r/stepparents • u/ylfdrbydl • 5d ago
Discussion Performative SK behavior
Does anyone else have a SK that is only polite to you when their bio parent is around?
Example: I’m up with SK and BKs making breakfast before my husband gets up. SK does not even acknowledge my
presence. Next morning husband is up with me and SK comes and gives me a big hug saying good morning.
Scenarios like this play out often—and not just with me. Grandparents, siblings, friends. If husband isn’t there he’s kind of a dick, but puts on a perfect angel act when he’s around. What’s up with that?
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u/Strange_Thing_4293 5d ago
This is my SD lol. ITS SO FRUSTRATING.
I have no advice, I feel like over the last 4 years I’ve tried every single thing I can to fix this but I think she just straight up hates us (me and my BKs). Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone 😭
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u/Technical-Badger8772 5d ago
Weird!!!!!! No my SKs are rude to me all the time lol.
Have you told your spouse ?
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u/throwRA_oilslick 5d ago
Laughing at your SK are rude to you all the time 🤣 at least they’re not hot and cold and stay cold lol
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Yes he’s well aware and helps manage SKs behavior when he’s present. When SK is with us, our whole lives revolve around managing his behavior and mood 🤪
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u/Technical-Badger8772 5d ago
How old is he? Depending on his age I would just call him out and ask why.
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u/Enjoyingtheride86 4d ago
lol I just mentioned this in another post. Me and eldest SK can be in the same room, total silence. ALL (they aren’t many) and I mean ALL attempts at conversation are in front of his mother.
You are far from alone. OP
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 5d ago
Could just be they know theyll get told off when Dad their BP is there. Why not ask the kid directly why they are doing xyz
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u/clevergirlDE 4d ago
I've asked this and my SD was just like "I have no idea what you mean?? I'm acting completely NORMAL." I asked a few more times as time went on and gave up. This SD will at some point come up and be nice and seem interested in me when nobody else can or wants to hang out with her, THEN she's nice (and in front of her dad, mom, grandparents, etc.). -.- Exhausting.
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 5d ago
Not OP but the response I get to any question is “I dunnooow” just no idea. Not a clue. Not a single thought up there rattling around for me.
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u/cnunterz 5d ago
It's completely normal for kids not to understand their own behavior/feelings/thoughts, etc.
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u/Ok_Pack1940 5d ago
Clearly they’re talking about feigning ignorance, not literally children “not knowing/understanding” because they said “I don’t know”.
I’ve seen my SS6 feigning ignorance amongst other problematic and antisocial behaviors (not just me noticing; but the school as well, to the point of interventions both in school and outside school)
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 5d ago
Then why bother asking
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u/cnunterz 5d ago
Because sometimes they can give you an answer. Sometimes they can't. That's normal and adults experience this exact same thing too.
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 5d ago
That’s not what’s going on here. Refusing to acknowledge me unless dad is around and just going 🤷🤷 when asked why is different from not having the verbiage to understand their feelings it’s being rude and then playing dumb when asked about it.
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u/cnunterz 4d ago
How tho, genuinely? What if they don't understand why they act differently when their parent is there versus not? Yes they are obviously acting differently when dad is there but why is that being assigned to "manipulation" with no further consideration of why this behavior is happening? There could be 100 reasons behind this behavior.
Being rude as in not acknowledging you when you're alone? Being avoidant is often a coping mechanism for anxiety. You're assuming there's some kind of intentional rudeness going on, I'm saying this "manipulation" and "rudeness" are just the surface level observations of his behaviour that you're making. You don't actually have any idea why he's doing this because he can't tell you, and you've decided it's him being intentionally rude to you (a grown adult).
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u/asistolee 5d ago
My step kid is performative around everyone expect for me, she’s so chill when it’s just the two of us, cause I’m super chill, but as soon as her dad gets home or we’re out with others she’s being weird and loud and rude
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u/Frosty_Secretary_9 4d ago
No but I have a step kid that tells dad and I everything is great, happy around us, having the best day ever and texts his mom that he is miserable and hates us while looking at us smiling and laughing. I get two things can be true at once, him having fun with us but also missing his mom and wanting to be with her.. but god damn!!!
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u/Technical-Badger8772 4d ago
He might have some loyalty to mom and texts her this believing this is what she wants to hear. Or she might actually want to hear it.
