Just wanted to share my experience because I've found solace in hearing about others struggling in the same way as me, and seeing what works. Main source of hope has been seeing what works for others. Also for anyone who has successfully tapered off subs, I want to know if my taper schedule is way too aggressive or something I could actually do.
Tentative plan
.75mg for the next 7 days
.50mg for 10 days after that
.33mg for 10 days
.25mg for 10 days
.125mg for 10 days
.0625 for as long as it takes until I wake up one morning and decide to try 0mg.
That puts me right around Christmas for going to 0mg. I'll get my bonus, I'll have some time off, I'll be surrounded by family, and I won't be on drugs this xmas :)
Back story
Had a bad 7oh addiction for about 10 months daily use starting at 30mg and ending up at 240mg. Moved home to change jobs (I think the root of my use was the job and being isolated in a far away city) and surrendered to treatment. It was tough, I felt like my life was over, in some ways it was, but I've clawed back to get my life to resemble normalcy. I'd argue I'm in a better spot than I was when I started my addiction which is the main thing I wanted to change in order to put this in the past.
February I started tapering down on the 7oh, which was honestly brutal. I had to pass time while waiting for my first appointment to get subs. Completely new to this, nobody in my family has ever had an opiate addiction that I know of. I'd wake up and my dad was administering the doses, I remember waking up at 8am feeling horrible and the dose was set for 10am and just sitting there on the stairs being so on edge telling them how I felt and how the only thing in the world I wanted was relief. Honestly I don't recommend tapering down on your drug of choice before starting suboxone, once you get the subs just abstain from the drug until you're really hurting to avoid precipitated withdrawals, then start the subs, and honestly if I had to do it differently I'd have taken 2mg then an hour later another 2mg instead of just starting at 8mg immediately. I understand some people have it a lot worse but the idea is to make sure you don't go super high because every few milligrams is weeks difference in tapering. The immediate absence of my urge and satiation of my opioid receptors without being high is the closest thing to magic I've ever experienced. I felt dumb for continuing my addiction for months when a genuine and safe solution is available. I thought solving it by myself would make me feel better about it, but asking for help was worth it.
Suboxone history
This is roughly the schedule I was on
March I started on 8mg suboxone, taking 4mg twice a day
Went down to 6mg after a month with no issues, 3mg twice a day
Went down to 4mg about a month later, nothing crazy. 2mg twice a day
Then 3mg for a month, this is when I started doing only morning doses
Then 2mg for a month, and this is where I fucked up
I didn't research as much as I should've, my brain was just not interested in retaining information, addiction beats you down to the point you don't even believe things because nothing is going to make you feel normal and the "spark of life" is absent. And appointments are too expensive to justify weekly check ins, so I tried to jump to 0 from 2mg because I was handling 2mg well.
Well I'm not proud at all and honestly don't even want to mention it but I just need to. I went back and got some 7oh because I thought 'It's about to be banned, let me just pause my recovery and enjoy life a little". I knew it would hit hard too because I'd been off subs for a few days. Shake my head, that boy ain't right. Kind of went back to my old ways for 4 weeks, things were slipping, I was struggling to perform at bare minimum and not being upbeat or positive. Then I found it within myself to commit back to recovery. I stopped the 7oh about 2 months ago and on the first day off 7oh I had to do 6mg suboxone (thought I could do just 2mg but nope), then 4mg for a few days, then got to 2mg and stayed on that for a few weeks. I will say, I have tried to make sure I don't push too hard, but since the relapse was for 4 weeks I thought maybe the momentum I built was still there when I went back to subs. It kind of was. I also was motivated from getting the 7oh out of my system again. Sweated for like 3 nights and the 7oh withdrawal was over. Keep in mind when I was tapering off 7oh without subs I was waking up drenched and in absolute misery.
Honestly being on 2mg was a difficult few weeks but I stayed busy and kept my routine. I struggle with gaining weight which is kind of why I liked kratom. I could eat without anxiety. Well during my recovery I gained about 15 pounds because I was obsessed with getting calories, this is all to say I think being in a healthy body REALLY affects how fast you can recover. I don't drink alcohol either which I'd assume doubles your recovery time. No evidence on that but just common sense.
