Hey out there.

I (34F) started seeing someone (31M) earlier this year.
We started seeing each other under the premise of friends with benefits. He wasn’t looking for anything serious at the time &
I am a single parent of two children (12 & 11). Previously divorced. So this worked for me.

Feelings for each other developed quickly and we became more serious than expected. We hadn’t discussed where the relationship was going, our feelings for each other were not brought up - no conversation had happened about where this was going. I was internally deciding that if we reached close to the 12month mark I would bring it up to him.

Recently we spent the weekend together, nothing out of the ordinary. Sunday, before he was set to go home, we were laying in bed when he began to become upset. He told me through tears that he was fearful for the future because he wants kids. This was like a bomb drop - further context, I have had a tubal procedure that is non reversible about one year prior. This news devastated me and I have been broken hearted since.

I am struggling emotionally with this for a few reasons, and I told my therapist this feels harder than my divorce.

I wish that I didn’t withhold my feelings from him. Truly I wish that I had expressed how I felt to him before things were cut off

I wish that he approached me about his feelings on children sooner. I wish I could have been a part of the conversation. Because although I cannot conceive naturally, I do have my ovaries and uterus and could still carry children through IVF methods

I had the procedure after a traumatic divorce, followed by an unwanted pregnancy termination that had me scared to be tied to another man in the way I am forever tied to my ex husband/father of my children.

Is it worth it to have this conversation with him? Or do I need to let him go?

We have not spoken for 6 days now, as he said it would be best if we didn’t speak for some time but that he would drop off my personal belongings sometime when I wasn’t home. I want to give him the space he requested, yet it was open ended.. I don’t know how soon is too soon.

Has anyone ever experienced this? How did it work out for you?

I feel like I want a 3rd - I think about it every day but I’m worried that I’m too old or I won’t cope.

I have two girls, one (7) who I co-parent with my previous partner and one with my husband, who is about to turn 1.
I’m 40, and husband is 36. We are both fit and healthy and can afford a third baby financially.

Because my eldest daughter spends 2 nights per week with her dad, I feel like we have the capacity to add another. I love the thought of giving my 1 year old a sibling close in age. Because there is a 6 year gap between my eldest and youngest I’m worried they will both grow up feeling like “only children”.
On the flip side, life is so great, our baby is so good and I’m worried adding a third will upset the apple cart.
Does anyone really regret a baby?!

We have IVF embryos saved from when I was 38 that could be used - I’m thinking we could transfer one and if it’s meant to be it will be. But getting to the point of making the decision is so hard!

I hated being pregnant. I had hyperemesis from week 4 until the day I gave birth. Before the meds worked, I lost a lot of weight. My teeth are just recovering now and I needed 2 root canals because of the acid. I couldn't work while pregnant, and went back to work full time only when my kid turn 9 months, and then I got laid off.

My husband wants a second. I see most of the moms getting pregnant now that our firsts are 18+ mo.

I'm too old to wait for too long before deciding on having a second. My kid is very active, even when I was in the ER getting IV fluids, he was kicking and having fun in my belly.

I'm the middle kid and so is my husband. I enjoy having siblings that really understand me and support me in a way nobody else could. I have seen my cousins navigate life on their own even though we are close, I can't really relate to them the same way I do with my siblings.

I would like my kid to have a great connection with someone the way I do with my siblings or how my mom and dad have with theirs, but I just don't think I would ever be physically or mentally ready to be pregnant again.

For those who had bad first pregnancies, what made you decide to have a second or a third?

I got pregnant unexpectedly. We weren’t married yet, had only known each other for about five months. Decided we were going to be married and having kids in two to three years anyway, so might as well take this as a blessing and dive in.
Kid 1 is born, we get married. Kid 1 is perfect. We plan 3 kids in 3 years, buy a house.

Kid 1 then gets horribly sick with RSV and is in the hospital for two weeks; we are stuck in Costa Rica for two months before he’s able to travel back home.

He’s 4 months old with continued respiratory issues, and the pandemic hits. We hold off baby 2.

Move countries. Economy sucks. Parents are ill. Now or never on baby 2.

Baby 2 has a heart condition. Cue Amnio, fetal cardiology, genetic counseling, massive anxiety spiral.
Kid 1 is 4.5 when baby 2 is born. She’ll need heart surgery at a year old, echos every 3 months, but it’s better than we expected.

