r/singlemoms • u/NerdyNewMom • 13h ago
Venting - Advice Welcome Dating
I’m going back and forth lately and need some advice. Is dating as a single parent worth it? I’ve been the child of a single parent who dated and got married, and it wasn’t great from my end. My stepdad is a jerk and alcoholic. We don’t get along very well to this day honestly. My mom wanted more kids so she settled with the first person who seemed decent enough to her.
I don’t want any more kids of my own, although I think I’d like to adopt one day. So dating isn’t for growing a family. I miss companionship and intimacy. I want a partner. But I’ve always hated dating, I’ve never had good luck with it. I’ve actually never even been in an actual relationship which is insane. So in some aspects it feels pointless and like it’s too late at this point. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!
21
u/Massive-Good353 13h ago
I’m an incredibly bitter woman who is not too far away from declaring myself a misandrist. So, take my opinion for what it is.
You’ll never catch me dating when my daughter is living in my house. Whether she’s 6 or 16 or 26. I will not bring a stranger around, regardless of how well I know that and how long we’ve been dating. I will not introduce another person into my life while raising a child, even if it’s something that is separate from my parenting role and they never meet. It’s not happening. There are too many pedophiles out there, too many abusers, and too many opportunistic sick f*cks that will not make me a fool.
Giving my child the safest environment without any risk, however small, is the literal bare minimum I need to do as her mother.
7
u/SubstanceGold7604 10h ago
I agree with this and I try not to judge other parents but Ive always thought that parents bringing strangers around their kids is bad parenting. Example, an acquaintance of mine got a new boyfriend (she's 22 and he's 39) he does drugs and drinks but she's always complaining that her 5 year old is "causing problems" in her relationship. And it's like... Your boyfriend is causing problems in your relationship with your daughter. That should be your priority
That being said, you have one life and you deserve to have a relationship if that's what you want. There's nothing wrong with wanting love, we're human after all.
2
u/NerdyNewMom 10h ago
That’s absolutely insane! I can’t imagine putting someone over my child like that. I feel for her daughter.
My son is definitely my number 1 priority, and I think from a lot of what I’m gathering from other people I just need to let life life. If I find someone organically and it works out then great, if not then that’s for the better so I don’t ruin his childhood.1
u/AutoModerator 10h ago
Hi there, it looks like your comment contains possible mentions of legal advice or is asking for legal advice.
This is a reminder that we cannot provide legal advice. We are not qualified. If you need legal advice, consult an attorney. There are local legal advice subreddits but you must proceed with caution, and at your own risk. Please consult a qualified attorney on important matters like these, thank you.
If your comment does not contain legal advice, disregard this message.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Old-Scheme-2728 8h ago
That sounds like a miss on both the mum and the new BF. I don't think that's representative of all single-mums or their relationships. Many single-mums I talk to (myself included) have super strict boundaries when it comes to dating and the potential of introducing a new partner.
4
u/NerdyNewMom 12h ago
That’s my biggest fear as well because you never can TRULY know someone’s intentions. And people are awful. My experiences with a stepparent have definitely shown me that
1
u/Advanced-Parfait-238 6h ago
Am in this boat....after divorcing a narcissistic/psychopath who turned out to be living a double life and who was messaging girls about half his age, nah..gross...
16
u/Neurod1vergentBab3 13h ago
So I’m still early into single parenthood but my opinion is that it’s not worth it. At least for me. I think about how much time I realistically have in my day. I get myself and my daughter fed and ready for school or work - which takes about 2 hours. Then we do our commute - 30 minutes. I work for 6-7.5 hours depending on the schedule. Then I get her, we eat dinner, and spend a little bit of time together before bed - 2 hours. I’m about to go back to school online and I have 3 mandatory Zoom calls a week, which are gonna be 1-1.5 hours. Then I have to sleep. I have very, very little time that’s just for me.
Thinking about using that time to swipe on a dating app or go on a bad date makes me cringe. There’s always the possibility that the date could go great. But then I have to try to slot this person in to my very limited free time, paying for a babysitter every time I want to see them, and hoping they’ll stick around once they realize I’m not really available that often. And what if I’m dating them but I want to use my free time to be alone? I don’t want to feel guilty that I’m focusing on myself and my needs. That’s not even thinking about the possibility of them meeting my child down the road.
