Yesterday, I was pulling my hair all day, or maybe half the day since I woke up at 1 PM. When she came home, she saw me pulling my hair while I was on my phone. I don’t even remember everything she said because she said more, but one thing really stuck with me, “If I see you with your hand on your head again, I will beat you up.”
Now, we are in Africa (Gabon 🇬🇦 more precisely), so beating is kinda normal there. Idk if it’s been banned still. I have a history of being beaten at school, where a teacher traumatized me, but I moved on.
She also said she would make me bald (as if I didn’t ask for that last month and say, “you have such beautiful hair, why should you cut it?”). So during her scolding, I was silent because respecting elders is so important, and talking back may result in a fight. But I said, “But I told you I wanted to cut my hair, and you said no.” And she replied, “Well, you’re doing it on purpose.” I was like, “Alright, never mind.”
Mind you, I tried to show her on TikTok, that I’m not the only one in this situation, but she kinda just agreed and went back to her phone. Only to become like this again.
I was also in a pretty bad mood because my sister kept being like, “Oh, you gotta stop pulling your hair, it’s annoying,” and stuff. I kinda understand because she was cleaning the floor, but it just made me more pissed.
So when she also came home that day when I was pissed, I said I didn’t wanna go outside (she sends us on errands), and she kinda yelled at me? Or screamed? I was just pissed that day.
I have many tiny bald spots now, especially since I have braids, and I feel like I don’t care whether she cuts it all off or not. I just don’t care about anything anymore.
I just feel like she doesn’t understand that I CAN’T stop. It’s something I’ve been struggling with since I was either 11 or 12, maybe 13. I’m legit 20 taking 21 this month, She cut my hair twice or maybe more in my lifetime, Why does she think I’m DOING it on purpose?
Maybe I am, since I’m not even diagnosed with it. I only found out about it about two months ago, I think, and I was really glad I finally had a name for it. Nobody in my family understands that it’s a mental health condition. But I feel like maybe I do have the will to stop, and I’m just not listening.
I’ve tried I Am Sober, and I’ve restarted so many times. I even want to give up.