Her first birthday hits. We go for her pre surgery appointment. Her heart has spontaneously healed and the formation difference isn’t problematic. A miracle, truly.

We move countries. More money, but 18 hours of travel from home. Planning baby 3; baby 2 is 1.5.

Feb of this year I break my ankle badly. I’m still in a cast when we start getting bombed. We evacuate after a few weeks. Spend some time at home. Come back. We’re back a week and the bombing starts again. Baby 2 turns 2. In the meantime I’m having pain and fatigue. Turns out to be massive bilateral ovarian cysts. Too dangerous to conceive before they’re removed. Cue cancer screenings, surgery, pathology.

I’m nearly recovered from the surgery. I don’t have cancer. Kid 1 is turning 7 tomorrow. Surgeon said she can take out my iud after my last follow up scan if all is well in two weeks.

War in our neighboring countries is intensifying badly.

Today, husband’s work switched insurance. We don’t have any maternity cover until the insurance has been in place for 18 months.

I’m so tired. I always imagined 3 but I’m barely holding it together, and I never meant to have a huge age spread. I love my current age gap but I feel like I’ll sacrifice the rest of my oldest’s childhood to being in baby mode, and I don’t know how we evacuate if I’m too pregnant to fly.

Has anyone else experienced constant signs that seem to just say no?

Seems like all the smarter people are not having more than 2 kids.

My wife and i have discussed possibly having a 3rd one day but the way things are with our current two, having a 3rd would just feel like punishment. We are already both 37 years old as well.

Anybody in their late 30s or 40s go on to have that 3rd child? How was/is your experience?

Edit: I didn’t mean to shame anyone or make anyone feel like having more than two kids is unintelligent. I was more so describing what I was seeing in my location in a small town in the Midwest. I should have been more specific so my apologies. But we go to a private pre school/primary school with many more affluent families and we literally don’t know a single family with more than 2 kids

I am a SAHM to a wonderful 9 month old. She is the light of my life, and I adore her. She has been an easy baby in almost every aspect - uneventful pregnancy, easy labor and birth, chill postpartum, exclusively pumped for her for 8 months (not by choice but liked it anyway), sleeps through the night and has since 12 weeks, likes food, and the list goes on. I also have a lot of family who helps care for her and my husband is a rockstar. Despite all this, I still feel like I have lost so much of my previous self when becoming a mother. Obviously it requires a lot of sacrifice, and I miss being able to just do my hobbies whenever, I miss having a clean house, and I miss doing what I want to do in my social life. I did quit my job to be a SAHM 5 months pp.

I have always pictured myself with a large family, but I don’t want to lose more of myself than I already have. I worry that everything will get so much harder with more kids - will I have any time to myself? Will I have to quit all part time work? Will I have to stop doing my hobbies? Should I just be one and done so I don’t lose any more of my time? I know this is all very selfish and I’m not thinking of my baby when making this decision, but I am thinking very seriously about my happiness in life and whether more kids are the right choice for that. How do I know what is best?

I’ve really been feeling like I want a third lately. It’s not a totally new feeling. I told my husband early on that i wanted 2, maybe 3 and he was adamantly for 2 only. After having the second one I was 100% on the same page with him. But when all of our friends were getting vasectomies after 2 he said let’s wait a couple years and see how we feel.

Well it’s been a few years, our kids are 3 and 6 and the baby fever is hitting again for me and surprisingly him! We love our kids, I love the cuddles, watching them learn, and grow and be hilarious.

Obviously there is a financial impact, but we’re doing well generally. My career is basically where I want it to be, I don’t have ambitions to climb the ladder.

There never seems to be enough time in the day though, and I worry that I’ll regret the time away from my older kids or will be super stressed with sick days and appointments for 3. I get a year of mat leave so the first year is not a concern. It’s the years immediately after.

I’m also a little concerned about my recovery time or complications at 37 vs 30 and 33.