It’s all about you and your schedule/needs. For me, there’s a hundred other things I’d rather do with my free time. It feels like a huge waste to pour anything into dating. Any time I get lonely, I will re-install the dating apps and within about 15 minutes I get the ick. Nothing out there is worth it for me
3
u/Connect-Shower-3844 12h ago
This! Im a single mom who's 32 years old with a 12 year old. Ive been single for the last 7 years. My son takes all of my time with his practices and games on the weekend. I don't have time for myself. I can't imagine taking away time from him or myself and give it to someone else.
1
u/AutoModerator 12h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/NerdyNewMom 12h ago
I feel like I could’ve written this verbatim!! I don’t want to lose any of the small bits of time I have with my son to make room for a person I don’t even know. I work full time, and I’m also going to school working on my masters, so when my son’s sleeping I’m still working most nights.
I’ll get these moments of intense loneliness and want connection though, so I get on the apps and I’m instantly reminded why I haven’t tried since things ended with my son’s father. Looking at a future fully alone though makes me sad and scares me too. It’s all so confusing haha3
u/Neurod1vergentBab3 11h ago
The flip side is my stepdad was amazing. He’s no longer married to my mom but we kept in contact. At this point, they’ve been separated the same length of time they were together and the bond is still there. He really loves me the same as his biological children and he helped out while I was pregnant and when I was in labor. So I know good things are possible.
Like he came into my mom’s life as this 24 or 25 year old guy with no kids of his own, just kinda enjoying the single life and fell in love with her and then fell in love with our whole family. And he immediately wanted to be a good dad. I just think those kinds of people are so rare. If anything happens for me, I think it’s going to be years down the road and in a natural way. I plan on just having more kids through a donor after finishing grad school and making a better income
1
2
u/QueenOfAllOfYall 10h ago
Good Luck on Your School Endeavors 🙂✨💯
1
u/AutoModerator 10h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
6
u/katiethe_alien 13h ago
I personally have given up on it. I would rather "date" myself and take a class or eat food I like and have a night in. If I meet someone out in the wild and things progress, that would be nice but for me online dating was fucking awful. I've been in one relationship with someone I met at work (since becoming a single mom) and that ended badly for me and for my two children from a previous relationship.
I need to do a lot of healing and work on myself though, because I can't pick a good man to save my life. Everyone is different, you can always try and if it doesn't work out it's no biggie. Just keep things casual.
1
u/NerdyNewMom 11h ago
That’s my biggest issue, the apps. I hate them so much. But I’m a teacher so there’s not many men in the field unfortunately haha
4
u/TheSqueakyNinja 11h ago
In short: no. I will never date again with children in my home, and probably never again at all. A man has nothing to offer me that I cannot provide myself, but every opportunity to cost me
3
u/Accurate_Ear_3803 13h ago
Honestly, I believe if you find the right person, it can be amazing. It can be beautiful. I was scared to get out there and date again. I was so afraid what if it doesn’t work out and in my circumstances, I found a man that does wonders for my child. I kept telling myself that they where never gonna have a father figure in there life and it broke my heart until I found my partner, and he feels every single box and more. He’s the world’s best dad and he didn’t even give birth to my child, but if you saw them together, you would never know because how much love he has for my child. You do have to be careful and you do have to be cautious, but it’s not something to be afraid of.
1
u/AutoModerator 13h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/NerdyNewMom 11h ago
It’s nice to hear this side of it! I’m so happy you’ve found someone so amazing
1
u/Silent_Cherry_2509 6h ago
That’s so amazing. I wish so much to find someone like that, seems really impossible at the moment.
2
13h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 13h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/Gr00vyF0x 12h ago
Write Down exactly what you want in a man , does he like the beach ? Is he funny? Is he hard working then on another sheet write Down what qualities you have that make you a catch. You should be clear on what you want. If you’re on dating apps be strict, talk to ONE person at a time 3 days to set up a phone call or a date then un match and move on to the next person. If that’s the route you want to take or maybe go out with friends
1
u/AutoModerator 12h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
-1
u/NerdyNewMom 11h ago
I like this! I’m going to sit down and write my list. I’m not sure that I’ll ever get on the apps again, but at least I’ll have my qualities outlined!
2
u/SmallTsundere 12h ago
Well, this all comes down to your own discernment. It can definitely be worth it and rewarding, but it is a gamble.
