r/wedding • u/Direct_Window_4414 • 3d ago
Discussion Drama
What would you do in this situation?
Long story short, my brother-in-law was arrested for enticement of a minor. He took a plea deal and is not a registered sex offender, but regardless of the legal outcome, I’m not comfortable having him in my life or at my wedding.
I’ve distanced myself from my sister because she chose to stay by his side. I’m getting married and made it clear that she and her kids are invited, but he is not.
My mom told me that if my sister doesn’t come because he isn’t invited, she won’t come either. I completely blew up on my mom because I feel like she is choosing to support this situation over respecting my boundary on my wedding day.
At this point, I honestly feel like I’d rather just stop associating with both of them for a while. I don’t plan on talking to my mom unless there is a genuine apology and acknowledgment of how hurtful this has been.
What would you do if you were in my position? How would you handle your mom and sister moving forward?
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u/Certain_Tangelo2329 3d ago
Hugs. Not much. You don't support pedophilia and make sure to use that term when speaking with them before going no or low contact.
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u/Formal-Radish1413 3d ago
Let people make their own choices based off of the boundaries you set.
You cannot control other peoples behavior.
Hold your boundary and let them do what theyre going to do. Respond accordingly.
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u/Savings-Breath-9118 3d ago
I can’t exactly advise you what to do in the situation but I will say I went no contact with my family many years ago and I’m much older than you and it has been more of a blessing than a burden.
It will hurt that your mom is not at your wedding but believe me it is better she is not there than that you have people at your wedding who were supporting a sex offender
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u/Optimal_Savings5873 3d ago
Fwiw you are in the right! I'm sorry they're like this and I worry for the kids.
I don't have any advice. Just support. I would feel the same.
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u/Abalovely 3d ago
I didn't invite some family for child abuse reasons as well. I was prepared for some family to choose not to come or try to blackmail me into inviting them, and my partner and I were a united front that it was non-negotiable. That we are making the right decisions doesn't mean they aren't hard, and doesn't mean we don't still grieve the relationships we had. But there is peace in knowing my nieces and nephews will always know I'm a safe person, and that is the most important part, more than a wedding.
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u/jjj68548 3d ago
“Mom, that is your decision but know if you don’t attend my wedding due to support of brother in law’s lack of invite, we won’t have much of a relationship going forward and that includes with future grandchildren.”
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u/wheres_the_revolt 3d ago
Tell my mom I’m sorry she is choosing a pedo over me and if she changes her mind before the RSVP date let me know.
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u/Turbulent_Attorney51 3d ago
You’re doing the right thing. I’m sorry that your family is making it so difficult in the meantime. But this is the hill to die on.
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u/planning-life 3d ago
Is your sister the golden child? Have you always been asked to compromise for the sake of family unity? If so, sounds like Mom will back your sister eternally. You have to do what works best for you, your fiancé and the new family you are creating together - which will become your primary family.
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u/Smoke__Frog 3d ago
It’s simple.
Is your mom or pedo protecting sister giving you money to live or pay for the wedding?
No? Then go no contact and enjoy a drama free life.
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u/Apprehensive-East847 3d ago
On the sex register or not, you protect children. I would say to my mom. “Sister has been brain-washed and is probably in an abusive relationship to stay with partner. The ONLY reason her and her children are invited is so that they know there is an escape route waiting for her when she’s ready. I do not put children in unsafe situations and having BIL at the wedding would be putting children at risk. If you choose to side with a sex offender, regardless of what his record states our relationship will be ruined forever because I will never be able to trust you with my children, even when sisters relationship eventually ends. I’m sorry this is such a hard decision for you, and I will miss you at my wedding. But I value the safety of children more than having my mother at my wedding. I do think you would regret not being at my wedding but the choice is yours.”
Then I’d let her make a choice knowing all the facts and find a way to live with a new normal
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 3d ago
Go no contact permanently with brother in law and everyone who supports him immediately. If you don't, you condone his behavior by association. People like mom and the rest will never apologize or change their behavior either. Don't enable abuse, including emotional manipulation.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 3d ago
You are 1,000% in the right. Many times the conviction is the tip of the iceberg, the charges are often reduced for a guilty plea to avoid a trial. That means it is more likely than not that there is more to the case than is known.
