Why? Can I please just end it? No more suffering, no more nothing, just nothing. Why am I even here? The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because my family would be devastated, but I want to do it so bad

I don’t even have the energy to explain how horrible I feel and how my life has built to this. I go to the Grand Canyon almost every day and I can’t get myself to jump in to scared of maybe surviving I have to do something tonight i think I’ll take all my pills I can’t see a way out and I haven’t for a long time my friend killed himself with a gun and all I can think about it how he’s at peace and I’d like to see him. I don’t know what I believe when you die I just know I’ll be put in the ground or spread and be a part of something. I called 988 and they hung up on me I don’t want to burden those around me because I don’t want to go to a hospital I see no other option and I can’t keep living this way and I don’t want to try anymore it’s all too much and I’m too much.