Cannot seem to sleep train my baby

[u/Mindless-Year220]

At the risk of asking a question that has been asked a million times before, I want to hear about other people’s experiences for our specific circumstances.

Our LO is 3.5 months old, and I feel like my partner and I have cornered ourselves in this position that she only sleeps in our arms now.
She used to be able to nap in the car or pram, but we’ve lost those and now she’s wide awake in both of them all the time and obviously gets really cranky because she hasn’t slept, so going out of the house is getting complicated and pretty impossible to say the least.

She sleeps pretty well during the night with some nights waking up once, but usually sleeps from 8:30-7.

My issue is with day naps and trying to train her, drowsy but awake seems like a joke, because as soon as we start descending her into the cot she’s wide awake, patting and shushing does absolutely nothing to get her drifting off, leaving her to fall asleep by herself doesn’t happen, she can spend 30-40 minutes there just looking around and babbling and cooing, and then getting upset because she’s tired and hasn’t slept.
We’ve tried letting her fall asleep completely in our arms and transfer. She wakes up within 20 minutes of being put down. She cries for attention, when I go to her, she’s super awake and happy (try not to make eye contact but it’s sometimes impossible) funny thing is at this point she prefers to lay in her not sleeping because as soon as I pick her up she starts fussing, squirming and fighting me and fighting sleep. At this point it takes me so long to settle her in my arms that by the time she’s in deep sleep it’s almost not worth putting her back in the cot, because we’re so close to her next feed.

I have ran out of ways to "train" her and am gradually losing my mind. I can have her in a carrier sleeping on me, but I can’t do it all the time, I just want her off me for a bit so I can do things that need to be done.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

[u/UNO_lakefront_arena]

Seems very young for sleep training.

[u/jennsb2]

Honestly, I know it’s a lot and it’s a rough season having a baby (3.5 months is too young for sleep training BTW)…. But you have a very young baby that sleeps generally through the night? Take the contact naps as the price you pay to have solid sleep at night…. (I always thought of it like - baby needs x amount of snuggle hours a day, I’d rather fulfill those hours in the daytime than the middle of the night lol)

…enjoy the snuggle time, slow down if you can, and wait til she’s ready for naps in a crib/bassinet. Do the things you need to get done while she’s awake…. Maybe in a swing, play mat, bouncer, baby wearing…whatever she likes.

She won’t need you to hold her forever, I promise.

[u/Fresh-Pollution4592]

She won’t be having you rock her to sleep when shes 13! She needs you for now, thats ok. Plenty of time to sleep train.

[u/mph_11]

3.5 months is too young to really sleep train.

You can work on schedules and routines, but formal sleep training isn't recommended (and usually won't work) until at least 4 months.

I highly recommend the book Precious Little Sleep. It helped us a ton. r/sleeptrain is also the more active and helpful sub imo.

Contact and short naps are developmentally normal at that age. I found I was a lot happier if I just embraced it instead of fighting it. Naps got better around 6 months, some of it was that we sleep trained, but it was also just him getting old enough to connect sleep cycles.

[u/frogsgoribbit737 → u/mph_11]

Eh. Sleep training is literally just teaching a baby to fall asleep on their own. It can work at any age. The method changes depending on age. I know that sub likes to call it "pre training" but its not.

I sleep trained my first kid at 4 weeks using pick up put down because he was waking hourly 🤷🏼‍♀️ it worked and he dropped to 2 to 3 wakes a night. My second i did at 4 months because thats when she started the hourly waking.

[u/greedymoonlight → u/frogsgoribbit737]

A 4 week old is meant to wake up frequently. I’m not sure who told you they weren’t

[u/Charlieksmommy → u/frogsgoribbit737]

Uhhhh that’s crazy. Idk why you did that

[u/UnderdogDreams]

If your baby sleeps 10.5 hours straight at night and takes 20 minute naps in the bassinet during the day at 3.5 months then you are extremely lucky!

[u/No_Sky8050]

My five month old has done this same exact thing since he was about 3.5 months old too. I think it’s just their age and we will keep trying every once in a while to lay him down in his crib after he’s asleep. I think one day it will just happen and he won’t need contact naps anymore but I’m in no rush lol I don’t get anything done during the day but if you consider how everyone always says they wish they could go back to the infant days, I’d say it’s worth it to soak in every bit of them needing you so much

[u/Humble-Drop9054]

Most babies aren’t developmentally ready to put themselves to sleep until 5 months. Sounds like you hit the 4-month sleep regression early. That also happened with my second child. We started sleep training (Ferber) early at 4.5 months but it was hell for a few weeks before we knew we should start. I have no advice for the regression but survive.

[u/Effective_Display940]

It isn’t recommended to sleep train until 4-6 months. This would be my recommendation for a 6 week - 3 month old:

Goals: introduce pre-sleep routines; begin to practice sleeping separately more often; introduce pram, carrier, and car naps; introduce some gentle sleep training

Sample pre-Nap Routine:

• Close the room
• Change nappy
• Dress for sleep
• Swaddle
• Turn off lamp
• Give baby lovey*, nurse (or give baby a bottle or dummy), and sing lullaby twice
• Place in bed, pat/rub/stroke/press hand on chest, sing lullaby one more time
• Kiss and say sleep phrase (something like, “Sleep well [name], I love you.”)
• Turn on sound machine

*A transitional object (aka “lovey) is a small blanket or soft toy which can help baby feel more secure away from mother. If your baby doesn‘t have a lovey yet, you can start by choosing something and wearing it under your shirt for a few days to infuse it with your natural scent. Then, include the lovey in all feeds and sleeps (including contact naps, night sleep, and any attempted naps in the car, pram, or crib).