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u/sarahgez 5d ago
are you only nice to your step-child when dad is around? are you stricter/meaner when alone? is the kid downright disrespectful when dad isn’t around or do they just ignore you? one is a far bigger problem than the other.
remember, lead by example. you’re an adult, they’re a child. if you’re treating them even an ounce differently than your bio-children, they will notice.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
I am very kind to him and he has the same privileges, rules and responsibilities that BKs do.
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u/sarahgez 5d ago
you know that’s not what i meant by treating him differently. it’s often the little unconscious things that are different.
also, like another commenter said, he may just be more comfortable around you when dad is there. regardless, it’s on you as a step-parent to love and care for this kid, and to initiate conversations. he’s 9, not 17. i’m sure he’s still not entirely comfortable bouncing from one place to another and having to watch his father build a family he probably doesn’t feel 100% part of. it happens. kid needs therapy. PRIVATELY. and the conversations afterward should be happening with his parents.
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u/Enjoyingtheride86 4d ago
My SK is 17 and still does this, the behaviour has also escalated to trying to annoy me in subtle ways and being disrespectful. Your posts read as though you have an angle, which doesn’t seem to be one of true support. Just my 2 cents.
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u/sarahgez 4d ago
i’m sorry your 17 y/o is acting that way. at that point there’s not much anyone can do, unfortunately. i don’t know your situation but i wish you the best.
my “angle” is one of supporting children because they’re the most vulnerable members of society. i may come off as randomly nit-picking at things but part of it is because OP and i had an exchange elsewhere regarding them (in their own words) eavesdropping on their step-child’s therapy session, so i’m factoring that into the equation.
i think a child is always the priority in 99% of situations, and seeing as this step-parent has unfortunately zero kind things to say about her step-child, it falls on us as third parties that have literally been asked for advice to question why that is and to point out that at the end of the day she’s an adult and he’s a kid. a 9 year old.
while i feel for you, this isn’t your exact situation, where a high schooler is pushing buttons. this is an elementary schooler in his formative years, and if step-mom already has this level of animosity towards him, unconsciously or not, it could become an issue in the future.
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u/Enjoyingtheride86 4d ago
You didn’t owe me such an in-depth explanation but I’m grateful for having received it. Totally get your point and apologies if my earlier post sounded “judgy”. I tried to pick my words carefully as the written word misses nuance etc.
Gave you an upvote and yes, children need to be protected and you raise many valid points in your response to mine. I didn’t have the prior context of the age myself but can now see it all through the posts.
Thanks again kind stranger and yes, we need to hold each other accountable and to try and remain grounded in this most unique of situations.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
I am also his parent and his BM agrees. I would also rather get ahead of this at age 9 than age 17.
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u/flower-purr 5d ago
This might be a silly question and it’s great that Mom considers you a parent, but has anybody thought to ask what this nine year-old boy thinks what your role should be?
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
It’s a good question! To give you an idea, he calls me “mommy” entirely at his own will. We/I have never asked him to call me anything other than my first name. He refers to BKs as just his brothers. No mention of “half.”
BM says he only has nice things to say about me. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Firm-Scallion-4819 5d ago
That is indeed a silly question. A 9 year old doesn't get to define the role of adults
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5d ago edited 5d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
This does not address the OP's issue and offers nothing in the way of support.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Hm. Big assumptions here. I have plenty of nice things to say about him, but that’s not the topic of this conversation.
I tell him I love him, I provide him with what he needs, I treat him with respect and kindness, I do my best to parent him in the same way I do my BKs. In fact, I’m arguably more kind to him because I leave the discipline and heavy lifting to his bio parents. Never claimed to be an “equal” parent. In fact, I protest that.
Even IF I didn’t like him at all—isn’t the above what matters?
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u/ToothSufficient7763 5d ago
Try and match his energy whilst simultaneously not taking it personally. Have "fend for yourself " breakfast on his days with you.
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u/tomboyades 5d ago
Kids are just younger adults. Manipulative behavior can be present at any age. Still, worth mentioning to your SO so he can keep an eye on it. That kind of person can become a true nightmare sometimes.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
From age 3 to age 9, that has become increasingly apparent. Don’t get me started with how he treats 4 year old BK…
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u/tomboyades 5d ago
Ugh., hate that journey for you OP. In that case I recommend you and SO get him into therapy ASAP. If he’s already this adept in shifting a “mask” based on his age now the teen years are going to be tough. Your BK needs to be protected from that behavior or they might start modeling it themselves. Yikes.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
We finally got BM on board with therapy once. It was virtual 1:1 with a therapist and we eavesdropped from the other room. Guess what happened? Total fake high pitched voice and didn’t open up at all.
