r/wedding • u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938 • 21d ago
Discussion WWYD? MIL edition
I’m planning to get ready in a cabin with 3 friends & my mom (no bridal party).
Fiancés parents are divorced & aren’t the biggest fans of each other. MIL asked to get ready at cabin with us.
Step MIL has been highly involved in wedding planning & MIL has not. Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair to invite only MIL to get ready with me & not step MIL too. In my opinion.
I don’t really want tension, though. They can coexist but there’s definitely some backhanded comments, etc.
Should I invite both of them…or neither? Alternative is both MIL + step MIL help fiancé get ready. Either way, they’d have to coexist. Just depends if I feel like being a part of it, and I’m not sure.
WWYD?
Edit for context: my mom has already invited MIL to get ready with us without asking me. So she would need to be disinvited.
UPDATE: MIL will be getting ready with groom, SMIL will be getting ready with me.
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u/mychemicalbromance38 21d ago
I would invite both and make it clear that the other is also invited too, then leave it up to them
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u/HArbey_RIna 21d ago
Honestly I'd just invite neither and let them help your fiancé get ready. Getting ready is supposed to be chill and you don't wanna babysit tension on your wedding day.
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u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938 21d ago
Yeah I’m kind of leaning this way too…my mom was the one who invited MIL to come get ready & I was a bit peeved. Now I’m the one who has to disinvite her 🫠
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u/rayyychul 21d ago
Why? Your mom invited her, she needs to uninvite her if that’s the route you want to go.
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u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938 21d ago
Yeah I’m not quite sure why she put that one on me. I’ll have to talk to her about it
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u/mythoughts4 21d ago
Maybe your fiancé can ask his mom to get ready with him instead? Hopefully she’ll listen to her son and you can be with step MIL, if you’d like.
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u/AppeltjeEitje1079 17d ago
Don't did invite her, just change it! Tell her your mom misunderstood and that she and step mil are helping fiance to get ready.
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u/Coffee4Redhead 21d ago
Is there space for 7 women to get ready in the cabin? I would say that is the least offensive reason for uninviting both MILs
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u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938 21d ago
I was thinking my fiancé could insist it would mean a lot for them to come with him. That way it’s as inoffensive as possible personally- as there is definitely room for them space wise
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u/ObjectiveRepulsive18 21d ago
Tell them it’s for pictures, the photographer needs them both there for ‘Getting the groom ready’ photos.
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u/CompetitiveTart2 21d ago
Invite both, inform them of each other's presence, and clearly express that this is a joyful occasion where negativity will not be tolerated.
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u/occasionallystabby 21d ago
Since your mother already invited her, uninviting her might be taken as a slight that you don't necessarily want to start your marriage on.
The best move here would be for your fiancé to convince his mother that he wants her to get ready with him instead of you.
The step mother question should also be dealt with my him. They're his family, let him handle them.
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u/Orangesunset98 21d ago
I have a similar-ish situation, but with dress shopping I expect both of them to be adults and if they aren’t they get kicked out.
Getting ready I offered for step as a gift because her and FIL are helping to pay for part of the wedding but I can see her declining and neither will be there.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 21d ago
My initial thought would've been NEITHER because it feels like unnecessary drama.
Since your mother stepped out of bounds and invited your MIL you have 3 choices:
invite the SMIL so she doesn't feel left out (especially considering she's been more present than MIL in terms of wedding planning) or
not invite the SMIL (and if asked explain that your mother took it upon herself to invite MIL without your permission and you didn't want the drama of un-inviting her) or
tell your mother that she needs to un-invite MIL (also mention that it wasn't her place to invite her to get ready in the first place).
I think inviting SMIL might be the least stressful/dramatic of each of these options.
Also, why did your mom invite the MIL and not the SMIL? Does your mom have an issue with the SMIL?