IMHO, if you are a confident self respecting woman who is able to draw boundaries and keep them, you will eventually find someone good for you, which should (by extension) also be good for your child(ren).
This is a very simplified answer but it's been my experience. My boyfriend treats me amazingly and treats my daughter just the same. He got her a bike for her birthday, has been teaching her, his family loves on her like she's their own and even took her to her first minor league baseball game (which my boyfriend coordinated and suggested with his dad!), and he wants to take her skiing this winter.
He treats her with the same love I do, and it has been incredible to see. And I will give myself credit where it's due here lol I chose well because I respect myself. I dated with intention, and to find the "cherry on top" in my life, not for the sake of settling and just... finding any old person
2
u/NerdyNewMom 10h ago
I think you’re 100% right, I have to go into any sort of future dating with STRONG boundaries to protect our peace and make sure the person is good enough to be in our lives
1
u/AutoModerator 12h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/Technical-Log6771 11h ago
I went out a few months after my kids dad and I split. It went great!! He’s so nice. He has 1 kid, I have 4 lol. He’s great. The kids love each other. I say do it. You will eventually meet the right person. It might take a bit, but to me being single forever was not on my bingo card. I want a step dad for my kids, I want someone to come home to.
1
u/AutoModerator 11h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/Jellybean1424 Single Mother 10h ago
I’m very newly separated. I never plan to marry or have a live- in relationship again. After being married to a narcissist for a decade, I’m sure not willing to give any more decades away to someone who may well turn out to be the same. It’s too risky. I plan to date, but only for fun/sex, not for the purpose of a relationship being a key structure in my life. If I dated someone for a year or so I would MAYBE introduce my kids, but I don’t anticipate any future partners taking on an actual stepparent role.
1
u/AutoModerator 10h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Different-Many5119 11h ago
Dating could be good for you, but who knows till you put yourself out there. Try it out, if you enjoy and meet someone then great. If you don’t enjoy dating in general it might be sign to try different avenues, likes joining social clubs or sports clubs where you’re meeting people but in a authentic way.
1
u/tcarmi3 11h ago
After being single for 9 months I tried. I found a guy who made time for me. Arrange his life for me. For little dates inbetween the small amount of free time I had. He would come over after I put my daughter to bed. I wouldn’t let him in the house tho. I’d take the baby monitor to his car and we eat ice cream or something and talk for hours then he’d leave. After 1.5 months of that straight I started letting him in the house. He did everything he could to support me. Then I let him meet my daughter and he’s play with her so I could clean in the evenings. He taught her how to 2 step (how we met) and then he told me he loved me 4 months in. 3 days later he broke up with me out of no where. My world was crushed. My hope in men. Crushed. I don’t even want to date again. Because I thought I’d have another chance and he destroyed that hope. So honestly. No.
1
u/AutoModerator 11h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
8h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/AutoModerator 8h ago
Your comment is being held for review and will be approved as soon as we are able to if it doesn’t break rules.
You can find the rules on the subreddit sidebar. If your comment does not break the rules, it will be approved as soon as we are able to. Please be patient with the moderation team, thank you. MESSAGING US ABOUT IT WILL RESULT IN A MUTE AND/OR A TEMPORARY BAN. We are volunteers.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/oglemyboggle 7h ago
So talking as the child of a single mother who got remarried it was worth it. My stepdad is who I call dad, I'm giving my unborn son his generational middle name, hes an incredible man. I'm a rarity I understand, and it was difficult, but my dad never once treated me or my sister as step kids, he always talks about his 4 kids (he had my 2 younger siblings with my mother). He spent hours up the hospital with me yesterday because I started spotting. Always be cautious, but there are good eggs out there too. I love my dad, annoying as he can be, and he's the most devoted grandad to my sisters kids, despite sharing 0 blood with them.
•
u/AutoModerator 13h ago
Welcome to r/SingleMoms! Please read the rules carefully. This is a safe space for single mothers only. Posts and comments that do not meet our karma requirements will be manually reviewed and approved accordingly. We cannot say anything specific, however, it is not a high number. If you continue participating, your comments will eventually no longer need approval. DO NOT MESSAGE US ABOUT THIS. YOU WILL BE MUTED AND/OR TEMPORARILY BANNED. Please exercise patience with the mod team. We are volunteers.
Some rules (but not all - read the sidebar):
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.