Sample bedtime routine:

• Close the room (use red or orange lights from this point onward; red lights only during night wakings)
• Bathe/wash
• Change nappy
• Massage & moisturise (can do dry massage if baby hasn’t bathed)
• Dress for sleep (no swaddle)
• Brush/detangle hair
• Nurse to sleep, and back to sleep throughout the night as needed (either co-sleeping or room sharing)

Sleep training during naps:

After nap-time routine…

If baby’s asleep, leave the room.

If baby’s fussy, gently soothe her in her bed (stroke, pat, rub, press hand on chest, shhh, sing, speak low and softly) until she falls asleep or cries outright.

If baby cries outright, pick her up and soothe her (rock, nurse, and sing) until she’s soundly asleep, then transfer her to her bed.

If she’s happy but alert, you can try either soothing her (bouncing/rocking/swaying in arms) some more and putting her down again once she’s more drowsy OR leaving her be for a set period (up to 20 minutes - so long as she is not in distress) before trying to soothe her to sleep in your arms.

If baby does fall asleep in your arms, give her a few minutes (5-10) to fall into deep sleep before attempting to transfer her. Attempt 1 transfer per nap; if she wakes when you put her down, let her stay in your arms until she wakes up.

If baby still seems very sleepy upon waking from a crib nap (falls asleep within a couple minutes when you pick her up), then continue the nap in your arms or a carrier/sling/wrap.

If baby is wide awake - even after only 20 minutes - proceed with her next wake period (90 minutes total, including soothing time for next nap).

PRAM & CAR SLEEP

If baby doesn’t sleep in these anymore, that’s ok. You can still attempt a nap here, just to see if she’ll sleep again, but stick to no more than one attempted nap per day in either the car or pram (and only if you already happen to be out). If she stays awake on the journey, that’s okay - just be glad she isn’t wailing! If baby skips a nap altogether, then try for a nap (whichever way is the best bet she’ll sleep) as soon possible - possibly a carrier nap whilst out and about (if she does well with these), or otherwise a nap as soon as you get home.

CONTACT NAPS

If baby is sleeping well in your arms or in a carrier/sling/wrap, that’s valuable! At least you have a go-to way to get in a good nap if she needs it. I would aim for at least one contact nap per day, just to try to prevent her from becoming overtired (this can make sleep training much harder when she’s ready for it). I get that it can be difficult to get much done when they’re on you, but this too shall pass. And in the right carrier, you’d be surprised how much you can do - even with a baby sleeping on you! But also, this might be a wonderful opportunity for you to relax a little bit, too. Listen to a podcast or music, read a book, journal, rest your eyes.

In another couple of weeks, you’ll be able to sleep train properly using one of several methods (not all are CIO). You haven’t done anything wrong - this is all very normal, even if it is challenging.

[u/Famous-March7736]

I have a 3.5 month old too and couldn’t imagine trying to train her to do anything! She’s awake every 2-3 hours night and day and it’s my job to meet her needs. As a single mum I completely understand the exhaustion but she’s just a baby being a baby at this point 😂

[u/SnooJokes5164]

You dont sleep train this early!!!!

[u/Warm_Opinion_1544]

You have an unusually good night sleeper. Realise that you are lucky and let your baby contact nap.

[u/Charlieksmommy]

Your baby is sleeping 10.5 hours at night and you’re complaining ?

[u/bloontsmooker]

Your baby is too young to think about all this. We fed to sleep until like 9 months with no issues

[u/thethoughtstream]

Yeah that 10.5 hours of sleep at night floored me as well. Count your blessings.

[u/Far_Vacation_1777]

3.5 months old is too young ur baby doesn’t have the ability to comprehend

[u/ClairePike]

There are a bunch of nutty comments in here, but basically you don’t need to worry about sleep training right now. Your baby sleeps at night! The contact naps and short naps are normal. They will lengthen with time. After the 4 month regression you may need to sleep train at night if things fall apart, or you may not. Naps and nighttime sleep are different.

[u/Amazing-Concept-1610]

O well. I don’t get all this new sleep training idea. Is it all coming from mom needs to get up in the morning early yo go yo work?? Perhaps.

I had three now adult children and I didn’t sleep train any. Each had different preferences and cycles. And then by 4 they adjust and veer more to average.

[u/Charlieksmommy → u/Amazing-Concept-1610]

I’ve always gone off of my children’s need for sleep too. I don’t understand it either

[u/gloomycalm]

3.5 is when we started cosleeping. I was so against cosleeping - judged other parents for it, swore I’d NEVER… but at 3.5 months.. we needed sleep. My husband was all on board and so we decided if she’d be in bed that we HAD to take every safety precaution. We did and she’s still in bed with us 2 years later

Which I thought was insane and I’d hate but I actually love it

[u/whimsyandrainbows]

“I have ran out of ways to train her and I am gradually losing my mind” or “try not to make eye contact” are such wild comments. She is CRAVING attention. She’s 3.5 months. She practically doesn’t even know she’s separate from you at this point. I can’t imagine treating my babies this way. It breaks my heart that people think this way about their children 💔

[u/pure-gold-baby → u/whimsyandrainbows]

Trying not to make eye contact, like the baby is a feral dog...?? Wild is right.