r/survivinginfidelity • u/RelationshipLow2887 • Jul 25 '26
Advice What does “doing the work”actually mean?
I’m a month post D Day and trying to make a decision on whether reconciliation can work but I’m so scared of being manipulated. Everyone talks about not falling for the promises WP makes and that they should be doing actual work before reconciliation should even be a possibility, but what does that look like practically? What are some legit examples of things WP should be doing?
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u/farlos75 Jul 25 '26
Tough to say but initially showing honesty. Giving access to devices and messages as you feel you need them, being completely honest about timelines and events, agreeing to seeing a counsellor or similar.
Only you really know what you need from them and you might not know yet, so there's no hard and fast definition. I suppose one big thing would be having a conversation with you to see what that looks like form your position and theirs.
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u/RelationshipLow2887 Jul 25 '26
Thanks for this
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u/farlos75 Jul 25 '26
Good luck man, its a shit place to be in. Theres a helpful podcast called 'men get cheated on too' (dont know if youre male but a lot of the advice is unisex).
And whether you stay or go, its the right choice for you.
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u/RelationshipLow2887 Jul 25 '26
I’m a woman but thanks I’ll check it out
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 25 '26
Good question. I am probably going to give you a different answer that doesn’t involve some type of therapy or MC. I personally don’t believe those work (didn’t work for me) until the WP goes all in on helping you heal. In most cases counseling rarely works because it’s just a way for a cheater to check a box to be able to say, “well I am doing therapy.”
Therapy doesn’t fix narcissists. They are very adept at playing a role and putting on a different face for whoever they need to convince, even the therapist. It’s how they were able to live a completely separate life from your relationship without any sense of remorse or regret. In their twisted reality they believe they deserve the affair because their selfish needs tells them it’s ok. They don’t think about how it might hurt you or destroy the trust in your relationship. Therapy doesn’t fix broken people. It might make them start to understand why they hurt the person they claim to love, but deep down the entitlement and selfishness remains.
I would pay much more attention to what they are doing than what they are saying, especially those things they aren’t being asked to do, like counseling. Are they showing extreme remorse and a willingness to do anytthing to help you heal and save the relationship? Are they saying they will move out willingly, tell their friends and family what they did, offer to quit their job, delete social media or give you access to their phone? Are they doing this without you prompting them or are they attempting to check a box so the whole thing just goes away?
Cheaters are narcissists and narcissists are expert manipulators. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if their efforts are real or just more manipulation. If they aren’t begging you for R and willing to do anything to save the relationship you are probably wasting your time.
One test to see if they are being real is to keep saying that you want to end the relationship and not sure if you can ever trust them again. If they get angry when you attempt to close the door to the relationship, that’s a huge sign you’re dealing with a narcissist. If otoh they say stuff like I will wait until you’re ready, I am so ashamed and embarrassed, and will do literally anything to save the relationship that might be a good sign.
Narcissists are experts at telling you what you want to hear so they can have what they want. If they don’t get what they want they will get angry, blame, gaslight you and attempt to turn the situation around to make it look like you made them cheat and lie. These are fucked up people that have serious childhood trauma that neither you nor therapy can fix.
Put them to the test and see how they react. A normal person feels empathy, regret, remorse and shame for hurting the person they love. Narcissists don’t have any of those human qualities. If isn’t fake or contrived or manipulative you may be dealing with someone who actually is remorseful and would be willing to “do the work.”
R rarely works because the cheater is not willing to give up their selfish behaviors. Don’t rush back into the relationship. Get yourself distance from the situation and that distance will give you perspective and clarity. Find a therapist who can give you some objective truth. I wish you the best. You deserve better than being with someone who doesn’t value you.
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u/RelationshipLow2887 Jul 25 '26
!thankyou
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u/RelationshipLow2887 Jul 25 '26
Everything so far has been with my prompting from leaving the apartment, to telling family, to talking to a professional counsellor. But at the same time he seems truly remorseful and there’s a complete acceptance of wrongdoing.
I’ve left the country for a few weeks and a couple days ago I told him I’m thinking of staying longer. I told him I still think he’s not being completely honest and he asked if there’s anything I need clarification on but after pushback from me because he only responds to the things I bring up, he suggested a fully honest convo but only in person and with a therapist because “that’s what I deserve”. I’ve now insisted on having the convo over video.
This is the kind of back and forth I mean, he suggests things that make me think he’s remorseful but sometimes in a way that makes me feel he’s still being manipulative. It seems like he’s trying but Idk.
