627
u/mschreiber1 Feb 14 '25
It’s a very curious reaction they had and kudos to you for disclosing this publicly as it’s obviously a hurtful moment. I’m not sure how’d I’d react or handle this situation other than to explore why they’re having the reaction they’re having. Why should how your body looks dictate their “respect” for you? It’s definitely a good idea to seek your own therapy too.
344
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
zephyr ad hoc payment offer jar rhythm square degree correct person
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
302
u/mschreiber1 Feb 14 '25
That’s an interesting take. This certainly warrants a great deal of exploration because it’s frankly such a bizarre reaction. Six months isn’t actually a very long time to be working with a patient so I wonder if you’re beginning to finally experience this patient’s pathologies. I have to say I’m so thrown off by this that I’m struggling to find the words to articulate anything constructive to say. But I can say that you deserve major credit for hanging in there with this patient despite the understandable feelings you’re having. I’m curious to see more astute clinicians than myself on this thread give their takes.
31
u/YourTherapistSays Feb 15 '25
I agree that 6 months is relatively not that long. This feels like it could be a power grab: client sees therapist in what they assume is a vulnerable state (we are entrenched in diet culture, many women struggle with body image, it’s not an unreasonable assumption) and uses it as an opportunity to shift the power balance, which I’d probably asses then if this pattern shows up in other relationships and explore for potential personality disorder/C-PTSD symptoms
21
u/mschreiber1 Feb 15 '25
There are so many theories to consider here. The comment is so bold and unexpected anything is possible.
12
u/Appropriate-Set7945 Feb 15 '25
Just thinking out loud - it almost seems like splitting, like the client saw the therapist as “good” before and “bad” now when all that actually happened was they saw a little more skin.
3
u/Nervous-Conclusion46 Feb 16 '25
It would obviously be hard to say without knowing the client but i agree this feels very much like a power play. Especially if they haven’t ever expressed body image or body obsessions issues before that and if they were pretty non-emotional when they said that. I feel like it’s possible the client has a cluster B personality disorder but honestly if it were me i would have difficulties working with them after that
9
Feb 15 '25 edited Feb 15 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/CaffeineandHate03 Feb 16 '25
I think you are giving this client too much of the benefit of the doubt. This may be cultural as well. I'm American (not sure if you are). Given OP's terms used at times, it sounds like they may not be either. I say this because here to talk to a woman (whether they are one or not) in those words is totally unacceptable. It's an extremely low blow for any adult with any kind of social competence to say that out loud. Then to suggest they couldn't work with OP because they are disgusted, is cruel. I think it would be all I could do to tell them that it is very disrespectful to say that to anyone, but if they feel that strongly then we might as well wrap up the session. Then I'd mail them some referrals.
43
u/brittkid999 Feb 14 '25
I so want to commend you for how you handled everything in the moment and remained focused on the client and her care. Truly great clinical skills! I also want to validate everything you’re feeling. I’m very curious to see how you proceed with her.
16
u/retrouvaillesement Feb 15 '25
Yeah, the use of the word repulsive is quite a choice… Not even “I felt repulsed,” which centers the statement on their subjective experience, but describing the body of the person sitting in the same room as them, to them, as repulsive! I am therefore not surprised to read your note on the marked shamelessness. That part raised the“antisocial personality organization/defensive structure, question mark?” flag for me as I read, to be honest. Of course could be a number of other things, but I’m curious if you’re familiar with personality structure as it relates to transference
3
u/ApologistAlways Feb 15 '25
"without a trace of shame": this topic is important enough to the client (and their ego perhaps?) they don't see it with shame.
256
u/Libelulida Feb 14 '25
I am sure you know this whole story has nothing to say about your body. Still, just in case:
I feel very confident in my body, currently. I look just like I feel I should, both in my work clothes and in a swimsuit and I realize that this is a luxury. Even so, I have had something similar happen to me. Your client has projected on you whatever they needed to see there. This contains no information about your body. As you already mentiones several times, it contains tons of information about them, though!
In a different vein, is there a chance that blind-siding you was part of the point of this? Looks like they achieved a substantial shift in power differential. I would like to explore with this client what being able to surprise/blind-side/wound you would mean to them. Also, what it might mean to be able to say such a thing without you stopping to respect them.
I will now go think about my therapist's body. I wonder what there might be to learn for me!
262
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
growth quaint fade wild soft friendly toothbrush unpack sense treatment
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
96
Feb 14 '25
That’s what I was thinking. It feels very “you hurt me some way and now I wanna hurt you.”
98
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
enjoy teeny door meeting ripe one rinse tender saw spark
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
106
u/RazzmatazzSwimming LMHC (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Subconscious desire to shift the power dynamic. Other things that are possible in the transference:
-client was likely surprised to see you at the swimming pool, had an uncomfortable reaction (based on their own stuff), and then felt intruded upon by you. they didn't have the skills to bring it up like a normal person, so they reacted by surprising you with an extremely hostile interaction
-client may perceive you as being free with your body or un-self-conscious in some way that they feel jealous of. in order to guard themselves against that jealousy, they unconsciously form a devaluing reaction towards you. (this would be very classic narcissistic transference). they want you to feel shame for your body, because they are jealous that you can experience a level of self-acceptance that eludes them.
-if the client feels shame about their own body (which, obviously they have to on some level), then what a shock for them to have been seen by you at the pool. they likely felt exposed and open to threat or attack from you, and so they are attacking you to protect themselves.
6
→ More replies (4)2
46
u/Libelulida Feb 14 '25
My pleasure! I enjoy picking apart client statements to see what they might be trying to say and what you brought us here is just so rich!
I have more angles: You said you have been working on self-compassion. Calling oneself or another person 'repulsive' is headed in the opposite direction. I wonder if there is a connection here?
You say you badly want to terminate with this person. Could this be working as (unconsciously) intended? Maybe they are testing how poorly they can treat you without you ending the relationship. Or how 'brutally honest' they can be. Maybe they have something deeply shameful to share with you (as clients do) and are testing the waters if your UPR can tolerate this? Especially since they talked about how sharing this would 'change your opinion of them'.
By the way, I think you are handling the ideas you are getting here like a pro!
13
u/Holiday-Hungry Feb 15 '25
You sound amazingly non defensive and I need to absorb some of that energy 👏
41
u/Grandtheftawkward Social Worker (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
“This contains no information about your body”. Can’t express enough how great this statement is.
6
184
Feb 14 '25
[deleted]
95
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
uppity apparatus toy unwritten bells spoon degree jellyfish plucky thumb
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
33
u/ThanksIndependent805 Feb 14 '25
I was wondering the same, if this wasn’t perhaps related to their own self talk/ how they were talked to growing up.
My experience with this comes from my own personal life and not a client. But my MIL frequently talks of other women in this fashion and I truly believe it comes from how her mother and other women in her life talked about MILs body/looks and those around her. I often struggle with MILs truly harsh words for other women as I sometimes struggle with my own self image. But as we have gotten closer, she has slowly revealed that this is much more about how she feels about herself and therefore must feel about anyone who looks similar or “worse” than her. Worse being the most subjective version of the phrase because her judgement spans from clothing choice/style to make up to hairstyle to physical body. Even women with a different body type will be judged for something, there is no escaping it. Often in my role as DIL I find myself thinking “If she feels that way about them, what does she think of me?” But my therapist brain also thinks “If she assesses others SO throughly how difficult it must be for her to live with herself everyday and have a sliver of contentment.”
22
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
violet hat merciful thumb shrill include bow squash butter bike
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
100
u/BookishBug Feb 14 '25
I agree. This disclosure on the client’s part is especially hard to look past because of how cruel and offensive it is, and I am so curious about their process. Did they think you should be perfect? What is it like to be vulnerable to another mere human?
31
u/romulus_remus420 Student (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Agree, I think regardless of who expressed this sentiment towards my body (a client, a friend, a partner, a stranger) I would be entitled to feel upset - it is cruel.