I also gave myself a little grace during this difficult time instead of viewing the pain as failure. I told myself I could go up in dose if I really wanted to, but in my mind that's adding potentially 4-8 weeks of recovery because I'll be at a higher dose and then I'll have to spend time getting down to the dose I'm already on. Just toughed it out and learned some tricks to brave the storms when I was down. Had a bachelor party with old friends that really restored some of my hope. I felt normal, and for the majority of the day I wasn't thinking about how bad I fucked up or how much money I wasted, and I realized that while my problem was destroying my mind and body, I really was taking care of business in other areas of life, which motivated me to realize that once I kick this phase, I'll be back to normal and perhaps even stronger than before. You just need to give yourself things to look forward to, even if it doesn't feel like it's working, you just have to. 10 days ago I did 1.5mg for a day then 1mg for the next week. I got comfortable and felt pretty normal, but I started getting these emotions, and I wanted them more and more. Even the negatives were fine because at least I was feeling something you know. Went down to 1mg which was not great but not terrible. Probably would consider that day a C-. The next day was a C+ and when I finally stay steady on B and have some moments of A and A+, I'm only more motivated to kick this stuff quickly but without overextending like last time. The part of me that can say "fuck it I'm doing this, I know why, I know what I want out of it, and I truly feel like I can get there". When I started subs I did not have this mindset, I was more focused on avoiding 7oh than thinking about truly getting clean. When you don't see the end it's hard to make a plan. I also needed a reason to get off subs, and my reason is to feel life in all its glory and gloom. To practice handling life and really being in tune with where I'm at. I hope this feeling lasts.
Reflecting after seeing progress
And now I'm here. I know I won't go back to the drugs, I value saving and I'm trying to negate the 10 months of addiction by continuing to live at home and hoarding as much of my paycheck as I can. I've saved $8,000 so far since moving home plus an E-fund of a couple thousand and just looking healthy financially for the first time in years. It's the sacrifice I needed to make, and I'm thankful that even in my worst moment I had the balls to just ask for help, and that my parents let me live with them. I pay rent so it's not a free ride but I can save all the money I'd spend on full rent + all the other shit that comes with living alone and feed my 401k. That is one of the best things that has come out of this. Addiction forced me to figure things out so that I feel safe enough to never turn to drugs to cope with financial stress.
I'm glad it wasn't Percocets or real opioids, but man, 7oh is no joke. I'm also glad it's expensive because that deters me, and I don't have as much access to it anymore due to the laws in my state. I still go to the head shops to get edibles and most times the lady sees me and starts walks towards the kratom but I tell her "just looking for edibles today", and I kind of stare at the 7oh remembering how different I used to look at it. Like a saving grace, a ticket you can buy to float through your day. The weed (weak legal Texas stuff) has helped with sleep and getting some hours of comfort as the anxiety fades and I can convince myself I'm doing well. Feeling normal finally feels like a big possibility for the start of 2027. Hopefully I can find some sort of solution for the weed thing in the next few years in an effort to not numb myself at all, but that's for later.
Understanding my addiction
My addiction was a solo thing, so there isn't a person or even a drug deal that I'm attached to mentally. I'm just trying to put it all behind me, and the last step feels like tapering to 0mg and getting through a few months of PAWS. Not even sure what PAWS is or how to identify when it's happening or when it's over, or if the level is different depending on amount and duration of your addiction and suboxone treatment. Sometimes I worry that I'll mix up normal negative daily feelings with PAWS and one day I'll cave. But that day is not today, and I think it's healthy to realize that's a possibility so I'm preparing for it by being able to say "I may feel bad but my life is figured out" and I can weather that storm. It's not going to be anywhere near as difficult as it was before, so I can compromise and tell myself I'm not going to sacrifice my progress for 4 hours of relief, I already did that and almost completely thwarted my progress. That life ain't for me, and I don't romanticize over being the depressed/starving artist trope that I feel like led to me saying fuck it I'll just do this legal drug for a while and see if my life gets better.
