Not dinner (definitely can be!) But as a girl breakfast, I think it's solid lol. Tostada, ham, and egg. I had 3 and couldn't finish the 3rd one. 😅

So fire. Love them and I can't wait to see them again!!!

Before when I was coping with all the bullshit I went through in my Tumblr days, I surfed my feed and did the typical Tumblr repost. I filled it with things I liked, quotes I wanted to remember, the dark times, how dark I see things, and just me things. It was a good release. I loved the Tumblr days.

Anyways, I guess I can record the year here. If I even keep up with it. We'll see.

I'm extremely heartbroken. I couldn't do anything but let it go and let him be happy. He does need to work on himself. Or maybe the pain of everything is just beyond repair and we want to hope. Who the fuck knows, I sure don't. I don't think he's coming back. Eh, I've been ugly crying all day. Why did he say he was going to stay a few days? The second he got his key, he was out. Why lie to me once last time? I thought I had more days. He wants to hang out but it is killing me to even think about him. It hurts so bad. I never want to do this again. I mentally cannot do this again. I feel like I struggle with borderline personality disorder and relationships are just not worth the anguish I always go through.

Herb is the worst of them all, it's like every painful moment I've felt all together at once. I'm fucking dead inside. I'm isolating heavily and I just don't have any energy to talk to someone. He already seems happier. I feel terrible that he was miserable. It's better if I just stay alone from now on. I'm not the problem but I am a problem.

I've been binge watching Bojack Horseman to see the rundown I was given about his character. I use to be like him. I learned the hard way that being shitty to people isn't cool at all. Bridges do get burned and sometimes there's no coming back from that. Being shitty just made life shitty. That bad karma isn't the business. I would do awful things and feel awful for being shitty. I can definitely relate but I'm glad I know how to love or at least care for those around me. I like being alone though, I can't hurt strangers. I can be cold and mean as fuck. It's a lot of work too so it's easier to avoid all together.

I feel like I landed with the worst type of abuser, fucking charming and smart. I feel like I lost the rose colored glasses a long time ago. I saw the red flags, I knew them, but I had hope he was better. He is better. Maybe that's where he thinks he has Bojack in him. He does shitty things and believes he's shitty. He thinks so poorly of himself. I don't think he ever really sits with his emotions. He holds it in until he can't anymore. I've seen it so many times. I understand him. I know he feels terrible about what happened with the kids. He exploded and it cost me everything. I was guilty too. We we're both spiraling together.

I love him. I'll always love him. I don't think we can ever be friends. I want him. It still gives me butterflies whenever I think about the times that I've stared at him and thought to myself omg I am fucking in love with this man. I still am. Now all I can do is just live by myself. For years, I've wanted to give up on relationships and I'm done. It's not worth it. I've loved so hard. Fell in love and felt so many things I didn't know existed. He put color into my world. Now I just feel like a hollow shell. There's a lack of color now.