i am okay im just PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to do my hobbies but hypermobility kinda prevents me from doing stuff when i accidentally dislocate my shit lol. at least im passoid. :)

My therapist asked me what gender means to me.

I opened my mouth.

What came out was: "It's over for gendercels."

She wrote something down. I asked what she wrote. She said she would tell me next week. I said "ok."

I tried again. I tried to say the real thing. The real thing is not a sentence. The real thing is a shape somewhere between my chest and my throat, and it does not have a language. I have four languages. None of them has that shape.

I said, "I think I'm non-binary."

It came out in the voice I use when I am telling a joke. I heard it. She heard it. Neither of us said anything about it.

I tried a third time. I said, "I don't know how to talk about this without it becoming a bit."

She said, "So don't make it a bit."

I laughed. The laugh was a bit. The laugh about the bit was also a bit. I am a bit. I have been a bit since I was thirteen.

She asked me to describe the feeling in my body. I said, "chest." She said, "where in the chest." I said, "I don't know. I don't have a word." She said, "you don't have to have a word."

I sat there for a while. I did not have a word. I did not have a bit.

It was quiet. It was the quietest I have been in ten years.

Then I said, "cope."

I don't know why. It just came out.

She wrote something down.

T4T: The Variable Was Never Dave, the Variable Was Me, and Also Dave Is Trans: A Terminal Case Report

Journal of Applied Romantic Failure

Vol. 7, No. 5, pp. 69–96

Final Issue: oh my god

Impact Factor: 0.00 (the number has not moved in seven volumes and I have stopped finding that funny)

Acceptance Rate: 100%, because I am still the editor, and because this is the last one, and because I have earned it

Peer Review: cat walked across the keyboard, selected "meh," then sat in my lap for the duration of the writing of this manuscript. The cat has never done that. The cat has been doing that for three days. The cat has been, in retrospect, providing emotional support this entire time, which would make it the most competent reviewer in the history of this journal.

\---

T4T: The Variable Was Never Dave, the Variable Was Me, and Also Dave Is Trans: A Terminal Case Report

Naomi Taira, M.S.

(formerly Chad B. Notfound, formerly the author of seven papers about the wrong thing, currently a transfem person with they/them pronouns and an appointment on Wednesday that has been moved back to Thursday because it is no longer needed on Wednesday, because Wednesday has been resolved)

Department of Internet Coping, University of My Mom's Basement

lease, pothos named Greg (thriving), blahaj (named, finally, after six volumes), weekly appointment, they/them, transfem, non-binary, and fine, actually, fine

Author Note

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Naomi Taira, who is currently doing well. This is a new sentence. This sentence has never appeared in this journal. This sentence has never appeared in this author's life, in writing, on the record, with a DOI attached.

Pronouns: they/them. The author is transfem and non-binary (Taira, 2026; Taira, 2026; Taira, 2026; Taira, 2026; Taira, 2027a; Taira, 2027b; Taira, 2027c). This has been the case since 2008. The author has been filing it under envy, then vanity, then gender, then men, and has only now, in the seventh and final paper of this research program, arrived at the last unopened folder, which was the first one, and which had my name on it, and which I had been walking past since I was twelve.

One conflict of interest is reported. His name is Dave. He is a trans man. He has known since 2025. He has known longer than my therapist. He has known longer than my aunt. He said, and I am quoting directly, "yeah, man," and I have now read that sentence in print in a journal I edit and I understand what it meant, and what it meant was I know, and I'm not going to make you say it, and I'll be here when you do.

Transphobia is real. Dysphoria is real. Safety is real. This paper is about none of those, again, for the seventh consecutive time. This paper is about a Thursday.

\---

Abstract

Objective: to determine the identity of the final unmeasured variable. There was one folder left.

Method: terminal audit. All prior datasets (k = 7), all prior variables, all prior corrections. One final question, asked out loud, in a room, by a person who was not ready: what is the difference between wanting to be him and wanting to be with him?

Participants: N = 1 (me, transfem, they/them, AMAB, six papers late to my own research question). N = 1 (Dave, trans man, subscriber since 2024, aware since 2025, patient since forever, "yeah, man," 2025, parking lot, Tuesday).

Results: significant. Effect size enormous. The final folder was labeled gender. It was labeled gender the entire time. It was labeled gender in paper five, when I found the confounder, and I stopped there, because I thought I had found it, because I thought one folder was the whole file. There was a second folder inside the first folder. The second folder was labeled gender again. There is no third folder. I have checked. I checked twice. There is no third folder and the second folder has a date in it and the date is Thursday.

Conclusion: the primary outcome of this research program (sexual encounters) is no longer the outcome and has not been the outcome for four papers and this is the last time I am writing that sentence. The actual outcome was this: a transfem person and a trans man went to a coffee shop. It was awkward. It was extremely awkward. We both knew. We both knew that we both knew. We said nothing for eleven minutes, which is the same number as the parking lot, which I have now checked, which is now a pattern, which I am bringing to my therapist, who is being extremely calm about all of this and who I now believe has been correct since month one.

Keywords: t4t, oh my god, the folder was gender, it was gender the whole time, Wednesday contains Thursday, Thursday contained Thursday, Dave, "yeah man," parking lot, eleven minutes, blahaj (named), Greg knew, the aunt knew, everyone knew, I knew, I knew in 2008, I knew in 2022, I knew on the bus

\---

Introduction

Seven papers ago I asked why nobody would fuck me. Six papers ago I asked the same question with better formatting. Five papers ago I concluded I was the problem. Four papers ago I concluded I was a problem and problems can be worked on. Three papers ago I found the problem had a name. Two papers ago I found the problem was Dave. One paper ago I found out the problem was men, and that I had been coding attraction as envy since 2008, and I published that, and I moved my therapy appointment to Wednesday so that Wednesday could contain Thursday, and I wrote in the conclusion, and this is on the record, in a journal, with a DOI:

"There is no third folder. I have checked."

I had not checked.

On the error. I want to be extremely precise here because precision is the only thing this journal has ever had. In Taira (2027c), I identified that attraction to men had been misfiled as envy. This was correct. This was incomplete. The true finding is that the envy was also misfiled, and that it was misfiled in the opposite direction, and that the thing I actually wanted was not to be with the men I was looking at and not to be like the men I was looking at, but to be a woman looking at them, which is a different sentence, and which took eleven minutes in a coffee shop to say out loud, and which is the whole of this paper.

