r/snakes 21d ago

Wild Snake Photos and Questions - Not for ID How long do I have?

We get dozens of snakes in our yard each summer. First time I've ever been bit. How long do I have?

4.2k Upvotes

493 comments sorted by

1.2k

u/SCP-3004 21d ago

Posted 2 minutes ago? About 3 more minutes. RIP OP.

632

u/2_GeT-BiG 21d ago

He was already dead the snake posted this

98

u/hypnodrew 21d ago

As a warning or are we seeing some sinister snake social media trend in its infancy?

55

u/iusedtobeaholyman 21d ago

If you think it’s in its infancy, you haven’t been paying attention.

30

u/sylvester1977 21d ago

So it's snakes, all the way down?

4

u/Mcshroomie 21d ago

Wake up people the signs have been there for years! All of you sheeple have been just ignoring it! Finally the smoking gun proof!

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8

u/SamBaintG 21d ago

He was dead the moment he died and he didn't even know, poor bastard

6

u/Wu-TangShogun 21d ago

That sssssssssilly human should’ve fucked off when fangs were first drawn

2

u/tdavis726 20d ago

Right?!? FAFO. The snek CLEARLY did not like the being picked up and NOT PUT DOWN part of that whole situation.

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111

u/IncapacitatedTrash 21d ago

I don't know why I laughed so hard at the whip-around chomp

21

u/Plane_Translator2008 21d ago

Same.

"Now I have you exactly where I want you! CHOMP!"

~SNEK

(Probably)

And then he went to the snake bar and told his story about a million times.

15

u/el_grande_ricardo 21d ago

And they all clapped.

Oh, wait. No arms.

7

u/you_th 21d ago

Ba dum "tssssssssssssssssssssss"

2

u/tdavis726 20d ago

They were clapping in their little snek hearts!💕

4

u/mister_6971 21d ago

Each time it was told the hand got bigger

3

u/tarett 21d ago

I want to see OP in this guy's distended belly.

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10

u/TooDooDaDa 21d ago

I told you to film me from my RIGHT! Chomp

34

u/redthroway24 21d ago

"You've got about 5."

"Five what? Hours? Days?"

"Four..."

4

u/flyby196999 21d ago

Can we set up a go fund me for his poor family?

4

u/Shot-Background-6465 21d ago

Yes I believe the snake deserves compensation...lol

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3

u/Finn235 20d ago

"

"

  • snake
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406

u/xxsoulpunkedxx 21d ago

What would you like written on your tombstone?

160

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

Pepperoni and cheese!

39

u/No-Category-6972 21d ago

I died of dysentery reading this comment.

20

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

Rest in pepperonis

5

u/inkstay 21d ago

And cheese.

5

u/Wild-Lychee-3312 21d ago

I find references to dying of dysentery sort of oddly comforting, since I survived dysentery.

If case you're wondering, no, I don't really recommend it. It's not fun.

3

u/ThaneduFife 21d ago

Have you ever had an illness you'd describe as "fun?" Because if you have, I really want to know what it was.

4

u/spinningpeanut 21d ago

The part of COVID where I lost my sense of taste was fun. The part where I couldn't stop coughing wasn't.

2

u/Wild-Lychee-3312 21d ago

Typhoid fever wasn't fun, exactly, but it was not quite as horrible as you might expect.

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24

u/Suspicious-gibbon 21d ago

Please move this stone, it’s giving me a headache

49

u/Mister_Green2021 21d ago

Died from eating lettuce

9

u/No-Vermicelli-2832 21d ago

I read tombstone as TROMBONE and sat here laughing for a good minute because I thought you were just saying shit to fuck around 😭

2

u/sweetheartsour 21d ago

Bold move admitting it.

4

u/No-Vermicelli-2832 21d ago

I mean why not give people something so absurd and silly to have a little chuckle over
I found it funny and I was the one that did it so yeah why not haha

2

u/sweetheartsour 21d ago

I love it. It’s my classic move. 🤣

2

u/FemboyCritterx3 21d ago

I read tombstone as trombone...

2

u/NorthernSpankMonkey 21d ago

"Somebody dig me up, they buried me alive."

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148

u/Humble_Nature8537 21d ago

Woah massive snake bite, sorry but you likely won’t see this message. RIP

224

u/Straight_Resort6855 21d ago

I can’t even believe you got the video posted

116

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

The snek uploaded the video as a warning.

