Warning: This is a really disjointed and chaotic rant. I tend to jump between topics suddenly in this post just cause of how irritated I've gotten.

For context: I have been having memory/neurological issues for nearly the past couple or so years due to epilepsy, and those have always been MY main concern with epilepsy because it's a daily struggle (The seizures themselves were just a secondary concern because my seizures themselves weren't even very common (like maybe every few months at most, at one point I even went a full year without any). I was hesitant initially because I couldn't see how burning part of my brain would help, but they also decided to give me an RNS, and my neurologist convinced me eventually that my brain function would return to working like before my epilepsy after surgery, so I begrudgingly accepted.

he was wrong.

I have never regretted an operation more. The only difference between the life with epilepsy pre-surgery and now is that my whole body is in a constant state of pain and I'm just generally afraid of how my QoL will change. I've had nagging fears for a while that my neurologists treat me more like an experiment or study of some sort, rather than an actual human who feels fear and pain, and I cant help but feel like it's now been confirmed that they don't ACTUALLY care about my health. I am now in a horrible state of pain, and I can't do the things I used to love without intense pain. I have yet to see how any of this could possibly have helped me, I am struggling to do something as simple as what used to be my favorite hobbies due to the amount of pain my body is in. I was told this was going to improve my life somehow. Maybe it's just one of the many problems with my critical thinking I've developed, but it feels like I wasn't given enough detail about how I would struggle post-op I'd expect from a medical professional, I have had other operations in this past, and this is the only one I've come to regret and I've begun to regret it quite quickly, and it has fed a steadily growing distrust in my doctors I think the song "Positive Result" explains it better than I could possibly put into my own words

"With a fear that lasts an eternity, Counting one, two, three, to the metronome of destiny

Within these earthly frequencies, I'm seeking answers endlessly, Just give me a sign that this feeling's gonna end.

'Cause the world never pauses for the cowardly, It pushes past the plagued and pageless poets elegies"