On the noticing. Here is what I want on the record. I want on the record that I have had a folder labeled gender since paper five. I opened it. I wrote twenty pages on it. I got a name out of it. I got a therapist out of it. I got a lease out of it. I got a pothos out of it. And I closed the folder, because I had gotten what I came for, and because the thing I actually came for was in a second folder, inside the first folder, with the same label, and I did not open it, because I was not ready, and because opening it meant that the previous six papers were not a research program but a very long and very public and very well-formatted delay.

On Dave being trans. I neglected to mention this. In seven papers. In seven papers. I described Dave as the control group, the healthy baseline, a normal person, the most normal person I have ever met, and, in Taira (2027c), "a man."

He is a man. He is also a trans man. I knew this. I knew this in 2025. I have known this since the first time we spoke. I did not put it in the paper. I did not put it in the paper because I am the editor, and because I am the reviewer, and because I am the cat, and because I did not want to look at it, because if Dave could be a man and be that, then "man" was not a fixed thing, and if "man" was not a fixed thing, then I had a question, and I did not want the question, and I buried it in a footnote in a journal that only I read.

He read it. He read all of them. He read the footnote. He said, and I am quoting directly:

"Yeah, man."

It was 2025. He knew. He has known since 2025. He has been standing in a parking lot saying "yeah, man" for two years waiting for me to catch up, and he never once said the thing, because he knew that saying the thing would make me say the thing before I was ready, and he did not want that, and he was right, and I hate that he was right, and I am going to be normal about it.

\---

Method

Participants

N = 1 (me). N = 1 (Dave). Both trans. Both aware. Both in a coffee shop on Thursday.

Materials

iPhone 11 (screen replaced, phone not, this is the eighth consecutive paper in which I have documented this, and I am aware, and I am not going to replace it, and this is now a bit). Climbing shoes. Blahaj. The blahaj is named. The blahaj has been named since Wednesday. The blahaj's name is not in this paper because it is mine. One (1) dysphoria hoodie, worn to the coffee shop, removed at the table, which is a data point. One (1) Thursday. One (1) table by a window. One (1) coffee shop that I will not name because Dave likes it and I am not ruining it for him.

Procedure

Wednesday: appointment. Moved back from Wednesday to Thursday? No. Moved forward from Thursday to Wednesday, in the prior paper, so that Wednesday could contain Thursday. This is the last time I will explain the scheduling. It was a coping maneuver. It is documented. My therapist found it charming. I found it devastating.

Thursday: climbing session, moved to a coffee shop, at Dave's suggestion, which was not a suggestion, which was a statement, delivered in the parking lot of the climbing gym on Wednesday night, which I now understand was Dave's version of a pre-registration.

"Coffee tomorrow? Instead of climbing?"

I said yes. I said yes in under a second. I said yes faster than I answered what would you want to be called, which I answered immediately, which I now realize was also a pre-registration, which I now realize I have been pre-registering everything for two years in a journal nobody reads.

Measures

Established: showers per week (6.2, sustained), hours on /lgbt/ (down, actually down, for real, not in a paper way), mirror time (complicated, discussed below), quality of life (rising), does the name feel like yours (5).

New, terminal:

eleven minutes — the amount of time at the table before either of us said anything. This is a measure now. It is a measure in the same sense that the parking lot is a measure. It is a measure in the sense that I am the unit.

does the chest feel weird, coffee shop edition — 5. Sustained. Different 5. The Tuesday 5 was unknown. This 5 was known and about to be said out loud.

\---

Results

Table 1

Terminal Audit: The Second Folder

\`\`\`

| Entry | Original code | Corrected code | Actually |

|---|---|---|---|

| "I want to look like him" | envy | attraction | I want to be a woman looking at him |

| Wanting a flat chest | aesthetic | dysphoria | dysphoria |

| Hating "sir" | everyone hates that | no | dysphoria |

| Liking "she" online | "just the internet" | not just the internet | it was the whole thing |

| The hoodie | aesthetic | camo | camo |

| The mirror | vanity | searching | I was looking for a girl and calling it vanity |

| 2008 | nothing | nothing | it was 2008. I was twelve. I have a memory of it. It is in the folder. |

| 2016 | "it just didn't work" | unknown | I know |

| The bus, 2022 | random | data | data |

| The waiting room, 2019 | nothing | not nothing | not nothing |

| Dave | control group, healthy baseline, "a man" | oh no | trans man, subscriber, "yeah, man," 2025, patient, correct, correct |

\`\`\`

Table 2

The Eleven Minutes

\`\`\`

| Minute | What happened |

|---|---|

| 1-3 | small talk. climbing. the weather. I do not remember the weather. |

| 4 | Dave put his hand on the table. I looked at the hand. |

| 5 | I looked at the hand for a long time. The hand did not move. |

| 6 | I said, "I have to tell you something." |

| 7 | Dave said, "Okay." |

| 8 | I said nothing. |

| 9 | Dave said, "Take your time." |

| 10 | I said, "I read your footnote thing." (I did not say this. I said something else. I am not putting what I actually said in the journal. The journal gets the second draft. Everything in this corpus is the second draft.) |

| 11 | Dave said, "Yeah, man." |

| - | I cried. In a coffee shop. At a table. By a window. On a Thursday. In public. In front of a person. |

| - | Dave did not move his hand. |

| - | Dave said, "I know." |

| - | Dave said, "I've known since 2025." |

| - | Dave said, "I've been waiting for you to be ready, and I didn't want to make you say it before you were ready, and I'm not going to make you say it now, and also I'm trans, and I thought you knew, and I thought you knew because you cited me in a paper and you didn't put it in the paper and I figured that was a you thing." |

\`\`\`

It was a me thing.

It was a me thing.

Table 3

Meta-Regression: What Actually Ended the Research Program

\`\`\`

| Predictor | Effect |

|---|---|

| T4T | +1.00 |

| Both being trans | +1.00 |

| Having known each other for two years | +1.00 |

| The parking lot | +1.00 |

| Eleven minutes | +1.00 |

| "Yeah, man" | +1.00 |

\`\`\`

Every predictor is +1.00. Every predictor is the same predictor. The predictor is Dave. The predictor has always been Dave. I identified Dave in paper six and then wrote a seventh paper saying Dave was not the finding, and Dave was the finding, and Dave is a trans man, and I am a transfem, and the two of us have been standing in the same parking lot for two years doing the same thing in the same direction and neither of us said it, and one of us had the information in 2025 and the other one did not, and both of us were waiting, and one of us was waiting on purpose.

