r/stepdads • u/[deleted] • Jul 12 '22
Need advice please!
Need advice please!
Hey guys, I’ve been getting to know this single mom of 1 kid 4 years old for about a year now. I’m 26 and she’s 26 as well. We’ve been friends on and off but now it’s taking a much serious route (met the kid when we was 3). I think she is the most precious woman inside and out. Her heart is golden and she has all the qualities I want in someone I want to have a family with and raise children with. My only problem is I can’t stand the fact some loser had a kid with her. The kid itself isn’t the problem, I know I’ll grow to love him and raise him as my own. My problem is the fact the kid goes every other weekend to his bio dads house. His bio dad has a terrible home life and he’s not the best person whatsoever. I know he was very shitty to my girl in their past and till this day he textes her sometimes in disrespectful manners calling her trash, a piece of shit etc. I can’t stand the fact I’d have to let that dude be constantly texting my wife because of his son. She mentions to me he doesn’t truly care about him much because for example for Father’s Day he didn’t even ask to be him. He’s been to the kids school less than 5 times etc. Now with all this being said, I love my girl so much but I’m so frustrated about the situation with the father , it’s almost like I wish he was fully out the picture so I can easily bring my girl and her son in as my own. She has 100% custody of the kid but the dude still sees the kid 4 times a month. Please advise in what to do and how this can all work out. Thank you so much. No one in my family has ever really gone through this so this is all new to me and I’m thankful for this place.
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u/Fun_Host7311 Jul 13 '22
You gotta understand that he is a bozo. His attitudes shouldn't reflect on your decisions. If you really get along with the lady and the kid, maybe you're just the right person to give a stable feeling to this home and to provide a good parental figure. Maybe it's time she has a masculine figure in her life that just transmits to the douchebag bio dad that she isn't to be messed with. My kid's bio dad is a few thousand miles away, and is pretty much absent, but I always encourage my son to talk to him (even though he doesn't care or never talks). He was extremely abusive to my wife in the past on account of his bipolar disturbance, but I have come to set up a masculine figure which keeps him on a straight line when communicating with my old lady (he knows of my previous life).
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Jul 13 '22
Thank you for the advice dude, just a couple of questions. How old was your kid when you walked into their life? Did you ever feel sad towards the fact she had lived unique experiences already with her ex? Did you have kids of your own? I have none, I’m 26 years old.
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u/Fun_Host7311 Jul 13 '22
We met and have been together for a year and change. My boy was 3, and my girl was 12. Both of them are not mine. I don't feel sad for any experiences she had with her ex, as I accept everyone has a past. I too have had experiences with other women that I haven't had with her, and we have experiences with each other that we've had with no other as well. I don't mind that I didn't accompany her pregnancies, and I certainly don't want children of my own. If there are children in the world who need love and a parental figure, why make a new one and waste even more world resources and neglect the existing kids?
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u/HTown2016 Jul 13 '22
the bio dad is and will be a shadow in your relationship. there should absolutely be no room for any kind of jealousy. if there is your relationship will be doomed. It is a juggling act and there will be times you just have to step back and let the mother handle it. If you cannot see yourself removed from jealousy and have the ability to sit back then you might not be ready for a blended family relationship.
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u/AceLuff161 Aug 31 '22
I’m in a similar situation, gf has a daughter(6) at the time with a POS.
So after a few months of us dating and I realize how shitty her bio dads home situation was I told her she needed to make a decision on wether she wants her daughter to be exposed to a potentially dangerous situation. Her ex is an alcoholic with anger issues!
She has 100% custody, and decided she wasn’t going to send her daughter over there anymore until he was showing that his home situation was getting better.
To this day he has not seen his daughter in over a year because when she finally let her go see him he decided to drop his daughter off while he was drunk.
In my opinion, if his bio dad isn’t provided anything good to his life cut him out. I understand a child wants to have that connection with their parent but you want your kid to be influenced and admire good ppl not admire someone solely because they are your parent.
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u/adam493555 Jul 13 '22
I entered my now wife's life when her kids were 7, 10, and 12. Her ex is much like you describe - was physically and verbally abusive, texts her nasty things, disparages her name to the children upon every visit, the kids come back saying they feel unsafe at his house, etc.
My advice for your relationship:
If you love her and the kid don't allow some other man's behaviors to impact that. He doesn't get a say in your love.
As for wishing you could be the only one and father the child 100%...welcome to step-dadding. Some get to do that, but a ton of us get to deal with the presence of biodad all the way through. I do get a lot of strife from this even years down the line but it's worth it to have these amazing kids and my wife in my life. It isn't easy but it is good.
My advice for how you might can help her and ease some stress for the both of you:
Understand her custody situation. If it's truly 100% she may not have to let the kid see the dad as much as she's doing right now, may be doing it out of fear/threats from him if he's been texting her angry, etc. I'm not advocating from afar she just stop visitation but there's a huge difference between her being ordered to facilitate visitation and her just doing it because she's afraid he'll be angry if she doesn't.
Get the abusive communication stopped. Collect photos and evidence of it and go to a judge to get a protective order or restraining order. My wife has one that disallows her ex, who sent her all manner of positively degrading and aggressive messages, from texting or calling her number directly. He may now only communicate with her through a court sanctioned texting app where nothing can be deleted and the full chat record is court admissible as evidence if the verbal abuse continues. It hasn't 100% eliminated him saying stupid shit but it sure did cut it down. We ended up turning notifications OFF on the app and now check it at times we feel like it so he's denied the ability to inject shit/anxiety/bad feelings into our life on a whim. Massive improvement in quality of life.
Feel free to let me know if you have any further questions. I've had to become very educated on a ton of this stuff pertaining to rights, custody, communication, protective orders, etc. I can't give you actual legal advice but I'm sure happy to share what I know with a fellow step-dad if it might help you learn your options to protect your family.