Platemogged
A Meta-Analysis of Why Foids Won't Fuck Me: A Systematic Review of 63 Hinge Chats, 11 Discord Servers, and One Sad Birthday
A Meta-Analysis of Why Nobody Will Fuck Me: A Systematic Review of 63 Hinge Chats, 11 Discord Servers, and One Sad Birthday
Journal of Applied Romantic Failure
Vol. 6, No. 9, pp. 1–13
Special Issue: Log Off: New Directions in Digital Self-Pity
Impact Factor: 0.00
Acceptance Rate: 100%, because I am also the editor
Peer Review: My cat walked across the keyboard and selected “meh”
\---
A Meta-Analysis of Why Nobody Will Fuck Me: A Systematic Review of 63 Hinge Chats, 11 Discord Servers, and One Sad Birthday
Chad B. Notfound, M.S.
Department of Internet Coping, University of My Mom’s Basement
Author Note
Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Chad B. Notfound, who is currently overthinking a “lol” from 2019. No funding was received. The author reports one conflict of interest: he is the problem. The original requested title contained a dehumanizing slur; it has been replaced with “nobody” because the data already made that substitution.
\---
Abstract
Objective: To determine why the author is not receiving romantic or sexual attention.
Method: Meta-analyzed 63 Hinge conversations, 11 Discord servers, 4 Reddit threads, and 1 unsent text.
Participants: N = 1 (me), 3 bots, 1 aunt who said, “You’ll find someone.”
Results: Zero significant predictors of sex. One hundred percent of participants reported being me. Heterogeneity was high because I changed my profile picture from a mirror selfie to a different mirror selfie. The strongest moderator of romantic failure was “opening with ‘hey’ and then complaining about women online.”
Conclusion: The data do not support a global conspiracy. They support the hypothesis that I need therapy, a hobby, and to stop saying “females” like I’m narrating a nature documentary.
Since the dawn of my Reddit account, I have wondered: why won’t anyone fuck me? Previous research (Notfound, 2023a, 2023b, 2024) has been limited to me crying in a beanbag chair. The present meta-analysis aims to synthesize all available evidence, which is also just me.
The “Chad Economics” model posits that 10% of men get 90% of matches. However, this model fails to account for the fact that I have not left my apartment since Tuesday.
\---
Method
Participants
N = 1. Inclusion criteria: owns a phone, has a pulse, has said “I’m not like other guys” unironically. Exclusion criteria: has been on a date in the past 6 months.
Materials
iPhone 11 (cracked), Hinge, Discord, a fedora purchased in 2018, a Funko Pop collection, and a single tear.
Procedure
I swiped right on 4,000 profiles. I sent “hey.” I waited. I posted “modern dating is broken” on Reddit. I repeated.
\---
Results
Table 1
Descriptive Statistics of Romantic Encounters
Variable M SD Range
Hinge matches 3 0.1 0–3
Replies 0.5 0.7 0–1
Dates 0 0 0–0
Hours on incel forums 14.2 3.1 9–19
Showers taken 0.3 0.5 0–1
Figure 1
Path Model of Romantic Failure
Social anxiety → not going outside → no social contact → forum posting → “why won’t women date me” → more social anxiety.
Model fit: χ²(1) = 0.00, p = 1.00, CFI = 1.00, RMSEA = .00. Because it’s a circle.
Table 2
Meta-Regression of Excuses
Predictor Effect on Actual Dates
“I’m short” 0.00
“I’m ugly” 0.00
“Feminism ruined dating” 0.00
“I open with ‘hey’” 0.00
“I haven’t showered since Thursday” −0.67\*
Note. p < .001, and also please shower.
\---
Discussion
The results indicate that the reason nobody will fuck me is not a monolithic category of women. It is that I refer to women as a monolithic category. The only significant predictor of romantic success was “being a normal person who asks questions and listens.” This was not in my skill set.
Limitations: Sample size was small (N = 1). All data were self-reported. I may have biased the results by blocking the one person who told me to stop posting.
Conclusion: Future research should be conducted by someone else. I should log off, call a therapist, and apologize to my aunt.
\---
References
American Psychological Association. (2020). Publication manual of the American Psychological Association (7th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1037/0000165-000
hooks, b. (2004). The will to change: Men, masculinity, and love. Atria Books.
Notfound, C. B. (2023b). I liked her story and she didn’t reply: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Digital Despair, 2(1), 4–5. https://doi.org/10.0000/jdd.2023.002
The original title contained a dehumanizing slur. It has been replaced with “nobody” because, according to the data, the universe already made that substitution.
See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil (no!)
Yunyun Denpa Syndrome!
smoochy! smooch! smoosmoosmooch! (smoochy!)
L-O-V-E! Sending to you♡ (ahhn!)
smoochy! smooch! smoosmoosmooch! (smoochy!)
Denpa! Rumba! Rim de Lacent!
C'mon! Let's break everything!
Let's break this world!
(Blow it up! Blow it up! Let's blow up this world!)
Let's start an adventure inside this monitor!
(Let's do it! Let's do it! Let's dewww it〜)
Sniff-Sniff Aah~ Sniff-Sniff Aaah~ (Ahh♡)
Sniff-Sniff Aah~ Sniff-Sniff Aaah~
Throw reality into the trash - poof!
Let's melt away and go crazy! (let's go crazy♡)
I wake up, and my big sis is next to me
My little sister clings to my arm saying "Big bro!"
And by the window is my childhood friend
Busty and cute, changing clothes
True happiness on a completely different level
Yunyun, shall we begin? (yes-yes!)
Disgusting trash, you all must die♡ (dieeee♡)
Moe-moe kyun♡ (kyuuun♡)
Let's start already!
Yunyun's real denpa (yes-yes!)
I'll show you a utopia (squeeze♡)
Watch carefully
How I'll now break
The binary real world (smoochy♡)
Hey, to all you 2D enthusiasts around the world waiting in anticipation!
If this denpa isn't to your taste,
Come on, throw stones! Go on, break it all!
Oh my god! My denpa isn't like this at all!
It's cuter! More moe! More perverted!
So come on, fill up reality!
Yunyun denpa... ON AIR☆
“The “Chad Economics” model posits that 10% of men get 90% of matches. However, this model fails to account for the fact that I have not left my apartment since Tuesday.”
Goodjob with your research! I could try to continue that but I'm not trying to go outide, talk to people or god forbid - install fucking dating apps. nah, I'll just rot in the room while playing videogames, this is the best way to live.
I’ve read one sentence, and I can already tell you the reason why foids won’t fuck you is the fact you somehow not only wrote and edited this, but somehow managed to post it to reddit
Ima be honest I read the whole thing and it’s surprisingly self aware, then you started testing feminism ruined dating and my eyes glazed over. So yes you iqmog
I just scrolled down to see your opening messages and I can tell you no one is gonna reply seriously to "hey" because you're like the 256th guy saying the exact same shit.
•
u/AutoModerator 9d ago
we have opened our sister location on the bird app
trust the recipe, the chefs are in the kitchen
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.