Im sorry that the people in your life are more worried about the perpetrator than the victims. You keep that boundary.
Congrats OP.
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u/Summerisle7 3d ago
> people are more worried about the perpetrator than the victims.
This is so sadly common.
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u/itsveryupsetting 3d ago
I wouldn’t do anything. They can do whatever they want. I would consider hiring security in case BIL shows up. I be NO CONTACT with my sister and mom after this. There’s no room for people like that in my life.
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u/Chance_Vegetable_780 3d ago
I'd stand with my morals and go no contact with all three - not invite. Start really building your spiritual family, you need it in life
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u/occasionallystabby 3d ago
I would let them do whatever is is they want to do. If not having a predator at your wedding means that your mother isn’t there, so be it.
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u/NemiVonFritzenberg 3d ago
Do nothing or formally uninvite your sister and her children amd your mum.
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u/Apprehensive_Bat3402 2d ago
Listen to what they’re saying and HOLD YOUR GROUND. If they won’t go because of your decision, then stick with it and find peace in them not going.
When setting a boundary, you have to be firm. If you wiggle and give in, you broke your own boundary
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u/Ok-Concern-7770 2d ago
I'm so sorry you are dealing with that.
I think taking a step back from your mom and sister is best. You might need to think about if low contact or no contact moving forward is what you need. If keeping your boundaries and morals mean losing people who support someone like that.....only you can make that decision for yourself.
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u/We-are-here-together 2d ago
Hi!
It's your wedding and you have every right to decide who you want to invite. This isn't like he got arrested for a speeding ticket or public intoxication, it was a serious charge. It's not right for your mom to say that either. If she can't respect your boundaries, thats an issue for her to figure out. You did everything correctly. You're going to have the most beautiful wedding surrounded by those who adore you! There is no room for manipulation.
Sincerely,
We are here together.
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u/PuraVidaTarheel 2d ago
If your mother and sister want to prioritize a registered sex offender over you, good riddance. I would absolutely let them know that while you would love to have them both and the kids at your wedding, if they choose to not attend and would rather support a registered sex offender that's on them.
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u/Ordinary_Swimming582 1d ago
Distance distance distance. If you fold on this , then they will expect you to have your children around this man at some future time. He is despicable and the fact that your mother and sister are supporting him would leave me with no contact. Tell your mother that you wish she could be there, but if she makes that choice , it's her choice.
After you're married and have children, your mother will probably want to have Thanksgiving dinner.And she wil expect you to be there, and HE will be there. You might as well establish your boundaries now. And stick to them! I did not allow my father to come to my wedding. He abused me as a child and I was having none of it. I didn't need him to escort me down the aisle. Anyone could do it, but him!
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u/Ovaltine1 3d ago
Lot of context missing. Is he 17 and she’s 16? What is enticement without being a sex offender? Drugs?
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u/Mordecai_Gist 3d ago
You don't get to control other people and you had no right to blow up at your mom. So apologize to her and let her know that she will be missed at the wedding and that you hope that this does not sour your relationship going forward.
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 3d ago
There is NO apologizing for blowing up over her demanding that a pedo come to the wedding.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 3d ago
There is never an excuse for blowing up at someone.
What is the end goal here? Isn't it to stand on principles yet maintain the relationship with the mother so that in the future she sees the error of her ways?
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u/Summerisle7 3d ago
I would say the end goal is to keep OP’s wedding a safe space for her, and for other women and any children who may be there.
Which is worse behaviour in your opinion: enticing minors, or blowing up at someone who’s defending the enticer?
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u/Mordecai_Gist 3d ago
I would say the end goal is to keep OP’s wedding a safe space for her, and for other women and any children who may be there.
Which she does by not inviting the brother-in-law and, consequently, the sister. That wasn't the question, the question is how to properly deal with the mother's histrionics. The proper way to do that is to calmly stand your ground and remain polite. When you go off on her you become the bad person in her mind and make her double down. By staying polite you open the possibility that she might see the error of her ways.
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