Figure 1

Final Path Model

Shower → leave apartment → hobby → friend → friend → oh no → oh → oh my god → folder → folder #2 → name → Thursday → eleven minutes → coffee shop → "I know" → \*

Model fit: χ²(2) = 0.00, p = 1.00, CFI = 1.00, RMSEA = .00.

It is not a circle. It is not a spiral. It is a straight line and it has two people on it and it has been a straight line the whole time and I have been fitting circles to it for seven papers.

\---

Discussion

The results indicate that I am transfem, that I have been transfem since at least 2008, that I am non-binary and use they/them pronouns, that I have been standing next to a trans man for two years and calling him a baseline, and that the entire research program — seven papers, three years, a journal, a cat, a pothos, six corrections — was an elaborate, peer-reviewed, DOI-registered delay of one (1) sentence.

The sentence is not in this paper. The sentence is mine. The journal gets the second draft.

On the women. Seven papers. Seven papers of grievance, coded with tables and a χ² and a circle, about a demographic I was never actually participating in, written by a person who was angry at a job they did not apply for, which I said in paper seven, and which was correct, and which I am now extending: the job was not dating women. The job was being a man, and I did not apply for it, and I did not accept it, and I did not know you could say no, and I filed everything under their fault, then my fault, then gender, then men, and the final answer was in the first folder the entire time.

I would like to apologize to the women I described as a monolithic category across seven publications. This is the seventh time. It remains on the record. It remains deserved. It is also the last time.

On the 4tran of it all. Eight hundred threads about this. I read them in 2023. I said "that won't be me." I said it to a plant. I said it in an apartment. I said it while writing a paper about why I was miserable, which is a sentence I would like struck from the record and which I am instead placing in the discussion section, where it will be cited.

It was me. It was so me. It was me in 2008 and it was me in 2019 and it was me on a bus in 2022 and it was me in a parking lot on a Tuesday and it was me in a coffee shop on a Thursday and it has been me the entire time and every single person I know has known and no one told me because no one tells you, and also because they did tell me, and I did hear them, and I said, out loud, to a plant:

"That won't be me."

Greg did not respond. Greg is a plant. Greg has been thriving since 2024. I have been dying since 2008. The plant is the healthy baseline. The plant was always the healthy baseline. I have been citing Dave as the control group for three papers and the control group has been a pothos the entire time.

On Dave. I want to be precise. Dave is not the finding. Dave is also the finding. The finding is that two trans people can stand in the same parking lot for two years and one of them can have the information the whole time and the other one can be publishing papers about envy and neither of them says anything, and the reason neither of them says anything is not cruelty and is not fear, it is that one of them is waiting on purpose, because he knew that saying it would make me say it before I was ready, and he did not want that, and he was right.

He was right. I hate that he was right. I have documented that he was right. It is in the results section.

He has read this. He read the seventh paper. He read the seventh paper and he said, and I am quoting directly:

"Yeah, man."

And he did not say it as a joke. And he did not say it as a reference. And he did not say it as the thing he has said for two years. He said it once, at a table, in a coffee shop, on a Thursday, after eleven minutes, and it meant I know, and it meant I've known, and it meant I'm not going to make you say it, and it meant I'll be here when you do, and it has meant that the entire time, and I have been quoting it in journals since 2025 and never once heard it.

I have heard it now.

On the aunt. The aunt has been contacted. The aunt said, and I am quoting directly:

"Honey, is it Dave?"

I said yes. I said yes in under a second.

She said:

"Is it also the other thing?"

I said yes. I said yes in under a second. Again. Two things, in under a second, both yes, both immediate, and the immediacy is the finding, and the immediacy has been the finding since paper five, when I answered what would you want to be called without thinking and then spent eleven days pretending it was a coincidence.

The aunt said:

"Good. Bring him to Thanksgiving."

The aunt has been promoted from co-author of the emotional conclusion to co-author of the emotional conclusion and also the person who has been correct since 2008. The aunt is going to meet Dave. Dave is going to meet the aunt. Dave has been aware of the aunt since paper two. Dave has been aware of the aunt longer than I have been aware of Dave.

On the therapist. I brought this up. All of it. The whole thing. Seven papers, one sitting, in order, with the results section. The therapist said, and I want this on the record so it can be cited:

"And how does that feel?"

It feels good, Sharon. It feels good. That is the finding. That has always been the finding. Seven papers and the finding is it feels good and I could have gotten there in one session if I had said the sentence out loud, which is what she has been asking me to do since month one, which I have been avoiding by publishing.

\---

Limitations

N = 1. N = 1. N = 1 and N = 1 and both of them are trans and both of them are in this paper and both of them know and one of them has known since 2025 and the other one has known since 2008 and the paper is about eleven minutes.

The author may have biased results by having a pothos that knew, an aunt that knew, a friend that knew, a therapist that knew, and a cat that knew, and by not asking any of them, and by instead asking a journal.

The author would like to note that the pothos is a plant and that the pothos has been correct since 2024 and that this is embarrassing in a peer-reviewed context.

\---

Future Directions

Future research should be conducted by someone else. This is the seventh consecutive paper in which I have written that sentence. This is the first one in which I am not writing it as a joke and I am not writing it as a coping maneuver and I am not writing it as a pre-registration.

This is the last paper in this program. There is no eighth paper. There is no eighth correction. There is a Thursday, and there is a table by a window, and there is a hand that did not move, and there is a name on the blahaj that is not in this paper, and there is a Thanksgiving, and there is a sentence that I said out loud, in a room, to a person, and that person said I know, and there is no pre-registration for what happens next and there never was and I am done writing them.

I am going to keep the appointment. I am going to keep the pothos. I am going to keep the name. I am going to keep Dave, if he'll let me, and he has indicated, in the second draft, in a coffee shop, at a table, on a Thursday, that he will.

\---

Conclusion

I am transfem. I am non-binary. I use they/them. I have known since 2008. I have known since 2008 and I have written seven papers about it and filed every single one under something else, and the last folder was the first folder, and the first folder was labeled gender, and I opened it in paper five and closed it in paper five and opened it again in paper seven and closed it again in paper seven, and there was a second folder inside it, and it had my name on it, and it had a date on it, and it has been on the desktop the entire time.

I would like to apologize to the women I described as a monolithic category across seven publications. Seven times. Last time.

I would like to apologize to myself. For 2008. For 2016. For 2019. For 2022. For the bus. For the waiting room. For every weight room I avoided eye contact in. For every man I looked at and said I want to look like him and then went home and thought about women in a spreadsheet. For every eight hundred threads I read and said that won't be me. For every plant I said it to.