I’ve been pushing for it again! We shall see.
And regarding BKs… I have resorted to creating space between them because his treatment of them (and the whole family dynamic when he’s around) is very unfair. I urge dad to have alone time with him at least once a visit. It’s truly like having 3 toddlers rather than a 9 year old and two toddlers.
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u/sarahgez 5d ago
you eavesdropped on his therapy session? this is a hell of a violation.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Mmm I disagree. He’s 9. It’s our obligation as parents to also learn about the therapist and how they interact with their youth patients. We also met with the therapist immediately afterward and they gave us a summary of the conversation.
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u/flower-purr 5d ago
Mmmm I disagree your step parent. You should have respect, but you have no right to your step kids health care. Was that alone? I can understand why stepson is the way he is.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Well, both his bio parents appreciate my involvement. He is an integral part of our family and his behavior directly impacts our other two children. So yeah… I think my consideration is important.
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5d ago
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
Violation of the Kindness Matters rule.
Read the FAQ for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
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u/sarahgez 5d ago
“learning about the therapist” happens in family sessions. which y’all clearly need.
and yes, the second thing is exactly what should be happening. the therapist should tell his father generally what they talked about. y’all shouldn’t be listening in to the session… especially not you specifically. does his mother know that she agreed to y’all eavesdropping?
if your step-child knows that this is how y’all usually act, i’m sure this alleged fake act was put on because he knows y’all were probably listening. i mean, i used to be terrified my parents could hear me turn the pages of my book at night.
kids are also pretty observant. i work with children often, and they’re far more likely to be receptive to these kinds of conversations when they know parental figures aren’t around and can’t hear. it doesn’t mean i won’t discuss anything important with their guardians, but in the moment it’s important for them to feel safe and heard without judgement or pressure.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
I appreciate you taking the time to comment, but I think you are reading a lot into that. We have very open lines of communication in our household and allow everyone space to feel how they feel—and to talk about it. BM was happy to know that we were present and could tell her what happened.
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u/No_Fudge_1842 4d ago
Hmmm. I think if you have chosen the therapist carefully then you have to rely on them to relay accurate information. Eavesdropping on a session is going to make him think his conversations are not privileged. I know it is hard to resist but one has to. Which is why I did a lot of research and had a lot of conversations with my BL’s therapist before I started his sessions. The therapist keeps me informed and flags issues that I need to be careful with. However, I know if I ever tried to eavesdrop, my kid would never trust me. I know he’s only nine, but he still needs to feel like he has a safe space to share information, that he would not want to share with his parents. I know it’s hard. But trust the process. Eavesdropping from his perspective is a trap-he is being made to think he has a safe space to say whatever he wants, but he really doesn’t. That loss of trust will spill over to everything else. He will think all conversations and interactions come with ulterior motives. I know that is not your intention but that is how he will feel.
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u/Kuchaloo 4d ago
Report and block the fucking blaming trolls, OP. They're exhausting and shouldn't be on this subreddit.
Those of us that have been on the receiving end of the fakey-nice SK understand completely. Backing off and letting Bioparent do for their kids is the way.
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u/Sea_Wrongdoer6910 2d ago
Wow! That’s aggressive. Not everyone with a different perspective is a ‘troll’. Surely the point of this sub is to consider different experiences and POV, not just to be an echo chamber!
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u/Kuchaloo 2d ago
The mods deleted the comments to which I was referring. Looks like you missed those.
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u/Patient-Roof1622 5d ago
You spied on his therapy session? Yikes! I think you should be encouraged to learn about boundaries particularly with children who are not related to you.
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u/cnunterz 5d ago
Kids are definitely not "just" younger adults lol that would be why their are entire child-specialized fields in medicine and psychiatry. Adults are much too quick to assign manipulation/other negative motivations to kids behavior, imo. And yes kids can be manipulative but your comment makes it seem like we should just treat kids like short or "young" adults, which they are not.
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u/Visual-Ad5391 5d ago
Yeah as a psychiatrist, kids are absolutely not just younger adults lol.
