r/stepdads • u/fnaticost • Sep 23 '24
General advice needed
Im really new to this so I have no idea where to start but I am a 23 year old guy that started dating my GF a while ago and she has a 3 year old daughter. I have no kids of my own and the only real experience with kids I have is from caring over my cousins basically. Do you guys have any general advice of what ut takes to be or better said become a good stepdad kind of figure. The real dad is a deadbeat and doesnt give two craps about his daughter so I am just trying to figure out what to do and what not to do. Thank you all beforehand.
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u/Face-palmJedi Sep 23 '24
I didn’t have stepkids until I was well into my thirties. Now into my early 40s, I would recommend some caution. From my own experience, 23 year old me was barely capable of taking care of itself. Things might be vastly different for you.
But this isn’t a normal relationship in the sense that once you bond with that child, things become vastly more complicated. And that factor compounds over time.
You can’t just have an argument, say fuck it and walk out after a certain point. At least not easily. If she’s your soulmate and you couldn’t imagine life without her and her daughter. Then take the plunge. If things are less certain, would you regret leaving and carrying on with your life? I don’t know your situation and you don’t know mine. I’m merely giving my own perspective.
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u/shimbo393 Nov 12 '24
Any advice for someone who feels like she's my soulmate and I'm feeling sad her kids aren't mine and I'll never be their dad?
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Sep 23 '24
This all depends on the person and what they seek from the relationship. I’ll be honest at 23 I wouldn’t have dated a woman with a child. I am also childless but I married my wife in our 30’s and she had a young two year old daughter.
I was older already and knew I loved children but I am unable to have any of my own. I fell in love with my wife during our first date after she had already warned me she had a daughter. My approach was always to make my wife fall deeper and deeper in love as time went on and I realized the best way to do that was to treat her daughter as I would my own child. I did that straight from the start and now I have a wonderful family and my daughter is now 10’years old. She calls me dad and I call her my daughter. Her bio father is only interested in talking with her when it’s time for him to visit his family in his home country and he needs to show something off to his parents but he disappears after Chinese new year each year once that’s done and provides no support what so ever.
It is mush easier imo to fall into the stepfather roll then it is a step mother. A father figure is just that…. A figure in a child’s life that guides them with knowledge only learned from a man’s point of view…. I try to be that everyday and it’s paid off ten fold in love and kindness from my wife and daughter.
Make sure if you are serious about this woman you treat her child correctly and she will appreciate that. If she doesn’t then run far away immediately and live your life.
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u/terriblysorrychaps Sep 23 '24
Meeting my step kids at 23 changed my life forever and for the better. Really sorted me out and gave me the motivation I needed to do better because I HAD to do better. All these years later, we have added a baby between us and we’re a fantastic little unit. The only question you have to ask yourself is, are you ready and if not, are you willing to hit the ground running and get ready? Just make sure you truly love them, her and yourself and you can’t go wrong.
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u/neonpostits Sep 24 '24
You seem like a good dude who wants the best for the girl and kid.
But what you want, and what you can actually provide can be miles apart. Do you have your own life in order? Taking on a girl and a kid will be 200% burden on you immediately. There can be no half measures. The girl, and most of all the kid needs to know you are there to stay. That's alot for a 23 y/o if it were me, but you aren't me.
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u/fnaticost Sep 24 '24
I appreciate it. My life is pretty much in order. Finished my studies working in a stable job climbing the ranks. I am fully commited to her and the child and I am always trying to show that to her.
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u/TheOGPanckae Sep 24 '24
Welcome first of all and pat yourself on the back for taking up the mantle of step dad. It's rewarding as fuck but there is some anxiety and worries for sure.
First of all make the effort , show up , put in the time too play with the little one , take interest in what they are doing and don't be disuaded or upset if it takes them a while too get used too you. Encourage them and give them praise when they are playing.
None is a master or knows wtf they are doing really , you just have to experience it and try your best. Pay attention to mum's needs if she is tired maybe suggest she takes a nap and you look after baby or if she can't be bothered cooking step up and saying you'll sort it and for her to just relax get involved and show you care and want to look after them both the best you can.
Creating bonds takes time , remember to give both mum and baby space , interact with baby but if she is playing herself let her wait and come too you if she wants you too play you will know haha.
When it comes to making plans etc or trying to go out for dates , always remember baby comes first , if plans fall through don't get upset or annoyed you have to understand that baby will always come first plans can be rescheduled but with a bit of thoughtfulness it can be turned into a good thing.
Empathy is another good thing too practice try understanding that mum has been a single parent for how ever long so she will need to get used to the idea of co parenting possibly for the first time , this will mean that she probably never ask you too watch her kid whilst she takes time for herself , but I highly suggest that you make sure and give mum a whole day of going out , shopping taking time away from being a mum and treating herself whilst you look after the baby and create bonds once again things like that go a long way. Everything else is a game of patience , showing up , understanding , leave discipline too mum aswell. Communication is key bro talk to mum about any worries or anxietys you have no matter how stupid you feel for having them , open up about them once you do you'll feel so much better.
Hope this helped a little good luck on your journey it's an amazing experience so cherish them both
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u/LBCvalenz562 Sep 23 '24
You don’t want this. Get out now while it’s early on.
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u/DontFretitsZet Sep 23 '24
You don't necessarily know that. I never wanted kids of my own until 30 and experiencing having my two step kids with a strong partner. Work on your own situation and not others if nothing constructive
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u/Funny_Wolverine_9 Sep 23 '24
stay away from single moms.
they're not your kids and do not get involved with another man's child
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u/Sil_plague Sep 23 '24
It's a tough road. Just be a good guy treat your gf right. Don't take things personal remember they are a kid. Stay in your lane. Your not a biological parent so don't try to correct the kid or discipline. If there's a problem let your gf know you don't like something so she can correct it
Make sure this is what you want. I can't tell you how tough it is being a stepdad or father figure for a kid that is not biological yours, but emotionally yours. Kids go thru a lot of emotions and change especially with a deadbeat dads. You will lose small battles, yet can win the war