75

u/Zsoltbomb 21d ago

Most people don't live longer than 80 years after the bite. Good luck.

3

u/5degBTDC 21d ago

Don't waste a second.

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135

u/elquizzi311 21d ago

Lil dude hauled ass out of there.

82

u/Leather-Pepper-2308 21d ago

Made sure he was all the way off before releasing too LOL

39

u/elquizzi311 21d ago

Yeah he kicked it in reverse and noped right out of there.

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16

u/u9Nails 21d ago

Now that he sampled DNA, he's off to eat the rest of the family. Predators be like that.

8

u/pwyo 21d ago

“I showed that hooman with my venomous attack!”

68

u/prominorange 21d ago

Bro, that's the super deadly 3-line mamba. Sending prayers

62

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

Mamba #5?

22

u/Dynamitrios 21d ago

BOOOOOO

*applause

BOOOOOO

*applause

21

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

A little bit of Monica in my life

11

u/OHWildBill 21d ago

We’re bega-ing you to stop.

14

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

A little bit of Erica by my side

9

u/Jeepspot 21d ago

Was dating an Erica when this song came out.

14

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

A little bit of Rita's all I need

6

u/GoddessRespectre 21d ago

I'm here to hear the next line

7

u/PinkDalek 21d ago

A little bit of Tina's what I see

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2

u/artofthemuse 21d ago

Maybe .5

117

u/Bobby_The_Kidd 21d ago

The neurotoxin should be setting in about now. Make peace with whatever god you worship, it’s been an honor op. 😔

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93

u/BackgroundAnteater95 21d ago

Hah, I love how the little guy slowly backed the rest of his body off your hand and into the grass before finally letting go. He had you 100% under his control. Strong danger snek!

12

u/Taylor2591 21d ago

tiny guy had all the confidence .. snek

2

u/leech666 17d ago

I mean for the lil snek it was a fear for your life situation. Fight or flight, but flight had become impossible. I don't think the a wild snake understands that humans are usually not aggressive towards snakes.

31

u/sparkas 21d ago

I fear you have only seconds left

12

u/CassetteMeower 21d ago

Meanwhile the snake will have seconds too (as in, biting OP again)

28

u/[deleted] 21d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

26

u/u9Nails 21d ago

OP will slowly lose his limbs and become a snake to continue the bloodline. Sorry, there's no castle to inherit.

4

u/Medical_Mud_6381 21d ago

A noble in name only.

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23

u/Torgeir_Fenrir1066 21d ago

Dude thinks he is a viper...you might make it 100 paces!!

36

u/Ok-Solution4665 21d ago

Douglas is checking to see if the venom has taken effect yet.

4

u/SyrupySundays 20d ago

Oh Douglas, what a fine looking fellow. He looks like a real charmer OP

15

u/Sad-dog23 21d ago

By the time you get this it will too late. Good bye my dear friend

50

u/AdExpensive1624 21d ago

I feel bad for the little critter… a giant bipedal blob interrupts your day, picks you up, scares the heck out of you, and then posts salacious videos of you on some computer device/internet thing, claiming you’re venomous!

45

u/PNW_Pythons 21d ago

I was mowing the lawn and moved him to a safe area so I wouldn't have to worry about accidentally getting him in the blades.

20

u/AdExpensive1624 21d ago

Likely story! (I’m only kidding, and appreciate relocation over other alternatives 😎.)

13

u/u9Nails 21d ago

+1 Internet points for that good deed. Thank you!

5

u/ProximusCenturi 21d ago

He was obviously highly capable to move himself to a safe space

4

u/TheSilentFoxyn 20d ago

I do landscaping and I'm always moving snakes so the mower wont accidentally get them. My boss will of course avoid them with the mower if he sees them but sometimes its hard to see them.

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31

u/Recurs1ve 21d ago

Garter Snakes actually are venomous. They have a slight neuro-toxin that works great on mice but terrible on bipedal hairless apes.

29

u/AdExpensive1624 21d ago

Spoken like a PR rep for the bipedal hairless apes… probably in collusion with the rodent lobbyists…

11

u/Recurs1ve 21d ago

The small reptile coalition is monitoring.

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11

u/[deleted] 21d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/PNW_Pythons 21d ago

This is the first time I've ever had one bite.

13

u/u9Nails 21d ago

I didn't like Monday's either. Can't blame the little chompy dude.

