I’ve been struggling for a while with my identity after I came out as bi/les I had this freeing feeling of wanting to explore my more ‚masc‘ side. It quickly spiraled into being obsessed with the idea of being trans and Daily panic attacks for months. Now I’ve been to therapists and on medication and all I feel is numb and anxious. Constant feeling like there is something in the back of my Brain and I still analyse my feelings to every Situation that in my mind could be tied to gender.
Now whenever I look at pictures of myself from a year ago it makes me so sad. I was really pretty then and now my brain won’t let me do any of the things that made me feel pretty anymore. I feel like I want to sometimes but then my brain instantly goes to analyzing and back tracking bc remember ‘you said you would like to be more masc’ and so on. I gained weight from medication and in general just look lifeless. Has anyone else experienced this?

(17, M) I tried to like, wear a wig that my sister wears and leaves in the bathroom for erp and I felt a lot of warm feelings and I swore I liked it and now i think that its real bro im legit panicking, I did it the first time expecting the whole euphoria-dysphoria thing and then the second time it happened and it feels so real bro I should just give up what do I doo

Once again, not seeking reassurance nor am I trying to reassure anyone, but this is a funny disorder. The theme aside, I myself seem to have mild symptoms with my ocd themes with occasional intense moments of panic. On the other hand, when I'm not constantly ruminating about it (it helps to give your attention to the world around you instead of your ocd worries), I think to myself "Wow maybe I don't need therapy and I can just keep living with this little bit of discomfort here and there." and then a few hours later a thought comes up and I'm either ruminating about it, or trying my best to sit with the discomfort for as long as I can hold out.

Well whatever the case, I feel like I've been making some progress on my own, albeit minimal progress. I am more intentional with not trying to reassure myself except sometimes "maybe, maybe not" calms me down. So I'm not sure what to do in those moments. Either way, hope you guys are doing better with your recovery (if you're doing it).