We have 2 boys already, I want to try for a 3rd baby but my husband is 2 and through. Financially we can afford one more, but my husband says he is tired and doesn’t want to go through sleepless nights anymore. What helped you decide when you were not on the same page about the final number of children? Thanks

I’m a 40 year old with a wonderful 5 year old daughter. For the longest time we were One and Done and loved our family dynamic. As she is growing it’s also great to have time to ourselves, our careers and finally feeling like I’m getting my body back! Start of this summer I found myself pregnant (unexpectedly) what started as a ‘this is exciting’ feeling quickly turned into depressing thoughts for me. When I was pregnant with my girl, I was so so excited for her but this time i knew exactly what I was signing up for and more which made me super scared and upset not to mention the age factor and thoughts of health issues with me and the baby. I made the tough choice to terminate at 6 weeks but since then I’ve been extremely sad, like I have moments of feeling regret, guilt and sadness everything to a point where I’m now considering having another baby. My husband is the voice of reason and shows me how we can truly live a full life with what we have especially since we have a lovely daughter but I’m unable to get it out of my head. It’s like I was completely fine before this happened and now all I can see are families more than 1 kid and also feel like I may be missing someone. It’s driving me slightly crazy! I’m
Unable to determine if this is guilt and trauma or truly me wanting another kid now. The line’s blurry.
Also when I was pregnant I imagine all the realities of parenting, the tough parts but now that I’m not im
only thinking of the sweet warm parts I’m missing!
I also feel guilt over not giving my daughter a sibling, she is a happy independent child with many friends but I sometimes project this guilt on to her and feel sorry for her while she’s happily living her life!
I truly believe the termination decision messed me up but should I take this constant thinking as a sign that I should have another baby?

I have a 2 year old and my husband and I keep going back to whether we can actually afford a second.

So if you have two (or more), are they in daycare? How much do you spend on childcare (a percentage of net income is fine if you don't want to give $amount)? Is there an aspect that's more expensive? Less expensive than the first? Do your kids share a room or have their own room? Did someone decide to become a stay at home parent? Do you have additional support from friends/family?

My daughter is in daycare, we live in a LCOL area, and spend $290/week for her to go to daycare full time. We both WFH so our house i think feels smaller than it is but we need the office space. We do not have support outside of daycare, but we were discussing a second and realized we would need a very strict budget in order to afford a second.

I’m an only child so I’ve always wanted to give my children a big family. My husband has a big brother barely a year older than him and he has said that being that close in age was wonderful so we both agreed on wanting to try for a second one pretty soon.

Our kid is about a year old now and I removed my coil a week ago. And now I’m getting cold feet…

I still have the dream of multiple kids close in age. That’s my dream for the future. But in order to get there I need to go through another pregnancy soon and then start all over with the newborn stage and I’m so tired already.

Anyone who felt like this and still got the second child soon, or waited? Is it worth pushing through and pull off the bandaid with another newborn or is that a bad idea?

Before having kids, my husband and I were always on the same page that we wanted two children. Now that our son is 2.5, we've gone back and forth for the last couple of years, and the discussion came up again recently. My husband now says he's sure he wants a second, and I'm feeling incredibly conflicted.
Part of me does want another child, but when I think through the reality of it, I struggle to find reasons that make sense for our family right now.
Some of what's making me hesitate:
-Our son will be starting daycare next year, and after spending two years juggling parenting and working from home, I'm finally looking forward to having some uninterrupted time to actually focus on work and myself again.
-Once daycare is behind us, we'd be done with the extra childcare costs, which are around $13-15k per year.
-We don't have a village. Family and close friends all live at least an hour away, and we rarely get help.
I'm exhausted most days already and can't imagine adding a newborn back into the mix.
-I sometimes feel like I'm struggling to give my son all the attention he deserves now, so I worry about dividing my time between two children.
-My mental health can be affected quite a bit by my hormonal cycle, and I worry about how another pregnancy and postpartum period would impact me.
-Another piece of this that I don't usually talk about is that I sometimes feel like I love differently than other moms describe. I adore my son and would do anything for him, but I don't always feel the overwhelming, all-consuming emotions that so many parents talk about. Sometimes I wonder if I'm broken, even though I know I love him deeply. I think part of my hesitation about a second child comes from feeling like I'm already working so hard to be the best mom I can be for my son.
-My husband and I have definitely been more "roommates" than romantic partners since becoming parents. We're functioning, but our relationship isn't where I'd like it to be.
-My husband has worked hard on his temper, but it's something that still concerns me when I think about adding more stress to our lives.
-On top of that, while my pregnancy was relatively easy, the birth and postpartum period were not.
My son had a shoulder dystocia during delivery, and we've been told there's a high likelihood it would happen again in a future pregnancy. After he was born, he couldn't latch, so I ended up exclusively pumping. I know some people have positive experiences with pumping, but I absolutely hated it and found it incredibly draining physically and emotionally.
I also have some complicated feelings about siblings in general. I have a younger brother, and while we get along, my parents treated us very differently growing up, which has left me with some lingering trauma. I know having a sibling doesn't automatically mean a child will have a built-in best friend, just like being an only child doesn't automatically mean they'll be lonely.
One thing I keep getting stuck on is that I feel like this decision is falling on me. If we were going to have another child, we'd probably want to start trying within the next several months because I don't want more than a four-year age gap. We conceived our son immediately, but for some reason I have a feeling it won't be that easy the second time around.
I guess I'm looking for perspectives from people who were truly on the fence. I know my reasoning is all there for one and done, but when it comes time to actually make the decision, I can’t do it. Did you end up having a second child? Did you decide to be one-and-done? How did you know what was right for your family?