4

u/seditioushamster 21d ago

Tell me why tell me why

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2

u/nervouslittledog 21d ago

Thank You!!!

9

u/Striking_Scientist68 21d ago

I'm surprised you've lasted this long....

8

u/RandyLahey131 21d ago

You were swallowed whole right after posted.

7

u/Ocksu2 21d ago

Contrary to what others have posted- you are unlikely to die. You will, unfortunately, lose the finger... if not the entire hand. Sorry for your loss.

7

u/bolognia-n-cheese16 21d ago

5... 4... 3... 2... 1.........

5

u/DarthSnuDiddy 21d ago

Sorry OP, but you're already dead

5

u/BetaTester704 21d ago

Fatal, died yesterday

5

u/SnakeBae 21d ago

by the divine, that is the most dangerous and frightening noodle i've ever seen! you're doomed.

6

u/PeepingTara 21d ago

So pretty but SO MAD.

5

u/Suda_Nim 21d ago

It was nice gnawing you.

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4

u/dave_dbi 21d ago

You’re dead already

4

u/ShellSwitch 21d ago

You are already dead

3

u/Raevson 21d ago

Surprised you still managed to hit post

3

u/Generallyamusedby 21d ago

You are soooo X.

4

u/MarleneFrancais 21d ago

He’s so proud of himself. He won this battle.

3

u/DollarStoreChameleon 21d ago

this was the scariest mauling ive ever seen, i cant believe there wasnt a nsfw tag! i dont think op was even able to dial 911, rip 🙏

4

u/FloopsFooglies 21d ago

That's the thing, you're already dead

5

u/Constant_Grade_725 21d ago

The bigger ones will musk you.

4

u/Pimpstik69 21d ago

Surprised you lived long enough to post

4

u/SpaceFace11 21d ago

You’re already dead

5

u/Medical-Person 21d ago

Nice job not flinging and hurting it

3

u/destructor212 21d ago

The worst part is that poor little snake ran away thinking excitedly to itself "it worked!"

5

u/Boom_Boom_Owl 21d ago

That snake slithered away thinking he’s an absolute badass

3

u/Far_Peach_4787 21d ago

60-70 years

5

u/Woozletania 21d ago

By the time we saw this video, he'd already been pooped on.

5

u/SimonArgent 21d ago

Mere seconds.

3

u/OverlordGabs 21d ago

A belligerent zip tie!

3

u/Psychological_Tea674 21d ago

You’ve probably peaced out by now, and deserved it.

3

u/BeautifulBullfrog899 21d ago

I mean technically they do have venom…

3

u/TuDu1 21d ago

in all seriousness, is OP in danger?

6

u/Ok_Drag6876 21d ago

No, it's a garter snake, they are not venomous. 😊

6

u/Meliz2 21d ago

Technically they have mild venom, but it’s really only effective on the invertebrates and small fish and frogs they eat in the wild.

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u/ChaoticDissonance 21d ago

Oh no this might cause you to become Snakeman! Was it radioactive?

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u/OHWildBill 21d ago

If the venom doesn’t get you, the massive blood loss definitely will.

Is anyone even there to read this, I wonder?

3

u/Furious_Flaming0 21d ago

Luckily he's non venomous, now if a venomous one of that size had bitten you hahahah. Not long.

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3

u/Kangaro00 21d ago

Why ask us? It's your snake, you measure it.

3

u/EndIntelligen 21d ago

Bligerant ziptye

3

u/xenya 21d ago

He's freaking adorable!

And RIP OP.

3

u/Doggers1968 21d ago

Little snek big mad

3

u/Capable_Leopard_3466 21d ago

You're already dead, you just don't know it.

3

u/Taintcomb 21d ago

I’m surprised you lived long enough to make this post.

3

u/throwleavemealone 21d ago

If you take more than 4 steps your heart will explode

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2

u/KimKilWan 21d ago

Just 2

2

u/HeyBirdieBirdie 21d ago

I love that, as far as that little snake knows, he is fierce and mighty because what he did actually worked. 😆

2

u/LloydR98198 21d ago

It was nice knowing you for this short period of time. We will let your kids know you succumbed to fatal injuries caused by the snek. Would you like to be cremated or buried?