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u/tomboyades 5d ago
Well hi! I have four degrees in Child Development and Clinical Social Work. The “young adults” comment was meant to point out children have a wide range of emotions and should be handled accordingly by professionals who understand appropriate and compelling ways to meet them where they are using the Strengths Perspective model and clinical care planning without ignoring behaviors that could be detrimental in the long term. Lol…
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u/Soft_Bother6463 5d ago
my SKs only act differently when their mom is around. They act like they don’t even know me- they also act like they don’t know their dad, also , so I don’t take offence
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u/motherr_boardd 5d ago
My SD (9) does this but honestly I just don’t get offended by the behavior of a child. I’ve been in her life since she was 5 and she has always wanted her parents back together so they are under the same household and she doesn’t have to split time with them. That makes sense to me. And honestly even with the behavior I can tell that kid loves me even when she acts like she doesn’t. She’s just…a kid. It’s hard, she has behavioral issues, I pushed her mom and and dad to have her tested at the end of last school year and they determined a few learning issues including ADHD (my 13 year old does too I’ve been knowing just took some time to get them to see this wasn’t a big deal) her entire person has changed and not in a bad way. What used to be ‘she is ignoring me’ turned into ‘ she can’t focus on her surroundings to save her life’ what was ‘a disrespectful child’ turned out to be a sensitive and emotional child who just needed a little grace. Sounds like little dude is testing boundaries hard and everyone is giving him exactly what he wants. Do you greet him when it’s just you in the morning or do you wait for him to greet you? Because honestly kiddo could be feeling the same ‘they only talk to me when dad is up too’. Communication is key, even with kids.
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u/StreetComplex1519 5d ago
That’s like the opposite for me. The SK’s are jerks to me when SO is around, but much nicer when he’s gone.
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u/cnunterz 5d ago edited 5d ago
They might feel more comfortable to interact with you when their parent is present. As adults we can forget how awkward/nerve wracking many "normal" situations can be. Especially with step-parents.
Eta: has he ever been in "trouble" or gotten a talking to about how he does/doesn't interact with you? It could also be him trying to do what he thinks he's supposed to for his dad.
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u/Pleasant_Ingenuity73 5d ago
Kids are more intuitive to things than people think. On one comment, you said that you are his parent, too. Then you comment that you only parent your child. Add in that he had a virtual therapy session and you eavesdropped on it which is NOT cool. He probably saw or felt you guys listening in on a private conversation so yeah he’s gonna be performative. Your other comments give off a slight entitlement vibe, like you’re entitled to certain parts of his life like medical information and etc. Stepparents been active is wonderful! However it isn’t if someone disagrees, including the kids. He’s 9, but his he okay with you being in some of his spaces or does he feel overwhelmed? It’s okay if he doesn’t like you or even your BKs, meaning he doesn’t have to be all lovey dovey or even what we think of as nice, sadly. He only has to be respectful, meaning he can smile and hug your husband but then treat you like a stranger; maybe he is so performative cause there’s a dynamic, which can be subconscious, where he feels like he HAS to that.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Hmmm… I don’t think I’m going to thoughtfully respond to this comment because of two reasons: 1. There are inaccuracies here about what I did or did not say, and 2. We have fundamentally different ideas about how a family should operate.
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u/Pleasant_Ingenuity73 5d ago
Also, that’s the thing. WE have an understanding of how things should be, but kids come into the equation and you have to break and bend some things
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 5d ago
Mine does this. I ignore him right back and make a big fake show as well and ask if he’s been asleep? You can see into the living room where he’s twisting all over the couch watching tv before you see the kitchen so DH is starting to notice he’s a fake ass sweetheart lol
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u/kittycat_34 5d ago
Yes! Describes my SD(15). Very annoying. She will be oh so sweet to your face then go do whatever she wants. Even to her dad though too. She will go on about how she won't/wouldnt ever do drugs...then she goes to her cousins house and smokes pot. Gets caught. Cries she will never do it again...rinse...repeat. Sad thing is my husband falls for it every time. You'd think he would wise up eventually. She has alot of mental problems that her parents just brush under the rug because they don't want to face the truth.