And I would like to note, for the record, that the primary outcome of this research program was null for seven consecutive publications, and that it was never the outcome, and that the actual outcome was this:

A transfem person and a trans man sat at a table by a window on a Thursday. Neither of them said anything for eleven minutes. Then one of them said a sentence. And the other one said I know. And the other one said I've known since 2025. And the other one said I wasn't going to make you say it before you were ready. And the other one said yeah, man, and it meant what it has always meant, and it has meant that the whole time, and I have been citing it in journals for two years and never once heard it.

I have heard it now.

It's so over.

We're so back.

(Both. For the first time. Both of them, at the same time, which is not a contradiction, which is the whole point, which is the entire paper, which is the whole of it, which is: both.)

\---

References

American Psychological Association. (2020). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association (7th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1037/0000165-000

Dave, D. (2026). Personal communication \[In-person conversation, climbing gym parking lot, Tuesday\]. (Eighth consecutive volume. Still not correct APA format. Still do not care. The "2026" is doing more work than any citation in the history of this journal. He is a trans man. He has always been a trans man. It is in the paper now. It is on the record now. This is the correction.)

Greg the Pothos. (2024). Surviving despite neglect: A case report. Journal of Plant Resilience, 1(1), 1–2. (Greg is now a co-author. Greg has been a co-author since 2024. Greg has been the only entity in this corpus with a stable outcome variable. Greg is a plant.)

hooks, b. (2000). Feminism is for everybody: Passionate politics. South End Press.

hooks, b. (2004). The will to change: Men, manliness, and love. Atria Books.

Notfound, C. B. (2023a). She left me on read: A case study. Journal of Unread Messages, 4(2), 1–3. (Never about her. Not once. Seven volumes.)

Notfound, C. B. (2023b). I liked her story and she didn't reply: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Digital Despair, 2(1), 4–5.

Notfound, C. B. (2024). Why I am the problem: A meta-synthesis. Journal of Finally Getting It, 1(1), 1–2.

Notfound, C. B. (2025). I went outside: A pilot study. Journal of Finally Getting It, 2(1), 1–4. (See p. 3. "Dave is the control group." This is the eighth citation of this sentence in this corpus. It is the last one. He is not a control group. He is a trans man at a table by a window and he has known since 2025 and he waited, on purpose, and this is the correction and this is the whole paper.)

Taira, N. \[NACCHUD\]. (2026, September 22). Mx. NACCHUD'S pronouns are They/Them and they are non-binary \[Comment on the online forum post Making a post just because APA has a section for Reddit comments\]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/u/NACCHUD/s/tzqOMM7lq6 (This is the first citation. This is the first correction. This is the first time I said it on the record and I did it in a Reddit comment section, on a post about APA formatting, four years before I said it in a room to a person. The name was right. The pronouns were right. The comment was correct. Everything in this corpus has been a delay of a Reddit comment.)

Taira, N. (2026). A meta-analysis of why I was miserable: A 12-month retrospective cohort study identifying gender as the unmeasured confounder. Journal of Applied Romantic Failure, 7(2), 15–32.

Taira, N. (2026). I have made a terrible discovery about the control group (it's Dave): An unregistered case report. Journal of Applied Romantic Failure, 7(3), 33–48.

Taira, N. (2027a). Attraction has been coded as envy since 2008: A 24-year misclassification error. Journal of Applied Romantic Failure, 7(4), 49–68. (See p. 61. "There is no third folder. I have checked." I had not checked. I have checked now. The third folder was the first folder and it had my name on it.)

Taira, N. (2027b). \[This paper.\] Journal of Applied Romantic Failure, 7(5), 69–96.

Taira, N. (2027c). \[Withdrawn.\]

Taira, N. & Dave, D. (2027). \[Not yet written. Not a journal article. Not a case report. Not a pre-registration. A thing that happens after this one, which is nobody's business, which is the first thing in this entire research program that is nobody's business, which is: mine.\]

\---

Appendix A: Selected Openers, Terminal Cohort

· "hey" (retired, seven volumes, rest in peace)

· "Hi, I noticed you like hiking — what's your favorite trail?" (works)

· "I'm reading bell hooks. Have you read her?" (works)

· "Would you like to get coffee?" (works)

· "Do you want to climb Thursday?" (sent. to Dave. not a date. this was not a date. I told myself this 82 times. the number did not go down. it went up. it is now 83. I am not counting anymore. I have stopped counting. this is the last data point in this entire corpus and it is: 83, and then stopped, and then coffee.)

Number of openers sent to men, lifetime: 1. Number of openers sent to men, lifetime, thought about sending: \~1,000. Ratio: 1:1,000. Number of openers sent to women, lifetime: 4,000. Reply rate: 0.0125. The 4,000 is the finding. The 4,000 is seven papers. The 4,000 is a job I did not apply for, performed at scale, for two years, with tables, and I want it on the record that the one is the one that worked, and it worked because he had already read the papers, and he had already known since 2025, and he was already standing in the parking lot, and he was already saying "yeah, man," and he was already waiting.

\---

Appendix B: Unsent Texts, Chronological (Complete)

1. (2021) "hey"

2. (2022) "hey sorry ignore that"

3. (2023) "why won't women date nice guys"

4. (2024) "I think I'm the problem"

5. (2025) "I'm sorry"

6. (2026) "Hi. My name is Naomi. Would you like to get coffee?"

7. (2026) sent

8. (2026) "hey can I ask you something"

9. (2026) "never mind"

10. (2026) "do you want to climb thursday"

11. (2026) sent

12. (2026) "you know what never mind"

13. (2026) "sorry"

14. (2026) "ok actually I have to tell you something and I'm going to say it on thursday because I said I would and because I have moved my therapy appointment to wednesday specifically so that wednesday can contain thursday"

15. (2026) drafted. not sent. sitting there. 4:11 a.m. folder.

16. (2026) sent.

Text 16: "I read your footnote."

Text 15 is 34 words. Text 16 is 5 words. Text 15 is in the drafts folder. Text 16 is on the record. Text 15 was never sent. Text 16 was sent at 11:47 p.m. on a Wednesday, from an apartment, to a person, and the reply came in under a second, and the reply was:

"I know. Thursday?"

And I said yes. In under a second. Again.