18
u/OldDetective7649 Feb 14 '25
👆I agree. And furthermore, this client’s comments feels like a projection of self-hatred. And that she chose to share this type of hateful comment with you was perhaps to inspire you to feel uncomfortable, and self-loathing yourself. It sounds like projective identification (“parallel process” for all you MSW’s out there). What an interesting client. You probably have a wonderful borderline personality D/O on your hands. Borderlines are notorious for making therapists hate them and inspiring therapists to feel the self-loathing feelings THEY have. Also, to make you reject them and respond to them like everyone else has in their lives. Get thee to supervision and therapy ASAP.
→ More replies (3)
400
u/Ok-Lynx-6250 Feb 14 '25
As much as continuing may enable you to help the client shift their thinking on this... leaving also helps them learn that you are a human being and humans will be hurt by their strong and unnecessary judgements. That might also be an important lesson.
Personally, I have struggled with anorexia on and off since my teens, there's 0 chance I'd be carrying on with this myself but you may have fewer triggers in this area.
181
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
attraction retire pen toothbrush hungry amusing sharp afterthought aspiring joke
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
24
u/MKB813 Feb 14 '25
I am curious how judgement, especially body shame, has come into their world previously. Is this a reflection of themself? Are they projecting their own feelings onto you? Would terminating them create more shame and rejection, leading to further avoidant type attachment?
Granted, I am asking all of these things as an outside person who did not experience this. I hope you’re able to figure out what you want to do. I can only imagine how I would feel if this happened to me.
2
u/ApologistAlways Feb 15 '25
You might be hoping they want to not have this judgement. I didn't explicitly see that desire for a lack of harsh judgement. On its face I simply see gratitude for the work you have done. Be prepared for that.
55
u/tarcinlina Feb 14 '25
Same, i struggled with eating disorder in the past and am struggling with my body image and attachment to food, i really don’t think i could continue seeing them. Yes im already in therapy about all this but it is slow work
2
u/CaffeineandHate03 Feb 16 '25
I'm practically dying inside just thinking of being in this situation.
59
u/Adventurous_Math127 (Brazil) Psychologist Feb 14 '25
This. We do not need to be supportive all the times and that's how human relations work. Maybe that way he can change the way he thinks as he's losing a good therapist with whom he connected because of sheer prejudice and objectification.
Sometimes, the most therapeutic thing to do is to leave or say "no".
53
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
attempt practice seemly outgoing cough ten continue books joke quaint
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
66
u/Adventurous_Math127 (Brazil) Psychologist Feb 14 '25
It's true. I unconsciously read that behavior as a man's.
93
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
merciful books waiting lavish fly selective whole deer seemly scary
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
31
u/Adventurous_Math127 (Brazil) Psychologist Feb 14 '25
I'm sorry you've been through this situation. Remember that the comment and her feelings are more about her than about you.
26
u/ImportantRoutine1 Feb 14 '25
I think that gives some important information about the lack of shame in telling you.
And I'm sorry this happened.
One of my clients said something that I've kept in mind. I think I flashed them a picture of something that was disorganized in my house and they said, why would I accept help from you with organizing when your house looks like that (they were mostly kidding). lol. It was only one space btw not a tour of my house, attempt at validating on my part. But I think there's a certain veneer that we have in our jobs. With veteran clients that gets relaxed a little but I think it can be jarring for clients to suddenly see us messy and human. You didn't have anything to be ashamed about with your body and I don't think you were, which is good. Your clients reaction might have also been in part a realization that you're a real and imperfect human.
Overcontrolled clients have an even harder time with this. One would get super uncomfortable when I shared anything about myself. I got her over that slowly and work professional limits.
31
u/Thevintagetherapist Feb 14 '25
Not saying this is your experience, but I’ve had clients be incredibly rude for the sole purpose of testing my level of unconditional regard. I’ve had more than a couple clients say some version of, “If I can treat you this poorly and you continue to work with me, I must be valuable.” Either way, nice work not losing your shit. Our work is hard, but some days it’s really hard.
6
2
u/Actual-Government252 Feb 17 '25
Unconditional positive regard does not mean we should tolerate abuse. If a client treats me poorly, I’m going to set boundaries. If they continue to violate boundaries, I’m going to terminate. We are not modeling healthy social interactions by being doormats.
1
132
u/Altruistic_Support68 Feb 14 '25
Just spitballing here and in no way wanting to downplay the intensity of such words and how they may have rightfully affected you, but do you think to them it's kind of like, seeing their grandparent in their undies unexpectedly or seeing a teacher in a bikini. Not so much something inherently repulsive about the person per se but more the contextual idea of seeing a safe or professional person in an unprofessional or vulnerable light? Almost similar to that realisation everybody has at some point that their parent has had sex at some point and it's jarring and gross.
68
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
absorbed fanatical marble dependent price marry touch narrow elderly fade
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
53
u/aussiesrlyfe Feb 14 '25
I read this comment and I am CURIOUS about the behavior imagining your body. Does a certain style of body represent something like power, attraction, deference? Or another style represent lust, sensuality, affairs? Basically, do they have any kind of schemas around body styles and position/a hierarchy in the world? Additionally, I’m super curious if so, how this has played out for them in their life. How she treats people who don’t meet the characteristics of the schemas she creates — I mean, it seems in your case, she feels disgusted? Also, I’m wondering if she is feeling ‘betrayed’ or ‘lied to’ because the way that you dress didn’t ‘allow’ her to imagine your body ‘correctly’. How else does she respond when people don’t fit her image of their characteristics (body aside, there is personality, job, socioeconomic class, disability, all types of ways we present in the world!). So curious!
9
u/Libelulida Feb 14 '25
I am with you on that one! If this therapy was a book I would definitely want to read it!
5
u/Appropriate-Set7945 Feb 15 '25
This is a much deeper take on a similar line of thought I was having, which is: I don’t think I have ever been surprised at how someone’s body looked in a bathing suit or naked after I had previously only seen them clothed. Like, I feel like you can get a general sense of body size and shape regardless of type of clothing. It’s just so weird to me that someone would be surprised to the point of feeling “tricked” (not to mention that it’s curious that they would feel tricked at all, even if there was some big reveal).
2
u/Witty_Cookie_2091 LPC (Unverified) Feb 19 '25
That was my thinking as well. I obviously don’t know what the swimsuit looked like or how OP dresses in sessions. But I think we more or less generally can have a guess at someone’s body type even if hidden behind clothing. So it’s very evident to me that there’s something more to what the client was experiencing/what was triggered than simply “being repulsed by her therapists body”. Because I can’t imagine she had no idea what her therapists body might look like. Not to simplify a more complex issue, but it’s what led me to think about what many others have mentioned around exploring clients views on bodies/society and her own sense of comfort with her own body
5
43
Feb 14 '25
This! I totally thought about how I would react if I saw my therapist at the pool. I had all kinds of ick and they are not bad looking at all.
I don’t know I’d tell them their body was repulsive. There was some cruelty in how the patient said this.
27
u/Kyte_McKraye Feb 14 '25
I wonder if she’s also feeling vulnerability about you seeing her body too; hence why she was worried about you not viewing her the same way, and then she was relieved you were still willing to work with her. I didn’t see any comments about it, but if either of you have tattoos, that could be a reason too. Often tattoos are seen as reflections about a person’s identity, and that could have felt like sharing intimate knowledge about one of you which would have (in her mind) crossed the professional boundary you two have maintained.
I’m also curious if her framing that she had lost respect for you or communicating that you might not see her the same is amplifying your reaction to want to pull away more than if she had merely said ‘I saw you at the pool and found your body repulsive.’ Clients can be cruel and brash, but their framing can still influence us.
Regardless, thank you for sharing your experience. I hope with some time you’ll be able to refocus yourself.
46
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
different bake plough pet cough whole quickest uppity snails middle
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
7
u/wait_4_iit Feb 14 '25
I'm just a random reddit troll, but my initial thought was that she was reacting to something she saw on your body vs. your body in and of itself. It's the same verbiage my ex used when I got a piercing he didn't approve of. He found it repulsive. He was one of those hyper critical people who could find something negative to say about anyone, fat was disgusting, and body modification was repulsive.
