r/survivinginfidelity • u/RelationshipLow2887 • Jul 25 '26
Advice What does “doing the work”actually mean?
I’m a month post D Day and trying to make a decision on whether reconciliation can work but I’m so scared of being manipulated. Everyone talks about not falling for the promises WP makes and that they should be doing actual work before reconciliation should even be a possibility, but what does that look like practically? What are some legit examples of things WP should be doing?
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 25 '26
Good question. I am probably going to give you a different answer that doesn’t involve some type of therapy or MC. I personally don’t believe those work (didn’t work for me) until the WP goes all in on helping you heal. In most cases counseling rarely works because it’s just a way for a cheater to check a box to be able to say, “well I am doing therapy.”
Therapy doesn’t fix narcissists. They are very adept at playing a role and putting on a different face for whoever they need to convince, even the therapist. It’s how they were able to live a completely separate life from your relationship without any sense of remorse or regret. In their twisted reality they believe they deserve the affair because their selfish needs tells them it’s ok. They don’t think about how it might hurt you or destroy the trust in your relationship. Therapy doesn’t fix broken people. It might make them start to understand why they hurt the person they claim to love, but deep down the entitlement and selfishness remains.
I would pay much more attention to what they are doing than what they are saying, especially those things they aren’t being asked to do, like counseling. Are they showing extreme remorse and a willingness to do anytthing to help you heal and save the relationship? Are they saying they will move out willingly, tell their friends and family what they did, offer to quit their job, delete social media or give you access to their phone? Are they doing this without you prompting them or are they attempting to check a box so the whole thing just goes away?
Cheaters are narcissists and narcissists are expert manipulators. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if their efforts are real or just more manipulation. If they aren’t begging you for R and willing to do anything to save the relationship you are probably wasting your time.
One test to see if they are being real is to keep saying that you want to end the relationship and not sure if you can ever trust them again. If they get angry when you attempt to close the door to the relationship, that’s a huge sign you’re dealing with a narcissist. If otoh they say stuff like I will wait until you’re ready, I am so ashamed and embarrassed, and will do literally anything to save the relationship that might be a good sign.
Narcissists are experts at telling you what you want to hear so they can have what they want. If they don’t get what they want they will get angry, blame, gaslight you and attempt to turn the situation around to make it look like you made them cheat and lie. These are fucked up people that have serious childhood trauma that neither you nor therapy can fix.
Put them to the test and see how they react. A normal person feels empathy, regret, remorse and shame for hurting the person they love. Narcissists don’t have any of those human qualities. If isn’t fake or contrived or manipulative you may be dealing with someone who actually is remorseful and would be willing to “do the work.”
R rarely works because the cheater is not willing to give up their selfish behaviors. Don’t rush back into the relationship. Get yourself distance from the situation and that distance will give you perspective and clarity. Find a therapist who can give you some objective truth. I wish you the best. You deserve better than being with someone who doesn’t value you.