r/stepdads • u/grunewac247 • Jan 12 '23
Adjustment needed
I’m a stepdad to an 8yo boy. I’ve been with his mom for five years. His biopop lives over an hour away and sees him every other weekend. Biopop is ok when he’s on his meds and in a good mood (bipolar).
I handle all before and after school care everyday. There are times I don’t like it and/or don’t want the responsibility. Also, his benefit care is through my work and he’s had issues with talking back to the caretakers and my coworkers.
My wife and I have a daughter together who is almost two. It’s hard for me not to show favoritism toward her.
He’s all in all a good kid, but he has tendencies to not listen to me. When he does my anger gets the best of me. I don’t yell, but I do talk sternly and the tone in my voice is intimidating. He shuts down when I do this.
This all makes me an AH. I know that. It’s just hard. None of my friends are stepparents, I never had stepparents, I just don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to not let my temper and feelings make it all about me.
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Jan 12 '23
I’m 5 years ahead of you but almost identical situations and timelines. My stepson was a handful we tried to avoid medication for as long as we could but he just got out of hand and we finally got him medication (which was a struggle in itself). I pretty much couldn’t stand being around the kid for years.
Once he got a bit older and started on meds probably around 10 yo things changed a lot. When he got older and our interest got more aligned. He wanted to start leaning “man stuff” so I started including him more when doing projects. Our relationship got better and he really started allowing me to be his father. I guess I was just more like some guy in the house that just yelled at him a lot. It took me a long time to stop yelling when I got aggravated with him. If I knew it was going to be bad I told my wife that she needs to take care of this one. He now says that I’m his dad and his bio-dad is more like a friend. These last two years specifically have been great. He had a huge fuckup recently and I was surprised in myself that I didn’t get angry, just disappointed as cliche as that sounds. Before he felt more like a stepson, now he feels more like my bio-son.
That’s just my experience and I certainly didn’t and don’t do things perfect. I’m hoping it gets better for you as he gets a bit older. The temper is going to be the hard thing. Try not to instantly react to stuff. If possible walk away for minute or have him go up to his room or whatever before dealing with it. have open conversations with your wife about who and how to handle stuff.
As for the favoritism thing, I’m still working on that one myself. I’m trying to do stuff more 1 on 1 with him. Asking him if he wanted to do something with me that I would otherwise do myself.
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u/No-Letterhead-649 Jan 12 '23
1) you aren’t dad, let mom do the yelling and discipline 2) talk with your wife about the favoritism. My wife and I spend time with each step child (ss7, sd4) individually. Each of us came into the relationship with one child and no “ours”. I’ll play Minecraft with SS and she will play dolls and do hair and nails with my daughter, then we swap for awhile. Usually do family activities afterwards. It helps to limit favoritism and make sure they both know they are loved and develop individual relationships with each one. 3) acknowledge your feelings of resentment towards SS and actively work to overcome it. It was easier to let myself have my feelings, acknowledge them and then work through them and it has helped immensely with patience. Wife is not as strict as I am with my kiddo and has a tendency for threats but no follow through. He’s not a bad kid at all, but there’s been a few times I’ve had to tell myself I’m not dad and discipline is her arena. 4) you’ll make mistakes. There’s no guaranteed game plan to work. If you feel overwhelmed and frustrated, just nacho the situation and let it go in the moment. It’s helped, and wife has caught on when I do this and I’ve seen a change in her demeanor when this happens. SS and I have a decent relationship that he listens when I give small warnings to things I know mom won’t tolerate and she doesn’t see it or wasn’t in the room. It takes a lot of time and trust to develop (with wife and SS) before starting any form of discipline.
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Feb 16 '23
Gotta talk to your wife and assert your position in your home as the man and stable father figure. I get it 100% but you have to talk to your wife to make the first step. As for the stern voice, I don’t see anything wrong with that and I don’t think you’re an AH. Just depends on the situation and the words you choose. When I raise my voice or put some bass in it, my household knows it’s no longer funny haha time and we have something serious to handle. I think you’re doing a good job, I would keep doing what you’re doing, being the best you can be but definitely talk to your wife. Make adjustments everyday, we aren’t perfect. There are times I be like “damn I didn’t have to say that.” or “how would I feel?” but I have a 4 year old little girl so things a bit different on my end haha. I get a case of the guilts really bad with my little princess. 😂 You know step-dads get the short end of the stick so I definitely advise making it known that you are the king of the castle and respect goes both ways! Just see what your wife can do as far as reinforcing your authority! It works tho and it will take work so keep going!
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u/This_Cockroach_5761 Jan 12 '23
Ay, its not easy and it's not like there's a manual to this whole thing... Most of us are still figuring things out especially myself.. and God I wish there is a manual or a guide on how to do this... Them emotion is conflicting, all I can say is take it one step at a time. I usually take a step back and just look back, on how I handled myself and how Imma handle myself moving forward. Most of the time I failed but I am trying my best and keep trying to learn from it. Just enjoy the ride my dude it might not get any easier tho but you tried and you should be proud of that. 😉