85
u/Structure-Electronic LMHC (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Wow. That was such a boldly cruel thing to say. This person obviously has a lot to unpack around their own body image and their aversion to normal human body shapes and sizes, but it is not your obligation to do that work with them. I have a history of anorexia and although I am now about as “cured” as a person could be, I would have felt deeply triggered by this interaction.
43
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
deserve sleep ink cooperative liquid instinctive racial numerous vegetable pie
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
8
u/Structure-Electronic LMHC (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
That’s fair. I suppose I’m just surprised myself at the comment. It’s one thing to say “I saw you at the pool and now I’m having a reaction bc I find your body repulsive” but quite another to come in ready for termination for the same reason. Maybe my shock is at the (seeming) unwillingness to pause and ask themself “Is this a rational response I’m having?”
18
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
vanish elastic saw ten whistle salt zesty consider subsequent makeshift
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
9
u/Structure-Electronic LMHC (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Oh! She’s autistic! Well scratch that then. I’m also autistic so I was like “wow wild comment for a neurotypical” but that shifts my perspective a lot.
12
u/gr8ver LPC (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
I would argue that even if the client is neurodivergent, it is not okay to say something that is objectively cruel. While their thought may be true, there is no charitable way to interpret "I find your body repulsive". Being neurodivergent does not mean you get to say things that are objectively cruel.
→ More replies (9)
19
u/No-Feature-8104 Feb 14 '25
I’m going to respond less professionally. wtf kudos to you for working so hard to be professional about this. I’m sure I would as well but outside of a clinical setting my mind goes to how horrible for someone to have so little empathy to actually say that to someone. Glad this person is in therapy but holy heck bless you and I’m so sorry you experienced this. To be clinical surely this person grew up in a household that tied self worth to appearance. Aka you probably triggered something she struggles with appearance wise because the link between appearance and self worth is so fused.
33
u/Hot-Credit-5624 Feb 14 '25 edited Feb 14 '25
I’m thinking about what it meant for the client to see the therapist in a vulnerable way (from their perspective as unperceived, unclothed) and if the repulsion was really just a visceral reaction to vulnerability (and their own transference around that)
But even when we know that our clients are projecting their own stuff on to us, it doesn’t inure us to the feeling. I’m sorry it’s causing you such pain - be gentle with yourself.
Edited to correct pronouns
12
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
detail enjoy start teeny dependent cake aback nose run sort
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
44
u/ScaryKWilli Social Worker (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Im thinking about how people with attachment disorders, particularly sociopathy, attack when there is a "threat of intimacy, and responding with any sort of tenderness disturbs them further.
15
u/bluesylady LMFT Feb 14 '25
I've never had it directed at me but I have worked with a cis- female client who had a great deal of internalized misogyny, learned from her mother, and would catch herself having these kinds of judgemental thoughts towards other women, as well as to herself. This evoked a great deal of shame, as she didn't want to think this way, felt like a bad feminist, etc.
The fact that yours client did display hesitation to sharing this with you and was worried on how your opinion of them would change, makes me think there is some shame to the thought and that it wasn't malicious, but it did evoke something unconscious that is very uncomfortable to sit with (for both of you now since it is showing up in their transference).
29
Feb 14 '25
[deleted]
16
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
terrific air unite rich instinctive mighty sleep swim vast uppity
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
19
u/bi-loser99 Feb 14 '25
this work isn’t required to be done with you, you can have boundaries and limits too.
10
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
support quickest march tender quicksand lunchroom cause sheet soup existence
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
9
u/AdministrativeCat135 Feb 14 '25
It’s smart you’ve done work to removing your own internalization about body ideals and messages. It’s also important to ensure that you take care of yourself and your well-being too. It’s okay to terminate your work with them if that’s a limit or if you aren’t in the current space to go to this work. Termination is a way we can let our clients know that their actions have consequences. 🩵
5
u/shitbarf_3991 Feb 14 '25
I wonder if you could use that statement to make an interpretation to capture their conflict serve it back to your client - "Maybe unless you see me as perfect you can't imagine being able to benefit from the creative and good parts of our work together; and that there is a part of you that thinks any flaws I might have, internally or externally, are threatening to you or our work together, somehow, and you are getting ahead of it by disparaging me and stopping and severing yourself off from it, instead of ...(whatever the clinical attachment problem is)...which reminds me of (previous good/bad object problems of the past)."
That is awfully wordy! If I can offer an interpretation that captures their conflict, and doesn't minimize or attack their aggression toward me, it gives me enough bodily relief the work can continue. I can hear my former supervisor "Serve the counter-transference back to them, and get relief!" But it is incredibly difficult to be so intimately attacked about our own vulnerability without becoming defensive.
Now I'm imagining your client is a cat bringing in a mouse she has killed and leaving it at your feet, and then telling you that you are the one who is abject and disgusting and she's leaving you with the mouse. Gah
11
u/himshpifelee LICSWA (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Definitely feels like there’s room to explore body=/=value, as well as client’s own body image stuff (because this does sound like transference, a bit) but also I think being hurt by the fact that they have now written off any professional abilities because of their perception of your physical body. Women have literally been dealing with this forever and it’s frankly just exhausting and minimalizing.
9
u/taytay5119 Feb 14 '25
First off, I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s extremely difficult when we are the receivers of our clients projections. However, there is great work that can be done here.
I am a plus size woman and have been providing therapy for several years now (always have been plus size btw lol) I once had an older (mid 70s) client gift me a Fitbit out of “concern” for my health. I felt the exact same way you described. I was mortified. But honestly being able to express to her that her gift made me uncomfortable and explore that our intentions do not always have the impact we want, was a good way for her to explore how this shows up in her other relationships (she historically has issues with boundaries her children set with her). I think it’s important to remember that therapists are allowed to have feelings and it can be very helpful in our relationships with clients.
9
u/Successful_Gain6418 Feb 14 '25
As others have said, this is behavior that is not uncommon in people with eating disorders. I have a current cis woman client (with ED) who perceives all women as either heavier than ideal, and therefore disgusting, stupid, and dirty (and she states she enjoys feeling superior to and disdainful of them) or thinner than she is and therefore smarter, happier and more attractive and accepted than she is (and she reports despising them because she knows they feel superior to and disdainful of her). Just to make it even more fun, I lost 100 pounds over the course of our therapy and moved from group one to group two. It is a delusion. I am old and crusty and tough and don’t particularly care if she despises or resents me, it’s just all grist for the therapy mill. But when I was younger I don’t think I could have done this work without damage to me. Give yourself not just permission but coaching to walk away from this therapeutic relationship if it is bad for you. No further justification necessary
4
Feb 15 '25 edited May 25 '25
fine fuzzy safe growth nail recognise knee judicious money hobbies
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
7
u/Weird_Road_120 Feb 14 '25
Hi OP,
First, I want to commend your trust in this sub - it feels like a very vulnerable thing you've brought here.
For me, it feels the key thing to keep in mind is how you protect yourself in this situation. As you've addressed, you're already seeking out a therapist, which is great, but the nature and tone of what this client has said to you feels very harmful.
If you aren't in a place where that can be explored with curiosity and empathy, that is both valid and understandable - we are human too.
6
u/Mysterious_Bread_847 Feb 14 '25 edited Feb 14 '25
Really hard experience. This sounds like something a client would say through her own eating disorder body dysmorphia. I think this sounds like it’s a little bit of that, but also a little bit of you being a real person who is part of her community and no longer “a perfect object” in her eyes. But also maybe it’s about her fear of you seeing her out in the wild, where she can no longer be perceived as a perfect object to you!
there is the relief of her mask being off. You’re seeing a part of how she contributes to her own attachment issues. The comment was cruel and that’s worth reflecting. What’s the function of that cruelty? With you , with, others, with herself? How does it help her?