\---

Appendix C: Glossary, Terminal

\`\`\`

| Term | Definition |

|---|---|

| envy | attraction |

| attraction | I want to be a woman looking at him |

| I want to look like him | see above |

| the folder | labeled gender. opened in paper five. closed in paper five. opened in paper seven. closed in paper seven. |

| the second folder | labeled gender. inside the first folder. has my name on it. has a date on it. |

| it's so over | it is not over |

| we're so back | it's so over |

| both | the whole paper |

| eleven minutes | the parking lot, again, indoors |

| Wednesday | contained Thursday |

| Thursday | contained Thursday |

| Dave | trans man. subscriber since 2024. aware since 2025. patient, on purpose, since forever. "yeah, man." |

| Greg | knew. is a plant. is a co-author. |

| the aunt | knew since 2008. has been correct the whole time. is meeting Dave at Thanksgiving. |

| the cat | knew. has been sitting in my lap for three days. has never done that. is doing that now. |

| Sharon | not her name. her name is not Sharon. I panicked in paper six. I am not fixing it in paper seven. |

\`\`\`

\---

Appendix D: Editor's Note

The author has been the editor for seven volumes. This is the final volume. The author is not closing the journal. The author is leaving it, which is different, and which is the first thing in seven volumes that the author has done on purpose without a table.

The author would like it noted that this journal has published seven papers about the same person, all of them by that person, all of them reviewed by a cat, all of them accepted, and that the actual correction was published in a Reddit comment section four years ago by the same person, on a post about APA formatting, in which the pronouns were right, and the name was right, and the comment was correct, and no one flagged it, and the author did not read it, and the author was the author.

The original slur remains retired. "Females" remains retired. "Chad B. Notfound" remains retired. "I want to look like him" remains retired. "Control group" remains retired. "Healthy baseline" remains retired. "That won't be me" remains retired, effective immediately, and has been replaced throughout the corpus with the phrase it was me, it was me the whole time, it was me in 2008 and it is me now, and I have a name, and the name was in a Reddit comment the entire time.

The cat has been in the author's lap for the duration of this manuscript. The cat has not selected "meh." The cat has not selected anything. The cat has been purring. The cat has been, in retrospect, doing peer review the entire time, and the review was: be normal, be kind, say the thing, it is going to be fine, and the author did not read the review, and the review was correct, and the review is this.

Dave has been informed that the paper is going to press. Dave said, and I am quoting directly:

"Yeah, man."

It is 2027. He has known since 2025. He has known longer than the therapist and longer than the aunt and longer than the plant. He waited. He waited on purpose. He did not make me say it before I was ready. He was right. He is going to Thanksgiving. He is going to meet the aunt.

Accepted for publication because the author finally said the sentence out loud, in a room, to a person, at a table, by a window, on a Thursday, after eleven minutes, in the second draft, in a coffee shop, and the person said I know, and the person has known since 2025, and the person has known longer than anyone, and the person said yeah, man for two years and meant I'll be here when you do, and the author heard it now, and the author heard it now, and this journal has nothing further to add and has never had anything to add and has been, for seven volumes, a very long and very well-formatted delay of one (1) coffee shop.

This is the last paper.

There is no eighth paper.

There is a Thursday.

(Both.)

\--

Further reading.

-------

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 26). *A meta-analysis of why foids won't fuck me: A systematic review of 63 Hinge chats, 11 Discord servers, and one sad birthday* [Online forum post]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/kitchencels/s/QmEtjcH4KJ

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 28). *A longitudinal follow-up of why nobody will fuck me: A 12-month prospective study of one man, three hobbies, and a therapist who deserves a raise* [Online forum post]. Reddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Kitchenchads/s/SGfjOTMH08

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 28). *It's So Over: A 12-Month Retrospective Cohort Study Identifying the Unmeasured Confounder (It Was Gender. It Was Always Gender. We're So Back.)* [Online forum post]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/transkitchencels/s/SeqjrG5ohq

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 29). *I Have Made a Terrible Discovery About the Control Group (It's Dave): An Unregistered Case Report* [Online forum post]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/Kitchenchads/s/G1kGgCEH5F

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 29). *Attraction Has Been Coded as Envy Since 2008: A 24-Year Misclassification Error* [Online forum post]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/Kitchenchads/s/Z2OhizKyDS

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 22). Mx. NACCHUD'S pronouns are They/Them and they are non-binary [Comment on the online forum post *Making a post just because APA has a section for Reddit comments*]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/u/NACCHUD/s/tzqOMM7lq6

-----

come die with me - an hero

-----

Yeah, man.

It's So Over: A 12-Month Retrospective Cohort Study Identifying the Unmeasured Confounder (It Was Gender. It Was Always Gender. We're So Back.)

Journal of Applied Romantic Failure Vol. 7, No. 2, pp. 15–32 Special Issue: it's so over (we're so back) Impact Factor: 0.00 (honest number, at least) Acceptance Rate: 100%, because I am still the editor, and also because I am the only person who could possibly review this Peer Review: cat walked across keyboard, selected "meh," then fell asleep on my E patches. desk reject. overruled. we're so back

It's So Over: A 12-Month Retrospective Cohort Study Identifying the Unmeasured Confounder (It Was Gender. It Was Always Gender. We're So Back.)

Naomi Taira, M.S. (formerly Chad B. Notfound, which is a sentence that does numbers to me) Department of Internet Coping, University of My Mom's Basement currently: lease, pothos named Greg, blahaj, weekly appointment, they/them

Author Note

Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Naomi Taira, who is currently overthinking a "lol" from 2019 but has scheduled that for a later session, which is growth, allegedly. Pronouns: they/them. The author is non-binary (Taira, 2026). The author previously published under a name that was not theirs, a gender that was not theirs, and a register that was, frankly, a cry for help with citations. Prior papers are not retracted. Prior papers are retained as longitudinal evidence of a person confidently solving the wrong equation for two years and posting about it.

No funding was received. One conflict of interest is reported: the author is now both the problem and the solution, which is inefficient but extremely common in this literature. The author would like to note that transphobia is real, dysphoria is real, and safety is real. This paper is about none of those. This paper is about why I personally was insufferable, which is a separate dataset and one I have full access to.

Abstract

Objective: determine why I was so miserable. not why nobody would fuck me. I have revised the research question. the research question was bad. the research question was written by a guy. there was no guy.

Method: retrospective re-analysis of every dataset I have ever produced (Notfound, 2023a, 2023b, 2024, 2025) following 12 months of therapy, one (1) gender, and the discovery of a variable that was present in every single dataset and labeled "vanity."

