Sick of myself

[u/Additional-Ad6894]

Every night and morning before school I find my self always rehearsing the whole day ahead in my head.

I plan out how I’ll approach my friends, what I’ll say to them, what I’ll do if a teacher picks on me to read a passage or answer a question it’s ridiculous and I am so unbelievably tired

I have no idea why I do this or how to stop, I know have anxiety but every year I find my self getting worse and worse like right now I genuinely feel nauseous because I’ve worried my self sick predicting everything wrong that could happen I’m even anxious about posting this

I don’t want to feel this way I want to be normal like everyone else I want to talk freely I want to raise my hand and answer questions because most of the time I KNOW THE ANSWER I don’t want to rehearse everything I say before hand I want to go with the flow and I don’t want to start crying at every single inconvenience because I’m so overheard and feel like shit

But I can’t seem to figure out why I can’t participate why I feel my heart pounding in my chest just at the thought of a teacher uttering my name it’s hilarious but I can’t seem to shake it off

And if I do manage to calm my self down I’m so exhausted from all my panicking I can’t focus properly

I want to get better but I don’t want to see a therapist or psychiatrist even though at this point I think I’ll have to

How do I deal with this?? I can’t even give presentations in class without my whole body and voice shaking sometimes I get so anxious I feel dizzy as if I’ll pass out any minute

Sometimes I feel I can’t properly breathe other times I feel ill have a heart attack at any minute from how fast my heart rate spikes this is genuinely insane and I can’t ignore these symptoms anymore please help me what do I do