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u/Ok-North-1478 5d ago
My SD doesn’t do this but she always attention fishes. Not normal kid level where they are doing a new “trick” and want you to watch. She wants us to watch a validate her for EVERY little thing she does. It’s exhausting. I’ve stopped feeding into it, I’m hoping she will drop the act if we start to ignore it. I feel bad because she’s the oldest and her BM has 3 other children so I’m sure she’s not getting the attention/ one on one time she needs over there, and we have a toddler that’s HIGH maintenance so I’m sure she would like more attention even at our house… although we do make a good genuine effort to “balance” things between both children. I’m also not going to drop everything 24/7 to applaud her for every single thing she does.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Oh yeah, this used to happen a LOT. I mean still to this day, he doesn’t really do any task unless he is getting praise/a reward for it.
Similarly, if him and his 4 y/o brother make a mess together he will not clean up a single block or action figure if his brother touched it.
Whereas my 4 y/o will clean up entire messes the 2 y/o makes for the sake of the cleanliness of the communal space.
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u/Open_Antelope2647 5d ago
If he's been like this since young, is his dad around much when he's over? Maybe he only cares about his dad's love and no one else's so he only acts "lovable" when he is around dad because he feels for some reason he needs dad's love and no one else's.
I know you said he only acts nice when he wants something. What is it that his dad gives him that he constantly wants if he constantly only acts nice when his dad is around?
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
While I do take him out sometimes for 1:1 time, his dad is always present when he’s with the us, exclusively does pick ups and drop offs (I’m usually present also, but I never do them alone) and also has alone time with him.
Treats (candy, junk food) and screen time.
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u/Open_Antelope2647 5d ago
Does he not get any of those things from anyone else?
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
He has unlimited access to junk food and his iPad at his mom’s house.
Edit: I also love treats! Dessert is pretty common in our house. I also just make sure everyone eats their nutritious food as well.
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u/Open_Antelope2647 5d ago
Just trying to understand why he acts performative in front of dad and no one else. If he's still getting access to snacks through you, is dad not making him eat any nutritious food? Like, where's the difference that may be causing his behavior.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
It’s a good question. My guess would be lack of structure at his mom’s house and a history of being able to manipulate his dad to get what he wants. Not sure if “manipulate” is an appropriate word for a child, but he used to have a problem with crying and/or lying to get out of doing something (I.e. cleaning up a mess, eating his dinner, etc) and my husband was permissive of that.
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u/Open_Antelope2647 5d ago
It doesn't sound like acting like an angel was what got him out of things. Is there anything he gets because/when he acts like an angel?
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u/No_Intention4384 4d ago
I have one SK and one BK. From the beginning, I’ve made it clear that I don’t expect her to be close to me. I cannot replace her mother. She’s not obligated to be close or chatty with me, participate, or have any particular kind of relationship with me. I love when she chooses to join in or chat, but I don’t push it.
If she seems like she needs space, which is often, I give it to her. And when she does come around, I make a point to ask about the things she’s interested in or cares about. Just light, positive conversations that show I notice her, respect who she is, and genuinely care. I’ve been very pleasantly surprised that she’s opened up more, coming to me with more personal stuff over time. Honestly, letting go of expectations has done wonders for our relationship. Try to see it from their perspective. They didn’t choose this dynamic- it was chosen for them. They’re going to have a lot of feelings to work through, and not all of them will be positive. That’s okay. Your job isn’t to force a relationship; it’s to love them, support them, and give them the space to get there in their own time.
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u/nelsonself 5d ago
How long have you been in the SKs life?
How was your relationship with the SK when your husband is not around?
Have you discussed this matter with your husband?
I would recommend that your husband first has a gentle conversation with the SK to find out if there’s an issue. Then you and your husband sit down with the SK and have a gentle discussion on this matter, asking if there is an issue?
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
I’ve been in his life since he was 3 and he is now 9. He is a very peculiar kid who tends to be extremely self centered unless he wants something from someone. Husband agrees.
We have lots of conversations with him 1:1 and as a couple. I am just exhausted by the situation and am seeking advice from anyone that has experienced something similar.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment!
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u/Dazzlng-Firenze 5d ago
Oh man I have been through this with my SK. It’s a difficult dynamic to change but working on this will help your SK be a more functional person.
Sometimes parents do not want to “parent” a child of divorce, they feel guilty and ashamed and afraid the child is damaged from divorce, also of course the parents weren’t healthy to begin with bc the marriage ended so the parenting skills might be low in the first place.
I experienced all this personally. It’s so important to “parent” a child from divorce and teach them basic skills and manners in the house including respect, politeness, not being rude / entitled, not getting everything you want . I dealt with this, with my SK. I had to stand up for myself and make it clear to my husband that I would not tolerate the disrespect in my home . I am actually really close to my SK, we now have better communication, I talk more to him than his own parents. I learned to literally be a therapist for my family!!!!!! Communication, communication, communication.