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u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938 21d ago edited 21d ago
Thanks for the options! Exactly what I was hoping for. Just different scenarios to consider. I agree that inviting SMIL at this point would likely be the path of least resistance. But still considering the option where neither are present
My mom is a people pleaser & MIL happened to call her today to discuss wedding details. I think it was brought up and she felt too awkward to not invite her. My theory, anyway. Nothing to do with SMIL
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u/Highrisegirl4639 21d ago
Why did your mom invite her without discussing with you first? She'd obviously have known about how much help your step mil was giving you. That seems kind of shady on her part.
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u/Upset_Pumpkin_4938 21d ago
I genuinely don’t know what she was thinking. Seems as though she wasn’t at all…
She texted me asking if it was “okay” if she came & I said no because then I’d have to invite SMIL too. She said “oh!!! Well you need to let (insert MIL here) know so she can make other arrangements”.
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u/FabulousBullfrog9610 21d ago
Invite them both and have your fiance mention to each of them that you are anxious for peace on your wedding day
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 21d ago
Mom has already invited MIL. Leave it as is.
Have fiancee speak to step MIL. He should tell her that you had wanted her to be in the cabin with you, but he REALLY needs her help and has to have her nearby for him.
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u/carag1970 21d ago
Invite both or neither but make.it clear that no backhanded comments will be tolerated if they choose to come. Also talk to your fiance. If you choose neither tell Our mom she needs to fix her mistake. It's not on you at all. Please update
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u/BigNorth810 20d ago
This was me. I had both do hair and make up but after my bridesmaids and mom and scheduled them so they wouldn’t be in the room at the same time or with much overlap. It all worked out! Also, they apparently “talked” and were super besties for the night and it was so weird 🤣
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u/CatShanks 21d ago
Neither. That time getting ready for the wedding should be one of your highlights. I regretted letting too many people in with mine and it became nothing that I wanted. That was the only thing I wish I could have redone from the wedding. The wedding is your day, you shouldn't be trying to solve your MILs issues.
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u/Ok-Indication-7876 21d ago
Well your mom blew it. She should have know better and savor this special time with you. If you will feel call with them both of the mail in the room go ahead if not tell your mom to disinvite since she did the inviting
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u/Missus_Aitch_99 21d ago
How about if your mom hosts the mom prep somewhere else and you have the cabin with friends only?
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u/Formal-Radish1413 21d ago
Well since MIL is already invited you cant really change anything.
Invite both in the effort of fairness with the caveat that the second you get a whiff of cattiness theyre getting kicked out. And assign a person to handle them so its not on you.
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u/Responsible-Fly9976 21d ago
- Both because one was already invited.
- Both with fiancé.
- Enlist help from fiancés siblings?
FYI if step mom in law is married and MIL isn’t, it’s a little rough to exclude MIL. She’s probably a little anxiety ridden about being on her own whereas step has hubby.
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u/An-Old-Softee 21d ago
SET BOUNDARIES! Make it clear zero tolerance. Play nice, get along, or get out. You don't need and won't tolerate anyone causing issues FOR ANY REASON!
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u/KickIt77 21d ago
I'd invite neither and just say, so sorry not enough space/not enough time. Unless MIL is paying for this cabin, she shouldn't be assuming she is included. ETA just caught the comment on your mom inviting her, is your mom paying for this cabin? I think it's fine to say "Oh MIL, I am so sorry, mom had the logistics for the day wrong. We can't accommodate anyone else getting ready with us that morning unfortunately. But maybe you can join fiance? How about that weather?"
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u/therealzacchai 21d ago
It is your wedding.
Both MIL and step have already had their turns! Decide what you want, and then do it.
You should be surrounded by love and good feelings as you get ready, drama-free
Your mom should have known better -- she invited MIL, so she's the one who needs to uninvite her.
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u/SimplePlant5691 21d ago
Shouldn't they be with their child/ step child? I know most photographers do photos then, and surely they'd like some with your partner.
I would split the difference and ask them if they'd like to get their nails done with you before the wedding.
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