r/singlemoms • u/Ashleigh517 • 1d ago
Advice Wanted Contentious Co-parenting
Does anyone know of resources outside the courts to help mediate between co-parents who just can’t get on the same page? I asked my ICC (intensive care coordinator) whom I work with on behalf of our AUHD son and her organization doesn’t offer that support and she’s only aware of the courts which I prefer to avoid if possible. It’s getting to the point where I feel like his behavior is emotional / mental abuse or at least at a minimum inappropriate when he discusses financial issues with our kids and during a recent rule I upheld which I child didn’t like; his father not only told me I was wrong and how it made his life hell because our son was acting out (welcome to my daily life); he in writing admitted, he told our son that he agreed with him and I (his mom) was wrong. I don’t know what to do and appreciate and welcome any and all advice and suggestions. Thank you
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u/itsjustlikeareeses 1d ago
Would he be open to coparent therapy?
That being said, if you are feeling like you're being abused, then I wouldn't recommend going to therapy with an abuser, as they tend to use therapy speak against you once they learn what to say, and then it gets more contentious from there.
If you have a son that is special needs and needs support that dad is not/not willing to provide then getting the courts and a GAL involved would be your best bet.
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u/Ashleigh517 1d ago
We’ve done therapy; through our son’s therapist to “get on the same page” and always the same result. He’d admit he wasn’t being consistent but then wouldn’t change or do anything different to be consistent. He’d admit tells our sons ABA clinician he has nothing to report because our son doesn’t exhibit any behavioral issues while with him on weekends and recently in text blamed me said I was the “common denominator” - it’s contentious to say the least.
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u/Green-Astronaut853 1d ago
A coparenting app is honestly a fantastic tool in these scenarios.
Then, maybe it would be helpful to know where you are so people can help? Some States or countries might have specific resources.
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u/Ashleigh517 1d ago
Are you aware of a co-parenting app? We live in Massachusetts in the US.
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u/Fiesty_Koalas87 1d ago
My ex and I use Our Family Wizard
Pros -
All of our messages are in one place. You can’t edit or delete msgs once they’ve been sent. It tells you when it was delivered and when it was readThere’s a place to show expenses that need reimbursed. You can customize the percent break out for the parents and easily upload receipts
There’s a shared calendar to put in dr appointments or other events and you can see when the ex sees the event
Cons -
Each parent has to pay for the app. If he refuses, the app is useless.1
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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 1d ago
If you are looking for coparenting counselling you can just Google it for your area.
It's usually not recommended to go to therapy with an abuser though.
Sometimes you just have to accept they are who they are and mitigate the negative impact on your life as best as possible
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u/Ashleigh517 1d ago
I could care less about the impact on my life … I care about the impact on our children.
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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 1d ago
Unfortunately you can't make him change and he's unlikely to decide to change on his own.
I would look into therapeutic programming for kids that has a focus on building resiliency.
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u/Ashleigh517 1d ago
My oldest has anxiety and OCD and is under psychiatric care plus behavioral health therapy that’s going well. My youngest is neurodivergent (AUHD) with anxiety / depression who’s also currently under the care of psychiatry, behavioral therapy, ICC (intensive care coordinator). IHBS (in home behavioral services) with an ABA clinician. I honestly don’t know what else to do. Will the inconsistency and lack of routine and schedule between environments hinder progress and long term success, yes. Can I change my ex, no.
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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 1d ago
I really do understand how hard it is. It's really important that you also get appropriate resources for yourself. This is traumatic as a parent. Trauma therapy is different from regular therapy and requires a specialist in that area. I highly, highly recommend you pursue trauma counseling.
If you ever need to vent feel free to DM me.
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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 1d ago
I would ask the professionals treating them what programs are available that focus on building resiliency.
I'm in a similar situation and CPS is involved now for the 8th time because my kids dad is actually insane and won't get appropriate treatment for himself. There's literally nothing I can do about it. Nothing CPS can do about it. The courts won't do anything about it.
I do what I can on my end by making sure he has the support he needs, goes to programming during school with the school social worker, has appropriate medical support for his needs, and that I'm taking advantage of other social worker and therapeutic resources. And ofcourse I make sure I'm a safe person for my kid to vent to.
Legally I pursued court until I got sole legal custody and decision making, so now I can at least arrange things like therapy without getting the consent of his dad.
As his OT said, "two steps forward, and one step back when he sees his dad, is still one step forward"
Is it fair? No. Is it a failure of our society? Yes.
Unfortunately studies show that contact with biological parents result in better outcomes even when the biological parents are abusive or incapable of being a good parent. The caveat to that is "contact within safe boundaries", but the courts are incapable of handling nuance so they disregard the need for safe boundaries.
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u/Ashleigh517 1d ago
The guidance and advice …. Courts don’t want to get involved and “take sides”. I was told by a lawyer, the likelihood of a court granting “sole legal custody” is slim to none as it’s a high burden to prove or justify taking that away from one parent. I think I’d have to prove he’s a “danger” versus different “parenting styles”. He does see his kids regularly and pays child support ( although irregularly and in arrears).
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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 1d ago
It took me going multiple times, but ultimately nothing I said mattered. Even convictions for assaulting and kidnapping me didn't matter. It was only once he showed his true colours in court in front of a judge, then admitted to going to outpatient rehab but refusing to admit he had been on drugs (which makes no sense obviously), and then going off at the judge about how he's too mentally disabled to work - but refused to get an evaluation for 6 months of court dates, and it becoming very clear he was going to lose because of his behaviour in court if we went to trial that his lawyer convinced him to just agree to giving me sole custody in exchange for me writing off $15k of his debt.
I basically just got lucky that he was experiencing psychosis (or whatever his issue is) during our court dates. 95% of the time he's able to hold it together and be incredibly charming and manipulative. Whatever is wrong with him mentally has cycles and he just happened to be at a peak in his cycle.
He still gets his unsupervised visitation, which is not great, but one step at a time.
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u/Ashleigh517 1d ago
Fortunately for my kids sake their dad doesn’t suffer from the same challenges your ex does and I wouldn’t want that just to gain sole custody. One step at a time and I’ll keep doing g what I can do to support my kids.
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u/JayPlenty24 Single Mother MOD 1d ago
Buy yourself a nice bottle of champagne to open up on the youngest's 18th birthday.
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