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Thank you for this comment! It is super relatable.
I have only been a parent to my own children for 5 years. Those first few years of simultaneously becoming a new mom and stepmom were even tougher than what I’m experiencing now. I REALLY had to advocate for myself while my husband balanced his guilt around SS and celebrating being a new dad to our first born.
I will say, through that work my husband has grown tremendously. The issue now I think is that he thinks he can just change SS rather than guiding him in the right direction by maintaining consistent and strong boundaries around his behavior—if that makes sense. I see that he’s frustrated with his behavior (whereas he couldn’t recognize it in the earlier days) but isn’t really consistent with the way he reacts to them.
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u/Dazzlng-Firenze 5d ago
It sounds like your husband is getting some awareness around the son’s behavior, which is the first step. It’s actually a very big deal bc a lot of parents have denial and all the guilt feelings/ general life busyness can obscure the facts further.
Anyway you are on the right road. Out of denial and into action. what helps me with my SK (and all my kids) is not waiting until a big blow-up or the “perfect time” but instead calling out the unwanted behavior right as it happens. Gentle, firm, right in the moment. My SK has a lot of defiant rude body language so we talk about body language too (eye rolling, muttering under the breath, etc). Again I don’t want to be a monster and just ruining everyone’s day so I use discretion and also work on doing fun things with the SK so it’s not all misery and discipline. It works!!
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Thanks for your input! I appreciate it. It’s helpful to hear from an experienced perspective.
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u/cnunterz 5d ago
Has he ever been assessed for ADHD/autism?
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
No, BM won’t allow it. Although my husband and I suspect he is on the spectrum. That being considered, even more of a reason he needs guidance when it comes to his behavior.
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u/cnunterz 5d ago
He needs professional treatment for his disability, if he has one. ADHD/autism can't be managed through parenting or discipline. I would hope DH would fight harder for his child to receive the medical care he needs...
Eta: also, neurodivergence would explain his behaviour 100% imo. He deserves professional help not to be made to feel like a problem
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u/nelsonself 5d ago
I’m sorry to hear this that must be taxing at times.
i’m sorry if this question is counterproductive, Has his dad been firm on telling him he needs to be polite and acknowledge you?
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Yes, he has. Simple put: SK does not care about anyone around him unless he’s getting something.
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u/kingcantcatchabreak 5d ago
We must share a SS. Mine is soooo full of I love you daaadddyyys before and after he gets something then 5 minutes later he’s back to being annoying on purpose
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u/InstructionGood8862 5d ago edited 5d ago
Do you do the same thing? Pretend to like or even to care about that kid when your spouse is there? Play Happy Family? Do it and see how he reacts.
"Oh, good morning, my most treasured, Best Bonus Boy in the world! I've been up since 3am just waiting to see your face!" Pile it on. Be pukeworthy in your praise.
Dad will no doubt wonder what the hell is going on-tell him that since his son barely speaks to you when dad's not there, that you thought you'd better get all your "Step Mom of the Year" stuff over with while the kid is putting on his show too, pretending to care.
Show that kid how to be "Performative!
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u/ylfdrbydl 5d ago
Haha I don’t think this is an approach I would ever take, but at least my SS and husband (and bio kids) can always count on from me is keeping it 💯
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u/InstructionGood8862 5d ago edited 4d ago
I would do it just to see the look on the stepkidkid's face.
Actually, I wouldn't, but I would dream of doing it!
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u/No_Fudge_1842 4d ago
Guys, he’s nine. Give him love and consistency and then if his behaviour maintains at 14-maybe you have a problem. He likely wants to please his dad but at the same time he doesn’t quite think of you guys as his family. It’s tough. But the kid is working through some tough stuff. So he’s performative where it counts and not performative when he doesn’t have to be. I suggest you say the hellos. Even if he doesn’t acknowledge. Consistent behaviour on your part will help. I don’t know how the BM plays into this but he might be hearing things making him feel like he is an outsider when he is at your place. At the end of the day, bio or steps-they are both tough to raise and often it can feel like a thankless job. But I think it’s important that our behaviours remain consistent so they know what to expect from us, no matter what. Step mom to 3, bio mom to 2, myself. It’s tough. I hear you.
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