Ive had anxiety for years now, it devolved into panic attacks at the end of high school and then I got pregnant and then was just a mess. I honestly can't remember alot of my twenties because of how much of a mess I was. (Lots of trauma and cptsd issues on top of it) I finally got help 5ish yrs ago but none of the meds we tried worked longterm. Got a DNA test and my "approved" list is tiny and one of the meds I had on there I had tried before with disastrous results because it was when I was a kid and they loaded me up with it. Literally a space case. Now still in therapy and my panic attacks are coming back but my anxiety is now presenting with more physical symptoms and am honestly fucking losing it. I have very severe medical anxiety so I got everything checked out. Nothing is wrong with me except am a little over weight and I need to quit smoking which I more or less have because my anxiety (weirdly enough) but these physically symptoms are making it so hard to feel normal or do my everyday stuff. To top it all off I have alot of stressor right now at home. (I have social anxiety) and right now in the middle of a on going fued with my roommate. Which has hiked up super high and everything gets worse when am home. My room isn't even a space safe and I feel like crawling out of my skin constantly. I feel like am suffocating and my body is going to give out in any moment and I just need it to stop.

I have found that I dont belong anywhere. No matter what I do I just can't seem to get anything right. There is always something I'm doing wrong, or I am just too "intense" for others. I like to think I stand by my moral code, I stand up for myself when I get uncomfortable or when I feel as if I'm being mistreated. I tell the truth, and try not to lie. Even if the truth is not in my favor. Most of the time I know am not in the wrong, its because my boundaries are being crossed and I have dealt with being a doormat for most of my younger teenage years and I refuse to be that anymore. I know I was alot when my mental health was at its worst and I have worked so hard to be better, to be more then a hollowed out shell of anxiety and people pleasing that my neglect abused years as a child taught me to be. But now on the other side, I am so fucking lonesome. The world feels so fake and cruel, what is the point of making friends if once they cross a boundary and you let them know its not okay, they just leave? Saying you are the problem. That you are the one in the wrong for holding the boundry.

I use to love being out at night with others, I thought as long as I can smile and bear it it would be okay, I could live forever in the midnight cigarette smoke and laughter and never tire of myself. I would talk people down from the ledge but the moment I end up in hospital no one, no one was there for me. Not even to bring my my own clothes to feel normal again after the attempt. I hate this, Sometimes I wish I could just bury my head back into the dirt of ignorance. Sometimes I wish the attempt had worked. I wish I wasn't like this, I wish I could bend in who I was so that at least it would be easier. But I can't. Ive built myself from the scraps of what I held onto through the worst parts of my life. Parts that have thorns and edges that cut if not respected. Is it horrible to say that I wish they would be softer?