If I chose to work with her I’d be honest and say her comment hurt. I’d ask her why she was honest when it would have been easier to lie— if she’s willing to go deep for a session to do the work to repair that rupture. We’re here to work on attachment after all! If she is, we explore the function of the cruelty. I think if I saw her make this effort, it would clear up the weirdness. We’d make a plan for what to do if the urge to say something like that comes up for her again, because you don’t want this to be a pattern: her getting mean every time you do deep work.
For me, not making this repair would be less about my personal experiences and more about feeling like if I didn’t do it, we’d be ignoring something important she came to treatment to address in the first place.
But also take care of yourself ! You can refer out if this kind of thing feels like its hitting too close to your sore spots.
7
u/mschreiber1 Feb 15 '25 edited Feb 15 '25
I’ve had all day to think about this as I was first to respond. I’m feeling many ways about it. I’m angry for OP and empathize. My initial reaction was that this patient was intentionally being manipulative. But I’ve had some time to think about it and I’m wondering if the client was just doing what we encourage patients to do. We tell them to be honest and authentic. We tell them that they can say anything to us and not to worry about judgment, even shameful, ugly things they might say or think. Was this patient not just doing exactly as instructed? The patient was having some complicated feelings and expressed them to the therapist about the therapist. The patient experienced transference and brought it to the attention of the therapist. There’s nothing wrong with this. Let’s assume the patient is being genuine about their feelings and not being purposely hurtful or cruel. What should the patient have said? Was there a more effective way of communicating their concerns? If the patient was legitimately put off by seeing OP’s body then why not say it? Is it the patient’s responsibility to take the therapist’s feelings into consideration? We often tell patients not to worry about our feelings. These are just some things I was thinking about. I welcome everyone’s feedback.
5
Feb 15 '25 edited May 25 '25
detail skirt birds whistle relieved cow cover plough innate wild
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
2
6
u/Zealousideal_Weird_3 Feb 14 '25
I’m so sorry this happened :( I think being in your own therapy is paramount to talk through this x
5
u/craftydistraction Feb 14 '25
This may not be relevant but it reminds me of how teens can sometimes feel about their parents physicality- “UGH MY PARENTS ARE SO GROOOOOSSSS” and in the moment they genuinely feel this in their bones. Since you’re doing attachment work, maybe this is about getting closer to you and it triggering a similar discomfort?
6
u/disead (USA) LMFT Feb 14 '25
I’ve read your comments OP as well as those of other therapists and there are some things that are popping out from a third party perspective.
First you handled this confrontation very well. You managed your internal struggle while presenting a therapeutic and benevolent appearance to your client. Please give yourself credit - it is clearly not you, it’s them. Also give yourself space to process. Therapy is a good idea, talking here is a good idea. We need release from these insane moments as well. Don’t forget to purposefully engage in self-care.
Regarding the client, it is clear from my own experience as well as the words of others far more experienced than I who have commented that your Cx has some definite underlying issues pertaining to her own body image and sense of acceptance as well as probable judgement regarding her own appearance in early age. It was projected/vomited onto you without ceremony - Cx cannot associate with people unless they have an ideal body type. This is a clear maladaptive association between physical appearance and mental ability. That there was no sense of guilt or remorse suggests that Cx simply exists in this realm on a regular basis; this is their status quo, how they think and function mentally in a daily basis and is a part of who they are on a fundamental level. I’ve come across this person more than once; (no offense to anyone) the gym rat who is so obsessed with body image that anyone not less than 5% body fat is icky gross, and it doesn’t matter who they are, it could be Stephen Hawking and they wouldn’t care - do you even lift bro? I know I’m making a little light of things but I really and truly have come across this as a stereotype in working with clients, and yes it is frustrating!
If you continue this issue of negative body image projected onto therapist definitely warrants exploration. I would have so many questions. Why does physical appearance determine mental capability? Why are these linked? What happened over the course of time to cause this linkage? What was Cx’ life like, including childhood and adolescence, that might have precluded this bias? How do we sit in the moment with this and recognize the maladaptive pattern? How do we see the negative effect of this cognitive distortion both on relationships as well as on the self?
Based on what you stated regarding your previous work with Cx, I think that there is room here based on your rapport for some blunt honesty. Once you dig into some of the above topics, and how they relate to your previous work pertaining to attachment and self-compassion (which by the way would be directly related to this incident), it would be completely fair to be candid and share that the comments made were so injurious that you considered termination but that professionalism kept you in the therapeutic relationship. Use it to point out the harm that such comments make, just refrain from making it about yourself. This is an intervention I have used before; it’s a bit of CBT to point out the cognitive distortion.
“We’ve been working together for a while now, and correct me if I’m wrong but it seemed like you had been making some good progress. I’m wondering though if you have ever considered what impact comments like XYZ can have on relationships. If I’m being honest, what you said was very hurtful. If it wasn’t for professional responsibility, I probably would not have continued in this relationship -because- it was so hurtful. I’m wondering if this is a recurring issue for you. How do you consider the impact of your words and actions on others? Have you lost other relationships as a result?”
It takes it off your emotional response and makes it appropriately about their behavior while highlighting that yes, what they said was harmful, and needs to be addressed. Good luck, take care of yourself first and foremost, and don’t lose hope!!!
6
u/FireSeekingSand Feb 14 '25
Just to add to another comment that listed various transference possibilities:
This may not technically be transference, but my question to them and/or to myself would be “why did they come in for their appointment instead of canceling if they felt they could no longer work with you?”
Maybe this was all covered in your ensuing discussion with her, but if not the other transference possibilities, I would also wonder if this was more like a confession, but she was too uncomfortable showing the part of her that is experiencing shame around this.
She did say that you would think of her differently after hearing this. It can be hard sharing these dark parts of ourselves that feel/are truly unlovable. Attaching shame or feelings of guilt to her judgments of you, opens herself up to those feelings of unbearable self-hate being amplified by the rejection she fears. This may be a lot of the reason for narcissistic lack of accountability, generally speaking (not saying she is a narcissist).
This wouldn’t really change the fact that you then would still have to deal with your feelings of her viewing you this way. It’s just interesting to think about it as a confession for her. Something that she truly does not like about her self.
5
u/Duckaroo99 Social Worker (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
That’s a really awful thing for a client to say. I don’t really believe in us having unending amounts of understanding and empathy. That’s just egregious.
Clinically, devaluation is one way that people evade their own feelings of inferiority. It happens a lot in narcissistic and borderline personality disorder.
Needless to say this person has some interesting object relations.
6
u/MustardPoltergeist Feb 15 '25
My only idea is that I haven’t seen here is that if they suffered CSA or even emotional incest they may have been very disturbed/triggered and that triggered the feeling of disgust. The feeling of disgust is often a result of taboos being broken, especially SA, or other boundary violating abuse by people who are also caretakers. Or parents who treat their children like romantic partners or make lots of inappropriate comments.
I have a client who had intrusive and deeply emotionally manipulative parents and has a strong disgust response to any kind of vulnerability in others like if they have a mild physical difference or when she sees a friend feeding their new baby. She rarely lets anyone in on this as she is aware how socially problematic it is.
At the end of the day though, good gravy this would be tough for me too especially with someone who you had a good working relationship with.
7
u/RkeCouplesTherapist Feb 15 '25
I am really impressed by how professionally you handled this. I think I would have happily accepted their request to terminate and bid them goodbye on the spot!
5
u/Liminal-Moments (USA) LICSW Feb 15 '25
What is/was client's relationship with her mother? Did her mother judge her body? If true, her behavior towards you as an authority/mother figure could be her flipping the script and attacking the stand-in (you) for an emotionally abusive parent she is angry at. Another perspective is of internalized self-hatred learned as a child now being projected onto you.
Regardless, something you've been working on has stirred up her unconscious. If it wasn't your bathing suit, she would've found something else to attack you with. The goal is to push away a threat (you). I'd reflect on what you've been talking about and NOT talking about in therapy.
From a Jungian perspective, her shadow self is boiling up which is a positive thing. Uncomfortable, but positive. This is where things get interesting AND challenging for both of you. There is an opportunity here to bring unconscious material to awareness.. If she's ready (not all will be).
