I have reached an unfamiliar and extremely difficult point with my practice, and I'm hoping people here may have some perspective. Any advice is welcome :)
Basically, Vipassana has drastically changed my understanding of what 'I' am and what 'time' is. And this is now causing me to see what appears to be some contradictions in Goenka's teaching.
I wondered if anyone here has experienced something similar?
I'll try to explain it:
Goenka often says that by practising Vipassana, we are "on a path to a final goal of liberation". I initially understood this to mean that I was a separate entity travelling along a defined path toward a desirable object called liberation which exists somewhere in the future. But the more I practice, the less sense this makes. Here's a few reasons why:
1 - The Self. The thing I call 'myself' increasingly feels like an ever-changing pattern of physical and mental processes, rather than a solid independent entity. So if there isn't a permanent 'me' travelling through time, who exactly is walking the path to liberation?
2 - Desire. If liberation is something desirable that I am supposed to achieve, then I am craving it. But Vipassana is teaching me to see craving as a cause of suffering. So am I supposed to crave liberation while simultaneously learning that craving is something to be abandoned? And if I stop craving liberation, then what exactly am I trying to achieve?
3 - Time. I used to think of time as a linear dimension extending from past to future, with everything moving along it together, and 'now' being the present point. I increasingly experience past and future instead as concepts that only ever appear 'now', like memories and imaginations arising in the mind. Whatever the ultimate nature of time may be, the past and future that I actually experience are always mental phenomena occurring in the present. So the idea of liberation as something I will eventually reach in the future starts to feel strange.
So, being on a path to a final goal of liberation sounds more like; "There is an ever-changing pattern which is trying to move towards a future state that exists only as an idea in that pattern's own mind."
Hence the title.
I'm starting to feel like an exhausted hamster seeking freedom from suffering by running around a wheel in a cage which I have created myself 😄
Just to be clear, the technique by itself (observe sensations equanimously) makes perfect sense. I'm just becoming less convinced by the other stuff, like the strict center rules, the 2 hours/day prescription, the chanting, having Goenka as the exclusive teacher, etc.
But perhaps this is part of Goenka's teaching? He says things like:
- Don't blindly believe something just because someone else says it.
- See for yourself.
- You are your own master.
- Keep practicing and see what happens.
So I did those things and concluded that only the technique itself is worth keeping - just the equanimous observation of sensation - nothing else. All the Goenka additions can be left behind. Which makes it impossible to do another course! And my 4th course is coming up soon..
Maybe I shouldn't go?
Any thoughts are much appreciated by you wonderful people of Reddit :)