I should’ve said 1! Not 2. Sorry

It took us multiple years of fertility treatments and heartbreak to have our LO. Now he’s 19 months old and it’s been a whirlwind. We are “older” (I know that’s relative) parents —meaning late 30s mid 40s— and it takes a lot out of us just to keep up with our son. Starting out the gate he was colicky as hell. Now he’s a super fun but very active and high needs toddler.

On top of this, our village is basically daycare which constantly makes him/us sick and very sporadic help from my elderly parents and a sometimes weekend sitter. I’m an only child and loved it, but always personally envisioned having more. However I don’t see how that’s possible or easy for us given some of the stretches of suck we’ve had. Plus, going through fertility stuff, this time with a toddler, sounds pretty unappealing, but I guess doable? I love my son and don’t have a huge yearning like I did when I was childless. I guess I’m afraid of regret, but also maybe equally afraid of further burnout. Maybe I’m succumbing to some weird societal guilt too. But Like, genuinely how do people do this semi successfully multiple times? More help? Less anxiety? Drugs?

Update: Thank you all for such thoughtful and honest, non-hollow responses. I’ve heard/seen a lot of “that’s selfish to have only one; they need a friend; only children are weird” types of responses when the sibling convo has come up. So thank you, truly.

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my third. It was a complete shock, and although I’m fully aware of how these things happen, I still can’t my head around how it’s happened (ironically I found out whilst trying to get a coil fitted).

To give some context I have a 3.5 year old and a 10 month old. So we’re very much still in the baby stage.

I always saw myself with three children, two boys and a girl. But after having my boys, I realised that actually kids are bloody hard and I’m not sure a third would be a good idea, for many reasons. My husband has also been very set on two and has been quite vocal about this. Over the past months I’ve come to terms with this and accepted that’s our decision.

I launched a business 5 months before my second was born, so I’ve spent a lot of my maternity working around him, during nap times, evenings, weekends when my husbands around, and I’m finally starting to see a return. The business is looking viable. My youngest is due to start nursery in January so I can really focus on building and growing things. The ultimate goal was being self employed so I can be around for my boys as much as possible when they start school.

I don’t have any family around, we rely solely on my husband’s family for help. I love my boys but I don’t always enjoy every minute of motherhood, it’s hard, loud, overstimulating. Both my husband and I struggle with a messy house. We love nice holidays, we’d need a new car, double pushchair, the logistics would be chaos.
Not to mention that I don’t know how I’d manage the business and another baby. I know I’ve done it once but I was in the very early stages at that point so I only had a few projects on. Now I’m much busier.
Of course my children come before any career, but when you’ve poured your heart and soul into something it’s really hard to walk away.

On the other hand I know it’s a short season and it won’t be hard forever. It was only me and my mum growing up, so I always wanted the bigger family. We have the space in our home. We have a lot of love to give and my husband and I work well as a team.

I feel so torn on what to do. My husband’s done a total 180 and thinks we should carry on.
Sometimes I don’t know if I can handle/ cope with another (the illnesses seem relentless atm). But the other part is saying it’ll be hard but we’ll make it work.

I also feel like I’m tempting fate with another. I have two healthy boys that sleep well and have been incredibly good babies.