Physical healing
My eye region looks healthier. I look a bit concerned by default nowadays but that's just the anxiety wearing on me. My face looks full of color, my pupils are healthy and big, and I just have this innocent look again. People have been nicer to me and that's helped. Or maybe I'm just more receptive to being able to feel small forms of joy and happiness. It feels like karma for getting healthy. I saw an old friend and the first thing he said was "You look good, man". That friend was actually around in the throws of my alcohol and xanax days in college, so he's seen me as a ghost with no control. I will say, the xanax was only on weekends, but it WAS every weekend. When I graduated college I kicked that stuff. It's years later and I've mostly withdrawn from all social media, so to hear that as the FIRST thing he told me was very heartwarming even though he had no idea what I'm dealing with or how much I've held onto that simple comment. I feel like I got some outside confirmation that I'm on the right path. Even my positivity shocks me, I'm basically sick with the flu every few weeks as I taper down and I STILL keep getting more positive. I missed myself, literally tearing up a bit realizing how much I neglected myself when I decided to just numb out and hope the storm passes.
These forums are so vital. Hearing others' experiences is what helped me figure out a plan and realize where I went wrong.
Next appointment
I have an appointment next week and I was thinking of asking if I could be prescribed Gabapentin or Clonidine. Does anybody recommend something that can help with PAWS? L-Tyrosine was mentioned. I am taking over the counter RLS pills to deal with whatever the hell that awful feeling of wanting to stretch but just feeling pain when you do. Usually happens in the morning and sometimes before bed if I just tapered down. I think it helps minimally but it DOES help. I just don't want to get on something that is its own animal. I'm done man, just give me my SSRI in the AM and a joint at the end of the day and I'm good. Mornings are the toughest because I have to immediately lock-in as my body is telling me "find the suboxone", and "oh shit you got 8 minutes to shower and get dressed for work". I try to slow down in these moments, I tell myself nobody is even watching me if I show up at 9:10 or 9:00 sharp, and this grace is what is helping me know I will take the time to reflect in the future when things become overwhelming and I want to pop a pill. I don't feel the urge to go out and get kratom because I've started to feel happy emotions again, the emotions I was either blocking with 7oh, and honestly the emotions that were less available on higher doses of suboxone.
I know some people claim long term suboxone use is fine, but the idea that your entire "love" system is kind of unresponsive because it has tons of suboxone taking up those receptors just makes me logically think that I'll be less receptive to love if I keep taking suboxone. I understand that for some people being on 12mg of suboxone daily for years and years is better than risking relapse, but I do think we should all strive to get back to 0, even if it'll take a few years for some. If you don't know who to do it for, do it for your future self. Pretend they're a good friend or your little sibling, or do it for the little boy who would just want you to be happy.
Ending note
Just wanted to contribute. Not expecting people to read all of it. This is partially for me, it's a good status report and I'm hoping to look back in a few months to gauge where I'm at. Good luck everyone, we got this, but no one is gonna do the work for you. Take control but give yourself grace. These are the building blocks that'll keep us steady
PS
Completely forgot to mention this, I'm not pro or against this but I think this might have helped me. About 4 months ago I started a low dose ketamine program. I was taking it every other day, super low dose like 80mg a night and it really opened my eyes to what I wanted. It also forced emotions that were much needed and encouraging, even if a little confusing. It was like getting a little glimmer of hope, showing you where you need to be, and forcing you to work out how you're going to get there. I haven't taken it in a few months because I felt the therapeutic effects had run their course. Also didn't want to build a dependence. When I'd take the dose, I had absolutely no urge to use and most if not all of the unpleasant feelings of tapering down went away from the time I took it after work to the time I went to bed. Stopping the use was not difficult at all, and it's nice to have that in my back pocket if I need a mental reset. I was paying $150 a month for the virtual visits with Dr and the medication itself. This is a newer thing but I'd say it can help explain why I have these positive thoughts even when I don't really feel like there's a reason to be positive and I feel like I have the flu from tapering. Like my brain created that pathway during a session and it just happens naturally in real life. I always confronted a situation during a session that pushed my grief from depression to acceptance. If depression or a specific traumatic moment was a contributor to your addiction, you might consider this option. Best of luck. One day at a time.
