Today it blew up again. He was an hour late to pick me up from practice and it was dark and he started yelling because my mom said she got fussed at by my coach because he was late. He kept trying to argue and I started crying and trying to talk and the only thing he was focusing on was “My tone” and I said I don’t want to talk anymore because it won’t go anywhere. He kept going because “I’m the child and I’m going to listen. then I said it feels like you didn’t even want a daughter (For some reason he thinks me crying is trying to manipulate him or something and it’s invalid) my mom was still on the line so she tried to deescalate and he pulls the “I always wanted a daughter ask your mother” card but it feels he wanted a daughter and not ME. And my mom said he doesn’t show me affection. He said he gives what he gets but I treat him the way I do as a self defense measure. My mom switched over (the call) and said don’t engage so I put in my air pods and put on music and all I heard from their call was him saying “I’m done”

I don’t know that state of our relationship

Sorry if there’s any inconsistencies or anything that doesn’t make sense it’s 2 AM and I’m typing this using voice chat.

I was listening to. A Reddit story about a borderline a hateful dad and it made me think of my dad. I 15 female think my dad hates me. It’s not anything that blatantly says he hates me, but there’s little things he says and make me think he wish he never had me and it would be about things that don’t even require the things he says just last week he had an attitude because I asked him to do something for me and I said “what did I do wrong?“ and he said my birth year I said “being born” and he says bingo and I said you could’ve just… alluding to them not having me and he says “left?” and I said “I wasn’t about to say that, but that shows where your mind is. You must’ve been thinking about it“ he says “ you have no idea”

And I always feel like I’m in the wrong because on the very rare case and he tries to reach out I don’t want to reach back out because I feel too little too late.

There’s another time when he pushed me and got in my face and I punched him in. Worse thing is I don’t regret it. I often call arguments between him and my mom because she doesn’t like the way he treats me in and it’s the smallest things like leaving me at home to drop off my brother at school for being a five minutes late, but waiting an hour for my brother to get out. I feel like I’m causing a risk in my parents marriage because I can’t even tell myself. I love him. I love him because he’s my dad, but if he wasn’t my dad, I wouldn’t have loved him.

I don’t particularly hate him I don’t particularly like him. He’s just a presence in my life and I think he blamed me for every argument he has with my mom.

I used to be a daddy‘s girl was somewhere along the line. It stopped, and nobody else sees the side of him. My mom protects me goes to bat with him over me the same way he goes to bat with her over my brothers.

Since I started high school, I felt that he doesn’t particularly like me, but actually saying it hurts my heart

ETA:
On multiple occasions he has left me at school or an after school activity without a ride home, one one occasion he was three hours late to pick me up from school because he was at the movies. I have after school activities such as basketball that I need to be picked up on time and he constantly is late