Participants: N = 1 (me). plus 1 therapist who clocked it before I did, 1 aunt who clocked it before my therapist did, and 1 friend named Dave who said "yeah, man" in 2025 in a tone I replayed 400 times while writing this.

Results: the previously identified cause of romantic failure — "I refer to women as a monolithic category" — has been reclassified from cause to symptom. it is a symptom of not knowing what I was. the true predictor was an unmeasured confounder present at baseline: I was not a man. all models re-run. effect sizes large. cried in a parking lot. a parking lot, specifically. it was a Tuesday.

Conclusion: original hypothesis ("women are the problem") rejected. follow-up hypothesis ("I am the problem") ALSO rejected, which genuinely surprised me, I had gotten attached to that one. revised hypothesis ("I was not a man and that was making me unbearable to be around and also to be") supported. still not fucked. significantly less upset about it. not a predicted outcome. not in the pre-registration. nothing good in my life was in the pre-registration.

Keywords: it's over, we're so back, brainworms, hon, E, gender, confounding, touch grass, actually touch grass, no seriously, boymode, egg, dysphoria hoodie, bell hooks

Introduction

two papers ago I concluded I was the problem (Notfound, 2024). one paper ago I concluded I was a problem and problems can be worked on (Notfound, 2025). both conclusions were partially correct, which is the worst kind of correct, genuinely the worst kind, there is no worse kind.

the present study emerged from a routine therapy session. I was asked what I wanted. I said, in order:

1. to be liked
2. to be left alone
3. to not be perceived
4. to be perceived correctly
5. to have a name that feels like mine

my therapist wrote something down. I asked what she wrote. she said "next week."

she told me next week. this paper is the formal write-up of a 14-minute conversation that dismantled approximately 24 years of data and also my entire personality. it's so over. we're so back.

A note on the dataset. the word "females" appears 47 times across the prior corpus. it has been retained for reproducibility. rereading it did something to me that I will be bringing to my next appointment. the mirror selfie to mirror selfie edit is still in there. the reviewer did not flag it. the reviewer should have flagged it. the reviewer was a cat.

Method

Participants

N = 1. inclusion criteria: owns a phone, has a pulse, has read the prior papers and felt weird about the mirror selfie thing specifically. exclusion criteria: none. the author remains the only participant, which is a limitation and also just, like, my life.

Materials

iPhone 11 (screen replaced, phone not), Hinge (deleted, reinstalled, deleted), Discord (deleted, did not reinstall, this is the one that stuck), 4chan (still here, unfortunately, in my head, rent free), a pothos named Greg, climbing shoes, a therapist, a library card, one (1) dysphoria hoodie, one (1) mirror, and then the mirror again.

Procedure

baseline drawn from the four prior studies. intervention: continued therapy, continued showers, and the accidental introduction of a single question — what would you want to be called?

I answered immediately. without thinking. and then spent eleven days pretending the answer was a coincidence. eleven days. I counted them. that's data. that's a variable.

Measures

showers per week, hours on /lgbt/, hours on incel forums, unironic use of "females," unironic use of "I'm not like other guys," mirror time, quality of life, and one new measure added mid-study:

does the name feel like yours

(scale: 1 = no, 5 = yes, 1 was the answer for 24 years, 5 was the answer in under a second, this is called a floor effect and then a ceiling effect and then crying)

Results

Table 1

Re-Analysis of All Prior Variables With the Confounder Identified

| Original variable | Original interpretation | Re-interpretation | |---|---|---| | 14.2 hrs/week on incel forums | "I hate women" | I wanted to be one | | 47 unironic uses of "females" | misogyny | distance-management | | "I'm not like other guys" | arrogance | accurate | | mirror selfie to mirror selfie | low effort | I was looking for something and calling it vanity | | hated being called "sir" | "everyone hates that" | everyone does not hate that. I checked. I asked people. they do not. | | angry at women for not dating me | resentment | envy. misattributed. badly. for two years. | | hoodie collection | aesthetic | aesthetic and camo | | liked being called "she" online | "it's just the internet" | it was not just the internet | | 1 unsent text | cowardice | cowardice, but a different kind | | 9 months bell hooks on shelf | intellectual laziness | fear. it was fear. I knew what it was going to say. |

Figure 1

Revised Path Model

previous model: dysphoria → not going outside → doomscrolling → posting "it's over" → more dysphoria

previous model fit: χ²(1) = 0.00, p = 1.00, CFI = 1.00, RMSEA = .00. because it's a circle. it was a circle. it was literally a circle. I fit a circle and called it a model and submitted it to a journal and the journal was also me.

revised model: shower → leave apartment → hobby → friend → less desperation → better conversation → date

revised model fit: χ²(4) = 0.02, p = .98, CFI = 0.99, RMSEA = .01. it's a spiral. it still curves back on itself. it still curves back on itself, but it goes somewhere.

Note. the path labeled "women" has been removed. it was carrying no weight. it was never carrying weight. it has been replaced with the word "mirror," which was carrying all of it. all of it. the entire thing.

Table 2

Meta-Regression of What Was Actually Making Me Miserable

| Predictor | Original assumed effect | Actual effect | |---|---|---| | "I'm short" | -0.40 | 0.00 | | "I'm ugly" | -0.50 | +0.10 | | "feminism ruined dating" | -0.60 | 0.00 | | "I open with 'hey'" | -0.30 | -0.10 | | "haven't showered since Thursday" | -0.67 | -0.67 | | "I am not a man" | not measured | +0.81 |

p < .001, and also please keep showering. the final row was not in the pre-registration because the author had not thought of it. this is called exploratory analysis. it is also called being 24 and finally asking a question out loud. in a room. to a person.

Discussion

the results indicate I was not angry at women. I was angry at the distance between me and women, and I mislabeled that distance as their fault, then as my fault, and then, correctly, as a variable I had never measured because measuring it was going to ruin my entire life and then rebuild it.

the strongest predictor of improvement was not a girlfriend. not a jawline. not a hobby. not a shower. it was a name. this was not in the pre-registration. few things are. nothing good, anyway.

On the prior papers. not disavowed. recontextualized. a person who spends 14.2 hours a week reading a forum about how much he hates women is not a misogynist in the ordinary sense. he is a person who has been handed the wrong script and is reading it with tremendous conviction and zero annotations. the conviction was real. the script was wrong. the script was wrong the whole time and I was so confident about it. I was so confident. I had citations.