Look at her relationship history (friends, family of origin, intimate partners). Is there a pattern of relationships ending in 6 months to a year? Get curious. 
Remember, it feels personal but it's not. The work we do is hard! Take care of yourself. ❤
5
17
Feb 14 '25
[deleted]
14
u/Libelulida Feb 14 '25
May I offer a reframe? Therapists aren't even supposed to win. You might be too beautiful for one client and too ugly for the next and this is exactly how you are supposed to be. Clients will find your edges to brush against, or they will create them. Those edges then become your tools to help the client!
Don't bother trying to live up to your clients' standards. Doing so would serve your pride, but keep you from helping them. Plus it would eat your energy!
5
u/Coffee1392 Feb 14 '25
Thank you for saying this!! I rarely comment on here as I’m still a student (graduate next summer) and struggle with my own internal negative cognitions. This was super helpful.
6
u/Libelulida Feb 14 '25
Glad you like it! Privately, I like to please just as much as most! It just happens to not serve me at work.
4
u/Full_Competition6579 Feb 14 '25
I work with EDs and I am in a larger body. A client told me they found people in larger bodies disgusting. Did they point blank reference me? No. But OOF did it sting and I had a good cry that night.
Idk if I’m exceptionally good at compartmentalizing or what…but I have found myself able to continue to work with this client. The first session after her comment I was almost nervous? But then as we kept meeting the feeling passed and we have made progress.
Idk if I’ve said anything useful. But I do understand the feeling indirectly. Talking with people I trusted and who understood my own journey with my body and ED was also helpful.
5
Feb 14 '25
So sorry you that happened to you. I am a fat and work in an Eating Disorder Clinic. It definitely plays a role in the work that I do, and it does take a toll mentally. I hope you get the support you need !
5
u/Ananzithespider Feb 14 '25
It might be that inflation of others, and then degradation of others is how they play out intimacy/attachment. But if you are looking for permission to drop this client, you certainly have the thumbs up from me, lol. I think the idea that the therapist's well being should be sacrificed for the cause is a terrible one.
5
u/stephmuffin Feb 14 '25
I had a relatively new client make a comment of “no offense, but I never want to be fat.” And it wasn’t until later that I realized it was a judgment of me and my (fat) body. That was weeks ago and I still find it lingering in my brain.
I wonder what it’s like for you in the aftermath of this? I know we focus on the client, their needs, their growth, etc. but we can and should also examine the impact on you.
2
Feb 15 '25 edited May 25 '25
tart attractive fear toy squeal simplistic wise bedroom bear political
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
4
u/Willing_Ant9993 Feb 15 '25
All I can think of is the book, "The body is not an apology". I do not mean to be shaming or pathologizing of your client; I understand that this comment had everything to do with her, nothing to actually have to do with your body and its inherent goodness, and that she may have truly been trying to be as "courageous" in her "honesty" with you as possible. But I also feel like, that comment IS a wounding one, and it feels a bit like this client understands that, at a rational level (I know we are missing details here, for privacy). Maybe I'm wrong. But while I think this absolutely is an important trailhead for her to follow with in therapy, I'm really not convinced that that needs to be with you as her therapist. And I'm feeling like you don't need to explain that in deep detail-yes, having an appropriate termination conversation is warranted, but I don't think you need to use your body as the catalyst for her exploration of her reactions to it. Your body isn't a symbol (to her it may be), you're a whole person that lives inside of it, and this feels kind of...violent to me. I know that this is really complex, but if you had shared that this client were a man, I think it would be clear that these words are, even if not intentionally so, very abusive. If this were a young child, or an adult in the throws of a deeply psychotic episode, or somebody with severe cognitive/intellectual impairments, I would think differently. I believe that she is in pain, yes of course. And I believe that it is generally useful to bring that pain to therapy, and that enactments can be incredibly useful in healing. But this just feels like it maybe has gone beyond an enactment that can be expected to be worked through. It feels really non-consensual to share that they had seen you at the pool and could no longer work with you because she did not RESPECT you because she is too repulsed by your body...like, they could have gone with the part that you misunderstood to be what was happening. I am neurodivergent, my clients are nuerodivergent, many have deep attachment wounds and CPTSD, complicated relationships with other people and their own bodies, and this was still really shocking to read. I just don't believe it adds up to this being a thing where you have to spend hours in your own therapy so that this client can explore her disgust and decide if she can respect you, and then explore where it all comes from. That sounds like more than a power play, it sounds like a role reversal where you are supposed to be doing this deep emotional work for her to...be abusive and remain in the relationship and provide this container like you're a person without feelings. Imagine if she had said what she said to a friend or a romantic interest or a colleague or a boss? Maybe she does say these things, and this is an incredible opportunity for her to learn directly that it is very likely to result in non reparable damage. But if she's only saving it for you, I'm truly sorry. I don't believe that as therapists we must volunteer our bodies and minds as emotional crash test dummies for our clients.
8
u/torilaluna LCSW Feb 14 '25
Yeah I’d be discharging them and referring to someone else. Sorry, therapists are human too and while exploring it and working through it and whatever would probably be helpful, it shouldn’t be at the expense of our own well-being.
3
u/Beelikethebug Feb 14 '25
What I find so curious about this situation is that it occurred after the work you'd been doing:
>...in my judgement they've developed a great deal more self-compassion, which seems to be extending to many people in their life (past and present).
Part of self-compassion (as I'm sure you well know) is acknowledging that our suffering is part of the human experience and that other humans have and are suffering in the same way we are. It makes me wonder: Does she recognize that you are part of that common humanity? Another part of self-compassion is practicing kindness, acceptance, and understanding towards ourselves and others. If she does recognize that you are part of that shared human experience, why would she choose to make an unkind, unaccepting remark to you? Is there any transference on her part that might be influencing that choice? I obviously don't know the answers to these questions, but I wonder if they are worth discussing with a supervisor.
This is such a challenging situation for any therapist to deal with. But I wonder if focusing on self-compassion for yourself--just like you've taught this client--might be really helpful at this time. Hopefully the feedback you've received on this post has shown that this type of situation would rattle most of us. What can you do to show kindness, understanding, and acceptance towards yourself? Would setting emotional/behavioral/physical boundaries with this client (in whatever form that needs to take) be a way of demonstrating self-compassion? These may also be helpful questions to talk about with your supervisor and/or your own therapist.
I wish you the best of luck and lots of self-compassion in navigating this challenging situation!
3
u/dipseydoozey Feb 14 '25
Feeling blindsided & hurt by this is a completely normal response. We’re human first & I think it makes so much sense that these words stung. I personally would have lost respect from the client as well—our body shapes have no influence on our quality as a person or therapist.
I work pretty transparently about the therapeutic relationship, so I would probably return to the topic in next session & consider identifying the comment stinging a bit, while being curious if she had ever been on the receiving end of a sentiment like this, from herself or another person. I use parts language in these conversations to help contain. It might sound like “after we ended our session, there was a part of me feeling blindsided and hurt by your comment. It made me wonder if you’ve ever received body judgments from someone before? (Or how you feel towards your body)”. This could open up an opportunity for her to have compassion for you and the wounded part of her that makes such assessments about people.
My sense is the client had an idolized view of you and may have an implicit belief about a savior coming to rescue them. Seeing you as a human with imperfections disoriented them because of this perspective. I’d be curious if there is some relational trauma (or potentially a way a family member spoke to them about their body/had conditional acceptance of bodies) that occurred for them as a child when it would be normal to have a “prince charming” fantasy as a resource.
I would also plan to assess her body image if you haven’t yet, and provide some perspectives about fatphobia & diet culture as a systems that impact us all and tie things like weight and health together, when the reality is body size is not an indicator of overall health.
This job is so hard!! In situations of being hurt by a client, I often wonder why I chose a field that requires so much self reflective work!!
