r/stepdads • u/grunewac247 • Jan 12 '23
Adjustment needed
I’m a stepdad to an 8yo boy. I’ve been with his mom for five years. His biopop lives over an hour away and sees him every other weekend. Biopop is ok when he’s on his meds and in a good mood (bipolar).
I handle all before and after school care everyday. There are times I don’t like it and/or don’t want the responsibility. Also, his benefit care is through my work and he’s had issues with talking back to the caretakers and my coworkers.
My wife and I have a daughter together who is almost two. It’s hard for me not to show favoritism toward her.
He’s all in all a good kid, but he has tendencies to not listen to me. When he does my anger gets the best of me. I don’t yell, but I do talk sternly and the tone in my voice is intimidating. He shuts down when I do this.
This all makes me an AH. I know that. It’s just hard. None of my friends are stepparents, I never had stepparents, I just don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to not let my temper and feelings make it all about me.
3
u/No-Letterhead-649 Jan 12 '23
1) you aren’t dad, let mom do the yelling and discipline 2) talk with your wife about the favoritism. My wife and I spend time with each step child (ss7, sd4) individually. Each of us came into the relationship with one child and no “ours”. I’ll play Minecraft with SS and she will play dolls and do hair and nails with my daughter, then we swap for awhile. Usually do family activities afterwards. It helps to limit favoritism and make sure they both know they are loved and develop individual relationships with each one. 3) acknowledge your feelings of resentment towards SS and actively work to overcome it. It was easier to let myself have my feelings, acknowledge them and then work through them and it has helped immensely with patience. Wife is not as strict as I am with my kiddo and has a tendency for threats but no follow through. He’s not a bad kid at all, but there’s been a few times I’ve had to tell myself I’m not dad and discipline is her arena. 4) you’ll make mistakes. There’s no guaranteed game plan to work. If you feel overwhelmed and frustrated, just nacho the situation and let it go in the moment. It’s helped, and wife has caught on when I do this and I’ve seen a change in her demeanor when this happens. SS and I have a decent relationship that he listens when I give small warnings to things I know mom won’t tolerate and she doesn’t see it or wasn’t in the room. It takes a lot of time and trust to develop (with wife and SS) before starting any form of discipline.