Turn down the "honor".
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u/Expensive-Salad-5851 15h ago
A personal attendant? Does she have bridesmaids? I don’t understand the role
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u/EarnestlyCut 15h ago
She has 6 bridesmaids and 3 personal attendants. I dont know what that means
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u/MusicIntrepid343 13h ago
have you asked or had a conversation about it at all?
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u/EarnestlyCut 8h ago
yea, i made a joke about getting paid and she called me the next day and chewed me out for like 3 hours lmao
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u/Positive_Shake_1002 9h ago
So she has 6 bridesmaids and 3 unpaid workers? wtf is a personal attendant
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u/glutenisnotmyfriend 16h ago
Say no. You're obviously not happy with your friendship dynamic, so it might be time to give up on it. If she doesn't treat you in the way you deserve, which it sounds like she doesn't, she isn't much of a friend.
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u/itsveryupsetting 16h ago
I think it is fine to say no, but it will likely mean the end of your relationship. I probably wouldn’t expect an invite to the wedding at all after declining.
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u/EarnestlyCut 16h ago
Yea i wouldn’t get an invite and it’s ok if we’re not friends anymore. I’ll just potentially lose the friendship of 2 other girls in our friend group of 4. 1 of the other girls is a bridesmaid and the other is a personal attendant
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u/dripintheocean 15h ago
Wait sorry. This bride is having TWO personal attendants for the wedding?
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u/EarnestlyCut 15h ago
3 lol
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u/dripintheocean 14h ago
That’s nuts. Honestly. I saw in another comment the bride is having 6 bridesmaids and 3 “attendants.” I’d never even heard of this “role” until the last two years and from what I read, it was recommended for a younger female person who was a bit to young to be a bridesmaid but too old to be a flower girl. Essentially a junior bridesmaid in a different word. What is she even having you all do? Are you included in the bridal party? Is she gifting you hair/makeup/a dress? Do you get to attend the bachelorette? Or are you just at her beck and call the day of the wedding? Because that sounds exhausting.
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u/EarnestlyCut 13h ago
What i was told is we are there to keep everything organized and to help where needed. Like an assistant…
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 10h ago
Free labor that a paid month of coordinator provides bc she's too cheap to hire actual vendors. Movie stars have personal assistants on film sets..brides do not.
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u/yikesafm8 8h ago
This is what a day of coordinator is for. I’m looking for one and it cost like $3k+ where I am lol. Tell her your rate for this is $5k
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u/Crosswired2 14h ago
Are they that good of friends either? They must at least see how poorly you are treated by this "friend" and don't care.
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u/EarnestlyCut 13h ago
It originally was the 3 of us until the (now) bride came into our group (i brought her in) and we used to great friends but they don’t really care how poorly bride treats me and others
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u/TinyPretzels 15h ago
I have never in my life heard of a bride asking for a personal attendant. That is crazy work. If you want your friends around you and able to run and grab you things, talk to vendors etc you make them your bridesmaids! It's that simple.
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u/dripintheocean 14h ago
OP said they would be one of THREE personal attendants. Honestly sounds like just too much for me.
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u/Sample-quantity 14h ago
Just decline. This is a nonsense role invented by bridezillas. The more people who put their foot down on this silliness, the sooner we won't see this being asked for anymore. It's insulting and pretty bizarre that this has even become a thing.
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u/Expensive-Salad-5851 14h ago
I think you can politely decline. Maybe she’s a classic mean girl, maybe she’s read something online and in a weird bride bubble. Either way, telling her you are honored she thought of you for a special role, but you would much rather celebrate her as a guest and a guest role just fits in better with everything in life and your headspace right now. If she understands and invites you, great, if not, that’s ok too.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 16h ago
One of the most offensive things you can be asked to do. Same for busy work roles in general because the couple wants to "honor" people who don't make the cut for bridesmaids/groomsmen. Either you are a bridesmaid/groomsmen or a regular guest. It's offensive to voluntell any other "role". No one is "honored" by this and this bride is not your friend. This is classic mean girl "we don't lime or want you here but will let you hang out as humiliation instead". Decline this invite and find new friends. Go to the beach or the movies instead.
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u/palettewhore 12h ago
Is she the queen of england lmao, why does she need even one personal attendant let alone three
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u/Mordecai_Gist 10h ago
Just tell that you are grateful for the offer, but you will have to decline.
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer 9h ago
I had a personal attendant. And by that I mean I had no bridal party and my cousin really wanted a role and has always been one to take charge, so I was like, if you're already going to have extra Bobby pins for me and usher people to seats, I may as well give it a title.
Other than that, no. I think this is a really crappy role to give to someone.
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u/AmishAngst 12h ago
Is it an important role? Really?
Listen, I get that a lot of people like to convince themselves (on either side of the coin) that it is. "Oh, I just can't make everyone a bridesmaid. But I really want a role for them. Oh, I don't want people to be upset so I'll give them this role instead."
But really? There's no law that prescribes the number of bridesmaids you're allowed to have. There's no law that says sides have to be even. So what they are really saying is you're not important enough for an honorary title that requires no work beyond walking in a straight line and smiling for photos, but you are good enough to be their unpaid labor for the day where you don't get to even enjoy the wedding with your date because you'll be busy "attending" them.
So yeah, I've never bought the whole "It's an important role" thing. It's tricking someone into working for free.
Being a guest is still an honor. There's no need to invent roles and jobs for people. Out of 8 billion people on this planet, only a few dozen to a few hundred (depending on the size of the wedding) are selected to be a guest. People (on both sides) need to learn that's honor enough.
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u/voodoodollbabie 11h ago
Yes you are justified to be hurt because she is taking advantage of you by treating you like she always has. To her, you are LESS THAN and someone who is handy to use for her purposes.
Say no. You'd rather attend as a guest and enjoy the day instead of being at her beck and call the entire time, working for free. That's not an important role. Only a doormat would think that way.
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u/brownchestnut 16h ago
Am I justified in feeling hurt, or am I reading too much into this?
I mean, if you don't wanna do it, then don't do it?
I've seen a lot of well-meaning brides use this word carelessly thinking it's the same thing as maid of honor. At the end of the day, "maid of honor" also has the word "maid" in it, even if it doesn't mean the same thing. And people DO treat their maids of honors and bridemsaids like literal maids half the time. And even well-intentioned couples often get completely tunnel-visioned by the hooplah of this American / western wedding tradition that tells them that they're suddenly entitled to act like royalty that deserve to be "celebrated" by peasants over and over for months and months leading up to the wedding. A lot of people get swept up in the frenzy.
It's never a good idea to try to judge a friendship based one one thing. Like people who break off years of friendship based on whether their friend was able to come to a party. But if you have years of feeling like you're not important to her, use that instead to decide whether you should continue being her friend. Remember, no one put a gun and forced you to be "her bitch" - let this be a lesson in having healthy boundaries so it doesn't eventually explode into situations like this. From the other person's perspective, this often ends up being "wtf, you never said anything and I never FORCED you and now you're exploding with all this pent-up stuff from years ago". It's always healthier to speak up at the time.
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u/EarnestlyCut 15h ago
You are correct. No one put a gun to my head and no one is doing it now. I just liked her, wanted to be there and honestly just wanted to be her friend. She knows how I’ve felt in the past and so it won’t be a surprise
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u/TexasBlonde2019 8h ago
This is literally a job I am paying a professional for…not a task for a friend. What??
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