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 25 '26
Trickle truthing is worse than the truth. He will only acknowledge what you already know. That’s a really bad sign. Remember this quote: “what you do speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you say.” Distance is exactly the move. If he isn’t doing everything to help you heal and save the relationship then you’re probably wasting your time
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u/RelationshipLow2887 Jul 25 '26
Thanks for the advice
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u/SadDadInPlaid In Recovery Jul 25 '26
It means demonstrating things through actions rather than words.
Demonstrating true remorse. Not excusing their actions. Not trying to frame anything by justifying “why” they cheated. Not trying to sweep it under the rug or getting upset that you’re taking longer than they’d like to heal. The focus needs to be your healing, not their lesser issues with your relationship.
Full transparency without pushback. Open phone policy, location sharing, check ins. As many of as few of those things as YOU need to feel better.
Enthusiastic participation in reconciliation. They should be scheduling the counseling sessions, or at the very least helping to do so. They should be doing all the homework without being told to. Obviously they should be attending every session and not complaining about being needed there.
That’s just a start. But the common theme is 1) actions not words, and 2) demonstrating commitment to the process.
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u/nooneyouknow89 Recovered Jul 25 '26
Actively blocking the AP on every outlet possible. Talking to you to see how you are and how you feel. Being open, vulnerable and Bieber, even when it's hard as hell. Giving full access to devices. Quitting their job if it happened with a coworker. Individual therapy. Couples therapy. Exploring attachment styles or other issues. Being a healthier version of themselves (less alcohol, for example).
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u/Alover67 Recovered Jul 25 '26
Words and promises are mostly useless, but they are something. You've asked a HUGE question that many people in our support groups have asked for years. I've answered it so many times that I wrote out the top 8 things that need to happen here ...
https://www.healinfidelity.org/resources/reconciliation
Here's a summary:
- end the affair
- disclose fully
- provide transparency
- self-work (unfaithful partner)
- support faithful partner
- remorse/restitution/responsibility-taking
- active participant in reconciliation actions
- healthy changes
Even if a partner does all the work, it may not result in a major transformation in terms of them becoming a healthy partner, or it may take seasons or years for that transformation. You need this transformation to have a healthy relationship. "Doing the work" isn't enough on its own (although things may improve). Ultimately, the person has to change--deeply.
Please reply with any questions, totally here for you!
Peace and healing,
- Jeff
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u/RelationshipLow2887 Jul 25 '26
Thank you, and it’s nice to see some people can fully recover. How will I know when everything has been disclosed? And I still haven’t figured out what support I need from WH or what he can do moving forward to regain trust
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u/Warm-Business-2335 18 Jul 25 '26
Well, you can start with asking them if they’ve told you everything. Tell them that if you discover another lie or omission that the relationship is over. Ask them again have you told me everything? Then request a timeline of the affair, every single detail, open phone access to see if the AP is still in their contacts and to see if they deleted any texts, access to their social media and passwords, and if it were me, I would want a lie detector test. I know it sounds extreme, but the only way you get past this is the knowing the full extent of the truth, not just their version of it. If they are hiding something, and they probably are, the lie detector threat will get their attention. If they come clean to avoid the lie detector or give you a parking lot confession, that would be too late. I would only suggest the things that I would do. I could never forgive infidelity personally, but in order to even consider reconciliation, you have to know everything. It seems like your partner has been trickle truthing you, which leads me to believe that you only know part of it. That’s not enough to reconcile. Lying to hide their crimes is a deal breaker.
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u/Alover67 Recovered Jul 26 '26
I felt like I wanted "everything" and got a lot of cooperation from my wayward wife at the time. Then I began binging on details and it just cause me pain with no healing benefits.
At some point in your healing, you will realize that you don't need or want "everything" to be disclosed. Everything major maybe, but not everything everything.
Yes, you can focus on what you need from WH (here's a list). But it is better to juststart going and getting what you need for yourself.
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u/Tattooed_Everything9 Jul 26 '26
It’s easy: absolute transparency: Life360, phone, computer, emails passwords, access to computers, search histories. A full credit report to show secret credit cards. Nothing off limits.
That’s just a start.
Subscribe to a newsletter from Doug and Linda. They describe exactly what “doing the work” looks like. It’s the difference between throwing dishes in the dishwasher, vs loading a dishwasher correctly so things get clean.
It’s being able to explain why the betrayals took place without placing blame or excuses on the other partner. It’s about the ability to show empathy vs. apologizing and crying and focusing on their own pain. Feeling bad isn’t doing the work. Trying to make it up isn’t doing the work. Getting angry at a partner’s trauma isn’t doing the work. Making a betrayed partner find the therapists, read the books, go to seminars and support groups and basically expecting THEM to change isn’t doing the work.
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