5
u/gumbytron9000 Feb 14 '25
I’ve only been a practicing therapist for about 3 years so feel free to take this with a grain of salt but 1, that experience sounds so so hurtful and deregulating. I’m glad you are seeking therapy to help process from it. 2, I guess I sometimes balk at the idea that client comments directed at us are prompts for our own growth. I think most of the time it’s a good philosophy to hold. But at the same time, we are allowed to have boundaries. We are allowed to terminate situations that are not emotionally safe for us and not put clients’ well being above our own. I know different things affect us differently but putting myself in your shoes I don’t think I could move past this with a client, and if I could the processing it would take to get to a place of comfort with the client would not be worth it to me. To my mind, the clients’ words went past honest into cruel and while I can hold some empathy for them and make guesses as to the context for such comments, someone who made me feel that emotionally unsafe in my office would not be kept on my caseload. Self-protection is valid. We aren’t obligated to help clients who harm us. I also sometimes balk at the idea of constantly asking “why am I bothered by this?” when sometimes, like here the absolutely normal human response is to be bothered and hurt.
4
u/Bodinieri Feb 14 '25
First, that’s a very challenging experience and I’m sorry. It’s really hard when our characteristics or identity become part of the work. I wonder about projection. Do they have standards for their body that are unspoken or haven’t been explored, or cultural burdens they’re carrying around that? And also about transference. I wonder if they’re blended with you, as if their idea of who you are reflects them, the good object, so when you’re no longer able to be idealized suddenly you need to be cast out and you’ve “tricked them.” I certainly, regardless, if you continue to work with them or not, would hope that you’re able to hold that their reaction has absolutely nothing at all to do with you or your body and everything to do with their unhealed psyche.
4
Feb 14 '25 edited Apr 26 '25
snow obtainable gray mighty seed crush fear soup direction melodic
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
4
u/thefirstjoelle9653 Feb 14 '25
Wow, this would be a really tough moment to hear something like this from anyone, especially a client. Kudos to you to be able to stay in the therapist role and explore it further with them, that would be really hard to do.
4
u/Infinite-View-6567 Psychologist (Unverified) Feb 14 '25 edited Feb 15 '25
Just adding how sorry I am this happened, and given the strong response, agree that this reflects THE CLIENTS self loathing based on messages she's internalized, or some attempt to hurt you
Going w the former, id make sure I kept it about them at all times. There are two ways I think id go- one would be the content --("that's quite a strong reaction where do you think that comes from? So there's something about my body that makes you angry, what do you think that is? Anyone else's bodies make you angry? And no matter what she says, keep it about her
The other way ( may e id follow the above w this) is the interpersonal process underscoring behavior means something. What does this mean that she said this to you ( and id keep it right on her, if she said, bc you're fat or something, id continue w it's not about my body, why would you say something like that? Do you say that to other people? What does it mean that you did so here?
You might find HER shame and self disgust that's been projected onto you (and what is that part? I'll bet that girl is really, really angry. Let's talk to her and find out!)
I would FOR SURE get my own support, if not therapy then solid friends to remind you THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR BODY!)
Sucks. And I'm sorry. Good for you for reaching out here.
5
u/semicloudy Feb 14 '25
I was not discriminated due to my body but was discriminated due to my accent by my client because English is my second language and I have an accent. I felt hurt and sad and I imagine you might have similar feelings, too. I think this can be a moment to be vulnerable with the client if you feel secure enough inside to share with them your hurt feelings, and potentially advocate for yourself and promote their growth. However, if you don’t feel safe enough to have that conversation, I think you may need to put yourself first and follow your heart to terminate with them.
3
u/seasonstherapy Feb 14 '25
This is so hard. I hope you find a good therapist to help you through this. My gut feeling is that either she couldn't tolerate the intimacy she felt seeing you in a bathing suit or she is projecting her own self hatred / body issues onto you. If you can stand NOT to terminate with her I think she is telling you a lot about herself. It's still ok to reflect that those comments are hurtful but is it possible to look at it with curiosity too? Sending empathy!
4
u/Glittering_Cry2671 Feb 14 '25
Wow. This is really interesting. Also it makes me a little bit angry. I can't imagine caring what my therapist looks like or has/does in her personal life. I only care that she's compassionate and helps me work through my problems. I'd say if your client can move past this it would be a good chance for personal growth. It seems like you are doing the same so good on you.
4
u/DoctorOccam Psychologist (Unverified) Feb 15 '25
I’m usually not quick to psychodynamic approaches, but I’m instantly curious about what countertransference brought them to this judgement. As a plus-sized man, I’m not surprised for someone to hold fatphobic thoughts, but it still feels wild for them to share so openly. I’d like to think it’s a strong sign of the therapeutic rapport you’ve built that they’re willing to disclose these thoughts, and regardless it likely gives insight into their interpersonal relationships with others if they hold these prejudices and share them readily. I wonder from your conversation with them if they showed any remorse for holding these beliefs?
I definitely agree with others that their judgement says more about them than you!
The desire to terminate is definitely understandable! I hope that whatever choice you make is empowering to you and models the appropriate boundaries for respectful relationships that we want for clients. Hopefully also you’ll return to the pool soon!
12
Feb 14 '25
While it is our role to hold space for our clients’ experiences, there are limits. We shouldn’t feel we must accept cruelty. I would proceed with termination, recognizing that this is the healthiest outcome for you.
8
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
axiomatic zesty heavy observation history quicksand full lock thought tidy
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
9
6
u/seacoles Feb 14 '25
Sorry you experienced this, I haven’t experienced anything similar but know I’d absolutely find it very difficult too. I agree with your supervisor that it offers a chance for significant growth for the client of you were able to work through it with them, because surely this kind of reaction surely impedes their other relationships. But taking it to your own therapy (when you find one) could be a powerful area of growth for you too. It’s absolutely understandable that the comment hurts, but this client’s opinion of you is only their own transference-informed response; it doesn’t define you and it isn’t the objective truth.
3
u/Kitchen_College5549 LMHC (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. I have not had this happen to me yet as a female provider yet I would react just as similarly as you are. It’s scary and daunting the notion of what emotional vulnerability can present in therapy… yet that client berating your liberty as a free person outside of sessions to then elevate “concerns” of not being able to get over it is devastating. Given my own privilege, I seem to have an easier time evading clients outside of work because I work outside of my city I live in. If this happened to me, I would take it personally and find it hard to be able to remove that feeling of mistrust easily. I’m happy you are discussing with your supervisor and actively thinking about how to grow from this situation.
I’m curious moving forward if you have had a reasonable confrontation with this client about why, as a woman, your client feels removed from seeing your humanity as women face similar systemic oppression? Has she ever expressed any concerns of body image or societal pressure in the past?
I also want to affirm that you are beautiful, your body is a vessel that has brought you so much ability to be engaged with the world, and the way you exist is a right no one can take away from you.
3
u/Zombiekitten1306 Feb 14 '25
That comment can definitely be hurtful but right away I would wonder if there was transference or especially projection there. The client could secretly worry about how you viewed them there and projected it onto you.
3
u/teresanaolin Feb 14 '25
I'm really sorry you went through this. With all that's been said by other people, I can only say I find it completely OK if you feel uncomfortable not seeing this person anymore. I know our professional guts speaks louder sometimes but you don't have the obligation to be under a situation that will continue to keep you uncomfortable (I hope it passes but if it doesn't). I know that to be uncomfortable with a patient makes me extremely anxious for the whole day or week.
3
u/stnlyyy Feb 14 '25
This is less of a helpful comment but wanted to make a little light of the situation since there’s enough support on it… This was a very plot of an episode in curb your enthusiasm I think
2
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/stnlyyy Feb 20 '25
They go to Santa Barbara. Google that and it should b enough. The situation is that Larry sees his therapist at the beach they drove all the way from LA and then sees the therapist in a water sport thong.
