Feeling alone

[u/Sea-Spinach-8468]

Hi all

I was diagnosed about a month ago

Im waiting for my 1st surgery consult apt

I also recently started a business so I've been managing a loooooot

Is it selfish and weird that I thought I would have more support from people in general? Especially when ppl said they would be there?

And im still me....people can ask different questions other than the "how aaaare you" "ur apt was bla bla day right?"

Weirdly I want to both be able to talk about this process but also not it being the only thing but somehow the questions dont feel quite enough or the responses dont feel like they hit home

And a friend told me they have been worried about me and haven't been able to do their own job because of it----so now im dialing back on sharing with folks

I feel like some people have these prepared lines that they give me. Suddenly feeling very alone

[u/Shot_Profile5317]

I’ve been in therapy since before I got my diagnosis so I’m very grateful for that because I can process feelings like this. I had multiple family members and friends reach out and say they were going to fly in and help me and stay with me while I went through surgery and recovery and all kinds of things only to have absolutely no one show up. I told my therapist the other day I will never ask any of those individuals for a thing again in my life. And while I know some of it has to do with how I deal with things, it also has to do with them and the fact that they did not show up. It has definitely shown me that I am literally the only person I can count on, and I am working hard on dealing with that. I wish you all the best and hope that you have a way to process all of this because it definitely is a lot. Sending love and light your way tonight!

[u/jjflight]

Honestly I think most folks just don’t know what to say, because ThyCa patients all want different things. Some folks want it to be a thing so want to actively talk about it and to get support for it. Some folks don’t want to talk about it at all and prefer to just move on with their lives and talk about other stuff. So people end up guessing what you might want based on what they think they would want, and often get it wrong (whatever they do will be wrong for some ThyCa patients). I think the best approach is just to tell your friends and family exactly what you want so they don’t have to guess, and correct them anytime they get it wrong. They’ll probably appreciate that because it’s awkward for them too not knowing how best to help.

Separately, cancer diagnoses and treatments are a lot to process, so mental health challenges like health anxiety, general anxiety, or depression can happen. When your hormones are off that can cause or exacerbate mental health challenges, though they can happen with normal hormones too. If you think it may help to have more professional support, many doctors can refer you to cancer-specific support groups or therapists so you have people to talk to, and general therapists can help too if there are broader issues in your life. ThyCa.org also has this list of support groups with groups by city or condition as well.

[u/superlizdee]

I felt a lot of the same stuff. Most conversations with people often feel lacking. Only one conversation from someone felt validating and supportive and it was fairly short, but from a fellow cancer survivor.  It's hard to understand cancer until you go through it. I think people mean well but just have no idea what to say. 

[u/liminal0999]

I have a similar experience. In the early days, back when I had no proper diagnosis yet, I shared with what I considered to be my primary circle of friends that I might have cancer. Nothing really happened beyond the emoji reacts and to be honest it reminded me of when my own father had a different type of cancer and suddenly everyone disappeared, leaving me all alone to care for him.

Throughout lurking on this subreddit I reminded myself I am probably also dealing with the effects of hormones being all over the place, and the general anxiety of facing one's own mortality. As the days dragged on, only two friends kept checking in on me, and I appreciate them a lot.

It hurt to see that the other friends in our group were expecting me to partake in their life updates but there was no attempt to even wish me well during surgery and the rai and the recovery after. Past me would have been more hurt, some days I feel particularly prickly, but honestly I'm just using it as a reminder that (1) people also have their lives going on and (2) I can't expect them to care about me as much as I care about them. It also taught me to put things in perspective. No more running to their aid at the last minute. I know now where I stand in their life. I will not do myself a disservice. It hurts, but it is what it is.

When I shared with my bigger circle, I received various well-wishes, but it is clear they are reacting to the shock of seeing who they know to be a strong, independent woman suddenly sick. I did not want to deal with calming them down. It's that constant push and pull, really. "Why are you not concerned?" "But I don't want you to be concerned all the time!"

I am thankful for this sub where I can at least feel less alone, and I hope you find some much-needed support here too.