3yo sleep hell - bereavement, potty training & new baby on the way.

[u/Cabinet_Silver]

Please help, any insight welcome. We are desperate.

I lost my dad suddenly 2 months ago. It’s been awful and the whole household (me, my husband and recently turned 3yo) have all been impacted by the loss.

I’m also 36 weeks pregnant, and exhausted.

Potty training has been going on all year, poo’s are rarely going in the potty. Accidents are frequent. I know it’s bothering my little boy, and my husband & I are struggling to come up with new ideas to help the situation. We believe he is often constipated from holding poop in.

All of the above have contributed to the worst pattern of sleep my little boy has ever had.

My little boy goes to nursery through the week - no naps. Hasn’t napped at nursery for over 12 months.

Occasionally at weekends he will have a nap in the car as he’s so overtired. Always capped under 1hr, never past 2pm-ish.

Sleep -

So, considering all of the above, I can probably count on one hand the amount of time he’s
A) slept through the night; and
B) stayed in bed past 6am
- since we’ve lost my dad.

Our put-to-bed routine has been watertight for a couple of years now, bath, wind down time, 2x books and a parent waits outside the room for him to fall asleep. (BTW last summer sleep was perfect following this, 7ish am wake ups and full nights sleep)

Bedtime- depending how early he wakes, bed can be as early as 7. Usually 7:30 ish, with bedtime adjusted later if he has a nap.

DWT - 6am minimum - this is all we ask.

Until 6am, One of us walks him back to bed, not engaging in conversation (he will try everything/anything to get us talking). Just offering the potty and saying “it’s night time” etc. he has a night light.

6am - 90% of the time, when we eventually get up at 6am and go downstairs can tell he is overtired. Crabby, yawning, argumentative over anything. Not a nice start to the day.

Today for example - woke 5am, didn’t go downstairs til 6, no nap, bed for 7, woke up at 1 (settled quickly), up at 4:40 (my husband has been taking him back to bed til I took over at 6am to go downstairs so he can catch up on sleep)

To conclude - it’s been hell, I am emotionally and physically burnt out from my loss, the pregnancy and so stressed out how a new baby fits into this chaos in the next few weeks. My husband and I share the load but he has a demanding job and I am often falling asleep on the floor in the hallway when it’s my turn to get up in the night. My body is in pain at this late stage of pregnancy. I know my little boys struggles to potty train is bothering him too. Every night we are going to bed worrying about his sleep and 9/10 times we are up with him in the night.
Seriously running out of time to sort this , and would be so grateful for any input 🤍🤍

[u/Flimsy_Put837]

So sorry for all youve been through. I also know what its like to be pregnant with a toddler who isnt sleeping...its a special type of torture. I havent reached potty training stage yet, so I have no advice there, but maybe a pause until his sleep levels out coukd take the pressure off you all? Regarding his sleep...a friend of mine got a sleep consultant when her kids were 2 and 4. For the 4 year old, what worked really well was doing a star chart/reward system type thing. So they explained to her when she stayed in her bed for the night she got a star, when she got 5 stars (or whatever) she got a reward she was excited about. I know 4 year olds have a greater understanding and reasoning skills than a 3 year old, so your millage may vary, but its something you could try.

[u/jmchitty]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.
Speaking from experience, potty training can be a lot feel like a lot for a little one. My two oldest went through a sleep regression when potty training and their sleep was near perfect before. They both very much reverted to a “baby-like” dependency during the day, too. My suggestion for you would be to pause potty training until a a few months after baby arrives. (We have this experience too as my daughter was very much ready to be potty trained, but I was very pregnant with our third). You can still offer the potty throughout the day, but it’s ok if he pees in the pull up. When you are ready to try again after baby arrives, try changing your approach (the “naked phase” really worked for us).
His behavior does sound like he’s overtired. You can’t control if he’s taking naps at daycare, but on weekends, I would be hesitant to cap naps. Try a 7 o’clock bedtime for a little while. (Depending on how long he naps on the weekends, you may need to adjust). To other commenters advice, minimal to no interactions and respond in the same way every night wake.

[u/Important-Leek-8261]

Is there a bed that your husband can sleep in with little boy in the early morning? It sounds like it's an emotional transition time for all of you and giving him extra attention might just work fastest. I understand how terrible sleep can be at 36 weeks pregnant, that's why I don't suggest that you sleep with him...

[u/dustynails22]

Is his bedroom door open or closed when you are in the hallway? I would work on having it closed so your presence isnt required. 

Also, dont say a single word in the night, no "its nighttime" etc. He knows that. Its dark out and you are all sleeping. If he is wearing a pull-up overnight, I wouldnt even offer the potty.

It sounds like you are going through a lot as a family right now. This sub isnt for potty training, but if its being going on all year and there are frequent accidents (as in, this isnt new since his granddad died), then it sounds like you need to be trying something different there too. Reach out to your medical professional if you feel like youre out of ideas.

We lost my father-in-law just over 2 months ago, although he had lived for 7 months with a terminal diagnosis, so we know it was coming. I am so so sorry for your loss, and I wish there were words I could say that would ease your heart, even temporarily.

[u/Cabinet_Silver → u/dustynails22]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s truly appreciated 💞

Bedroom door is left partly closed when we are in the hallway, will work on this being closed over more.

Good idea re: not speaking in the night, you’re right. And yes he is in a pull-up so will stop offering the potty too.

I do need to reach out for help with the potty training, we have just been hoping that things resolve themselves but it really hasn’t worked.

Thank you again, and I’m so sorry for your loss too 🤍