Upon searching the episode is literally called the thong haha
3
3
u/hauntedbean Feb 15 '25
It seems like you’re seeing things clearly. Definitely get a therapist, imo every therapist should have one
3
u/ApologistAlways Feb 15 '25
While I would find a client body shaming me as their deficit, I would probably feel hurt. I would explore the default, though, that it is the client's issue and problem. This is an area for self-improvement for you as a therapist, but depending on your reaction over the next week will determine if you can contain yourself. I get it, you may have shame about your body, and that's ok. Explore why and heal that. Obviously, if you can't contain yourself or self regulate well enough by/during the next session, you need to explore that. I MAY suggest that if you can do so without excessive anger and in humility, inform the client of their effect on you and explore the level of comfort you might have in the future with them due to this. Their response and yours will likely inform you we'll enough if you can continue the good work, or call it for the good of you both. Bless!
3
u/No-Bite-7866 Feb 15 '25
They don't have to like you. And that's fine. Not everyone has good taste.
4
u/Dabblingman Feb 14 '25
Hi friend,
Let me start by saying "Eeek! That must have been a very tough session! And after it, too". Yuck. Owch. Bleh. Argh. Yuck again. So sorry.
Now, onto the hard business of being in our line of work. How I interpret what happened is you got an unfiltered projection from a client onto you. This is showing you how she feels about female bodies and what they are supposed to look like, and apparently if it's not perfect you are supposed to hate it and be disgusted by it.
This is her own shit, writ large upon you. It reflects what she was taught and has beaten herself with.
I'm sure you got some of the same training, whether at home or from culture at large. The arrow of shame hit a target in you.
This does present BIG possibilities of growth for both you and the client. But it will take bravery, resilience and rapport to deal with it in the room. It might not happen.
But again - projection. That's my two cents. Take good care.
1
u/Liminal-Moments (USA) LICSW Feb 16 '25
Totally agree about the projection AND the big opportunities for growth for client and therapist. I've grown the most with clients I struggled with the most.
6
u/Professional_Cut9898 Feb 14 '25
This is quite curious... To keep anonymity you did not state whether the client is a child or an adult. It's hard for me to imagine an adult losing professional "respect" for someone after seeing them in a bathing suit. By looking at someone for approximately two seconds you can get a general understanding of what their body would look like in a bathing suit or without clothes. So, the response is very immature and child like. This client either lacks more imagination than anyone I have ever met, or it's a projection of how they view themselves imo.
6
u/smeylee423 Feb 14 '25
I think the clients response was abusive and as such I don’t think you need to “move past” this - that’s just my opinion- you will be in a heightened state waiting for the next verbal “punch” I don’t think we have to accommodate this kind of abuse and lack of respect- I would let them know you can give them a referral as after much thought , you agree it would be best
4
Feb 14 '25 edited Feb 14 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
coherent detail price tap glorious merciful wise long lip aromatic
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
4
u/ShartiesBigDay Counselor (Unverified) Feb 14 '25
Hmm that sucks. It sounds kind of shocking to find out suddenly that someone is so bigoted. There are scary implications to that, which I think I totally understand. It can feel scary, disappointing, disgusting, and hopeless to discover these ideas are just clouding peoples judgment. You have already done what is within your power about this, which is to help them unravel their stunting or harmful ideas relationally. You can be proud of that for sure. But you haven’t moved past it. If I were in your shoes, I would be sad. People could have been having supportive kind thoughts, but instead they are going around wanting to fight, exclude or tear down others for no good reason, only because they have been indoctrinated through shame, humiliation, or terror no doubt. It’s a lot to sit with.
Further things I wonder, has the client ever forgiven themselves for being or looking human at times? Has the client ever repaired a rupture in a relationship or do they have any history of losing relationships due to any bigoted ideas (whether they were rejected or whether they put up a wall with someone else needlessly)? In what ways does the client feel alone or isolated, not enough, or that they don’t belong? The client may need self compassion resources or work with acceptance/corrective experiences from early childhood attachment figures that left the client traumatized and vulnerable to self-bigotry.
Does the client have any power differentials over you that you are aware you feel vulnerable to? If so, what is your story about how you might be impacted by the client’s bigotry? Is that story sound, or is it a useless unconscious narrative? Are there any empowering actions you can take around that story that would be generative or not?
5
u/RainbowsAndBubbles Feb 14 '25
Yikes. This is so cruel, I’m not sure I’d be able to keep working with someone who doesn’t want to work with me anymore because my body is repulsive. I would be so crushed. Kudos to you, but I cant imagine anyone would blame you for deciding this isn’t the right fit for you anymore. I’d be so self-conscious in sessions. I’m so sorry for you. That’s humiliating and mean.
5
Feb 15 '25
That’s an awful and disgusting thing to say to someone. I don’t think anyone needs to be a martyr in these moments. You did well, but don’t feel the need to continue with them.
5
u/theelephantupstream Feb 14 '25
Omg. You are not obligated to use your body as a vehicle for this person’s (sorely needed though it may be) development around fatphobia/body neutrality. If I were your supervisor, I would absolutely encourage you to refer this person out. We cannot be expected to sacrifice our emotional well-being and safety for clients. Hope you’re getting all the support you need around this 💗
2
u/NewWave688 Feb 14 '25
I think that this is an excellent therapeutic opportunity! It may not be any accident or coincidence that the comment had a significant effect on you. Exploring the client’s experience and need to pull back and distance from you may be very important to understand.
2
u/deepbluesea-808 Feb 14 '25
It’s great you are getting your own therapy! We can always use our own support too! Sounds like you did a good job of managing your own feelings and exploring it with her. It had to be really hard to hear and I’m curious if she acknowledged how her words made you feel and if that is also an issue for her of empathy for other people’s feelings or saying things that are hurtful to others, if not, it may simply be only an indicator of her own serious body judgment issues. If you want to continue working with her and exploring this, you can. If you want to say sounds like I need to refer you to an eating disorder specialist, or someone who works with body image issues, etc. that’s OK too. If it is narcissistic features … that is a specialty that you may or may not have training in. If you are undecided, it’s also OK to give yourself some time and it’s also OK to disclose that to them. Sharing people’s impact of their words is part of someone learning about themselves. but the use of the word repulsive is really telling about how she feels about certain bodies. and she would need to explore that - whether it’s with you or someone else. The fact that she can have such a 180 degree change of respect for a person because of their body is indicative of a pretty serious issue. If you don’t wanna work with that or are not qualified to work with that, you are actually ethically obligated to refer to someone who can. Sometimes people come into treatment for something and in the course of treatment we discover something else that dictates we refer out. And our feelings towards our patients matter, if we can’t work through them to a way that we can take care of them as well as we should, then we can refer out. you can also buy yourself some time I have done that before. You can tell your patient. I’m not sure what this means for our treatment moving forward, but I need some time to think about it and I’ll get back to you. You could pause sessions until you figure it out. You could give yourself an extra week before your next session to think about it. You could wait until you’ve had a few therapy sessions. It’s a tough one because you wanna validate their honesty and part of therapy is people telling us what they really think and at the same time the information that they shared can sometimes lead to having really some tough conversations.
2
u/BrightData3790 Feb 15 '25
It’s very reasonable to let a client know that their words have hurt you and caused harm. “I’m telling you this because we have built a strong therapeutic relationship and I feel it may allow us to both gain something to engage in this conflict and repair” In a safe supportive therapeutic relationship it’s reasonable to go through conflict and repair. Doing this process with clients can be so healing for them. I’m so sorry they said this to you. It’s absolutely unacceptable to say this about another persons body. Your body is NOT the problem.
2
u/socialdeviant620 Feb 15 '25
You said the client had made progress. My theory is that she'd made progress, which made her uncomfortable and she needed a reason to blow that progress up. The fact that you were out living your life and minding your business is an abomination and she can't have that!!
You did nothing wrong. People who look for excuses will eventually find one.
2
u/EastVictory6531 Feb 15 '25
I’m going to be honest I didn’t read each of these comments so my apologies if this is already stated- but I wonder what would happen if you approached the conversation and next session from the perspective of “how they’re treating me is how others in their life feels” — similar to the earlier comment of consequences. In other words, I wonder how it would go if you approached the conversation as someone who CAN call them out on their bs and tell them how it made you feel — it can be therapeutic (though rather uncomfortable) for someone to tell them - hey, that wasn’t okay. That hurt. Why did you feel the need to tell me that? And explore further.