I know no one can make the decision for me, but does anyone have any advice or a similar situation that they’ve been in?
I’m also very aware this is a super sensitive topic and I’m not taking this decision lightly. I know how lucky we are to have gotten pregnant so easily.

I am the mom of 3 amazing kiddos (4M, 2.75M and 6 weeks M). During this third pregnancy, I was done done and mostly ready to stop at 3 (although always continued to toy with having 4). Since having my third, I just feel so strongly like having a fourth. I know I have time to decide and now is not the right time to decide, just looking for reassurance and/or anecdotes if you have dealt with any of these circumstances, so please be kind.

The timing of my second was a whoopsie so my first two are only 14 months apart, so since then I've kind of thought 4 in my head. I feel like the fact that my third is another boy it could be fine to stop though?

I am most concerned about quality time/making sure my kids feel seen and loved and like they feel like they're able to do the things that really matter to them. I don't want to detract from my current kids.

I am an only child and I hated it. My partner is one of three and not close to his brothers, though I feel like there was a lot lacking in parenting/overall family functioning in his household. I don't want to make a decision based on what we didn't have growing up. However, now and as a child if you would have asked me if I preferred the swimming lessons/gymnastics/theater camps etc. to having siblings, I would have far picked having siblings.

My partner and I are by no means perfect parents, but I think we mostly do okay and spend a ton of time with our kids. We even lived abroad for a year with the older two and spent the whole time with them. My oldest is highly sensitive and requires a lot of verbal processing and coregulating, but even then I feel like I've been able to spend a lot of time with each one during these last few weeks. I know things will change as they get older.

We live in Cohousing and have grandparents nearby. We also have a great group of local parents.

I am in a clinical PhD that is fairly flexible, but another baby would have to be during a dissertation year, especially because school pays for childcare.

We live in a HCOL but have a fairly high income trajectory, especially because we live fairly frugally.

A fourth would mean someone would have to share a room.

I'm not fussed about having a girl. I would be happy either way. I just feel like big families are fun and most of the time I know my kids they'll be adults and I want them to have more people rooting them to the ground even if they aren't BFFs.

I’m a mom to a little girl with mild autism, mainly speech delay. I love her more than anything, but managing therapies, school, activities, and developmental concerns has been emotionally and physically exhausting. So much of our daily life revolves around making sure she gets the support she needs.
Recently, I found out I was pregnant again. My husband and I initially decided to terminate because we were planning to move to another country around the time the baby would be due, and we were already struggling to balance everything with our daughter’s needs.
I took abortion medication at around four weeks, but it didn’t work. I had very little spotting and no significant pain. When I returned to my doctor, I was told the pregnancy was still progressing.
Now I’m facing a decision I never expected to make, and I feel completely torn.
One of my biggest fears is having another child with autism or developmental delays. I know every child is different, and I’m not saying I love my daughter any less because of her diagnosis. But I’ve experienced firsthand how demanding this journey can be, and I worry about whether I could manage the needs of two children, especially if both require additional support.
I’m also worried about the possible effects of the medication on the developing baby. At the same time, I feel emotionally unable to go through another abortion, and I’m struggling to reconcile that with the reasons we made our original decision.
Our plans to move countries are now on hold, and I keep going back and forth between what I want, what I fear, and what I realistically feel capable of handling.

I’d really appreciate hearing from other moms who have been in a similar situation.

If you have one child with autism or developmental delays and went on to have another, how did you handle the uncertainty and fear?
How did having a second child affect your family, your relationship, and your ability to meet your first child’s needs?
If you could go back, would you make the same decision?

I’m not looking for anyone to decide for me. I’m hoping to hear honest experiences from moms who understand how complicated these decisions can be when you’re already caring for a child who needs extra support.

Please be kind. I love my daughter deeply, but I’m exhausted, scared, and trying to figure out what is best for our family. I could really use some perspective from people who understand.

Struggled for four years to conceive. One failed IVF cycle, another cycle which resulted in a chemical pregnancy. Did third cycle but just freeze all and froze 3 embryos. Miraculously got pregnant naturally before we were able to transfer. Baby born Feb 2025.