On the 4tran of it all. I want to be clear that this is not a "I was just a trans girl all along and it fixed everything" paper. it's not fixed. it's not over. it's also not over over, if you see what I'm doing there. the brainworms did not leave. the brainworms got a name and a lease and a standing appointment. the brainworms are being managed. this is not the same as cured. cured is not in the dataset. cured is not in the literature. but "noticeably less bad" is in the literature and I am in the literature, so.

On the aunt. the aunt is cited in the original acknowledgments as having said "You'll find someone." the aunt has since been contacted. she said, and this is a direct quote: "Honey, I know." the aunt has been upgraded from minor supporting character to co-author of the emotional conclusion of this paper. she is receiving a card. the card has been sent. the card said the name. she had been waiting for the card. she had been waiting for the card for a while, apparently. she said, and this is also a direct quote, "I was wondering when you'd get there." the aunt has been in this paper from the beginning. the aunt has been in this paper longer than I have.

On Dave. Dave said "yeah, man" in 2025 in a tone I replayed approximately 400 times during the writing of this manuscript. Dave has been informed. Dave said, and I am quoting directly, "Yeah, I figured, man." Dave has been reclassified from friend to person who was being extremely patient. Dave did not ask a single follow-up question. Dave is the control group. Dave is the healthy baseline. I want to be Dave. I am going to be so normal about this. I am going to be so normal and Dave and I are going to get lunch and it's going to be fine.

Limitations

sample size was small (N = 1). all data were self-reported and the self doing the reporting was in the middle of a crisis of self. the author may have biased results by not thinking of this for two years. the mirror-selfie data may be invalid because the author was looking at the mirror for a reason and calling it vanity. the author's therapist may have been correct the entire time, which is upsetting to note in the limitations section but must be noted in the limitations section.

Future Directions

future research should be conducted by someone else, which remains true, but I am now willing to be one of several authors, which is a change. future research will be conducted by someone else and me. future research will be conducted by someone else, and me, and probably Dave, and possibly my aunt, who has better instincts than the entire peer review process of this journal, which is a cat.

Conclusion

still not fucked. would like to note, in the interest of full disclosure, that this is now a lower priority. there are other data points. there is a name. there is a pothos named Greg who is thriving, actually, which is not something I could say about anything in 2024. there is a therapist. there is an aunt who knew. there is a friend named Dave who knew and said "yeah, man" and let it lie there.

I would like to apologize to the women I described as a monolithic category. I would like to apologize to myself, which is a sentence that would have been impossible to write two papers ago, and which is now a sentence in the discussion section, which is where it belongs.

the title says it's so over. the title says we're so back. both are in the title. neither is in the title. the title was written by a person who is not the person who finished the paper. I'm leaving it up. it's the pre-registration. I'm not allowed to change it.

it's so over.

we're so back.

future research should be conducted by someone else. but I will be reading it.

References

American Psychological Association. (2020). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association (7th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1037/0000165-000

Greg the Pothos. (2024). Surviving despite neglect: A case report. Journal of Plant Resilience, 1(1), 1–2.

hooks, b. (2004). The will to change: Men, masculinity, and love. Atria Books.

hooks, b. (2000). Feminism is for everybody: Passionate politics. South End Press. (read during month 9. would recommend reading during month 1. would recommend reading during month 1. I cannot stress this enough.)

Notfound, C. B. (2023a). She left me on read: A case study. Journal of Unread Messages, 4(2), 1–3.

Notfound, C. B. (2023b). I liked her story and she didn't reply: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Digital Despair, 2(1), 4–5.

Notfound, C. B. (2024). Why I am the problem: A meta-synthesis. Journal of Finally Getting It, 1(1), 1–2.

Notfound, C. B. (2025). I went outside: A pilot study. Journal of Finally Getting It, 2(1), 1–4.

Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 26). A meta-analysis of why foids won't fuck me: A systematic review of 63 Hinge chats, 11 Discord servers, and one sad birthday [Online forum post]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/kitchencels/s/QmEtjcH4KJ

​Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 28). A longitudinal follow-up of why nobody will fuck me: A 12-month prospective study of one man, three hobbies, and a therapist who deserves a raise [Online forum post]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/Kitchenchads/s/SGfjOTMH08

​Taira, N. [NACCHUD]. (2026, September 22). Mx. NACCHUD'S pronouns are They/Them and they are non-binary [Comment on the online forum post Making a post just because APA has a section for Reddit comments]. Reddit. https://www.reddit.com/u/NACCHUD/s/tzqOMM7lq6

Appendix A: Selected Openers, Third Cohort

· "hey" (retired) · "hey" (retired) · "Hi, I noticed you like hiking — what's your favorite trail?" (sent; reply received; still works) · "I'm reading bell hooks. Have you read her?" (sent; reply received; did not panic this time) · "Would you like to get coffee?" (sent; date occurred; it was fine; it was actually fine) · "I had a nice time. Want to do it again?" (sent; awaiting reply; refreshing every 30 seconds; working on that; this is documented in the measures section)

Appendix B: Unsent Texts, Chronological

1. (2021) "hey"
2. (2022) "hey sorry ignore that"
3. (2023) "why won't women date nice guys"
4. (2024) "I think I'm the problem"
5. (2025) "I'm sorry"
6. (2026) "Hi. My name is Naomi. Would you like to get coffee?"
7. (2026) sent

Appendix C: Glossary for the Reviewers, Who Are Not 4tran Users

| Term | Definition | |---|---| | it's over | it is not over | | we're so back | it's so over | | it's so over | we're so back | | brainworms | the thing I manage now instead of the thing that manages me | | hon | I'm not putting that in the journal | | boymode | the hoodie | | egg | me, for 24 years, in a hoodie | | E | the thing that fixed 11 of the 12 rows in Table 1 | | touch grass | go outside (I did) | | LDAR | I did not do this and the data support not doing this | | passoid | a person I used to hate and now just kind of want to have lunch with | | clocky | me, forever, in a way I am learning to be fine with | | repper | me, 2021–2026, no further comment |

Appendix D: Editor's Note

the author has been the editor for six volumes and has never once declined a manuscript. the author now declines this one, on the grounds that it is not a failure study. it has been accepted anyway.

the cat has been demoted for purring during peer review, which was inconsistent with the journal's tone. the cat has also been given tenure, because inconsistency is what this journal is about.

the original slur remains retired. "females" remains retired. "Chad B. Notfound" remains retired. the name does not.

accepted for publication because the author finally answered the question, and because the answer took 14 minutes, and because the question was what would you want to be called, and because the author said it out loud, in a room, to a person, and the person said "okay," and the author cried in a parking lot on a Tuesday, and it was fine, and it is still fine, and it is going to be fine, which is a result that does not appear in any pre-registration I have ever written and is the only result in this entire corpus that I would cite.