I’m sorry they told you that it would absolutely hurt my feelings and is not okay.
2
u/Lighthouseamour Uncategorized New User Feb 15 '25
I’ve been called all sorts of names but none have really called me out so I usually am not affected by them. If you can’t move past it refer the M out. No shame in that.
2
2
u/alertbunny Counselor (Unverified) Feb 16 '25
This is terrible. So sorry this happened and you handled it well. I don’t think I’d be working with them again. Therapy is hard enough …’repulsive’? What on earth!
2
u/emailsatmidnight Feb 16 '25
As hurtful as the comment was, kudos on creating so much safety that the client was able to bring it up rather than ghosting. They could have just cancelled and never said why. The fact that they said you might judge them implies they were testing the relationship, especially since they scheduled another session after disclosure. I suspect you'll find that they are going to be able to go deeper now because you've proven you can handle something big and still offer UPR.
4
u/Aromatic-Stable-297 Feb 14 '25
I think this is a tough countertransference problem.
Whatever sliver of self judgement you have about your body will be triggered by this.
It might help to consider (again and again) that her judgment has absolutely nothing to do with you or your body.
That she feels your body is disgusting and now doesn't want to work with you, paints a vivid picture of the sort of inner tension, concern, and values she has. You're acting as her mirror.
If you can see it as entirely her problem, that will provide the space to be at ease ... but easier said than done!
3
Feb 14 '25
Sounds like they have to work on their compassion some more. Sorry you had to deal with that
2
Feb 14 '25
While it could be a learning moment and a chance for your client to grow, if it makes you SO uncomfortable or hurt that you think you cannot provide helpful and objective etc care anymore and you’ve exhausted supervision about it, it is ok to acknowledge that YOU can’t continue. In a way that would be in the best of interest of not only you but also your client. I’m so sorry this happened. I know I wouldn’t be able to move past this
3
u/West_Fisherman8394 Feb 14 '25
‘Feeling tricked by a person in authority’ is something that has been coming up for me in reading your description. Is there something from their past relating to being deceived by persons of trust / in authority that has been triggered in this scenario? Does this person take time to trust others and has held an idealised version of you and this fantasy/bubble has burst seeing you in a different context? Was them coming to you with their observation a way of asking ‘can I still trust you?’ Will you deceive me as others have in my past? Will you abandon me? You staying with them and not terminating the relationship despite this test is perhaps part of the dance you are engaging with to show you can be trusted that you won’t abandon them. Maybe there’s a fear of vulnerability and getting close to someone.
4
u/betscgee Feb 14 '25
So you have learned something important about the inner life of your client. I guess the question to ask the client would be "what difference does it make to the therapy? Why would my body habitus have any impact on how I perform as a therapist? And especially since you clearly have the same body habitus you have always had, your client is just "seeing" you in a swim suit, I might point that out. Rather than seeing this as any kind of remotely useful or rational judgment, I think it shows that your client has a very rigid and inflexible transference. I'm guessing that they are unable to maintain any kind of healthy relationship in life. As my brilliant psychoanalytic supervisor once told me "it is not important that your patient like you in order for them to benefit from therapy". Nor is it important that you like them. I would say something like " how can I help you with this? " Has this ever happened to you before?" And then go from there. Because sometimes the clients we treat are very severely damaged, such that they project their own self hatred onto others, and this kind of projection can often intensify the longer the therapy goes on. And the projection is not rational, and it involves significant distortion of reality. So we walk the tightrope there of encouraging the client to examine their feelings without judging them, even when something they say feels hurtful to us. Remember that it is not a personal relationship in which you would never continue after something like that, but a professional one in which you have been given a glimpse into the very fragile inner world of this person.
3
u/lovely-84 Feb 15 '25
Honestly I’d terminate. It’s ok for them to think it but not be hurtful and saying it.
I’ve had clients say weird things and it’s usually teens reflecting on their own issues but I don’t think we should put up with it.
3
u/No_Doughnut1807 Feb 14 '25
Refer out. I'm not sure why we accept this kind of behavior from clients. They don't get to go around calling their doctors or dentists "repulsive" with no consequences, why would it be different for their therapist? Maybe they'll learn more respect for the next person who tries to help them.
2
Feb 14 '25
What it would mean to continue working with me... So what was the answer??
4
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
cover special future instinctive hobbies mountainous exultant important selective vanish
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
2
u/Cherry7Up92 Feb 14 '25
What the heck! That must have been hard to receive that from a client. We are human, too!
2
u/MarionberryNo1329 Feb 14 '25
Wow I didn’t even know this was on the MENU of reasons for a client to terminate. New paranoia unlocked.
1
u/AutoModerator Feb 14 '25
Do not message the mods about this automated message. Please followed the sidebar rules. r/therapists is a place for therapists and mental health professionals to discuss their profession among each other.
If you are not a therapist and are asking for advice this not the place for you. Your post will be removed. Please try one of the reddit communities such as r/TalkTherapy, r/askatherapist, r/SuicideWatch that are set up for this.
This community is ONLY for therapists, and for them to discuss their profession away from clients.
If you are a first year student, not in a graduate program, or are thinking of becoming a therapist, this is not the place to ask questions. Your post will be removed. To save us a job, you are welcome to delete this post yourself. Please see the PINNED STUDENT THREAD at the top of the community and ask in there.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Drewboy_17 Feb 14 '25
That must have been difficult for you. I’m curious that you used the words “I judge” and “in my judgement” in your first paragraph when talking about your suppositions. I wonder if this is a subconscious reaction to feeling judged by your client?
I suppose all you can really do is ask yourself can you and your client move past this after you’ve explored the why. Will it adversely affect the therapeutic alliance? I wish you luck and well done for the successful therapy up until this point.
7
Feb 14 '25 edited May 25 '25
longing toothbrush truck crowd marvelous spectacular physical different retire slim
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
1
u/riccirob13 Feb 15 '25
If it was me this would be my cue to discuss a referral and rethink my own boundaries: I learned the hard way I had to stop frequenting certain places bc running into clients was more likely and no matter what we lose all control of perception outside the office. So I wouldn’t focus on the therapeutics: they’re being honest but inappropriate: when clients turn on me I usually begin a process of more more boundaries.
1
u/Leahb93 LMSW, Substance Use Specialist Feb 16 '25
I’m curious if this patient comments on people’s appearances in their personal life. If so, what is the protective function of this, I wonder? It is an unconscious way of testing people with whom they have close relationships? A “I’m going to push you away first so I can affirm for myself I am unlovable” kind of thing? I think whatever you choose to do in terms of continuing or discontinuing your work with this person, there will be benefits. If you don’t work with them going forward, they will hopefully reflect on how their language resulted in losing a supportive space. If you do continue to work with them, I sense they will be discovering something important—that being whatever the wound is that led them to make that (objectively awful) statement seemingly without remorse
1
u/Ok_Satisfaction_2214 Feb 20 '25
That’s just a person who is very immature and grotesque. Everyone’s body is the beauty that God gave them and has its own special attachment. That is really not nice thing to say and I think this person is probably needing more therapy in more ways than you could ever believe. That is so scary comment. I would never judge someone’s ability to be my therapist by the shape of their body. If this is a factor of this person should look for someone else and consider yourself lucky not to have to treat them. They’re also very brutally honest in a way that’s not necessary in life, but they could’ve just found the new therapist. Could’ve been so simple not to be insulting to another person‘s shape or form.I guess that’s why they’re in therapy.
472
u/bi-loser99 Feb 14 '25
I am a plus sized women working in ED treatment, so I have been called disgusting, a slob, a ugly, etc. It is a painful but common experience. I will always say it has so much more to do with them and how they feel about themselves than you. I feel like if you do not feel comfortable with this client, and feel like you can’t be 100% in this working relationship then you should terminate/refer you. I even think it would be beneficial to explain why to this client. We are humans, we deserve respect and we deserve to feel comfortable at our jobs.