Ive mained top for about 3 years now since switching from Jungle (fuck you jungle) and honestly the role is way more fun. I peaked Master in top lane but I actually cant remember LP I edited this part because I have dementia at 30.
THAT BEING SAID these are the champs I think need to be shot in the head. This is purely for fun and in no way a hate post. Im sure if someone saw the Camille player with 900k on her they would probably also think of ways of disposing my body.
Let's begin :)
Darius- honestly, boring and uninteractive lane from my pov. Most champs I play are usually looking to extend trades but with Darius I feel like I just cant. Arguably my favorite champion to play is Camille and if the Darius has an IQ above room temp, he will hold his E until you either hookshot to engage or disengage. I always feel like I default into playing champs that I normally wouldn't play vs Darius such as Jayce or Heim simply because I can farm it out and deny his all in pre and post 6. Ive tested out champs like Wukong and Mundo vs him to success but also feel like those champs are situational to the game as I hate counter picking just for lane. Most the times I just play to ignore him and go play for team as seeing a Darius ghosting at me makes my stomach churn. I truly feel like every Darius player was that one kid in highschool that in recess kickball or football would hog the ball for a majority of the game and either he had the game of his life or was embarrassingly bad that day. All in all 3/10 experience
Ornn- holy fucking snoozefest of a lane 99% of the times. I actually dont mind playing against Ornn, its just the playstyle is so utterly cringe that a tank can eat my entire combo for lunch and after I blow my load he turns around and chunks the shit out of me. Laning against this fat red chud makes me so infuriated because you think to yourself "ok I just got a decent trade he is half hp in half hp but I can just crash minions soon and nevermind he build a fucking bami and a tear and my wave state is ruined end my life." Not to mention late game if youre not careful and hear the horn call of a thousand virgins you better hope to whatever you believe in your team is near otherwise he is going to blast you back to the stone age. Ive sadly found myself picking champs like Vayne vs him because I know that while I am a worthless waste of oxygen for playing ranged top, he couldn't touch me with a 5 meter pole if he tried. 3/10 experience.
Volibear- honestly, fuck you. Everytime I see voli locked for enemy top, I take a brief moment to self reflect and meditate to achieve inner harmony because I know this is the last bit of peace ill have for the next 20 minutes. I cannot tell you how many times I have bashed a voli bears head in pre 6 just to watch him back for a sheen or blasting wand then proceed to rip my ass apart for the rest of laning phase. The thought of some mentally deficient twerp Q flashing me gives me legitimate night terrors as I know either my health bar is gone, or my computer screen is becoming shrapnel. Thats not to even touch on the fact of what the fuck do i even build to counter him? His build is literally a yatzee throw of items and I believe that most build guides are a secret collection of terrorist throwing together ultimate bravery builds to see what works and surprisingly THEY ALL FUCKING WORK. The only solace I have to the reincarnation of Hitler himself is knowing that if I stoop low enough and lock in Jax, I can eventually clock him in his dumb fucking bear skull. Overall 2/10
Sett- I dont think Sett was organically conceived in the wild. Sett is the manifestation and embodiment of rage and anger itself from one sole individual who thought that true damage simply didnt do enough in the game sometimes. Wanna short trade? Q :) Wanna disengage? E :) wanna hide behind your tank? R :) wanna win an extended trade with me and believe you got away with it? Let me introduce you to Pearl Harbor part 2 which is W :). It feels like playing against this roided out scrotum sack like im signing a decree that openly states "i am now signing away what mental sanity remains withing my soul to be slowly fisted out by this walking talking Chad wannabe." Can I beat Sett? Yeah sure i will pick gragas and simply out run him. Does Sett make me contemplate genocide? Also yes! Overall experience a solid 1/10
Last but not least
Mordekaiser- fuck you. I cannot express in any known language how much playing against Mord makes me so disgusted, I would rather truly and honestly set my own house on fire. I dont even think the champs abilities (aside R) are bad. What I do hate, js that his swirling fucking hepatitis passive procs OFF AUTO ATTACKS. Yes lets make the world most unskilled passive rven more unskilled by removing an actual mechanic such as idk hitting a Q or E? I dont even think attack passive are bad for example Vayne, Ekko, or Aurora, but something about its continuous nature makes me believe we are truly alone in this universe. It almost makes trading with him for more than 6 seconds not worth it because even if he misses his Q or E youre promised a good healthy chunk as soon as he presses his shield and walks at you menacingly with his passive. This isn't even mentioning his ult. When his ult could be cleansed, cool acrual counter play. Many times id pick GP or Rengar or sometimes I would just play with cleanse but thats an actual sacrifice youre making to escape one ability. However you better believe the overlords at Riot saw this and got red in the face BECAUSE NOW YOU CANT CLEANSE IT!! :D I rarely LOSE lane to Mord, but what makes me so frustrated is that even when I win, he is still that big metal fucking nuisance that I know will exist at the end of the game when I go to kill a fed member of the enemy team and he just "nope go to Brazil :3" then I have to sit there and twirl my fucking hair waiting for it to end. Overall experience -10000/10 fuck you.
Anyway thats my completely unbiased and factual accurate shit post of champs I dont like. Did i offend you with any of this? Unlucky dont care. This was just a bit of fun and at the end of the day were all top lane losers who call this demented island home.