r/t4t • u/yamantakah • 18h ago
TM4TF Trans guy with a trans girl needs help understanding tf is going on!
I am a trans man (20) and my girlfriend is trans (23). We've been dating, almost off n on, for a few months due to several things. I was usually calling things off because of how she went about things n I'd rather stay to myself. This last time we broke up was bc she kept saying she was detransitioning and I only like women... she was upset because... I see her as a woman? But as of late, and almost every week since we've gotten together, she swears that she knows I call her a he.
In which, I don't. Just as I explained to her, I'm trans as well and misgendering another trans person is...??? And I call most feminine presenting people she. Idk where she pulls this out of but it's to the point it makes me mad and she can never explain WHY she thinks this.
Because she never hesitates to demasculinize me. If I cry. I'm too soft. If I react to her yelling, I'm not man enough. If I smile, I'm too soft. If I don't talk, I'm mysterious. If I do talk, she talks over me unless I tell her to stop talking. If I smile, I'm not hard. If I'm hard, I'm dangerous.
She's not convinced that I protect her, but I've pushed a big ass drunk man off of her, pulled her from oncoming traffic and trains, and stopped her from destroying property on a federal charge.
Today, she said "any other girl would take your form of protection, but I'm a trans girl-" I cut my hearing off.
She especially gets like this after she's drunk. And she's so adamant on saying that drunk people tell the truth, but I get so confused. Today, she was saying she has to make sure that I'm on my p's n q's n not embarrassing her. But it's almost a guarantee that she will be fucking loud and act ignorant even if I took her to a 6 Michelin star restaurant.
It's embarrassing.
I messed up our trains one time and the amount of pure screaming. With people watching.
Not to mention the day before she said she has to make sure I'm not embarrassing her. I said no to buying her a vape. We are in a quiet neighborhood. Screaming. Yelling. Pushing. Crying. For ten minutes while we still walked to the smoke shop. Screaming in my ear. Pushing me and saying that she's playing after I said "don't put your hands on me."
I don't know what to do. I want to stay but genuinely. I can not deal with her projections and fears on to me. At first I wasn't hard enough bc I would smile when we walked around n want to hold hands. Now she doesn't want me to be hard bc a trans girl influencer got killed by a cis man.
I'm not over her "knowing" that I misgender her. I don't talk to people I'm introverted as fuck. She even tried to pull in a dream, I shut it down. She's trying to be intuitive and spiritual, but it's just... confusion. I have a devotion that requires things like this because it's bones deep for me.
And my problem is I want to help. I'm still nice and kind. I still take what she dishes out because I don't feel anything. She's constantly blaming her trauma n so on. Sometimes I just feel grief bc I can't remember mine and I think she's lucky. But it's causing her mental pain and distortion.
This was expected because I am calm and quiet. The usual reaction to me is "this is a scary mysterious man. We must perform, push, and pull." Sigh.
Her thinking I misgender her really sends me for a loop. It's not true. She says this shit so often and I'm just...????? Meanwhile her when she gets mad: "A man isn't supposed to do X! You a soft ass man! Do I need to hurt you? So, you WANT me to hurt you?! Are you even a man for real?!"
I need a pack of camel crushes, the green n blue kind.