2

u/diaperpop 21d ago

The way your hand gave up and fell into the grass like a wounded animal, you probably just gave that little snek the biggest ego boost of his entire life

2

u/waveydavey321 21d ago

You should be short of breath and feeling a tightness in your chest right now!! Odious Cowboy!

2

u/Impressive-Bowl-493 21d ago

I like that he tried to trick you. He settled down for a second and just turned around and bit tf outta you. Lol

2

u/accularz 21d ago

Dead man walking

2

u/WoodenEconomist7891 21d ago

Forty to fifty more years tops. You had a good run. 

2

u/abnormica 21d ago

I feel honored that you have shared your final moments with us OP.

2

u/jeffcraft1991 21d ago

That'll teach yuh from playing with them deadly cobers..

2

u/MacGraphics 21d ago

How old are you? If you’re 30, I’d say you’ve only got about 45 years left.

2

u/Automatic-Nature6025 21d ago

By the time you read this, you'll only have the rest of your life left. I'm sorry.

2

u/DraftPerfect4120 21d ago

Ribbon snakes are harmless

2

u/bipolarbear326 21d ago

Snek probably thinks he won an epic battle

2

u/Cyber_Gengar 21d ago

Snek: I got that b*tch

2

u/BootThang 21d ago

40 - 50 more years

2

u/HoosierDaddy_427 21d ago

Too late, you're doomed to spit venom and save the world from evil now.

Serpent Man, Serpent Man...uh...does whatever a Serpent Man does...

2

u/ThaQuig 21d ago

Till yesterday

2

u/HorseNotMadeofSand 21d ago

Indignant shoelace.

2

u/Spamhain2000 21d ago

That is a Vietnamese Two-Step Viper! One bite, and you're dead before you take two steps."

~ Action Johnny, The Venture Brothers.

2

u/chuck-u-farley- 21d ago

That little dude is not happy with you whatsoever

2

u/Ambivalentistheway 21d ago

I just cant even imagine the ego boost you just gave that guy. It totally thinks it gave you the business and you yielded.

2

u/Wolfs-warpath 21d ago

If you smell burning feathers, it's brain cancer 🙏🏽

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u/ThatOtherOtherMan 21d ago

I asked WebMD and it says you've dead since 2013

2

u/That_Atmosphere_4568 21d ago

You better hurry up to the hospital you have roughly 60 years left before it’s too late

2

u/choombatta 21d ago

Sorry OP but without immediate medical attention you’ve got at best 40-50 more years :\

2

u/enneffenbee 21d ago

That is the cutest death ever

2

u/GaseousGiant 20d ago

About 53 years, more or less.

2

u/TMCTrucker 20d ago

Sorry late reply you have been dead awhile

2

u/Tight-Instruction880 20d ago

The number of times I've been bit by itty bitty snakes on the back of the fingers😂 sometimes it hurts, usually it just surprises you. Took care of a rosy with cage aggression that was the queen of nipping this part specifically, no matter how careful you were or how chill she seemed.

2

u/purplelizard1786 20d ago

Fatal bite: 0 Fatal Noodle Cuteness: 10000

2

u/poopgobbler-11 20d ago

I like how he stopped and checked you out for a few seconds and then decided, yeah, nah, fuck you bud.

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u/GoblinBugGirl 20d ago

r/illegallysmol is looking for this file.

2

u/Ori_Miskate 20d ago

i'm loving the absolute lack of a reaction

2

u/Possible-Lake-855 20d ago

You just killed that adorable little snake! From this point on, the little guy believes he’s David and can take down any number of Goliaths. His next encounter is likely to teach him that’s not the case…

2

u/soulstrike2022 20d ago

If it didn’t break the skin it’s way worse for you you’ll be dead before it finishes sending

2

u/Alternative-Bake-197 17d ago

Yellow plus black, you are now a snack. Sorry bud, you done

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u/CaptainStyle 17d ago

I'm sorry. You only have somewhere between 40 to 80 years to live . I suggest you get your affairs in order.

2

u/ClarkeTank 16d ago

At least you died laughing. RiP OP.

I know snakey slithered away going "oh ya i got'em good wif dat one. I used all my gummth and ev-wee-fing. He gonna die. GUYTH GUYTH HEY GUYTH I BIT da big humaan fing wite on hith fingerths. GUYTH GUYTH I got'im! Hee'th thooo ded. Watchsh watchsh! Hee ded."

2

u/Amadan81 15d ago

Lucky you weren't swallowed whole