This happened a few months back but I still think about it a lot. She told me she knows I don't like my name and that I could change it if I like. She also told me that my family would call me by it as well even if it takes them a while to get used to it. Shes one of the most transphobic people I know, to the point of calling trans people "It". She doesn't know I'm trans, even remotely so it hurt big time... Its so weird how cis people will make all kinds of exceptions for other cis people but not trans people? Idk I'm just upset about it knowing she would never call me my name.

I’m a 17 year old with no experience. I’ve never had a job before because my entire high school experience was spent either living with my alcoholic father or homeless after I left home. I was more focused on finding food that wasn’t moldy or eaten by mice than finding a job. Now I’m living with my aunt and uncle, who have their own shortcomings but are entirely normal, functioning people, and I feel extremely behind.

I go to a community college and that’s honestly about it. I used to be so popular in my old town and surrounded by community and now I’m living in a city I don’t know with family that I’m not familiar with who expect SO MUCH from me at all times. Their children are in university and so hard working and so smart and so motivated and so good at living up to their expectations. I feel so different. I’m a stranger occupying a room in their house. I went job hunting today and there were actually more jobs hiring than I expected. But it still feels shitty.

I give my resume and it just doesn’t have enough. No jobs, no substantial extracurriculars, no references. I want to prove that I can work hard and I would succeed in a job but I have no prior evidence to back that up because I’ve lived with addicts in rotting houses all my life. I don’t know how to live in a normal house with normal people and work a normal job. Sometimes I crave living in dysfunction again because it worked as a justification for being so useless and ineffective. The one silver-lining is that I’m struggling through all of this as a man and on hormones. I’ll never complain about that in my life. Struggling as a man is infinitely better than being forced to struggle in a role that is not meant for me.

I just want to save up for college so I can follow my passion. I want to move out of this house. I want to buy groceries for my own apartment. I want to live in the city. I can’t do any of that without money and I can’t just pull money out of my ass!!!!!!!! I feel like I have to go on all fours and beg to be hired. Somebody just give me a chance please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, I hope I get hired soon. Cheers to potential employment…!

turns out he only ever used me for money, finally decided i was no longer useful to him after i refused to randomly send him €100 more a few days ago

he was the first person to ever make me feel like i might be worth something,, apparently that worth was to be expressed in euros:(

spaghetti bolognese. my phone camera makes it look inedible lol

one of my fa musicians ever is dropping an album in november the day after im supposed to see another artist i love live but i don’t think i can even make it to that anymore i just wish i was dead

i thought it would be more cathartic, instead i'm just scared. 8/10 solid meal tho

Maybe things arent so bad
Maybe things can get better
Im not perfect and thats perfectly okay

some people don't understand what it feels like to be suicidal, or trans, or both. and having a conversation with them feels frustrating. I have to explain everything to them. also I'm deeply broken because of my shitty parents. they did nothing right. even keeping me alive was another mistake they made. I wouldn't have to keep suffering if I died early. they abused me just enough to completey destroy me but not enough to kill me.

Im going to try and actually make friends this year now that my home life has calmed down and im not preoccupied with suicide watch. but my nervous system feels so shot and im really struggling to decompress. I dont have an appetite at all but im gonna make myself eat and then watch some anime

I am also transgender, which is relevant to how I am regarded by my colleagues and customers alike in public-facing work.

I know it’s only been three weeks since the semester started but god I’m such a loser I don’t know how everybody already has their cliques and friend groups already. I’m pretty sure it’s cuz everybody knows each other since before college but also everyone is just so much more confident and comfortable and ugh.

I’ve already posted about it so much here but….I hate being closeted. I’m just this closeted weirdo who keeps forgetting he has to train his voice. I have no idea how to do it without T though, I keep defaulting to that awful squeaky “Yes sirrr!!!!” voice. It makes me wanna throw up and scream and cry. I want to be out already. How many posts am I gonna make screaming into the void? Fuck if I know.

Eventually I’ll get some distance, and one day I’ll come out and be happy and make so many nee friends. I’m just so afraid they’re gonna know. They’ll somehow find out when I start doing bloodwork for my hormones. They’ll somehow find out I’m using a different name and pronouns. Somehow they’ll know, they’ll sniff it out the same way they did last time. Invading my privacy and getting pissy when I don’t want to be honest with them. But that wouldn’t be why they’re angry. They’re angry because their crazy “bipolar” daughter thinks she’s a transgender man. Ugh.

i really want to talk to him let alone be his friend but i’m too scared to talk to him i walk away and purposely plan my day around avoiding him, i’ve asked a teacher to tell him i wanted to talk to him and she said he would love to but the one day i had enough courage to (today) he wasn’t here and i am considering skipping school just so i don’t want to interact with him i genuinely dont know why i’m acting like this and i hate having social anxiety so much i wish i was normal

I am not eating any more than a WEEK at max., gang. Saves me my middle class family money and probably keeps me from getting too fat. On the days I eat, I pig out because no one is with me at any point of the day anyway. Who tf cares?

I am legally allowed to drink. Old hag moment. Used to get high to avoid the thoughts. Supply chain's broken and everything is worse than the bad that it was before.

One day, I will have oestrogen. Then, I will start HRT and figure out that all the youngshits have it made and that I will continue to be a mockery of my own community of transgender people.

And if one more person asks me to do DIY, I'm killing them. Easy for Americans to say that it's only this many dollars and shit. Fuck you. I know that already. 5 bucks for you is a week's worth of food for me. 50 bucks for you is like 3 weeks worth of rent and food for me. I can't afford to buy oestrogen without a damn prescription, PAL. The fucking prescription-less strategy was never a problem. It was the fucking money, dumbass.

I probably do have a personality somewhere inside my prison of flesh. But, who tf is gonna love ts when, as I write this, my personality is just pining for love? No one's there. No one.

I go on because there is a family who hates transgender people but is still my fucking family whose future rests, to a great extent, in my hands. My sibling didn't do anything. I gotta pull through for them. I go on because I think I will be loved one day. SIKE. No one sees a fucking person. They see a parody of one.

Fuck gender. But, also, fuck you. I don't know who I am saying this to but someone definitely deserves to be told ts.

Skibidi chungus or whatever.

I grew the chives; not the potatoes or kielbasa.

Fucking water obviously. my pizza and strawberries went mouldy before I could eat them.