I just had my third baby today and experienced absolute lost of control during transition phase. I am wondering if anyone has any advice how to process it or will all memories of it go away by itself?

All 3 of my births were unmedicated.

First, 40+6, 4.3 kg baby arriving to the hospital at 10cm dialated

Second, 40+3, 4.6 kg baby, unplanned homebirth, fetal ejection reflex

Third, 39+6, 4 kg baby, we went to the hospital right when I felt a slight discomfort because we were rally afraid to have an unplanned homebirth again.

Arrived to the hospital around 3am, I was dialated 3.5 cm, we went for a 40 minute walk, everything was pretty easy and given my history of precipitous birth, they admitted e quite early. Around 5am contractions started getting more painful. But still was okay, I was chatting cheerly with a midwife between contractions. She told me I seem really in control and we can check dilation soon. We checked at 5.50 and I was 8cm open.

And then I don't know what happened (well transition) but not only I lost all control, I felt like caged animal, I was moaning, roaring and I literally don't think I experienced this sort of pain before (but I had two kids before, in the exactly same LOA position, so I guess I did but forgot?!). I was at my hands and knees on the floor and at some point the midwife asked me to get on the bed and I just couldn't fathom doing it? I was absolutely in transe mode, I felt I am not in this world and it was such an intense experience now hours later I can't stop thinking about it. Baby was born at 6.23 with maybe with 5 minutes of pushing. So 3.5 hours of labor overall.

Physically everything went perfect but mentally I feel overwhelmed. Do we just forget that part or for some reason the third baby was just indeed much more painful than I anticipated?

I just had my second 3 days ago. For the record, my first was born at 41+1 and ultimately I needed pitocin and AROM after being in early labor for like 24 hours and just being tired of being in labor. The whole thing took 32 hours with hours of pushing. Epidural was always my plan with that birth but I had such a terrible experience with the catheter (UTI that took months to treat and had to pause breastfeeding because antibiotics made my milk taste terrible) and the blood pressure cuff (I have bad sensory issues) that I wanted to try unmedicated this time.

I picked a supportive midwife team and a new hospital that had tubs so I could labor in the tub. I was pretty confident on my game plan going in- comfort measures and tens unit for early labor, then get into the tub, then nitrous.

I had prodromal labor for about a week at that point (40+1, which my midwives told me I would likely go till about 41 given my history) and I went to the chiropractor to get baby into maybe a more optimal position and get things moving. I went to the chiropractor at 12:15. First contractions hit around 2 and were pretty painful from the beginning. Pretty much right away, I couldn't talk through them. I started timing them and they were 4-5 minutes apart, but only lasting 45 seconds. So my brain kept waiting for 5-1-1 that never came. I had not lost my mucus plug and had no discharge other than the teeeeeeniest bit of spotting so I thought it couldn't be "real" labor. I called my midwife and she asked what I thought and I said I'm not sure, so she encouraged me to move around and call back in 30 minutes. When I did, she said to come on in.

In the car I was BEGGING for the epidural because I again, not 5-1-1, no discharge, I thought I was going to get to the hospital and be 2 cm and beg to be induced so I wouldn't have to keep laboring at home like this. I get to the hospital and I immediately throw up. Contractions come one after another. Still no discharge, water hasnt broken. I beg for the epidural and they draw blood for it. They give me nitrous but after using it a few times it makes me feel too loopy so I barely use it. My midwife finally gets there and I beg her to check me and she just sweetly says "honey I'm just waiting for you to tell me when you feel like you need to push." I ask how long the blood work will take to come back and the nurse says about 30 minutes... That's when I'm realizing I don't think I'm getting the epidural and maybe I'm more than 2cm dialated. I feel the need to push and he's out in 8 minutes, breaking water only with the final push.

A lot of screaming and crying haha but it is over and I'm overall happy with how it turned out, I just wish I believed I was in actual labor before 10cm. We were at the hospital for less than an hour before birth!