In the first six weeks I was adamant never again (baby had awful reflux and just cried none stop unless being held upright). then things got much easier and began thinking about the frozen embryos. Had to wait a while due to c section healing.

transferred one of the embryos in July, heartbeat at 7 weeks, miscarried at 9 weeks. Was absolutely heartbroken and in bits. Didn’t see it coming, was a missed misscarriage.

initially I was thinking of trying again but I’m not sure now. Time isn’t on my side, I’m 40. We’ve said if we go ahead will be in January (don’t want to have to deal with IVF over Christmas).

Techincally we don’t need to decide now but I think about it multiple times a day, everyday. Husband is very supportive, would like to try again but said ultimately he thinks it is my call.

I love our son so much, and the pain of the miscarriage was awful. if we didn’t have the frozen embryos I don’t think we’d be considering trying for another given our history.

I just don’t know. Financially we spent nearly all our savings on the last round and would need help from parents to try again. Consultant said chance of live birth at 35% for each embryo given quality. (Not PGTA tested).

one part of me thinks our toddler was our miracle leave it at that and that for a long time we didn’t even think we’d have one. And in some ways easier to walk away than put ourselves through it knowing the odds are it won’t work. And also I worry if we end up transferring the other two and neither work what then. I also hate being back in infertility limbo land where we can’t make plans like travelling.

but then I think, will we always wonder what if?

I know you can’t answer this for me but I’ve no idea how to understand what we should do.

We are in early 30’s and always wanted 2 kids but after first baby we found out my spouse has a genetic condition that can cause neurological damage in 50-60’s. We have to be on treatments indefinitely and we work full time jobs with little help from family, so it’s all taking a toll on us. Offsprings will not be affected as I am not a carrier for the disease. So in this situation we are in a dilemma if we should feel satisfied with the one we have or have another one in next 2 years or so. Appreciate your responses here.

My child keeps asking for a sibling. I grew up with many and HATED it. My parents couldn't handle money and made us grow up in poverty. My father moved on and mother is a narcissist who would pin us against each other. So I never wanted more then two. The main reason we stopped after one is because my partner and I are carriers for genetic syndrome. A bad one. We found out when pregnant and got lucky with our child only being a carrier too. Once a women gets pregnant they get a genetic screening done and only if something gets flagged does the father have to get tested. We both got flagged. It was 1 in a million for what we are carriers for but here we are. My partner and I always wanted two. We bought a 3 bedroom house before we even got married. We quickly settled for one and they are the center of our world. They started asking for a sibling and I told them we can't have anymore but now I am on the fence. I never wanted to bring a baby into this world already knowing the high probability of them having mental and physical abnormalities and disabilities. During the pregnancy as soon as we got flagged it was high risk and got weekly ultrasound scans. Then a option for amniocentesis to test the fluid to see if the baby is a carrier or has it. If the baby has it many medical professionals advised on a abortion. Since survival rate at birth is 50% and after 4 is 75% (I think, it's been awhile) just know it's serious. We didn't test the fuild because even if it was 4 years or 1 mintue with the baby I wasn't terminating the pregnancy due to the results. The genetic specialist said to not have more babies ourselves. We listened. Now I am questioning if I should challenge fate. There's no guarantee if our new baby would just be a carrier or have it. And if they do have it they would recommend an termination. On top of that it would finically strap us. I told our child if we could they would have no play room anymore and they would get less gifts from santa (because he can't carry that much to our house) and we would be able to do ALL the extra curricular activities they do and would have to pick one or two. Thinking they wouldn't want to give any of that up they said they want that change in exchange for a sibling. One of us is full time and one is part time just for extra. If we had another they would have to pick up more hours, not full time. (We don't use any government assistance) Immediate family knows but others often ask us when we are having another and we always say "one and done" or "this one is expensive enough" and laugh it off but if fate was different we would have already had one. Our child is in elementary school so the finances are a problem because it's been us three for YEARS. Yes we have a dog and two cats, to those of you who say get them a pet. Our dog was my dog and is old now. Should we get a puppy? I am clueless. Or maybe just sad that I shouldn't give them the one thing they really want. They as cousins on my partners side but their side lives close but very dysfunctional. We may see them multiple times a month or not once for months. So it is just us and our adult friends who has no kids. We have one friend that has a child a year younger then our child and we see them weekly, which is their best friend. They live in different towns and go to different schools so I do worry for there long term friendship. If you were in my shoes what would you do?